Monday, September 26, 2011

Can't seem to get a break. But I'm no longer surprised.

I told my husband yesterday that I can't find solace anywhere.  That's not entirely true, my SIL has been really great and my Dad is pretty good to me.  But when my husband asks me how I'm feeling on different days, I don't tell him I'm fine or not fine, I tell him I just rely on Jesus.  I've been paying extra special attention to the daily Mass readings and I'm finding a treasure trove of wisdom in them.  Praise God!

I witnessed something this weekend that I've only seen on TV or in the movies.  My FIL verbally attacked my husband.  He told his son all kinds of terrible things over lunch with me and my MIL present.  I've started to notice after knowing them for five years that my MIL nervously giggles when her husband is being a complete jerk.  But I'd never quite seen him being a complete d*ck as he was yesterday.  

The abuse I think followed the usual pattern.  "You're a screw up, I told my friends what [I think] you did, your brother always does the right thing, I would never have done what you did."  My husband sat there gently defending himself but he was starting to really sweat and my MIL did not intervene.  I couldn't take the crap when my FIL got to the part where he sold my husband out to his friends.  

I placed my hand on my FIL's forearm and said something to the effect of, "What you're doing is wrong.  You're judging a situation you know nothing about.  And you should not talk to your son that way."  He replied, "I can say anything I want to my son, Mrs.!"  He barked the "Mrs." part.  I think he meant to insult my position as just a wife, but I have full confidence in myself so it didn't bother me if he was trying to cause hurt.

When the attack was winding down, I called him an egomaniac because I couldn't think of megalomaniac which was probably more descriptive of the man.  So, I was pissed but we rather quickly left their house and I hugged my FIL because I love Jesus that much and told him I'd pray for him.  His response was "you're praying for me?  Pray for your husband."  I ignored that.

Not coming from that kind of family, I was very surprised by my husband's reaction which was, "why get upset and give him the satisfaction?"  That made sense to my head but my heart was just breaking for my husband.  He said that's the way his father has always been, that's he's never been supportive.  Praise be to God that my husband has been able to overcome that.  He's not perfect, but he's a good man and I am very proud to be his wife.  Yesterday's rant taught me a lot about my in-laws and that's only a good thing.    

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Who is it that never let you down?

Since I'd been gone from the blogosphere, several seriously bad things have happened in my life.  I've faced disappointment, cruelty, abandonment, and betrayal from my closest family members and friends and people who purported to be loyal to me and my husband.  While that reads as a dramatic statement, it is all together true.  I've experienced similar events in the past but not so much all at once and this is easily the worst year of my life.

The actual events are not as relevant as the effect it's had on my spiritual life.  There have been days that only by the power of God I could live through it.  I pray almost constantly knowing that the promise of satisfaction and fulfillment cannot possibly come from the material world.  I say this humbly in that I think I'm beginning to understand what true reliance on God looks and feels like.  I've read and heard sermons that say only the truly materially destitute can understand reliance on God which is probably true but I know Jesus really understands and identifies with people letting him down in horrific ways.

In the gospel, Jesus is confronted with betrayal by Judas, witless apostles, and hostility in many places He goes.  And we all know that He called out to God on the cross, asking why He'd been abandoned.  I'm not comparing myself, obviously but when I pray I know Jesus understands and that means a lot.  Part of the true beauty of Christianity is that God didn't send a son who was a winner, who was the triumphant king of Israel.  Jesus lost a lot.  My love for Him is growing deeply through this very dark time.    

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Am I back?

I've just got to post this:  (Taken from SacredSpace)

God will not let me go. For I must be brought into that divine love, and in turn display it to others in my life. ‘You must therefore be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect’, Jesus says (Matthew 5:48). Especially, this perfection is meant to be a mirror of God’s own love, which reaches out to all humanity. Such a universal love can seem impossible to us - particularly when it includes a spirit of forgiveness towards those who offend us (cf Matthew 6:12-17; and 18:21-35). How can all this be possible? How can I, in my frail and so limited humanity, reach out in such a way? How can one forgive, particularly when there has been dreadful hurt and injustice, and no acknowledgement of the wrong perpetrated?

‘Lord, I simply cannot love in this way. I cannot be perfect, even as you are perfect! So, my dear Lord, reach deeply into my heart with your redeeming, purifying love. Gift me with your love. And then I know your love will reach out from me, despite my weakness, and in the ways you know best. Amen’.