Friday, November 29, 2013

The Next Chapter

You can probably tell that blogging has not been a priority for me in the last several months.  Ever since Google stupidly deleted Reader it became very hard for me to stay up on my favorite blogs.  So, I stayed connected through JBTC's website.  She was so sweet to text me last night and check up on me.  I thought everyone deserved an update from me or at least I thought it was appropriate to wrap up in a way my infertility story.

By late August and early September, events in my life had become so traumatic, my body and brain could not tolerate the stress and pressure any longer.  Separation and divorce were imminent and we were already making concrete plans to go through with it.  I was my own worst enemy.

I took a step I should have several years ago.  I called my therapist that I'd worked with in my early to mid-twenties.  She is a talented, wonderful woman who helped me understand how my weaknesses were driving me further downward.  And, in this case, most importantly, she connected me with a psychiatrist that is reliable and caring (just what I needed).

The result of the treatment has been miraculous.  I am happy for the first time since the month we started trying to conceive: October 2009.  A major component of that happiness is hopefulness.  I'm able to look forward and see great things.

Work has never been better.  My annual evaluation deemed I was nearly perfect.  Of course, I took that with a grain of salt but being told you are showing incredible maturity and professionalism is pretty great.  My boss also said I was poised for executive management.  I manage six people and that has given my a wonderful sense of responsibility to mentor, guide, and inspire.  I love my job and look forward to work every morning.

My marriage has also recovered.  I realize we were in a negative feedback loop for years.  My anger and irritability made my husband defensive and sometimes aggressive.  And that made me angry and depressed.  I am no longer irritable.  Not to say my emotions are dampened; they're not.  It's just that I don't obsess over negative situations.  I get angry, say my piece and move on to something else.  I'm not flooded with negativity.

My energy level is very high.  Consequently, I'm highly productive.  I get a lot done in a day.  And I feel great doing it.  I feel very grateful for what I have.  I'm luckier than I should be.  God has done great things for me.  I'm still questioning Catholicism but it's a fruitful search.  My husband thinks I should go to confession more often but I'm taking it slow-a great pace for me.

I am no longer sensitive to infertility.  I suffered unnecessarily for a very long time but now I feel those bonds are loosened.