Peru, baby!

No, I have no baby.  You're the baby!  We're headed for Peru in October to do a 13-day, 60 mile hike.  Do we ever take relaxing vacations?, NO!  What's the point of laying on the beach?  We read about this trip in the NY.T.imes are we wired the money yesterday.  This is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I'm thrilled and excited to be doing it.

In other news, I saw the RE today.  I don't know why I put it off.  She was very nice, pragmatic, accommodating.  I give her my entire history and said, "diagnose me."  She stressed that getting pregnant is never a sure thing even for a couple, both 25 with normal fertility.  She said it could be my age, my husband's age, a combination of the two, or just plain bad luck.

I told her about what we're not doing (Clomid, IVF, the thing opposite a perforated condom) and she said that's no problem, we could do injectables with monitoring and sex or maybe GIFT.  My husband would balk at the cost of the latter (and I would to, really.)  And with the monitoring, we'd need to use a local radiologist since the doctor agrees that driving down to L..A... for that is stressful and unnecessary.

So, with this trip to Peru, I'm happily putting off any conception attempts.  What a nice break all summer to look forward to the big trip and not have to focus on fertility.  [Slow, deep breath]

Veiled?

I'm curious.  Do you wear a veil to Mass?  We have a few ladies that do so at our parish.  OK, they're Hispanic but it seems like a wonderful thing to do.  Do you?

The Holy Father Tweets!

Broken Body

I'd been hitting the workouts very hard lately (heavy weights, high impact stuff) and initially it felt great.  But after a couple of months I seem to be getting injury after injury.  I'm going to sound like an old person now....  Ah, my left arm just below my deltoid has been strained for two months.  Last weekend I tweaked my left foot doing a spin dance thing and my right knee is screwed ever since I did a misaligned curtsy squat.  If I'd just slowed down and watched the instructors feet....  Now, with the nagging annoyances at home (we seem to argue endlessly about who's not pulling their weight, stupid!), I've got a pulled right neck.  Gosh.

And that's not all.  When I saw my periodontist last week, the assistant girl asked if I'd had any health changes since last year.  I always say my health is exemplary no matter what and I'm taking no drugs.  That just makes everything easier.  But this time I said everything was fine with my head area.  And then I mentally ran through the litany of problems I've had lately.  By the time the periodontist came around, I was complaining how everyone and their brother was nagging me over my breast ultrasound follow-up.  And he joined the chorus.  So, I've got that appointment next week.  Can't wait to get home and put some more heat on my neck.

Water off a duck's back?

My husband didn't react to Father's Day the way I did to Mother's Day.  I had to get out of town for the latter but we went to my in-laws for the former.  While the quick trip was hectic, I appreciated the relative calm of the day.  However, when it comes to my infertility my in-laws have made insensitive comments in the past which I consistently overlook.  I mean, I forgive but am not forgetting.  This time when we toasted my FIL with the disappointing bloody marys I crafted (my husband reminded me to shake the mixture, not stir it), my FIL said quietly to my husband, "Hopefully, son, you'll be a father soon."  Ouch.  I didn't talk to my husband about this afterwards because frankly he doesn't really care and I doubt he even heard the comment.

I think we all take or took our fertility for granted.  And our parents probably assumed it was there, too.  Who thinks they will fall into a small minority of people who will have problems?  But, I'm just not hearing from the people that chalk it up to whatever, bad luck, God's testing you, what goes around comes around, etc.  Where are the couples that say, "we're movin' on?"  No more drugs, no more testing, no more tries, no adoption.

Clearly I'm still struggling with that reality.  I have an appointment scheduled with the RE on Friday that I cancelled last year.  My reasoning back then was, "what can she tell me that I don't already know?"  I guess I forgot that I thought that when I made the appointment when I got my period last week.  It was this... I feel like I gave everything I could to NaPro.  I trusted and I have no answers.  Thankfully, many of you did not have this same result.  NaPro gave you what you wanted.  I'm disillusioned for sure but I should have been smarter to know that a more individualized approach would have worked better for me.

If Dr. S.tig.en had asked me, "What's been your prior experience with psychotropic drugs?"  My answer would have been "not at all good."  Then maybe hormone therapy/infertility drugs wouldn't be so great for my emotions.  But, I marched ahead thinking how bad could this be and then it was really bad.  My husband and a few of you have asked why I haven't moved on to Femara and the low dose naltrexone.  The straight answer is that I'm scared what it will do to my head and I'm sick of drugs.  I don't like drugs, prescription or otherwise.  I'm not a fertility drug candidate.  So, why is it so hard to pull the plug on this stuff?

I've said this before but I'm letting anecdotal evidence sway my decision making.  I think I have a pretty good track record in knowing what I can handle and what I can't.  But I guess the pressure from outside sources, like the in-laws and my own parents are making this an uphill battle.  What I am thinking?  I should just talk to the four of them and tell them in polite terms to lay off.  This is my life, my marriage.  We know what's best for us.

Time to cancel the RE appointment again?    

That's a good point

Please take time to read Joy Beyond the Cross's and NC's comments on my last post.  Thanks for taking the time to comment ladies; I really do appreciate it.  And it gives me a great opportunity to explain what might seem incongruous.  But I assure you, it's not.

First, seriously, I AM NOT PRO ABORTION OR PRO ARTIFICIAL BIRTH CONTROL.  Sorry to shout but I guess I've failed to make myself clear.  I'm not going around advocating those activities to anybody.    In the United States, we separate church and state.  I believe to my core in that principle.  I also believe the Jesus Christ is the Son of God and he suffered and died for our sins.  Despite the fact that I'm a faithful Catholic, I'll defer to the online group and take down the "Faithful to Magesterium" button.  The last thing I want to be on my blog is confusing, so down it goes.      

I support absolute opportunity and equal rights for women under secular law.  Women should not be subordinate to a man in the eyes of the law.  The government should not be able to force a woman to give birth to a child.  They should not be kept from receiving birth control.  I'm sure this is not news to those of you in the know but, "Only 2% of Catholic women rely on natural family planning; this is true even among Catholic women who attend church once a month or more."  If you're using NFP (like I am to not much success), we are in a tiny minority.  


So this indictment of Catholics who profess respect for the United States Constitution is baffling to me.  There are a lot of Catholics using birth control.  I'm not one of them, so you're better off going after them.  I'm not averse to conflict, actually discourse like this is fun and educational for me but I guess I'm fast approaching my limit.  I don't delete any comments unless they are abusive and of course, nobody has been.  I don't dislike you if you disagree with me.  

I guess I'm trying to cover too many diverse topics on a narrow topic blog.  Although infertility has been a big blow to me, I'd seriously hate myself if I wallowed in that fact and that's the only thing I wrote about.  I'm a bad Catholic infertile blog support group member. :)  But, this is my blog and I won't shy away from advocating my position.

Is it worth it anymore?

I read Just Being's last entry yesterday.  She made some very good points, not all of which I agree with but it reminds me that being an infertile blogger has social consequences like anything in real life.  Some people will get more attention, some will say things to upset others, some will disappoint you in a myriad of ways.  All that's happened to me and I suspect I've done it to somebody else.

Because I spend a lot of time anxious and critical, I think several times before I write negative things about other people.  I've got problems with other bloggers at times, yes but I know most people aren't out to hurt others and if I walk away, I'll forget about it.  And I prefer that state.  I mean, I have major philosophical differences with the majority of you out there and what's the point of driving home my undying support of strong womens' rights laws, including abortion.  You obviously disagree, let's not beat a dead horse.  (I hate that analogy.)  Oh, but by the way, I can't stand to read how birth control pills are the root of all evil and are the direct cause of all female maladies.  Really?  Come on.

But, I will say that it does upset me when I write about a sensitive topic or one I really care about and I don't get a single comment.  Mea culpa, I rarely comment anymore.  So, I just go ahead and delete those posts.  Why let it hang out if no one is demonstrably interested?  But people are reading.  I track you, I know the city you live in ;) so I hope you have a good time reading.

No one is who they say they are on their blog.  I'm certainly not.  I've experienced and done things I would never share here even though I think it would shed a lot of light on what kind of person I am and what has motivated me.  I don't have the time to write about all my current events no matter how interesting I think they are or how interesting they would be to read.  I like my blog because this is the only way I'd keep a diary.  Modern life is sad, right?

Becoming a Catholic, learning Creighton, finding out I'm infertile have all been major milestones in my life.  And I'm glad I can weigh those lessons against what I know to be rational and true.  Faith is different from that and I keep much of it separate.  I know God works for me and I also know that Creighton doesn't work for me.  I wouldn't have known that without the help of the infertile blog community and I thank you so very much for that.  We don't all have to get pregnant and have children to come to conclusions about our predicament.

I'll keep blogging, because it's mostly fun.  And I'll try not to take it personally when you don't comment.  I just hope you find my blog and entertaining and educational experience.

Decisions

My mother's making her strange comments again.  "Even though IVF isn't approved by Catholics, you wouldn't have to tell anybody right or report it?"  "Yes, Mom that's true but I've told you before we're not doing it."  Then I gave a sort of crude reference to the male donation process.  I've become much happier when I've stopped listening to my mother.  I swear being in my thirties is the best phase of life (so far.)

But we're really getting the "are you pregnant yet?" message from all sides.  Friends, co-workers (his), in-laws (mine).  I feel like we're the project that never gets finished.  You know what I mean?  What I love about my husband and why I am attracted to him is that he is not at all susceptible to peer pressure.  If he does something, he does it because he wants to, not because his buddy said to do it.  I'm essentially the same way; no sororities for me in college.

That said, we're not living in a bubble and we fully understand other people's expectations.  But I'm more concerned with my own.  I sure get tired of this crap.  I feel like I'd be more authentic by just stopping all together.  No more trying.  It's not fun to try month after month and keep getting rejected.  I have my pride.

I've decided that if I'm not pregnant this cycle (I'm lookin' for a miracle here), I'll go see the RE I was looking at last year.  Sure, she's gonna run the same story by me but I know myself, what I've been through, and what we're willing to do.  I'll lay it out.  We play by our rules or we don't play.  Ah, self-determination.  It feels so good.

"Clothes, that's all you women ever think about."

Now that I've gotten to the age where I've built up a good wardrobe and feel pretty confident in what I can wear and still look professional, tailored, and comfortable, before I buy something new, I ask myself, "Do I really need this?"  Of course, as a woman, there's always some inherent pleasure in shopping for shopping's sake, my husband's fiscal discipline reminds me to be choosy.  I try to buy from websites that offer free shipping and generous return policies, i.e. free return shipping.  If the company only gives free shipping over a certain dollar amount, I call and ask for free shipping anyhow and at least with Nor.dstrom, that works every time.

I'm almost always in the market for tailored pants because those are the hardest to fit.  I hold on to black trousers for many years but tend to get very annoyed when the seams break down.  Although I like the style at Ta.lbots, my MIL did comment a few years ago that she thought the quality had gotten really cheap and I'm starting to agree with her.  So, although I like the quality at J.Cr.ew, they fit their clothes for stick people so it's a real trick to find the right size.

Case in point, I bought some black light wool slacks online at J.C.rew and they fit very nice.  Loved them so I ordered the same style and size in navy and grey.  Those pairs fit so awkwardly I returned them and was pretty disappointed they didn't work out like the black pair did.  Anyhoo, I'm still in the market for super nice pants.  I sometimes toy with the idea of buying a designer pair but can't get over some of those prices (>$400.)

I'm looking at some shoes from Nord.strom, but I have to wait until this afternoon (I am taking the afternoon off like all of you suggested :)) to call and get free shipping.  It's a never ending saga.

What?

I'm getting an indication that my company might not be reimbursing a business lunch I had last week.  Geez, it's not like it was a pleasure trip.  I'm trying to drum up business here.  And having lunch on the company has happened three times in the last five years.  Thanks people.  [UPDATE] Actually, my boss was pretty nice about it although they categorized it as a per diem lunch rate.  So, although the lunch was $22, they capped it at $15.  Not great but not bad.

My July travel schedule is all screwed up.  We were supposed to go to Colorado for a mini-vacation but then my husband said he'd be flying in Tuesday afternoon and flying out Thursday morning.  That hardly seemed worth the expense so he's going without me.  I really don't care about that but this was supposed to be kind of a birthday celebration.

My family members in California are flying to the Midwest in early July to see one of my sister's get a promotion.  I have all kinds of problems with this.  I decided I wasn't going (and I'm the only one not going) but haven't yet explained this to my sister.  I don't want to go into it but I think this sibling needs to get over here to see us rather than have all of us visit her all the time.  Which is what's happened for the last five years.

[UPDATE] I did have a wonderful email exchange with the sister in question.  She can really be thoughtful and giving when she tries.  So, we love each other and will work it out.

Ahh! [UPDATE] Back to good.

Four precious hours

We've got a use-or-lose-it type of vacation here at work and yours truly has four very precious hours I must use before July 1.  It's already the 13th, and I have to be strategic about this given my underling is going on vacation next week and I have to do all of his work while he's gone.

So, I need you ladies to give me a good suggestion!  Do I take the afternoon off on a Friday?  Do I leave early or come in a hour late for four days?  This is kind of like having some special end of fiscal year candy.  

Cute dress

We were driving back from San Die.go yesterday and stopped at Fash.ion Isl.and and then the Bas.s Pro Sh.op in... I always forget what city it's in but, you know, the Inlan.d Em.pire.  After spending more than I wanted to Anthro.polo.gie for a shirt that I'll wear until holes are in it and a great orange dress I can wear to work in the summer, I picked up a very cute dress at Bass for $20!  I couldn't wait to wear it to run errands this morning and accessorized with my tiger print flats.  The front just had to be pinned but since I'm so flat, I hardly worried about it.  Here's a link: http://www.basspro.com/Natural-Reflections-Woven-Sun-Dress-for-Ladies-Blue/White-Print/product/10211637/-1783336

Seven months???

Jeez, I hadn't realized it until I posted this fact on matchingmoonhead's blog but my laparascopy was seven months ago today.  Talk about not getting the instant benefit of the surgery but since I didn't have much of anything going bad anyway, I think the lap was not very useful except for the fact I got to see my insides which is always cool.  I never have watched the video again after the post-op appointment.

I guess it's the test of any blog author to be able to market one's self as switching focus.  My primary readership is highly likely to be married Catholic women who were or are infertile.  It's a special group, to be sure, but I think I'm the only one who has pretty much quit.  I want to keep my blog but I'd better muster up some promotion skills and get a expand my audience if I want people to read about my super opinions.  [sort of tongue-in-cheek.]

I've been having a good time focusing on my Spanish lessons.  It's really fun and enlightening to work with my Mexico City friends.  I really wish I could still speak French and Russian well but if you dropped me in Quebec, France, Russia or any former Soviet republic (loose term), I could do pretty well.  Maybe not go into the full depth of my feelings or world events but have a pretty decent conversation.

The marriage is going great.  My husband tries hard to make me happy most of the time and I try to keep a not-so-serious attitude when possible.  It's getting easier to not focus on not being able to get pregnant.

We head to San D.iego next week and I'm staying at the same hotel as I did in April.  That should be a good break.  I'm now a vacation queen!

Jack & Jill

Jeez, I'm not sure where I left off with my stories.  Ok, it's coming to me....  I did write about calling Jack and letting him know how it felt to be abandoned by his friendship.  He suggested getting together and that did happen last weekend.

My husband, bless his sweet heart, really enjoys Jack and says he's very interesting to talk to since he knows many things.  I know this to be somewhat true but I know Jack to make statements that are clearly untrue just to argue the point and draw the other party into it.  Case in point, he told me when we were dating that "70% of the  po.r.n is consumed by women."  This is such a crazy statement that even I couldn't believe it but it stands as a prime example of Jack's thinking.

They were late.  Jill wasn't going to come since she has morning sickness but managed to make it.  The conversation was pleasant enough.  I refrained from calling them out on their chicken behavior.  Hell, if you want to end it, be a man (or woman) and say it.  Don't drop it.  I did my duty as a former girlfriend and someone who's known Jack for sixteen years, not to let his wife know that I know him better than she does.  She is stupid not to believe it but I didn't want to confirm anything.  Almost everything experienceable that Jack talked about, I was actually there when it happened or knew about it within minutes of it happening.

The only thing Jack said that pissed me off was when he said African priests are hyper-conservative and hate gays.  I reminded him that one of our priests is African and he f'ing officiated at our wedding that Jack and Jill attended.  He's never talked about things he hates or even dislikes, other than sin and I wouldn't ever imagine him speaking against homosexuality even if he didn't like it.  Despite coming from a strong Catholic family himself, Jack can't bring himself to be respectful.

Jill did say something that made me a bit concerned in that she's somewhat religious (heck, they kneeled at an altar at their wedding) but Jack's an atheist and Jill's worried this will cause some problems once the baby's born.  I could see that coming a mile away.  No one think differing religious views can hurt a couple until you introduce another human being into the situation that you have to raise.

I didn't want to sound like their mother but I do find it odd they felt it was a good time to have a baby when they both do freelance work and they haven't work since Christmas.  They live in a very desirable beach community and they pay dearly for that, a tiny 700 sqft, one bedroom, one bathroom condo.  I did ask how they were going to put a child in that place and Jack conceded that finding another place to live might be in their immediate future.  Too bad the condo is worth $100K less that what he bought it for on 100% financing.

If it seems like I'm gloating, I feel justified about that to a certain extent.  I mean, my husband and I own a big enough home for three kids, we make enough money to give our kids a nice lifestyle but ironically, we have no kids.  We did rehearse before the brunch what we'd say if they asked us about pregnancy plans, but thankfully Jack and Jill didn't address it and I tried to ask no questions about her pregnancy.  I really didn't want to break them out of their naive belief that pregnancy is a highly controllable state.  Ignorance in their case, is bliss.

I'm not calling him anymore.  While I could spend lots of time wishing he would be a better person and friend, the odds are stacked against that and I've got to move forward with more trustworthy folks.  At least I got to drink a bloody mary.

On The Fence?

I talked to Dr. Sti.gen a couple weeks ago.  I'm not sure I wrote about it here.  I asked her about doing an ultrasound study but after talking with the husband, decided against it.  If I was insecure about my CM, I certainly don't want the same thing when it comes to follicle size.  Besides, it's not practical.  Not cost-effective or time-effective.  I can do without.

She mailed me a cycle plan with all the regular NaPro stuff, Femara, Vitamin B6, Fertile CM, Mucinex, Biaxin, Low Dose Naltrexone, and the blood draw order.  Part of me thinks why not do it?  Could it hurt?  But, I'm not jazzed about anything I've taken before.  Femara's not got me convinced and the possible nightmares on Naltrexone is scaring me half to death.  I'm already an intense dreamer and blocking my opioids hardly sounds promising.

None of what she wants me to take is very groundbreaking in the NaPro world, it's what they all prescribe.  I'm just not there with trying the same thing for yet another cycle and trying anything new.  I haven't filled all the prescriptions and so this next cycle will be drug free again.