I just saw Dr. Douche. It was a follow-up to a prescription to treat a bladder infection I thought I had last week. The office prescribed it without a test even though I offered to take one, they said it wasn't necessary. But, strangely this was the first infection I'd ever had (and I've had dozens) that I wasn't sure it was a UTI. Faint pain, that was it. But, of course the antibiotic was appreciated and helpful.
Anyhoo, he didn't mention it at the sush.i place, but he asked if I am pregnant. I said no. He asked why not and he thought this "was a project." I told him about the laparoscopy in November and what she found and that I've taken Clomi.d and it's evil and now I'm leaving it up to God. He just looked at me askance and said, "Hmmmm." He then told me to get ready for Mardi Gras and Ash Wednesday starting tomorrow and I informed him that it's actually next week. I loved making him look uninformed!
Monday, February 28, 2011
Response to comments on my last post
I very much appreciate the comments to yesterday's post. While I write primarily to share my personal feelings, I am thankful for the feedback. That said, I did not mean to hurt or misconstrue the sincere motives of those of you who work and volunteer in those kinds of services. I believe the work is valuable and applaud women of conviction acting on those convictions.
When I was taking speech courses in college, I did learn that you must speak the truth. Lying to people in order to manipulate your audience violates the code you have with them. I'm not saying I know the speaker in question lied to us, but my experience and gut tell me it's highly possible. And I stand by my belief she should have demonstrated compassion towards a woman in her midst who says she's been raped. Just as there are crisi.s pre.gnancy coun.seling cen.ters, there are services available to rape victims that deal with very serious issues. Rape is a crime in this country and I thank God we take it much more seriously here than most other countries. I think the speaker on Sunday should have paid it heed.
Naturally I'm in a position where my main readers are faithful to all Catholic Church teachings and when I challenge that or am sometimes critical, I understand I'll upset you. But, I will tell you the truth, I promise and obviously I speak from my convictions and experience. I do very much admire the work of those assisting others. I don't see myself coming completely in line with pro-life thinking. I just find my passions and convictions are better suited to other causes.
When I was taking speech courses in college, I did learn that you must speak the truth. Lying to people in order to manipulate your audience violates the code you have with them. I'm not saying I know the speaker in question lied to us, but my experience and gut tell me it's highly possible. And I stand by my belief she should have demonstrated compassion towards a woman in her midst who says she's been raped. Just as there are crisi.s pre.gnancy coun.seling cen.ters, there are services available to rape victims that deal with very serious issues. Rape is a crime in this country and I thank God we take it much more seriously here than most other countries. I think the speaker on Sunday should have paid it heed.
Naturally I'm in a position where my main readers are faithful to all Catholic Church teachings and when I challenge that or am sometimes critical, I understand I'll upset you. But, I will tell you the truth, I promise and obviously I speak from my convictions and experience. I do very much admire the work of those assisting others. I don't see myself coming completely in line with pro-life thinking. I just find my passions and convictions are better suited to other causes.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Assault?
I attended a fundraiser yesterday with a very close friend for our local preg.nan.cy counsel.ing ce.nter. I had expected this to be a small gathering but it was very surprised to find out this event was attended by the who's who of Catholic women in our community. There was hardly a parking spot left in the lot. I agreed to attend after my friend invited me several weeks ago. I thought at most this would be an interesting situation where I could ask questions about what the center does. For many years, I've held opinions about centers like these where I perceive the staff have the singular focus of making sure an abortion doesn't happen and paying attention to little else.
At about the mid-point, a very nice looking lady got up to the lectern and delivered a speech. She told a story about one woman who came to their center. According to the lady speaking, this woman was a married mother of two who (and I don't remember where she said this happened) was "assaulted" and got pregnant as a result. The woman's husband was pressuring his wife to get an abortion (this caused a collective gasp in the audience) but after he saw the care and concern from the center's staff, he was so touched, he supported his wife in carrying "her" baby to term. Of course, the family needed supplies and baby c.lothes and the volunteers donated these items to them. And now, there's "a happy baby a part of a happy family" thanks to the support of people like us in the audience. I didn't clap at the conclusion of the speech.
Many things about this story disturbed me and left me believing much of the story is not true. Before the speech, I was talking to one of the lady's at my table and she had volunteered at the center and she talked a bit about her experience. She said there were so many different stories of teenagers, married women, married women having affairs.... So, when the story about the "assault" came along, the lack of words in the speech like "police," "conviction," "prison," and even the main word English speakers use, "rape," made me think that an affair might be the real cause of the pregnancy.
But even if the story were true in that regard, I'm deeply offended that the speaker chose a story of rape to illustrate just how easy it is to talk a woman out of abortion. In fact, the speaker never said the woman considered abortion, just that she came to the center to talk about her situation. Give me a break! Rape is a horrific crime that can cause untold psychological damage to the victim. And not a word in the speech demonstrating sympathy that the crime had occurred. It was just about saving the baby.
The story confirmed my long held fears about pro.-life activists, it's not about compassion for the suffering of women. It's not about looking honestly at the situations of a person's life that gets them to the point of calling or going to the center. It's just about making sure that baby is born. My fervent hope is that there would be even the slightest bit of depth to the work. Sure, prevent that abortion, but don't thrown the woman out with the proverbial bath water. Don't call what is rape, assault. Don't minimize violence against women. It happens every day all over our world. Pay respect and work for the common good and don't whitewash it.
At about the mid-point, a very nice looking lady got up to the lectern and delivered a speech. She told a story about one woman who came to their center. According to the lady speaking, this woman was a married mother of two who (and I don't remember where she said this happened) was "assaulted" and got pregnant as a result. The woman's husband was pressuring his wife to get an abortion (this caused a collective gasp in the audience) but after he saw the care and concern from the center's staff, he was so touched, he supported his wife in carrying "her" baby to term. Of course, the family needed supplies and baby c.lothes and the volunteers donated these items to them. And now, there's "a happy baby a part of a happy family" thanks to the support of people like us in the audience. I didn't clap at the conclusion of the speech.
Many things about this story disturbed me and left me believing much of the story is not true. Before the speech, I was talking to one of the lady's at my table and she had volunteered at the center and she talked a bit about her experience. She said there were so many different stories of teenagers, married women, married women having affairs.... So, when the story about the "assault" came along, the lack of words in the speech like "police," "conviction," "prison," and even the main word English speakers use, "rape," made me think that an affair might be the real cause of the pregnancy.
But even if the story were true in that regard, I'm deeply offended that the speaker chose a story of rape to illustrate just how easy it is to talk a woman out of abortion. In fact, the speaker never said the woman considered abortion, just that she came to the center to talk about her situation. Give me a break! Rape is a horrific crime that can cause untold psychological damage to the victim. And not a word in the speech demonstrating sympathy that the crime had occurred. It was just about saving the baby.
The story confirmed my long held fears about pro.-life activists, it's not about compassion for the suffering of women. It's not about looking honestly at the situations of a person's life that gets them to the point of calling or going to the center. It's just about making sure that baby is born. My fervent hope is that there would be even the slightest bit of depth to the work. Sure, prevent that abortion, but don't thrown the woman out with the proverbial bath water. Don't call what is rape, assault. Don't minimize violence against women. It happens every day all over our world. Pay respect and work for the common good and don't whitewash it.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Say Something
That's the title of one of my favorite songs by James. And it seemed appropriate now. I do have a lot to say and I write a bunch of blog posts in my head, but I can't seem to write them out. I'm very busy at work. Now with my new duties in my new division I have things that have to get done every week. Some work is now procedural based and almost always before I did project based work that had deadlines long out into the future. Deadlines are now today or else. It's good, I'm happy being almost always on the edge of panic.
Now that I've sworn off further infertility treatments, I'm comfortable transitioning my blog to something other than "I'm bound and determined to do everything allowed by the Catholic Church to get pregnant." I do feel it's important to be the voice in this community that says "I've drawn the line." It's partly my personality, partly my faith, partly my own reasoning that says it's really up to God at this point. I'm comfortable with my relationship with the Lord (at least in that small part) and I think it's better I focus my faith externally for this season in my life.
So, I hope I have some more time in the coming days to reflect on some other things I find interesting (and hopefully you will, too).
Now that I've sworn off further infertility treatments, I'm comfortable transitioning my blog to something other than "I'm bound and determined to do everything allowed by the Catholic Church to get pregnant." I do feel it's important to be the voice in this community that says "I've drawn the line." It's partly my personality, partly my faith, partly my own reasoning that says it's really up to God at this point. I'm comfortable with my relationship with the Lord (at least in that small part) and I think it's better I focus my faith externally for this season in my life.
So, I hope I have some more time in the coming days to reflect on some other things I find interesting (and hopefully you will, too).
Friday, February 18, 2011
The High Road is Hard to Find
An update on the healing Mass: it was very special. I'd never been but had heard about the prayer group and the charismatic folks at our parish. The sermon was an amazing message with the priest having us repeat the prayer, "Lord, forgive my past, bless my present, and direct my future." He also talked about how for those of us who are suffering that there's a time when what the doctors can do, ends. And that's when Jesus comes in and does His Holy Work. I didn't stay for the anointing because it was getting late but did get the Eucharist. My faith is really renewed and I know that God is walking with me and blessings will happen in His time, not mine and not ours.
We spent the last couple days at Di.sney.land. Yesterday was filled with very rich, amazing food. I felt very guilty for indulging. We walked around and noticed lots of children. Walking amongst the very fertile as a subfertile is quite daunting but what was I supposed to expect given that Dis.ne.yland is for kids!
My tablet arrived yesterday and I'm giddy with excitement. It's so cool.
We spent the last couple days at Di.sney.land. Yesterday was filled with very rich, amazing food. I felt very guilty for indulging. We walked around and noticed lots of children. Walking amongst the very fertile as a subfertile is quite daunting but what was I supposed to expect given that Dis.ne.yland is for kids!
My tablet arrived yesterday and I'm giddy with excitement. It's so cool.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Healing Mass
I'm planning on attending a healing Mass tonight. Has anyone else attended something like this? Any advice you can give me?
Monday, February 14, 2011
Report Details Sabotage of Birth Control
Report Details Sabotage of Birth Control
By RONI CARYN RABIN
Published: February 15, 2011
Men who abuse women physically and emotionally may also sabotage their partners’ birth control, pressuring them to become pregnant against their will, new reports suggest.
Several small studies have described this kind of coercion among low-income teenagers and young adults with a history of violence by intimate partners. Now, a report being released Tuesday by the federally financed National Domestic Violence Hotline says 1 in 4 women who agreed to answer questions after calling the hot line said a partner had pressured them to become pregnant, told them not to use contraceptives, or forced them to have unprotected sex.
The report was based on answers from more than 3,000 women, but it was not a research study, those involved said.
“It was very eye-opening,” said Lisa James, director of health at the Family Violence Prevention Fund in San Francisco, which worked with the hot line on the report. “There were stories about men refusing to wear a condom, forcing sex without a condom, poking holes in condoms, flushing birth control pills down the toilet.
“There were lots of stories about hiding the birth control pills — that she kept ‘losing’ her birth control pills, until she realized that he was hiding them,” Ms. James added.
One respondent described having to hide in the bathroom to take her pill. Another said that when she got her period recently, her partner was “furious.”
The hot line’s report did not include a comparison group and did not gather information about the participants, who were questioned anonymously; nor was it published in a peer-reviewed journal. It was based on answers to four questions posed to 3,169 women around the country who contacted the domestic violence hot line between Aug. 16 and Sept. 26, 2010, who were not in immediate danger and who agreed to participate. About 6,800 callers refused to answer the questions.
Of those who did respond, about a quarter said yes to one or more of these three questions: “Has your partner or ex ever told you not to use any birth control?” “Has your partner or ex-partner ever tried to force or pressure you to become pregnant?” “Has your partner or ex ever made you have sex without a condom so that you would get pregnant?”
One in six answered yes to the question “Has your partner or ex-partner ever taken off the condom during sex so that you would get pregnant?”
The questions were devised by Dr. Elizabeth Miller, an assistant professor of pediatrics at the School of Medicine at the University of California, Davis, whose earlier papers on reproductive coercion prompted interest in the subject.
“It’s really important to recognize reproductive coercion as another mechanism for control in an unhealthy relationship,” Dr. Miller said. At the same time, she added, younger women and girls dating older men may be confused by the pressure to become pregnant.
“If you can put yourself in the shoes of a 15-year-old dating an 18- or 19-year-old man, which is not an unusual scenario, and he says to her, ‘We’re going to make beautiful babies together,’ that’s pretty seductive.”
But Dr. Miller said more research was needed to understand the men’s motivations.
“One of the things that comes up a lot is: What are the guys thinking?” she said, adding that her own research suggested some answers.
“Some have an intense desire for a nuclear family, and many who had experiences of a dysfunctional family home want something better,” she said. Some young men, she said, “want to leave a legacy, and say, ‘I’m not sure how long I’m going to be around.’ Gang-affiliated young men want the status that comes with having babies from multiple women.”
Dr. Miller’s paper, published last year in the journal Contraception, reported that at five family planning clinics in Northern California, one-third of 683 female patients whose partners were physically abusive said the men had also pressured them to become pregnant or had sabotaged their birth control. Of 191 women who reported birth control sabotage, 79 percent also reported physical abuse, the study found.
The associations help explain why young victims of violence by intimate partners are at an increased risk for unplanned pregnancies and for sexually transmitted diseases.
Ms. James, of the Family Violence Prevention Fund, said that despite the new attention to reproductive coercion, she doubted it was a new phenomenon.
“I just think not enough people have been asking the question,” she said.
Valentine's Day
Happy Valentine's Day! The hubby and I decided to celebrate on Saturday given tonight might be too hectic to go out to dinner. We ended up at our favorite sushi place. Guess who was there.... If you guessed Dr. Douche, you'd be right. He was still wearing scrubs from doing whatever it is he does. God strike me dead if he ever delivered a child of mine. We were seated in the adjacent booth but that seemed to be OK, he just neglected to say goodbye when he and his female companion left. Other than that, it was a great date.
I'm getting better at embracing childlessness. I don't let the angst of disappointment and a desire for motherhood to do a job on my mood. We have a cross country ski trip scheduled for March and we're enjoying the freedom to do what we want. I'm already cooking some ideas about having a romantic weekend by the beach on Mother's Day.
All this positivity on my part is strange in that my husband is more sympathetic than ever to my infertility. In bed this weekend, he said he was sorry that I couldn't get pregnant. I told him I appreciated his sympathy but that I was doing OK. It's a good feeling to know you tried everything you could to solve a problem but some problems are unsolvable.
I'm getting better at embracing childlessness. I don't let the angst of disappointment and a desire for motherhood to do a job on my mood. We have a cross country ski trip scheduled for March and we're enjoying the freedom to do what we want. I'm already cooking some ideas about having a romantic weekend by the beach on Mother's Day.
All this positivity on my part is strange in that my husband is more sympathetic than ever to my infertility. In bed this weekend, he said he was sorry that I couldn't get pregnant. I told him I appreciated his sympathy but that I was doing OK. It's a good feeling to know you tried everything you could to solve a problem but some problems are unsolvable.
Friday, February 11, 2011
Going tech
I've been thinking about getting a new cell phone the last few months and was planning on buying a Dr.oid X, but I turned a corner after some research. My issue is that I love surfing the Web on my phone when I'm in boring situations. And, because of my line of work, boring situations abound pretty much weekly. So, I used my Blac.kberry to read lengthy news articles and browse when trying to find some random fact whilst on road trips. But, the screen is just too dang small and I got annoyed when having to scroll to read tiny text on sites not compatible with mobile devices.
A bunch of people have iP.ads and I gave up a long time ago trying to keep up with Appl.e's gimmicks. You know, buy the super cool thing now only to have a new version come out five months later. Instant lost investment. I still have my working iP.od from six years ago. I wanted a big screen that made reading comfortable but mini laptops seemed unnecessary and the iP.ad looked really bulky. The people I know carry it around it their leather flap case and dramatically scroll through who knows what on the massive screen. It also looked heavy and attracted too much attention. So, after using my handy online consu.mer repor.ts subscription, I found the Sam.sung Gal.axy Ta.b.
Sure, people knock the Tab as being too small with a seven inch screen, but small is good here. I can hold it in one hand and reading should be really convenient. I ordered it through Cos.tco so the price was $100 less than what Veri.zon is selling it for so I think it was a good deal. Now, I just have to downgrade my cell phone to something that's just a phone, no email, web, etc. since I'm getting that with the Tab.
So, I'm excited to get it delivered early next week.
A bunch of people have iP.ads and I gave up a long time ago trying to keep up with Appl.e's gimmicks. You know, buy the super cool thing now only to have a new version come out five months later. Instant lost investment. I still have my working iP.od from six years ago. I wanted a big screen that made reading comfortable but mini laptops seemed unnecessary and the iP.ad looked really bulky. The people I know carry it around it their leather flap case and dramatically scroll through who knows what on the massive screen. It also looked heavy and attracted too much attention. So, after using my handy online consu.mer repor.ts subscription, I found the Sam.sung Gal.axy Ta.b.
Sure, people knock the Tab as being too small with a seven inch screen, but small is good here. I can hold it in one hand and reading should be really convenient. I ordered it through Cos.tco so the price was $100 less than what Veri.zon is selling it for so I think it was a good deal. Now, I just have to downgrade my cell phone to something that's just a phone, no email, web, etc. since I'm getting that with the Tab.
So, I'm excited to get it delivered early next week.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Break on Wednesday
It's so nice to take a random Wednesday off work. We left early yesterday to watch friends of ours compete in a motor race. And we got home by 1:30pm so instead of going back to work (well, I did reply to a few work related emails) I cleaned up around the house and baked cupcakes. I went for a cake mix this time as I was shaken by the poor taste of my last made-from-scratch chocolate cake. At least the frosting this time was from scratch.
A true test of priorities for sanity came yesterday. I have a lingering ye.ast in.fection (damn you, Biaxin) so even though I'm in the potential ovulation time zone (although five days of Clomid finally killed my CM even though I'm taking Ferti.le C.M) I decided to treat the infection rather than hold out hope for BDing. My husband made a funny joke about switching priorities in that department if you get my drift. It feels good to not try this month and I don't really feel bad about ditching any opportunities Clomid might have created.
A true test of priorities for sanity came yesterday. I have a lingering ye.ast in.fection (damn you, Biaxin) so even though I'm in the potential ovulation time zone (although five days of Clomid finally killed my CM even though I'm taking Ferti.le C.M) I decided to treat the infection rather than hold out hope for BDing. My husband made a funny joke about switching priorities in that department if you get my drift. It feels good to not try this month and I don't really feel bad about ditching any opportunities Clomid might have created.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Mincing words
I do very much appreciate your compassion towards my experience with clomid this last go around. However, I shouldn't lead you to believe that I was having "just a bad reaction." It was as close to an experience with ps.ych.osis as I'd ever seen. And I can't have that in my life. And I'm not willing to trade my sanity for fertility because that's exactly what it is. I've often counselled my friends against getting psychia.tric drug.s from internists. Mood and hormone altering drugs can cause serious emotional side effects that I don't think general practitioners are equipped to address it. I believe people who needs those kinds of pharmaceuticals need doctors who know the drugs and are very familiar with drug combinations.
We all put some sort of limits on infertility testing and treatment. I'm one that will be pulling the plug much sooner than others. I did all I could do to find the cause, and I will not push my body to do things it doesn't want to do. This is not the story of my life; it's not a saga.
We all put some sort of limits on infertility testing and treatment. I'm one that will be pulling the plug much sooner than others. I did all I could do to find the cause, and I will not push my body to do things it doesn't want to do. This is not the story of my life; it's not a saga.
Friday, February 4, 2011
For the record
I hate to disappoint but I'm writing this more out of a need to record to remember what my last cycle on Clomid felt like. For the first four days, I was elated. Truly happy and was jumping around and feeling super grateful. Perhaps that was a manic phase. Then on day five of the Clomid, something snapped. I went from happy and content to a very bad place in about two minutes. Too bad my husband was around to witness it. He kept telling me it was the drug that was making me act like that but I told him that was not true. I may have had some good reasons to be angry or hurt, but expressing it in the way I did was very bad.
I suppose I have no one to blame but myself (especially since I went to five days from three without consulting the doctor) but I feel resentful that I was prescribed a drug that I might not have needed. It was more for convenience, I believe. Mine or hers or both. So, I'm happy to be back to feeling normal but left with great remorse over what I did.
So, me and Clomid are over. Finito. My constitution and drugs are not a good match. I can't do it, fertility drugs are not for me. I guess that will save me money at the very least and at the most, help me to not be a friggin' jerk.
I suppose I have no one to blame but myself (especially since I went to five days from three without consulting the doctor) but I feel resentful that I was prescribed a drug that I might not have needed. It was more for convenience, I believe. Mine or hers or both. So, I'm happy to be back to feeling normal but left with great remorse over what I did.
So, me and Clomid are over. Finito. My constitution and drugs are not a good match. I can't do it, fertility drugs are not for me. I guess that will save me money at the very least and at the most, help me to not be a friggin' jerk.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Very Confused
Last night I had a tiny bit of 10KL. And it was only CD6. I just discovered I have crazy, crazy amounts of 10KL and it's only CD7. I just finished (three days ago) 21 days of Biaxin, I'm on day 5 of Clomid, and I've been taking Fertile CM three times a day since Sunday. I have never, not ever in the last three years of using NFP, had 10KL (copious amounts) this early in my cycle. I was going to suggest lovemaking to my stud at home later today but now it looks like a must. Maybe I should use one of my OPKs tonight?
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Hot
I really don't know what it is, really but I've been practically giddy in love for the last three days. It happened to coincide with the beginning of Clomid this cycle and my husband returning home after three nights away. Perhaps he should leave more often if getting back to one another is much friggin' fun! It's been an absolute cuddle-fest (and other stuff) in my house. Loves it.
However, today is CD 6 and I think I'm having Clomid hot flashes. Has anyone had those? I was giving a presentation at work today and feel my whole face flush and I started to sweat on my face. I'm just hot, hot, hot.
However, today is CD 6 and I think I'm having Clomid hot flashes. Has anyone had those? I was giving a presentation at work today and feel my whole face flush and I started to sweat on my face. I'm just hot, hot, hot.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)