A Smattering (Yes, reader from the USCCB. I'm talking to you.)

• My mood's picked up only because I'm dreaming about real estate.  My husband's already talking about buying some property in his new location.  I told him bare ground works great for me because I have plans for a barn house.  Something like this totally appeals to me. 

Why buy an old, energy inefficient house that you'll have to renovate when you can get a prefab (the one above is not) that's sustainable and green?!

• I've never been one to call out the "lurkers" as they're called.  This IS the internets so everybody's a lurker.  However, some of my readers are creeping me out since I see they've been reading for a long time and have had absolutely nothing to say.  Say something, please.  And who is the person from the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops?  I see you and what is your interest in my blog?  Are you gathering information for ex-communication?
• Despite my almost total opposition to the sacrament of reconciliation, I kind of have to go before Friday.  Some friends are having their marriage blessed in the Church tomorrow and my husband's the witness.  Wouldn't be good for me not to take communion.  Which is the reason why I'm going to confession today but I'd be lying if I said it's wasn't a primary motivator.
• I was really sad to read about Jenny's money woes.  I feel bad some bloggers are struggling to meet their financial needs in the midst of infertility and adoption.  I encourage other bloggers to write about the money aspect of infertility treatment, adoption, and new motherhood.  We talk so openly about medical matters, it only makes sense to talk about the money.  We're not adopting but it would be good to understand just how much it costs to adopt.  I'm trying to educate myself here.  Please help me.  Veiled references to adoption credits don't help me.   

Infertility Chip

This post was supposed to focus on our backpacking trip this weekend which was as mentally, physically, and emotional challenging as I'd say our Peru trip last year.  Except this was only 20 miles and two days.  We were in the Sequi.oa Nati.onal Fore.st and hiked to Pi.nto La.ke.  I always hate that I write about this stuff before I have the pictures available (can't seem to find the camera USB cable) so sorry there are no pictures.  But the weather was perfect, no mosquitoes, and terrific exercise. 

For some reason however, the Labor Day weekend was for me, a heart wrenching experience filled with misunderstandings and miscommunications (I guess that's redundant.)  My husband really struggled on the hike (we had some grueling uphill climbs) and accused me of trying to starve him just because I was never hungry enough to suggest we stop to each lunch.  I am very, very sensitive about being perceived as a good wife who anticipates her husband's needs.  So, to be accused of deliberately hurting him or not helping him, hurts deeply.  And there seems to be a lot of that lately.

Now that we live apart during the week, I work more, at work and at home.  I am simply much busier taking care of a household by myself.  I couldn't imagine doing this with kids to take care of (couldn't do it) but the strain is real.  My husband has focused more on what I forgot to do or forgot to pack than what I did.  He is very much "the glass is half empty" right now.  And we argued about that this weekend.  And I cried a lot.  My sunglasses are still stained with tears.  For some reason, I just can't wipe them clean.

It became obvious to me this weekend that I have an infertility chip on my shoulder.  That although infertility no longer stings like it used to, I view myself as a survivor and expect recognition of what I endure or what I've triumphed over.  Yes, this is wrong in practical, spiritual terms but the feeling is so strong.  I want my husband to constantly recognize the sacrifices I've made for us.  Ann Romney talked about how the burden of life is greater for women than men (that's how I interpreted it) in her speech at last week's RNC.  But that comment didn't make me feel any great empathy for Republicans or made me feel at peace with life, it made me very mad.  This is not fair and everybody knows it.

I'm angry that I'm not looking at the bright side.  I'm angry that my influence over my husband is lessened especially now that he's so close to his parents.  This is a very sore subject for me.  I'm angry that I'm not the one who made mistakes but I'm the one paying for them.  I'm struggling with the idea of following my husband into a life I never envisioned for myself and one that I don't really want.  I hate to sound dramatic but it's the truth.  I like my life here.  It's not perfect but it's my life.  Argh!!!

Porcelain

I was telling my husband last night on the phone about the horrible events happening in our community; the tragic miscarriages and loss of so many hopes and dreams.  We agreed that no matter how bad things seem for us, we are facing no pain that can equal someone who wants their child so badly and can't have them.  I am praying a little harder for them. 

We finally received a couple of weeks ago, the bill for my transvag ultrasound way back in February.  While I had sent what I thought was an impressive protest letter for charging me $1,100 for an abdominal u/s which was never ordered but performed anyway, the hospital just sent a revised bill for $685, the cost of the transvag u/s.  I asked my husband if I should call and negotiate them down or ask for payment installments.  He said to go ahead and just pay it which I was surprised by.  He normally likes to pay things at the last possible moment before incurring late charges, etc.  So, while nearly $700 is a hit to anybody's monthly budget, I'm glad it's finally out of my hair and the failed medicated cycle is behind us.  I can't imagine paying out that kind of money again just to get my period right on schedule like six days or so of shots and two weeks of progesterone cream meant absolutely nothing.

 

I'm late on Akin and what about circumcision?

The whole Todd Akin controvesy was interesting to watch given that he was beat up by both political parties.  I guess Republicans know when to throw a Senate candidate overboard when he'll hurt the chances of an already weak presidential nominee.  But, as a Catholic, reading the blogs (and my representative reading sample is JBTC's blog roll; not expansive, I agree) I was nominally surprised that none of the blogger, not even Leila wanted to capture this very hot story.  I searched for "Akin" on her blog but got nothing.  However, Altcatholicah did have something to say....   

Yes, I know that most of us are here to wax spiritual about infertility, adoption, secondary infertility, how you're carefree now you're a mother, you've always been a mother but like to hang out with the denied, etc., but what about some good old-fashioned praise for a guy who stands up for the Catholic belief on abortion?  No abortions ever, no exemptions.  And instead of just saying that, what he believed, Akin gave an offensive blowoff to women pregnant because of sexual assault.  "Give me a break, pregnancy from rape is rare because a woman's body can 'shut the whole thing down.'"  As an infertile, I found this political explanation of science and biology pretty amusing.  I guess even with repeated loving, consensual sex, my body "shuts the whole thing down."  And even referring to fertilization and conception as "the whole thing" is super funny.  I'm missing out of the "whole thing." 

As someone who hasn't been assaulted in that most horrific way and therefore in no position to judge how a victim should respond or interpret the possibility of pregnancy, I offer only my opinion on the political controversy.  If there's something a politician loves better than the unborn, it's his/her ability to be re-elected.  If the Republican party would have defended Todd Akin in the wake of a Democratic challenge, I'd have a lot more respect for them.  But his big money donors headed for the hills and left him sadly hanging onto his run for the Senate. 

And back to Altcatholicah (I'm too lazy to link, sorry) but they posted one essay from a woman recently raped who concludes her story by saying, "Rape is a horrible crime; an abortion won't make it better -- it merely compounds the tragedy."  It sounds like the writer is making a global judgement about the importance of not having an aborting your rapist's child (jeez, that sounds chilling) but if she's a Catholic, it absolutely makes sense.  It also makes sense that Sophia Mason at Altcatholiah wanted to give her profound thoughts on the discussion.  If they made sense.

Mason writes, Of course these women need help and support. But it is foolish—and dangerous—for men and for women who have never been in such circumstances, to make condescending assumptions about what sort of' 'help' might be best."  But then she goes on to do just that, make condescending assumptions about what sort of help might be best for "these women."  That has such a Clinton-esque ring to it.  "I did not have sex with THAT woman."  Mason, as a Catholic goes on to support a Catholic idea that conceiving a baby with that man that raped you as a unique healing experience that you shouldn't miss out on, hey it's "beneficent serendipity."  

I get the sense Mason thinks police departments and social service organizations are compelling assaulted women to have an abortion.  Strapping them down and forcing the procedure on them.  Give me a break.  If the pro-life folks get their way by restricting access to abortion to everybody, including rape victims, you're the one compelling women into a specific situation, not the scary pro-abortion cops and doctors.  

But, of course, all this discussion of pregnancy is moot when (and I know I'll get hell from saying this from a few particular people) Plan B is available at most hospitals and drug stores (at least in Calif.)  So, then no one if forced think about whether or not they'd have an abortion or not.  Doesn't everybody win in that case?  That's a rhetorical question, people.  

And a small comment on the circumcision issue.  It's big right now and the movement to stop and severely restrict access to male infant circumcision is gaining ground.  What do Catholics think about this?  Isn't this the religious liberty issue that could roll quite nicely into the "government's forcing Catholic employers to provide free contraception" issue that seems to have died?  Just an idea. 

This made me cry.

Stalled?

This was my first week on my new work schedule; an extra hour a day.  I responded to this change like I usually do, in a manic reactionary way.  I think it was Tuesday when I felt I had some extra time to get ready for work, so I vacuumed a good part of the house.  The windows were open and I was terribly afraid I was waking a neighbor up with the racket.  My husband hasn't quite learned how to do a long distance relationship so I had to coach him to write little text messages during the day so at least I wouldn't go ten hours without talking to him.  This morning, I made the prophetic announcement that neither of us should pass judgement on our situation until we're settled into the new routines.  He's still up at the company headquarters waiting on new wheels so he can get home; hopefully tonight.

I know I was expecting to be at 120 this morning.  It was not to be but not so bad in the scheme of things: 123.4.  I'm really getting to the edge of natural weight loss so we'll see where this goes.  I did sabotage myself Wednesday night by having a mochi ice cream ball and a couple cocktails (I guess that's how I needed to deal with a little loneliness.)  I did manage that day to go to Mass, yes!  I was downtown for a meeting so I ended up at the LA Cathedral for the noon Mass for the Assumption of the Virgin Mary.  Felt nice to see people in business suits take their lunch hour to go to church.  Can you spot the cathedral in the picture?

So like any good dieter (and believer), I'm shaking off the failures of the last couple days and marching forth.    

In spite of...

In spite of two beers, two glasses of wine, half a barbecue lamb sandwich, and a kid's scoop of Reece's Peanut Butter Cup ice cream, I lost some weight.  122.6 this morning.  Now just three pounds to go.  I'm giving myself until Thursday since that will be two weeks since I started.  It's crunch time.  

"Now you're ready for IVF?"

I'm sorry I haven't been updating my weight loss saga as closely as I could have.  I didn't weight myself this morning because it didn't look good; what the numbers might be, that is.  Two days ago I was at 123.4.  Just four more pounds to go.  This should be the hard part.  The first four was water weight.  The last four is fat and maybe a bit of muscle, I just don't know without one of the floating fat percentage test.  I'm kind of taking this weekend as a fun one.  My husband came back home a day early which I'm very happy about. :) We just came back from a car museum trip with our great friends which I can't name by their fake names because I can't now remember what I called them.

Last Tuesday, on the phone my husband said, "The new company insurance cover $15K of... I can't remember what it's called right now... what's it called?"

[Me] Infertility treatment.
[Him] Right, infertility treatment.
[Me] And how do you know this just two days into your job?
[Him] My boss told me.
[Me] You've already told them we're infertile????
[Him] Well, he and his wife have the same problem but she's a little older. Like 39 or 40.  (This is supposed to make me feel good?)
[Me] I guess you guys are cutting to the chase.  Back to the topic at hand.  We could afford to do IVF before, it wasn't a question of money.
[Him] Well it sort of was.  If you want to do that, I'd be OK with it.
[Me] But I don't want to do IVF.  Having insurance that covers it makes no difference to me.

Fast forward to this morning....
[Me] So, after all these years of telling me you don't want kids, now you want them?  Why?
[Him] Well, it would be nice to carry on the name.  Not like we'd be assured a boy, but...
[Me, heading to the master bathroom] Exactly, and this is my policy.  I am open to children as long as I can conceive them the same way 90% of the population does, FOR FREE, IN THE PRIVACY OF MY OWN HOME, AND ON NO DRUGS.  Only that way am I open to having kids.  Why should I pay thousands of dollars for something that most people get for free?
[Him] OK, honey.

And that's where we left it.

The aforementioned friends were the only ones so far that actually asked us how my husband and I would handle being apart for a few days at a time.  They passed no initial judgement like every other person so far has.  I said I was excited.  I'm happy my husband is working at a great job.  The last year was hell and it didn't help having him home every day.  That was not a good compromise.  I'm excited to travel to a new place a couple times a month.  This is an adventure.  It's not a bad thing and people can keep their bad attitudes to themselves.  This is going to be fun!

4 lbs Lost!

Ah, progress.  Gotta love that.  I was 123.6 this morning and it feels great.  Four pounds makes such a difference for me.  10 red grapes was on the menu for dinner last night.  Sounds harsh to have only that but I cheated in a major way by eating one of those wrapped ice cream cones you get at a gas station.  The company was handing out the junk as an employee appreciate event and I guess a way to cool down.  So because everybody else was eating the cones, I did too.  I worked out twice yesterday.  Last night, I did Karen Voight's Quick Slim Cardio.  Instead of another picture, here's a video:



I made today's lunch last night, spinach ravoli with marinara sauce and sauteed yellow squash.  Let's see how that microwaves back to life. 

I seem to have been dropped by any mom commenters.  Sure, I can see how embracing childlessness is boring to them or that I've become an anathema.  Perhaps that harsh but it's striking to me how different I am now.  Before I was part of the NaPro pack.  People were so interested in my procedures and I'm sure just waiting for them to work.  Is it offensive that it didn't work for me and I'm not afraid to shout that out?  Just curious. 

A Little Perspective

What have I forgotten to document?  Saturday night, I did Jennifer Galardi's Sweating Sexy.  I love that workout; Jennifer is so much fun and I dig the dance routine. 



Food wise, I'm eating not so healthy stuff like pizza and more wine last night but I'm eating just a little bit so it's not hitting me that hard.  Weight this morning was 125.2.  125 is really my baseline weight so I getting back there is not difficult but getting under it is.  If I want to push the weight loss more, I have to go into full deprivation mode and I'm now starting to realize that might not be worth it.  I was very happy with my weight post-Peru at 119 but I cannot replicate that in real life.  I'm not doing high altitude hiking eight hours a day.  Right now, my ass is in an office chair.  Even working out an hour a day, to lose, I'll have to eat much less.  I guess I'm on the fence right now.

This morning I did Grace and Gusto by Ellen Barrett.  Not sure about lunch today, I didn't bring anything to work except, you guessed it... cherries! 



So, let me get something straight here.  I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad by advertising my "bad" weight as such and you'd be happy if you were at my "bad" weight.  Everyone is different and I'll be the first to acknowledge that weight is probably the worst measurement of the body's state.  While being slim is important to me, strength and muscle tone is a very high priority for me.  I like lifting weights and gain muscle relatively easily.  A lot of women shy away from using weights which I think, as a non-scientist, is not good.  Muscle development helps your bones and supports your whole system.  And I think it's sexy to be strong.  I'm glad my husband think so, too.  He like athletic women.

I've played sports and worked out my entire life.  I know how my body should look.  125 is good.  I'm satisfied at that weight.  And even if I get down below 120, I likely won't stay there long since I enjoy food enough to want to eat and be satisfied.  So, please don't read what I write about myself and project it on to you.  I'd advocate working out for health long before I'd suggest anybody starve themselves to be thin.  That's why I write about my workouts at home because I think it's a good idea for anybody, even mothers who are short on time.  Being active is a wonderful lifestyle and I'd gladly promote the idea.

Meltdown

You'd think I was 2 years old, I had a total meltdown at Trader Joe's this morning.  My husband and I were all off when it came to scheduling and expectations for the day.  We went shopping with the intention of buying all my Karen Voight 10-day meal ingredients.  The diet is effectively close to starvation as far as I can tell.  I don't use the "starvation" with any ill-meaning.  It's just really low calories.  Anyway, by the time my husband said, "Do you really need all that bok choy?" I was in tears.  I pulled my sunglasses down.  I decided that maybe this was not the right time to be starting a rigorous diet. I put everything back expect for the regular rice milk we normally buy.  I did a lot of crying today for various reasons I can detail later.  Suffice it to say, we'll get through this particular heartbreak the same way we get through the last, with prayer.

I was 125.6 this morning.  I managed a half hour weight lifting routine this afternoon.  We (I) am cheating on the diet tonight by having red wine (did I say I wouldn't have any alcohol?) and now we're heading to one of our favorite restaurants; the place where we had our rehearsal dinner. :)

Ugh!

126.6 today.  Did it twice; same result.  Didn't workout last night because my husband came home yesterday afternoon.  Dinner was a chicken sausage with 4/5 of a whole grain roll.  Yeah, I felt bad about it.  But it was yummy.  Busy weekend ahead so I'm not sure how much working out I'll be doing.  Oh, and I got my period yesterday so the bloating/water weight should (I hope) come down by tomorrow.

Margin of Error

Clearly our scale (my husband's from before we got married) has a margin of error of 0.2.  I got on the scale this morning, breathed out heavily and registered a 126.6.  Downward progress, Yes!  Not satisfied apparently with that number, I got back on and it said 126.8.  Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.  So, I'm thinking my actual weight is anywhere from 126.4 to 126.8.  I'll take the mean number.  I feel a tiny less dumpy. 

For dinner last night, I ended up modifying a recipe from the Trader Joe's website: Bacon-Feta Stuffed Chicken Breast.  Since I didn't have any bacon at home, but did have everything else, chicken, tomatoes, fresh basil, fresh oregano, olive oil and feta chesse, I soldiered on.  Just flattened the chicken to make the whole thing an even thickness, put a tiny bit of olive oil (no more than a half a tablespoon) in the flat pan, browned both sides on medium heat than added the chopped tomato, basil, and oregano while the chicken finished cooking on low-medium.  Topped with a tiny bit of feta.  I am on a diet here.

The chicken turned out a bit on the dry side but nothing horrible.  I was tempted to have a small glass of wine but drank just half a Juice Squeeze (love those drinks).  Both my dad and husband called when I was eating but I rejected their phone calls to eat my lovingly prepared meal in peace.  I'll call my dad back this morning.

Last evening's workout (done barefoot) was:


  

Day 1 - Not off to a good start

The weigh-in was 127.6 this morning.  So much for the benefits of just cherries for dinner!  HA!  I was not very hungry for breakfast this morning but ate some whole grain cereal with about 3/4 cup of fresh blueberries and rice milk.  Mid-morning snack will be a banana.  I also brought a stick of string cheese and twenty cherries for snacks any time I'm hungry.  Lunch is a low-calories wonton soup.  Fairly high sodium (it is frozen) but it's super spicy and savory so it should fill me up.  I don't know what I'm doing for dinner right now.  Maybe grill some fish or chicken with sliced tomatoes and cucumbers.  I'll throw something together.  Still feel dumpy despite getting up pretty early to take my part-time dog to the park to run around.

Here's the workout I did last night:

Weight Loss - And No, not because of the Olympics

Lots of articles have been written in the past week saying how this is a big time for people to start exercising because they are inspired by the Olympics.  I simply want to get back in shape.  I was quite sick for two weeks in July and so maybe worked out three time in those two weeks.  The last two days I've hit it hard but my heart is having a hard time keeping up.  Maybe because I'm premenstrual but I'm totally bloated which makes me feel dumpy and lame.  But, my secret vow (the secret is kept from my husband) is that I'm on the road to losing eight pounds.  At this moment I'm not sure how long I'll take to do this.  Two weeks sounds about right off the top of my head.

My weight this morning was 127.4 and the reason that happened was because I ate a huge slice of birthday cake.  Thankfully, that was the last of it.  And I had a mochi ball.  Yum!  Lunch today was Korean soon tofu so quite high calorie but dinner was a slice of string cheese and a bunch of cherries.  I have the old Karen Voight free weight loss menu which I plan to buy the ingredients for this weekend and kick off the official menu on Monday.  In the meantime, I will do my best to keep it light. 

So, my little blog will turn into a daily weight loss journal for two weeks or so.  I have a huge appetite so this will be hard but I'm determined to feel agile and slim.  The impetus for the new diet plan came from here.  Worth reading and it's short!

Here's the workout I did last night: