Sequestered

I appear to have hit the glass ceiling.  I really avoid addressing my work situation here but I'm frustrated out of my gourd.  I was convinced from any early age I could reach the highest levels in my chosen career.  My projects have always been critical to the financial success of my company, I chose tasks which afforded increasing levels of responsibility.  I believe I'm very good at what I do.

It started a few months ago when I was told I had a conflict of interest and I was being taken off one of my biggest clients.  That big client is my husband's company.  This situation had not presented a problem in the past and I'm positive I could have represented my company's interests as I always had.  It was not to be by the powers that be and the bad news was delivered as I traveled to a meeting at said husband's company.  Through text message, the vice president told me to go back to my office.  To say I was pissed is an understatement.

And today, just as another project (x) was getting really good, I was taken off.  I was told by the CEO this time that I was not to communicate with the staff and all inquiries or contact by them should be referred to the CEO's office.  And this was one hour before a meeting regarding project x started.  Several people knew I was coming to that meeting; I called them this morning to tell them that.

After the meeting started, 2 people called me saying, "Where are you?"  "I'm in my office." "Why?"

I played coy saying I was told not to go.  Who told me not to go?  I told them I didn't know.  Lie.

It's nice to be remind in the 21st century that as a woman, you're not the "go to" person.

Divorced (NOT marriage related)

Although much has occurred in in the last several weeks and I would love to wax philosophical about it, it's more important to me to keep my blog posts short.  Yes, I've been away and I appreciate you still reading.  Work has been complicated and October seems to be the month of birthdays and anniversaries in our families.  I feel pulled in a million different directions.  Before I would make lots of time for the blog community and obsessively check everyone's blogs and figure out how their cycle issues might relate to mine (but I never had cycle issues so that was interesting.)  I was on an all out fact finding mission and I found it so helpful to hear how other Catholic women were dealing with the curse (I use that word lightly) of infertility.  I love(d) hearing about adoption success and pray every infertile family out there got the things they need.

This is selfish, but now I feel divorced.  I might feel reengaged later but now I definitely feel divorced.  The laparoscopy with Dr. Stig.en is next Wednesday and I'm dreading it like the plague.  I thought about cancelling it, accepting my fate.  I'm not one to go to the ends of the earth to get pregnant at any cost.  At least with the other two surgeries I've had, one was to free me from discomfort and the other to improve my appearance.  With the lap, I'm far from excited about going under "just to see what's there."  Dr. Sti.gen has backed off predicting endometriosis.

The surgery is post-ovulation and I was told to not try and get pregnant this month (as if that would happen.)  However, we haven't altered our love making schedule and I head to surgery day with the knowledge that if I were miraculously pregnant, the urine test wouldn't be able to pick it up.

I know others are feeling like they are the only one still not able to have a baby in an online community that is having great success in that department.  I feel that way.  I might be able to chalk this up to late fall/winter blues when spring comes around again.      

Unrelated news

I had a bunch of eloquent, romantic musings about my husband and our anniversary but I can't remember most of them at this point.  Suffice to say, we had a wonderful night with a delicious dinner that was super cheap (final bill = $33), and we both had a drink.  We made love and slept in each others' arms listening to the thunderstorms.  Romantic!!!

At Mass, the priest asked us to come to the altar and stand facing the congregation for a blessing.  The words he spoke were really touching and it meant a lot to me (and I think to my husband, as well although he was embarrassed by the thought of standing there) to have our marriage reaffirmed before the church family.  They extended their hands toward us and we held hands while they priest asked God to bless us with new life and to bring healing to our bodies as God is the Great Physician.  I think it was a discrete and tasteful way to address the infertility issue.  We were smacked with holy water and many people passed on their well wishes when the Mass ended.  Really lovely.  I love being married.  It's a commitment we make not just to ourselves but to the larger faith community and society; that's a big responsibility but that makes me work harder for our success.

On to the unrelated news.  I found a great deal on some red wedge shoes on the web.  The original price was $255 but on sale for $85.  I ordered my regular size which lately has not worked out for me.  At this point I should be remeasured but the last four pairs I've ordered online have not fit very well.  For the red wedge shoes, I desperately tried to get them to fit, I added some back of the heel padding to try to make the shoes not slip off my heel when I walked, I put in some ball of the foot padding.  They still slipped off my feet.  I wore them this weekend to the baby shower which did put a tiny, tiny bit of wear on the bottom of the shoes. This company has a return policy that says items should be unworn, unaltered, and unwashed.

They did have the next half size down available so I called to exchange it.  I really, really wanted to be honest with the customer service lady and say I did wear them out of the house oh so briefly but they are worn.  I didn't want them to reject the shoes when I shipped them back.  Well, her voice on the phone gave me the impression she wasn't going to be lenient with me so I ended up not saying anything.  I do feel guilty and also nervous that they might tell me they'll charge me for the shoes and not credit me.  I guess I'll found out next week when this shakes out.

Let me be weak, let me sleep, and dream of sheep

At least I can attribute my sad moods to PMS.  God did me a huge favor by having my period start today instead of during one of the seven events I have this weekend.  Starting it during the baby shower would just have been cruel.  However, starting it today lightens the mood.

I want to give all glory to God for putting this group of women of faith together to support one another through these major life events.  I don't know where I would be without this community that I discovered one day in 2009 by Goo.gling "tail end brown bleeding."  It's very interesting how it came to this for me.

We've got an appointment today with the priest presiding over the mass with my "infer.tile co.uples" intention this Sunday.  I want him to have an understanding of who the request was coming from and give it some context and meaning for him.  This is a good priest so he should do great.

Despite the fact that I really wanted to pack my bags and stay at the beach for five days, I'm at work and trying to make the best of things.  This too shall pass.

 

Too much

There's too much going on this week.  I can't possibly list all the things that are happening in both my professional and personal lives.

I drove to see Dr. Liz this morning.  I sat in bumper-to-bumper traffic for two and a half f*cking hours only to go 30 miles.  I want(ed) to kill a small animal and I'm an animal rights activist.  This is how aggravated I feel.  Dr. Liz and I really didn't connect on the issue at hand or the infertility thing.  She wondered why she didn't receive a copy of the HSG results.  Um, that's because you're not the infertility specialist, Liz!  She asked me if I am taking any fertility drugs.  I told her my hormone tests were normal so no need for ovulation-induction drugs.  She said her "gut feeling" is that the mass in my breast is just breast tissue and that an ultrasound "would not show the things we want to see" so I have an order for a mammogram which my local place doesn't do and I'm too shaky from this morning's drive to consider going back there for the mammogram.

She asked me if I'd ever had an x-ray done before.  I asked if she meant an x-ray of my breasts?  No, she meant any x-ray of any kind.  What planet am I on?  This woman has been caring for me for ten years!!!  Have I ever had an x-ray before?  Yes, on my jaw, teeth, chest, pelvis (she knew I had a HSG!)  We were not getting along today.

I'm willing to accept doing the mammogram instead of the ultrasound (only after researching the difference) but I think she could have done a much better job at explaining why the mammogram is better.  I am pissed off that I'm a medical test zone.  Dr. Liz's receptionist had some parting words for me, "Well, you look great!"  If that counted for something.      

Unlucky or God thinks I can handle all this strife

This is probably a good time to tell the "What Happened When I Found Out I Had An Abnormal Pap Result."  I was at work on a Tuesday or Wednesday.  I had just thrown my husband a huge birthday party and it was a total success.  Days before we had just celebrated our first wedding anniversary.  Things were good.  We were going to start TTC, and I was so excited.  My annual exam had been almost four weeks before the phone call from Dr. Elizabeth.

So, she called my cell phone.  I was sitting in my office.  "We got your pap results back and there's an abnormal reading," Dr. Liz said, "You're going to need to see a gynecologist for this since this is beyond my expertise.  This is nothing to panic over."

I think it was the "this is nothing to panic over" that set me off.  For the next four days, I sobbed at the dinner table at home crying to my husband, "I have cancer!!!!!!"  "You don't have cancer," my husband said.  "You're overreacting."

This was when I found Dr. DoucheBag and he reassured me that the odds of having cervical cancer were virtually nothing given my long history of normal pap results.  He was pretty nonchalant about the whole thing but fairly professional in his treatment, I have to say.  I had a colposcopy which was not painful and I went back to work.  It was sent off for a biopsy and it came back with I think, CIN II/III.  I don't have the records on me so I might revise that tonight.  Dr. Douche told me about my treatment options and we went for the cryosurgery.  That lasted barely a minute and I was on my way.

So the outcome of my diagnosis did not justify my reaction to it.

That gets me to present day.  I rarely do bre.ast self-exa.ms.  Even though my father's mother died of breast cancer, I've taken a rather apathetic attitude towards self-exams.  I'm young, my breasts are ridiculously small.  Excuses.  So I end up doing the palpation thing maybe every two-three months.  And Dr. Liz does them once a year at my annual appointment.

I got a cold in New York and have felt blah ever since.  Last night, my husband was working outside the house and I laid on the bed to rest.  I don't know why I was inspired to feel myself up but I felt a very large solid mass in my right breast.  When my husband came into the bedroom, I asked him to feel it.  It didn't take him more than a second to say, "yeah, I feel it."  Then I looked down and my right breast is noticeably larger than the left, like the mass is filling out my right breast.

I decided not to panic.  I asked my husband not to talk about it since we won't know anything about my current affliction until I see Dr. Liz whom I left a message for to make an appointment this week.  It's likely nothing.  However, I'm tempted to get very annoyed at the fact that major issues crop up in my life at wedding anniversary time.  I guess God has a lot of faith in me!

Sh*t on TV

From Awaiting a Child of God, I learned about Dr. Hilgers's appearance on EWTN.  His interview starts at about 23:30.  The interviewer mentioned a piece on Ortho Evra on the Today Show this week.  Cut to the chase, that birth control patch has caused blood clots in women and killed at least several of them.  The report was good but the end conversation between the Today reporter and Matt Lauer shocked me.

Jeff Rossen - "Experts say you should never stop using birth control, Matt including the patch even after everything you saw until you speak with your doctor."

Matt Lauer - [Nodding feverishly] "Yeah, that's important information, no question."

Rossen - "Very important."

I guess risking getting pregnant is a million times worse than taking a chance with Ortho Evra.  Only in America.

It's Friday!!!

 Woo hoo!  It's Friday and NYC is almost upon us.  I am so excited, and I just can't hide it.

1. I left work a little early yesterday to go riding with my husband.  He took the lead on his bike and I rode my own behind.  I was kind of nervous to be out in traffic, albeit light given we were headed to country roads.  I didn't fall, didn't panic, and had a great time.  
2. My husband normally doesn't like the movies that I love but ladies, he's hooked on Anne of Green Gables!  And Anne of Avonlea.  He insisted we finish the whole Avonlea series last night.  The look on his face was just so precious when Anne would get herself into trouble.  He looked like he loved her. ;)  Afterwards, he said how much he liked the series and he was glad I introduced him to it.  Score!
3. We trying to pack very light for the New York trip.  We'll see how that goes.  We already have a dinner date with friends from here who will also be in NYC at the same time.  Fantastic!
4. The amount of freedom I've been given to write my own ticket at work is pretty amazing.  My current boss put up no fight whatsoever on the transfer.  Praise be.
5. I went to the optometrist at lunch to order some new eyeglasses.  My last pair I bought ten years ago.  I think it's time for a new pair.  The glasses tech said the adult sizes were too big for me so I got streered into the teen section.  I'm not totally embarrassed to say I ordered a Ca.ndies lens by Britn.ey Sp.ears.  
6. Not charting has reduced my day to day thoughts on my infertility to almost nothing.
7. I can't wait to take great pictures in New York.  It's gonna be great.  If I don't blog until after we return, have a great week!