Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Divorced (NOT marriage related)

Although much has occurred in in the last several weeks and I would love to wax philosophical about it, it's more important to me to keep my blog posts short.  Yes, I've been away and I appreciate you still reading.  Work has been complicated and October seems to be the month of birthdays and anniversaries in our families.  I feel pulled in a million different directions.  Before I would make lots of time for the blog community and obsessively check everyone's blogs and figure out how their cycle issues might relate to mine (but I never had cycle issues so that was interesting.)  I was on an all out fact finding mission and I found it so helpful to hear how other Catholic women were dealing with the curse (I use that word lightly) of infertility.  I love(d) hearing about adoption success and pray every infertile family out there got the things they need.

This is selfish, but now I feel divorced.  I might feel reengaged later but now I definitely feel divorced.  The laparoscopy with Dr. Stig.en is next Wednesday and I'm dreading it like the plague.  I thought about cancelling it, accepting my fate.  I'm not one to go to the ends of the earth to get pregnant at any cost.  At least with the other two surgeries I've had, one was to free me from discomfort and the other to improve my appearance.  With the lap, I'm far from excited about going under "just to see what's there."  Dr. Sti.gen has backed off predicting endometriosis.

The surgery is post-ovulation and I was told to not try and get pregnant this month (as if that would happen.)  However, we haven't altered our love making schedule and I head to surgery day with the knowledge that if I were miraculously pregnant, the urine test wouldn't be able to pick it up.

I know others are feeling like they are the only one still not able to have a baby in an online community that is having great success in that department.  I feel that way.  I might be able to chalk this up to late fall/winter blues when spring comes around again.      

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