Friday, September 3, 2010

Why do I trip and stumble?

I wrote an email to Afina this morning saying, "infertility is not good for my mental health."  I'm having some bad lows, which my last post can attest to.  I leave out the worst parts just so I don't embarrass myself further but suffice to say, my low moments are pretty low.  As the conception failures pile up, my hope for success goes lower and the feeling of hope draws me into an internal thought conflict of hope versus rationality.  When the rationality wins the day's argument, my mood completely drops.  It's not so much that I ask myself explicitly, "Why me?" or "How could I be so unlucky," it's a feeling of abandonment or being left behind.  I'm not praying in these moments and that shows a major lack of spiritual discipline, but my ego and what I thought things were going to be like, are ever present in those moments.

I'm starting to really regret the things I did before I got married.  I was very committed to the idea of preventing a potential pregnancy back then.  I thought it would have been bad all around, for me, for my family, and my future.  And I think I got led into believing that life and relationships were a particular way, and now I've found out it's not that way at all.  That I was out for myself and those relationships were there to serve me.  That my fertility would be there when I was ready for it.  And a (successful) married relationship is about as selfless as you can get.  It can be a hard adjustment for selfish people like me.  

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