Monday, June 27, 2011

Water off a duck's back?

My husband didn't react to Father's Day the way I did to Mother's Day.  I had to get out of town for the latter but we went to my in-laws for the former.  While the quick trip was hectic, I appreciated the relative calm of the day.  However, when it comes to my infertility my in-laws have made insensitive comments in the past which I consistently overlook.  I mean, I forgive but am not forgetting.  This time when we toasted my FIL with the disappointing bloody marys I crafted (my husband reminded me to shake the mixture, not stir it), my FIL said quietly to my husband, "Hopefully, son, you'll be a father soon."  Ouch.  I didn't talk to my husband about this afterwards because frankly he doesn't really care and I doubt he even heard the comment.

I think we all take or took our fertility for granted.  And our parents probably assumed it was there, too.  Who thinks they will fall into a small minority of people who will have problems?  But, I'm just not hearing from the people that chalk it up to whatever, bad luck, God's testing you, what goes around comes around, etc.  Where are the couples that say, "we're movin' on?"  No more drugs, no more testing, no more tries, no adoption.

Clearly I'm still struggling with that reality.  I have an appointment scheduled with the RE on Friday that I cancelled last year.  My reasoning back then was, "what can she tell me that I don't already know?"  I guess I forgot that I thought that when I made the appointment when I got my period last week.  It was this... I feel like I gave everything I could to NaPro.  I trusted and I have no answers.  Thankfully, many of you did not have this same result.  NaPro gave you what you wanted.  I'm disillusioned for sure but I should have been smarter to know that a more individualized approach would have worked better for me.

If Dr. S.tig.en had asked me, "What's been your prior experience with psychotropic drugs?"  My answer would have been "not at all good."  Then maybe hormone therapy/infertility drugs wouldn't be so great for my emotions.  But, I marched ahead thinking how bad could this be and then it was really bad.  My husband and a few of you have asked why I haven't moved on to Femara and the low dose naltrexone.  The straight answer is that I'm scared what it will do to my head and I'm sick of drugs.  I don't like drugs, prescription or otherwise.  I'm not a fertility drug candidate.  So, why is it so hard to pull the plug on this stuff?

I've said this before but I'm letting anecdotal evidence sway my decision making.  I think I have a pretty good track record in knowing what I can handle and what I can't.  But I guess the pressure from outside sources, like the in-laws and my own parents are making this an uphill battle.  What I am thinking?  I should just talk to the four of them and tell them in polite terms to lay off.  This is my life, my marriage.  We know what's best for us.

Time to cancel the RE appointment again?    

1 comment:

  1. I'm experiencing this with my family too. At first I thought this was a great thing that they were interested but now I feel even more pressure than I did before each month with them asking me if I'm pregnant and what we're doing/changing.
    What did you mean when you say you aren't a fertility drug candidate? You don't really need them or because of your reaction? I'm curious if they just give everyone ovulation inducing drugs even if you're ovulating on your own. Maybe I need to go back and read your history.

    One thing we're already trying to talk about is how long we'll do 'treatment', which is maybe what you're hinting at? His mom acts like we'll do it until we get a baby because "its just our life", but we both realize that this is a choice for us and is not medically necessary. Especially given our diagnosis.