This post was supposed to focus on our backpacking trip this weekend which was as mentally, physically, and emotional challenging as I'd say our Peru trip last year. Except this was only 20 miles and two days. We were in the Sequi.oa Nati.onal Fore.st and hiked to Pi.nto La.ke. I always hate that I write about this stuff before I have the pictures available (can't seem to find the camera USB cable) so sorry there are no pictures. But the weather was perfect, no mosquitoes, and terrific exercise.
For some reason however, the Labor Day weekend was for me, a heart wrenching experience filled with misunderstandings and miscommunications (I guess that's redundant.) My husband really struggled on the hike (we had some grueling uphill climbs) and accused me of trying to starve him just because I was never hungry enough to suggest we stop to each lunch. I am very, very sensitive about being perceived as a good wife who anticipates her husband's needs. So, to be accused of deliberately hurting him or not helping him, hurts deeply. And there seems to be a lot of that lately.
Now that we live apart during the week, I work more, at work and at home. I am simply much busier taking care of a household by myself. I couldn't imagine doing this with kids to take care of (couldn't do it) but the strain is real. My husband has focused more on what I forgot to do or forgot to pack than what I did. He is very much "the glass is half empty" right now. And we argued about that this weekend. And I cried a lot. My sunglasses are still stained with tears. For some reason, I just can't wipe them clean.
It became obvious to me this weekend that I have an infertility chip on my shoulder. That although infertility no longer stings like it used to, I view myself as a survivor and expect recognition of what I endure or what I've triumphed over. Yes, this is wrong in practical, spiritual terms but the feeling is so strong. I want my husband to constantly recognize the sacrifices I've made for us. Ann Romney talked about how the burden of life is greater for women than men (that's how I interpreted it) in her speech at last week's RNC. But that comment didn't make me feel any great empathy for Republicans or made me feel at peace with life, it made me very mad. This is not fair and everybody knows it.
I'm angry that I'm not looking at the bright side. I'm angry that my influence over my husband is lessened especially now that he's so close to his parents. This is a very sore subject for me. I'm angry that I'm not the one who made mistakes but I'm the one paying for them. I'm struggling with the idea of following my husband into a life I never envisioned for myself and one that I don't really want. I hate to sound dramatic but it's the truth. I like my life here. It's not perfect but it's my life. Argh!!!