Not being able to get pregnant bothers me. Not having my husband's child bothers me. Through the testing, I wonder why this is happening to me. And I think about the possibility of heading into future with just me and him. Right now, the thought of that future disappoints me but it doesn't ruin the great possibilities that lie before me. I'm still a living a life for Christ and trying to serve Him through service to my husband because I have a sacramental marriage.
I appreciate that marriage is a sacrament in the Catholic Church. It's helps me frame my ideas about my marriage to make it better for us as a couple and not serving the modern view of marriage as a way towards self-fulfillment. I've learned that marriage is sacrifice. It hurts sometimes but it keeps me from thinking that if I'm not getting what I want when I want it, I'm getting out.
When my husband and I went through Retrouvaille, the presenting couples mentioned how many children were the products of the couples in the room impressing that improving a marriage and keeping it together is in the best interest of your children. However, the whole weekend and the entire Retrouvaille experience is about the marriage, not parenting or anything to doing with relating to children. The marriage is first.
Sometimes I'll wonder if I should have had infertility testing before I got married. Sometimes I'll think we shouldn't have waited a year before trying to get pregnant. But, these are fleeting thoughts because the facts speak pretty clearly. If I had known or even suspected I might have fertility problems, I wouldn't have changed a thing (well, almost nothing) about how I'd lived my life up until now.
I did not meet my husband until I was about to turn 29. I got married after I turned 31. That's a pretty fast turn around in southern California. :) Trying to get pregnant right after the wedding might have shaved several months off of this process but nothing that would have made a large difference in a life span. I started talking to doctors after two-three months of trying. I went as fast as I thought was prudent for me.
I never assumed I'd meet a person I wanted to marry during my fertile years. I knew the odds were good I'd get married eventually but I didn't know when. I never expected a man like my husband so I know God knew what was best for me not the other way around. I don't think I take my husband for granted and I try not to because I know it was just as possible that he wouldn't have come into my life.
I really treasure my marriage and I love the opportunities we have to grow together. I'd love to add children to my marriage. We prayed about that during our nuptial mass. We pledged we'd be open to children and be the best parents we could. I want to have children but I know I've already got my family because I have my husband.