Wow, everything's gone to hell and a hand basket. I don't know anybody who had a good weekend. If you didn't experience the insomnia of endlessly thinking about screaming, terrified children being murdered, there's definitely something wrong with you. I'm a proponent of gun ownership but I'm totally behind practical, real ways to get guns out of the hands of evil people who want to terrorize our population, local and global.
I got my period yesterday and although, let me be honest, I prayed not to be pregnant, and I'm happy I'm not, I'm still totally amazed that we can have awesome sex multiple times during the "fertile" time and never a blip in my scheduled period. Incredible. We're both technically fertile but overwhelmingly not so. The reason I prayed so fervently is that the travel insurance I bought for our trip to Africa next year didn't include a pregnancy clause. Only a pregnancy complication clause. And of course, living solo doesn't make me a great candidate for motherhood.
Speaking of that, good news! My husband got a call today from the "local (hey, where I am) company he applied for and almost got the job but their funding hadn't come through" company and said they want to meet about offering him the job!!!!!!!!! Of course, my husband has salary requirements (who doesn't?) but we are still having a drink this Saturday to celebrate the promising news. We were going to drink anyway since Saturday is the sixth anniversary of our first real date. I call real when he first kissed me. That took work and so I have every right to celebrate my victory in landing this guy!
So, I think ATC and her husband deserve to live together again and if you agree please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, PRAY for us! I'd really like to have him back. That'd be very nice. I always have big things happen to me in January so this feels right.
I kept meaning to write about this but I started running back in August and it felt great until the start of fall but now it feels like maintenance. I can comfortably run a 5K at a nine minute mile pace. I think that's OK. I should have run tonight but I'm on my period, eating nothing but high fat foods, and lots of chocolate so screw it. Screw it for a week or two.
More news to come....
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Every Day Matters
This was a big week for me. On Monday, I went back to a "regular" work schedule, the one where I don't get two days off per month by working an extra hour every day. I had just switched to that schedule in August when my husband left for his new job. I realized working longer hours just for the sake of it (meaning, I didn't have pressing tasks that were keeping me at the office at night) didn't work for me at all. Because that extra hour a day means a great deal to me. I can exercise at a decent hour, eat dinner at the right time, sleep a little longer in the morning. You now know how important sleep is to me.
Besides, if I need a day off to do something special, I'll take a day off. Easy.
Tuesday night, my husband and I wasted over an hour arguing about stupid stuff on the phone. And it was a total waste of time. I've had a lot of "rock bottoms" lately but this one was pretty significant. I felt horrible afterwards. And angry. I journaled in handwriting on paper (really!) about how unhappy I was and how deprived I felt in this marriage. I even spent some amount of time on Wednesday reading an article on my bank website called "Thinking About Calling It Quits With Your Spouse?"
After getting through the article and especially reading some of the comments members had left, I was convinced a marital split would compound my existing problems, not make them any better. So praise God for some of those members who said divorce wasn't worth it and to stick it out. And God turned my heart around on Wednesday. I gave thanks to have a view of marriage that isn't all about me and my fulfillment despite subconscious and cultural beliefs that reinforce that idea. And the pull is strong.
I made a very conscious effort Thursday morning to find ways to cope. Healthy ways to live my life honorably and to do the best I could with the life I'd been given. Yes, this sounds sappy but I can't give a better description. And I'm the first to say that infertility and separation are very hard to cope with. I'm living proof. But, I know that some people at my church are dealing with much harder things. For example, I have a friend whose husband just left her. He lives in the same town and they talk all the time. He doesn't make any move towards divorce but she was left nevertheless. I know this is very painful for her. But she is a faithful woman who spends a lot of time in prayer to give her husband a heart to love Jesus.
And I realized that my choices were for no one else to judge. I'm not living a perceived archetype. My husband went to a Christmas party last night with his parents. He's known this family (the party hosts) for a very long time and ran into one of the sisters he had a big crush on when they were younger. He said she said, "it must be so great to be back with your parents. Your mom must be so happy."
I resolved not to get upset while he told the story. Because I'd done that already and what's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. So, I listened. Then he said he was talking to the matriarch and told her I had applied for a job and got pretty close to getting it but no cigar. She said, "Well, it's important to be near your husband and she might just have to take anything." :)
Ok, so I got a little upset at that. Because my husband, when he was looking for a job, wouldn't accept just anything. He was looking for something that matched his experience, his education, and his ambition. So, what's good for the goose is good for the gander, right? I'm not leaving my job that is going so great and interrupt an upward career trajectory. And that's what we're committed to.
My husband remind me that these people are simple (his word) and none of the women in the family work. So, respecting a career woman is not on their radar. I should mention the Crush said in response to hearing we can't get pregnant, "You can always adopt." So their empathy track record is not so good.
I told my husband that I didn't expect to be counter-culture. I was going to get married, have kids, work, but my husband's job would always be more important, etc. You know, what the culture expects of you. But, now we're working against the system and it takes wisdom (that I don't think I have yet) to live your life and not always argue with the people who want to gossip about you or try to subtly bring you down. This is going to take work.
Besides, if I need a day off to do something special, I'll take a day off. Easy.
Tuesday night, my husband and I wasted over an hour arguing about stupid stuff on the phone. And it was a total waste of time. I've had a lot of "rock bottoms" lately but this one was pretty significant. I felt horrible afterwards. And angry. I journaled in handwriting on paper (really!) about how unhappy I was and how deprived I felt in this marriage. I even spent some amount of time on Wednesday reading an article on my bank website called "Thinking About Calling It Quits With Your Spouse?"
After getting through the article and especially reading some of the comments members had left, I was convinced a marital split would compound my existing problems, not make them any better. So praise God for some of those members who said divorce wasn't worth it and to stick it out. And God turned my heart around on Wednesday. I gave thanks to have a view of marriage that isn't all about me and my fulfillment despite subconscious and cultural beliefs that reinforce that idea. And the pull is strong.
I made a very conscious effort Thursday morning to find ways to cope. Healthy ways to live my life honorably and to do the best I could with the life I'd been given. Yes, this sounds sappy but I can't give a better description. And I'm the first to say that infertility and separation are very hard to cope with. I'm living proof. But, I know that some people at my church are dealing with much harder things. For example, I have a friend whose husband just left her. He lives in the same town and they talk all the time. He doesn't make any move towards divorce but she was left nevertheless. I know this is very painful for her. But she is a faithful woman who spends a lot of time in prayer to give her husband a heart to love Jesus.
And I realized that my choices were for no one else to judge. I'm not living a perceived archetype. My husband went to a Christmas party last night with his parents. He's known this family (the party hosts) for a very long time and ran into one of the sisters he had a big crush on when they were younger. He said she said, "it must be so great to be back with your parents. Your mom must be so happy."
I resolved not to get upset while he told the story. Because I'd done that already and what's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. So, I listened. Then he said he was talking to the matriarch and told her I had applied for a job and got pretty close to getting it but no cigar. She said, "Well, it's important to be near your husband and she might just have to take anything." :)
Ok, so I got a little upset at that. Because my husband, when he was looking for a job, wouldn't accept just anything. He was looking for something that matched his experience, his education, and his ambition. So, what's good for the goose is good for the gander, right? I'm not leaving my job that is going so great and interrupt an upward career trajectory. And that's what we're committed to.
My husband remind me that these people are simple (his word) and none of the women in the family work. So, respecting a career woman is not on their radar. I should mention the Crush said in response to hearing we can't get pregnant, "You can always adopt." So their empathy track record is not so good.
I told my husband that I didn't expect to be counter-culture. I was going to get married, have kids, work, but my husband's job would always be more important, etc. You know, what the culture expects of you. But, now we're working against the system and it takes wisdom (that I don't think I have yet) to live your life and not always argue with the people who want to gossip about you or try to subtly bring you down. This is going to take work.
Friday, November 30, 2012
Compromise
After days of arguing discussing, we arrived at a decision. Because my husband will not entertain a cleaning lady, moving into an apartment, talking about privacy needs and boundaries with his parents, he said he will come home every weekend. "That way, I won't have to hear you bitch at me the whole time you're up here." I sound bitter but I'm not. I'm actually quite happy today. I consider that progress. I'm planning on making lasagna and a vanilla cheesecake this weekend. The weather here promises to be dreary.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Reflecting on family
Why is it when something bad happens, all the bad, painful memories crop up? Anyway, I'm sorry I neglected to tell my faithful readers that I didn't get that job. I found out a couple of weeks ago. He said somebody had more experience than me which I absolutely don't believe. But, that attitude will take me nowhere. :) Life goes on, I guess.
I wish I was one of those Catholic bloggers with the perfect attitudes and ever cheerful posts. But I'm thankful (see, I can do it too) my relative anonymity gives me more freedom to talk honestly. Not that the cheerful bloggers aren't honest, of course. They're just more perfect than me.
That said, I struggle against playing my type. If I'm paranoid to any degree I tend to believe everybody who knows us is waiting for me to crack. "Oh yeah, he shouldn't have married someone so much younger." "Yeah, she's too ambitious." "Give it a few years, she'll mess around." I don't so my struggle with my own feelings as I wrestle with what other people think about me and what I'll do. But, my mother said not to worry, nobody's thinking about me. ;) She told me that as a teenager, I think, to make me not worry about maintaining a good reputation? I don't know. My mother says some very wise things and also some very dumb things. I guess everybody's capable of that.
I'm beating around the bush, yes!
To follow up on the comments on the last post.... My husband's family is just very different from my own. My FIL's age is just shy of what my own grandfather's would be if he were still alive. It's a generational problem. It's a cultural problem. Even though we're all from California, they identify themselves as still part of a culture that keep family close. I'm from one who considers the individual more important than the family. We prize fierce Independence. Not to say we don't love our family. We do.
There's a really interesting piece in the NY Times today. It's about a mother who worries about her adult children. Enlightening to say the least. It helped me figure out why my husband's situation with his parents bothers me so much. It's the lack of privacy I so cherish. I view my marriage as creating a separate family. We are separate from my family and his family.
But that's not the case anymore. He lives what he views as not with his parents but he's a stone's throw away. That's too close for me. The asking about sleep from my FIL was an invasion of privacy. The best thing my in-laws can do is kick my husband out of the house. But should I ask them to do that? F*ck. This situation is totally screwed.
I wish I was one of those Catholic bloggers with the perfect attitudes and ever cheerful posts. But I'm thankful (see, I can do it too) my relative anonymity gives me more freedom to talk honestly. Not that the cheerful bloggers aren't honest, of course. They're just more perfect than me.
That said, I struggle against playing my type. If I'm paranoid to any degree I tend to believe everybody who knows us is waiting for me to crack. "Oh yeah, he shouldn't have married someone so much younger." "Yeah, she's too ambitious." "Give it a few years, she'll mess around." I don't so my struggle with my own feelings as I wrestle with what other people think about me and what I'll do. But, my mother said not to worry, nobody's thinking about me. ;) She told me that as a teenager, I think, to make me not worry about maintaining a good reputation? I don't know. My mother says some very wise things and also some very dumb things. I guess everybody's capable of that.
I'm beating around the bush, yes!
To follow up on the comments on the last post.... My husband's family is just very different from my own. My FIL's age is just shy of what my own grandfather's would be if he were still alive. It's a generational problem. It's a cultural problem. Even though we're all from California, they identify themselves as still part of a culture that keep family close. I'm from one who considers the individual more important than the family. We prize fierce Independence. Not to say we don't love our family. We do.
There's a really interesting piece in the NY Times today. It's about a mother who worries about her adult children. Enlightening to say the least. It helped me figure out why my husband's situation with his parents bothers me so much. It's the lack of privacy I so cherish. I view my marriage as creating a separate family. We are separate from my family and his family.
But that's not the case anymore. He lives what he views as not with his parents but he's a stone's throw away. That's too close for me. The asking about sleep from my FIL was an invasion of privacy. The best thing my in-laws can do is kick my husband out of the house. But should I ask them to do that? F*ck. This situation is totally screwed.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Conflict with the In-Laws
About a week or so before Thanksgiving, my husband informed me that he had invited his parents to stay at our/my house Thanksgiving night. My husband and I were planning on attending my sister's party and my in-laws would be at my husband's aunt's celebration. I was not happy my husband had not consulted me before extending the invitation to his parents. I mean, I look at our house as my house at this point. Shouldn't I be the one doing the inviting since I'm the one doing the hosting?
Cleaning the guest bedroom and bathroom was not exactly taxing. But I take great pride in my skills as a housekeeper and I want my guests to be impressed by the state of things. While I complained to my husband, he told me it was just one day out of the year so I could handle it. That was his dictate to me. I accept these things more often than not.
I made an appetizer and a side dish Thursday morning and to my husband's credit, he helped out a lot with the prep and cleaning the dishes. He, however, found time to head out to his aunt's to shoot the sh*t with his cousins and give his parents a house key. I told him to be back by 12:20 so we could leave our house at 1:00pm. He did.
We got home that night a bit after nine o'clock. I was tired. Since this is my house, I'm the only one that carries a key. My husband does not. I get to the door and it's locked. Like my in-laws thought some bad person would just walk in. I knock. My MIL calls our names out to check our identity. I'm carrying stuff in both hands. Please open the door!!!
My FIL is sitting in my living room, reclining in my chair, reading a National Geographic magazine that I keep on my coffee table. He's made himself right at home. I don't remember either of them asking if we needed help getting stuff out of the car. So, we're all gathering in the kitchen to watch me put containers and unused bottles of wine away. My MIL saw the brand new food processor I bought to make the food I brought for Thanksgiving. She giggles as she asks how I liked using it. (I had never used a food processor before. And I'm 35.) I said the cauliflower smash was delicious and she should try a little bit. I think I just said to taste it. She waves her hand and says she'd already brushed her teeth. I didn't bother to check to oral status of my FIL.
So, I go into my bedroom to change my clothes into my house clothes: a cotton tank top, a long cotton boyfriend cardigan, and velour sweat pants. When I reemerge in the living room, my husband is now in the recliner, and my in-laws are on the couch. My MIL tells me I look more comfortable. She must have meant more physically comfortable because emotionally, I was no where close to being comfortable.
I was putting around the kitchen. My MIL was in the back bedroom. My FIL was asking my husband what time he got home last night (Wednesday.) He asked what time we got up that morning. My husband said we got out of bed around 7:00am but we didn't sleep so well. This set me off. I'm not proud of my reaction but here's what I said to my FIL. "My husband is tired because I woke him up at 3:00am to have sex with him."
I went back to my bedroom for a few minutes and go back out to the living room. I took a seat in the chair opposite my husband. So, it's me on one side and everybody else on the other. They are talking about what they always talk about, other people and commodity prices. They'll sometimes talk about how much they hate Oba.m.a but it didn't come up. I sit quietly because they are talking about people I don't even know and I'm tired of making light fun of them. I've joked in the past that my MIL should write a book about who's fat, gay, and an alcoholic in their town.
The amount of time they spend talking about the personal problems of other people is disturbing. Their favorite topic is what women they know that are now fat. And they have no mercy for their own relatives. My huband's cousin's daughter is a favorite target. I don't know if I ever told the story here but on Easter this year, in line in the family buffet, my FIL came up to me totally unprovoked and said, "Don't eat so much. You'll get fat." You don't say that to people. My sister's a (former) an.orexi.c.
As the time Thursday night approached 10:30 (past my bedtime), my FIL announces that they'll go to bed because I LOOK TIRED. They'll go to bed because I look tired????? What kind of logic is that? They ask what time we get up. I said, "whenever we get up. It might be 7:00, 7:30, 8:00." Who knows?
In the morning, my husband got up about a half-hour before me. So, I got into the kitchen about 7:30. We have no coffee maker because my husband took it with him. And I don't keep anything in the house for breakfast except cereal. My husband asked if they wanted to got out for breakfast. My FIL's reaction? "After yesterday, I'm not hungry at all for breakfast. You're hungry?" Now that was directed at my husband but frankly, I was hungry and not ashamed to admit it.
They were gone by 8:00am. They didn't thank me as they walked out the door. A few hours later, I told me husband that they didn't thank us for staying at our house. He said, "Oh, yeah they did. When I walked them out to their car, they thanked me."
You're probably asking yourself right now (if you've read this far) why I'm so touchy about the subject of sleep. That's because I never was before I got married. I like to sleep between nine to ten hours a night. That's ideal. I can function just fine with less. I prefer not to. If I can get to sleep by 10pm, I will likely sleep until 7:30 or 8:00, depending on the time of sunrise.
My husband hates that. Literally hates it. For the first year of our marriage, he would mercilessly annoy me about my sleep habits. He would wake me up early just to bother me. When we went through Retrouvaille, you work on conflict resolution skills. The topic he picked out of the entire list of problems within a marriage was MY SLEEP HABITS.
And why does he care so much about sleep. Because his parents do. This is an inherited opinion. His parents relate the amount of sleep a person gets per night with their overall personal productivity rate and their moral status. The less you sleep, the better worker you are. I was not raised that way. Nobody in my house growing up cared about how much you slept. And that's because we were all high achieving people (please forgive any spelling errors :)) So, who gives a damn about whether you wake up at 7:00 or 7:00, we all got to school and work on time.
But what this really comes down to, and my husband and I talked about it last night before he left to go back to his parents is this: I don't want my husband living on his parent's property. I didn't want it before he left and I don't want it now. But he tells me he won't do anything else. And why? Because he doesn't want to spend any money he doesn't feel he has to. He believes he can live in the guest house rent free because he worked for his family business for no pay for many years.
I am now intimately tied to a very painful and complicated family problem that is not my own. The ironic thing is that why my husband defended his parents to me the entire holiday weekend, just before he left, he said he would tell his father some day that my husband might not have accomplished as my work as his father but that he had more fun that his father. I told my husband not to sell himself short. He's accomplished a great deal. I asked him if his father is harassing him. He said no. But this statement about speaking truth to the old man came out of nowhere so I suspect something happened.
This situation is not normal. A man should not live three hours from his wife and 100 meters from his parents. I'm not sure how this is going to be resolved or when but it's a doozy.
Cleaning the guest bedroom and bathroom was not exactly taxing. But I take great pride in my skills as a housekeeper and I want my guests to be impressed by the state of things. While I complained to my husband, he told me it was just one day out of the year so I could handle it. That was his dictate to me. I accept these things more often than not.
I made an appetizer and a side dish Thursday morning and to my husband's credit, he helped out a lot with the prep and cleaning the dishes. He, however, found time to head out to his aunt's to shoot the sh*t with his cousins and give his parents a house key. I told him to be back by 12:20 so we could leave our house at 1:00pm. He did.
We got home that night a bit after nine o'clock. I was tired. Since this is my house, I'm the only one that carries a key. My husband does not. I get to the door and it's locked. Like my in-laws thought some bad person would just walk in. I knock. My MIL calls our names out to check our identity. I'm carrying stuff in both hands. Please open the door!!!
My FIL is sitting in my living room, reclining in my chair, reading a National Geographic magazine that I keep on my coffee table. He's made himself right at home. I don't remember either of them asking if we needed help getting stuff out of the car. So, we're all gathering in the kitchen to watch me put containers and unused bottles of wine away. My MIL saw the brand new food processor I bought to make the food I brought for Thanksgiving. She giggles as she asks how I liked using it. (I had never used a food processor before. And I'm 35.) I said the cauliflower smash was delicious and she should try a little bit. I think I just said to taste it. She waves her hand and says she'd already brushed her teeth. I didn't bother to check to oral status of my FIL.
So, I go into my bedroom to change my clothes into my house clothes: a cotton tank top, a long cotton boyfriend cardigan, and velour sweat pants. When I reemerge in the living room, my husband is now in the recliner, and my in-laws are on the couch. My MIL tells me I look more comfortable. She must have meant more physically comfortable because emotionally, I was no where close to being comfortable.
I was putting around the kitchen. My MIL was in the back bedroom. My FIL was asking my husband what time he got home last night (Wednesday.) He asked what time we got up that morning. My husband said we got out of bed around 7:00am but we didn't sleep so well. This set me off. I'm not proud of my reaction but here's what I said to my FIL. "My husband is tired because I woke him up at 3:00am to have sex with him."
I went back to my bedroom for a few minutes and go back out to the living room. I took a seat in the chair opposite my husband. So, it's me on one side and everybody else on the other. They are talking about what they always talk about, other people and commodity prices. They'll sometimes talk about how much they hate Oba.m.a but it didn't come up. I sit quietly because they are talking about people I don't even know and I'm tired of making light fun of them. I've joked in the past that my MIL should write a book about who's fat, gay, and an alcoholic in their town.
The amount of time they spend talking about the personal problems of other people is disturbing. Their favorite topic is what women they know that are now fat. And they have no mercy for their own relatives. My huband's cousin's daughter is a favorite target. I don't know if I ever told the story here but on Easter this year, in line in the family buffet, my FIL came up to me totally unprovoked and said, "Don't eat so much. You'll get fat." You don't say that to people. My sister's a (former) an.orexi.c.
As the time Thursday night approached 10:30 (past my bedtime), my FIL announces that they'll go to bed because I LOOK TIRED. They'll go to bed because I look tired????? What kind of logic is that? They ask what time we get up. I said, "whenever we get up. It might be 7:00, 7:30, 8:00." Who knows?
In the morning, my husband got up about a half-hour before me. So, I got into the kitchen about 7:30. We have no coffee maker because my husband took it with him. And I don't keep anything in the house for breakfast except cereal. My husband asked if they wanted to got out for breakfast. My FIL's reaction? "After yesterday, I'm not hungry at all for breakfast. You're hungry?" Now that was directed at my husband but frankly, I was hungry and not ashamed to admit it.
They were gone by 8:00am. They didn't thank me as they walked out the door. A few hours later, I told me husband that they didn't thank us for staying at our house. He said, "Oh, yeah they did. When I walked them out to their car, they thanked me."
You're probably asking yourself right now (if you've read this far) why I'm so touchy about the subject of sleep. That's because I never was before I got married. I like to sleep between nine to ten hours a night. That's ideal. I can function just fine with less. I prefer not to. If I can get to sleep by 10pm, I will likely sleep until 7:30 or 8:00, depending on the time of sunrise.
My husband hates that. Literally hates it. For the first year of our marriage, he would mercilessly annoy me about my sleep habits. He would wake me up early just to bother me. When we went through Retrouvaille, you work on conflict resolution skills. The topic he picked out of the entire list of problems within a marriage was MY SLEEP HABITS.
And why does he care so much about sleep. Because his parents do. This is an inherited opinion. His parents relate the amount of sleep a person gets per night with their overall personal productivity rate and their moral status. The less you sleep, the better worker you are. I was not raised that way. Nobody in my house growing up cared about how much you slept. And that's because we were all high achieving people (please forgive any spelling errors :)) So, who gives a damn about whether you wake up at 7:00 or 7:00, we all got to school and work on time.
But what this really comes down to, and my husband and I talked about it last night before he left to go back to his parents is this: I don't want my husband living on his parent's property. I didn't want it before he left and I don't want it now. But he tells me he won't do anything else. And why? Because he doesn't want to spend any money he doesn't feel he has to. He believes he can live in the guest house rent free because he worked for his family business for no pay for many years.
I am now intimately tied to a very painful and complicated family problem that is not my own. The ironic thing is that why my husband defended his parents to me the entire holiday weekend, just before he left, he said he would tell his father some day that my husband might not have accomplished as my work as his father but that he had more fun that his father. I told my husband not to sell himself short. He's accomplished a great deal. I asked him if his father is harassing him. He said no. But this statement about speaking truth to the old man came out of nowhere so I suspect something happened.
This situation is not normal. A man should not live three hours from his wife and 100 meters from his parents. I'm not sure how this is going to be resolved or when but it's a doozy.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Recommended reading for the involuntary childless couple
http://bucks.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/11/13/the-cost-in-dollars-of-raising-a-child/?ref=your-money
For those of you who are involuntarily childless, I recommend reading the short article linked above. Essentially, because it takes quite a bit of money to raise children, if you don't have them, you theoretically can save a certain amount on those costs. I found it to be a good psychological pick-me-up if you're at the stage where you've accepted your situation and are looking for things to be happy about other than being able to sleep in on the weekends or have sex with your husband in the kitchen whenever you feel like it. (And I consider that a major bonus of infertility.)
Certainly computing the financial costs of having and raising children is not putting an implicit value on the experience. I think anybody who wants children whether they have them or not believes in the worthiness of the experience.
For those of you who are involuntarily childless, I recommend reading the short article linked above. Essentially, because it takes quite a bit of money to raise children, if you don't have them, you theoretically can save a certain amount on those costs. I found it to be a good psychological pick-me-up if you're at the stage where you've accepted your situation and are looking for things to be happy about other than being able to sleep in on the weekends or have sex with your husband in the kitchen whenever you feel like it. (And I consider that a major bonus of infertility.)
Certainly computing the financial costs of having and raising children is not putting an implicit value on the experience. I think anybody who wants children whether they have them or not believes in the worthiness of the experience.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
It's gonna take patience and time
I liked my hair, my hairstyle Friday morning, November 16th. It was flirty, fluffy, sexy, maybe. But it just felt too long for my taste. I had to put mouse on it, blow dry it, and then top it with wax. The night before I'd text my hairdresser and asked for an appointment around lunchtime on Friday. Dumb idea number one. Trying to get a good haircut in twenty minutes is an impossibility. I told her as I sat down in the chair, I wanted it shorter. But that's as much as I'd articulated. So, she washed it and started cutting.
It's a slightly long version of a pixie. And by slightly longer, I mean 1/8" of an inch. It's short. I've had it this short before but it's so short it eliminates the waves and curls I like so much. I was scared after she finished blow drying and styling it. When I paid for it and three other stylists were at the counter, nobody complemented the cut. It was a certified dud. When I got back to work, the few people who did see me said nothing. Did they not notice or did they fall into the category of "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?"
I was pretty despondent when I got home. I had run after work and jumped into the shower the minute I stepped through the door just trying to get the little excess hairs off my face and neck. I didn't feel any better after the shower. I told my husband about it and he kind of laughed on the phone. He said it couldn't be as bad as I thought. I said it was really that bad. I needed a wig. I spent an hour last night searching for wigs online. Most of what looked good were several hundred dollars. My husband scoffed at the cost and told me to be patient, that it will grow out. But that will take time, I told him. I needed to cover the damage.
My mother thought if I was going to have it that short (I didn't bother to tell her that I regretted the cut completely) I should make it platinum. I told her I wouldn't pay for that. It's expensive and time-consuming. She said she'd pay for it. That's how shallow my mom is, in my opinion. My dad asked me what I wanted for Christmas. "Apparently, I want a series of bleach jobs." He didn't get the sarcasm.
My husband and I met at a gun show today. He didn't say anything about my hair, thank God. He did say I made it sound worse and shorter than it really was. I just think he doesn't really study my hair length long enough to remember. I guess that's just as well.
But, I'm trying to peek out of the darkness that is my appearance and look at this as the start of a growth project. Personal growth through hair growth. So, November 16th 2012, is Day 1 of my journey into good hair. I took a picture of myself a couple hours ago so I could memorialize the changes. As I type, I have the hood of my college sweatshirt over my head. I'm a monk. My monastic period will last at least eight weeks in my estimation to get to an acceptable length.
I think maybe I did this to myself subconsciously. To feel like I'm making progress in my life in some arena when most areas are pretty good. Maybe I wanted to torture myself. Make problems in order to make solutions. But this solution is just patience. And I'd rate patience as an overrated virtue. Maybe this is a lesson from God. I don't know.
It's a slightly long version of a pixie. And by slightly longer, I mean 1/8" of an inch. It's short. I've had it this short before but it's so short it eliminates the waves and curls I like so much. I was scared after she finished blow drying and styling it. When I paid for it and three other stylists were at the counter, nobody complemented the cut. It was a certified dud. When I got back to work, the few people who did see me said nothing. Did they not notice or did they fall into the category of "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all?"
I was pretty despondent when I got home. I had run after work and jumped into the shower the minute I stepped through the door just trying to get the little excess hairs off my face and neck. I didn't feel any better after the shower. I told my husband about it and he kind of laughed on the phone. He said it couldn't be as bad as I thought. I said it was really that bad. I needed a wig. I spent an hour last night searching for wigs online. Most of what looked good were several hundred dollars. My husband scoffed at the cost and told me to be patient, that it will grow out. But that will take time, I told him. I needed to cover the damage.
My mother thought if I was going to have it that short (I didn't bother to tell her that I regretted the cut completely) I should make it platinum. I told her I wouldn't pay for that. It's expensive and time-consuming. She said she'd pay for it. That's how shallow my mom is, in my opinion. My dad asked me what I wanted for Christmas. "Apparently, I want a series of bleach jobs." He didn't get the sarcasm.
My husband and I met at a gun show today. He didn't say anything about my hair, thank God. He did say I made it sound worse and shorter than it really was. I just think he doesn't really study my hair length long enough to remember. I guess that's just as well.
But, I'm trying to peek out of the darkness that is my appearance and look at this as the start of a growth project. Personal growth through hair growth. So, November 16th 2012, is Day 1 of my journey into good hair. I took a picture of myself a couple hours ago so I could memorialize the changes. As I type, I have the hood of my college sweatshirt over my head. I'm a monk. My monastic period will last at least eight weeks in my estimation to get to an acceptable length.
I think maybe I did this to myself subconsciously. To feel like I'm making progress in my life in some arena when most areas are pretty good. Maybe I wanted to torture myself. Make problems in order to make solutions. But this solution is just patience. And I'd rate patience as an overrated virtue. Maybe this is a lesson from God. I don't know.
Friday, November 9, 2012
The Proust Questionnaire
I thought it would fun to post my answers to the Proust Questionnaire. Since none of my readers have met me and because I reveal very little about my life details here, I thought it a great idea to share so it might give you some insight (if you cared.) You'll see more about my fear of apathy below.
The Proust Questionnaire is a questionnaire about one's personality. Its name and modern popularity as a form of interview is owed to the responses given by the French writer Marcel Proust.At the end of the nineteenth century, when Proust was still in his teens, he answered a questionnaire in an English-language confession album belonging to his friend Antoinette, daughter of future French President Félix Faure, entitled "An Album to Record Thoughts, Feelings, etc." At that time, it was popular among English families to answer such a list of questions that revealed the tastes and aspirations of the taker.
1. What is your idea of perfect happiness? Being in incredible cardiovascular shape
2. What is your greatest fear? Being in the middle of an apathetic crowd during a major crisis
3. Which historical figure do you most identify with? Catherine the Great
4. Which living person do you most admire? Any person who stands up for the right thing in the face of violent opposition.
5. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? Egocentricity
6. What is the trait you most deplore in others? Willful ignorance and apathy
7. What is your greatest extravagance? Unbridled ideas and opinions
8. On what occasion do you lie? To save a loved one unnecessary hurt
9. What do you most dislike about your appearance? An easily readable facial expression
10. When and where you the happiest? Late summer/early fall 2012 when, for the first time in my life, my allergies didn't bother me
11. If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be? An immature need for attention
12. If you could change one thing about your family what would it be? That they were better listeners
13. What do you consider your greatest achievement? My marriage but I can't take all the credit
14. If you died and came back as a person or thing what do you think it would be? Christians only get one turn around this particular block
15. What is your most treasured possession? My waterproof Merrell boots that can go anywhere and never cause me pain
16. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? Being a member of an apathetic society
17. Who are your heroes in real life? My husband, my father, and my best girlfriend
18. What is it that you most dislike? Wanton cruelty
19. How would you like to die? In the arms of my husband
20. What is your motto? An anecdote is not evidence.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
When David Hasselhoff is your moral compass
I've really have no one else to tell this story to, so I'll tell the internets. It's been a rough two weeks but I persevere. I'm proud of that. I struggle with my feelings of loneliness but I get through. That's something.
Ok, David Hasselhoff. Some years ago, I watched, I think it was the E! True Hollywood Story on Baywatch. I remember two things about that. One, the tall, skinny brunette actress said that Pamela Anderson made ten times more than she. Two, that some women were trying to "get with" David Hasselhoff somewhere and he said that he wouldn't go for it because "you're either married or you're not and I'm married." For some reason, I have a vivid memory of him saying that.
Fast forward to this morning. There's a guy who works for a competitor and we see each other often in meetings. Over the past five years since we met, we've had lunch a few times. We are friends.
We saw each other at a meeting this morning and as I walk to my car he says, "If you're around this weekend, maybe we could have a drink." "Well, my husband will be in town so it will have to be the three of us," I said as I closed my car door.
I knew instantly as I drove back to work that gaul dang it, I had to have THE CONVERSATION. I left him a message and waited for his call. He called back about 45 minutes later. I explained that although I like him and enjoy talking to him about our industry and work, I am married and we shouldn't see each other socially, i.e. for lunch anymore. Sure, we'll see each other in professional settings but no socializing will take place. He asked if he said something that offended me. I said no. Things were just getting to the point where something bad was going to happen if I took him up on his offer at a meet-up in a bar. So, that's why no meet-ups in bars.
I'm a little ashamed (maybe a lot ashamed) it got to the point of having that conversation, but I figure (so soon after the fact) that once you're married, your feelings don't go away, they just have to be dealt with in a mature, ethical way and if you have to tell someone to back off or get the hell away, you should do so. So I tip my hat to David Hasselhoff because "you're either married or you're not, and I'm [most certainly] married."
Ok, David Hasselhoff. Some years ago, I watched, I think it was the E! True Hollywood Story on Baywatch. I remember two things about that. One, the tall, skinny brunette actress said that Pamela Anderson made ten times more than she. Two, that some women were trying to "get with" David Hasselhoff somewhere and he said that he wouldn't go for it because "you're either married or you're not and I'm married." For some reason, I have a vivid memory of him saying that.
Fast forward to this morning. There's a guy who works for a competitor and we see each other often in meetings. Over the past five years since we met, we've had lunch a few times. We are friends.
We saw each other at a meeting this morning and as I walk to my car he says, "If you're around this weekend, maybe we could have a drink." "Well, my husband will be in town so it will have to be the three of us," I said as I closed my car door.
I knew instantly as I drove back to work that gaul dang it, I had to have THE CONVERSATION. I left him a message and waited for his call. He called back about 45 minutes later. I explained that although I like him and enjoy talking to him about our industry and work, I am married and we shouldn't see each other socially, i.e. for lunch anymore. Sure, we'll see each other in professional settings but no socializing will take place. He asked if he said something that offended me. I said no. Things were just getting to the point where something bad was going to happen if I took him up on his offer at a meet-up in a bar. So, that's why no meet-ups in bars.
I'm a little ashamed (maybe a lot ashamed) it got to the point of having that conversation, but I figure (so soon after the fact) that once you're married, your feelings don't go away, they just have to be dealt with in a mature, ethical way and if you have to tell someone to back off or get the hell away, you should do so. So I tip my hat to David Hasselhoff because "you're either married or you're not, and I'm [most certainly] married."
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Adoption Tax Credit
For those of you who have adopted... this discussion might be of interest to you. And you might want to comment on your experience or opinion.
http://www.nytimes.com/roomfordebate/2012/10/29/should-the-adoption-tax-credit-be-renewed
http://www.nytimes.com/roomfordebate/2012/10/29/should-the-adoption-tax-credit-be-renewed
Monday, October 29, 2012
Friday, October 26, 2012
Friends with babies
I spent a large majority of the day with Afina, her two precious boys and for some part of the day, Afina's husband whom I dearly love. He's a unique and great guy. What a wonderful family. But Afina is stressed. Her youngest is two months old and she goes back to her demanding job in four weeks. She's feels she's falling short; not living up to her great expectations. Her mother is not supportive, she's almost attacking. Says Afina looks like a slob, not keeping herself up. But Afina is beautiful and everybody thinks so. Afina is unhappy with her house and neighborhood. There are no sidewalks and backyard.
We had a fun day playing with her oldest who is impressively verbal given he's not get two years old. We caught up on the last few months of activity in our lives. We've known each other since college so it's fun to see how far we've come and how we're both struggling in our own way.
A few nights ago I went over to my neighbor's house. She has two girls just about same age as Afina's kids but my neighbor's youngest is very young; just three weeks old. The girl is small and my neighbor says she's not keeping much milk down. She's throws up a lot and the doctor says it's acid reflux. I don't know about these things in babies. I felt really bad for her. I don't see many visitors at her home. Her mom has only been over twice in three weeks. She doesn't have any friends her age that
come around. They are young, in their early twenties.
And my neighbor couple has some serious problems, unfortunately they caused themselves. I'll call them Stacy and Alan. Stacy wants to move very badly. So badly that they stopped paying their mortgage in July. It's not that they can't afford the payments, she just wants to leave. And why? The barking dogs and what she says are harassing neighbors. I don't hear the dogs and have not experienced any neighbor problems expect for some being unfriendly. But that's not a crime. I suspect Stacy has some problems with anxiety and maybe panic attacks. And she convinced her husband it was a good idea to force themselves into foreclosure.
They thought they would qualify for a government program that pays homeowners to stay in their homes, help them avoid foreclosure through a short sale, and avoid vandalism because they are still in the house. Predictably for me but not for them they couldn't qualify for the large payment because their income is too high. Again, they can afford their mortgage payment. So now BofA (the great bank they are so much so that the government recently sued them) has sold Stacy and Alan's loan to "a no name bank." Another couple had put in an offer on their house but now it will have to be resubmitted to the new bank. I asked if they could just start paying their mortgage again and she said it would mean they'd be so behind it wouldn't make sense. I didn't get that. And the new bank would make them refinance and now that their credit is screwed up, the interest rate would be sky high. This is not good. Stacy looked very stressed. And she said her husband thinks she lays around all day while he's at work! Men.
When I left Afina's today and got home I felt strange. I guess mixed emotions is the best description. I felt sorry for myself that I don't have children. But also happy that I don't have the stress that she and Stacy have. I don't feel sad. But that's life isn't it. The good mixed with the bad. I have my own particular good and bad, not theirs. I have my own brand of stress. But I feel very grateful I'm an aunt. That I can love those children, not everyday but that I have a special place. I promised Afina's oldest I'd take him to his first sushi bar when he's old enough. And that's good enough for me right now.
We had a fun day playing with her oldest who is impressively verbal given he's not get two years old. We caught up on the last few months of activity in our lives. We've known each other since college so it's fun to see how far we've come and how we're both struggling in our own way.
A few nights ago I went over to my neighbor's house. She has two girls just about same age as Afina's kids but my neighbor's youngest is very young; just three weeks old. The girl is small and my neighbor says she's not keeping much milk down. She's throws up a lot and the doctor says it's acid reflux. I don't know about these things in babies. I felt really bad for her. I don't see many visitors at her home. Her mom has only been over twice in three weeks. She doesn't have any friends her age that
come around. They are young, in their early twenties.
And my neighbor couple has some serious problems, unfortunately they caused themselves. I'll call them Stacy and Alan. Stacy wants to move very badly. So badly that they stopped paying their mortgage in July. It's not that they can't afford the payments, she just wants to leave. And why? The barking dogs and what she says are harassing neighbors. I don't hear the dogs and have not experienced any neighbor problems expect for some being unfriendly. But that's not a crime. I suspect Stacy has some problems with anxiety and maybe panic attacks. And she convinced her husband it was a good idea to force themselves into foreclosure.
They thought they would qualify for a government program that pays homeowners to stay in their homes, help them avoid foreclosure through a short sale, and avoid vandalism because they are still in the house. Predictably for me but not for them they couldn't qualify for the large payment because their income is too high. Again, they can afford their mortgage payment. So now BofA (the great bank they are so much so that the government recently sued them) has sold Stacy and Alan's loan to "a no name bank." Another couple had put in an offer on their house but now it will have to be resubmitted to the new bank. I asked if they could just start paying their mortgage again and she said it would mean they'd be so behind it wouldn't make sense. I didn't get that. And the new bank would make them refinance and now that their credit is screwed up, the interest rate would be sky high. This is not good. Stacy looked very stressed. And she said her husband thinks she lays around all day while he's at work! Men.
When I left Afina's today and got home I felt strange. I guess mixed emotions is the best description. I felt sorry for myself that I don't have children. But also happy that I don't have the stress that she and Stacy have. I don't feel sad. But that's life isn't it. The good mixed with the bad. I have my own particular good and bad, not theirs. I have my own brand of stress. But I feel very grateful I'm an aunt. That I can love those children, not everyday but that I have a special place. I promised Afina's oldest I'd take him to his first sushi bar when he's old enough. And that's good enough for me right now.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
"No one else knew that"
Several years ago, I was with a friend at a corner market when he took out his credit card to pay for his purchase. I looked at the credit card and said, "You've got the Irish flag on your card." He said, "That's amazing. You're the first person to know that."
Today, I was with my good friend and we went to a local nursing home to take around a cat so the patients could enjoy him. One of the patients had a teddy bear on her bed. I said, "That's a Steiff bear." Surprised, the lady said, "Ah, no one else knew that."
I thought that was interesting.
Today, I was with my good friend and we went to a local nursing home to take around a cat so the patients could enjoy him. One of the patients had a teddy bear on her bed. I said, "That's a Steiff bear." Surprised, the lady said, "Ah, no one else knew that."
I thought that was interesting.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
The Right Way to Support an Argument
This post is coming together for two reasons. Abortion is very much in the news today and Grace in my Heart posted a few days ago, a claim that the HPV vaccine CAUSED one female's sterility. What I said in a comment on her blog is that "correlation is not causation", a very important scientific principle or maybe just a logic principle. What I've seen from folks usually apposed to certain activities or human behaviors is that they try to tie some scary health data to whatever they don't like and want to stop. Thus, the article about one girl's premature ovarian failure because she took Gardasil. This type of argument is totally unnecessary and doesn't further the person's case.
I've heard in the past that some try to tie having an abortion to getting breast cancer. This may or may not be true, I don't know. But isn't there a good enough and morally correct way to argue against abortion other than saying it might give you cancer? We could say that killing is ethically and morally wrong. Therefore, as a society we don't condone and our laws don't allow for it. I don't think that's a stretch. You might have to go further and say that the rights of an unborn to stay alive supercede the mother's right to kill it if she so desires. That might make some feminists balk, but it's certainly the right of a government to decide if we allow the willful killing of human life in any form, inside or outside the womb.
The same argument stands for not advocating girls and boys be vaccinated against HPV. If you think Gardasil is ineffective, dangerous, will make your kid have more sex just because they are now thought to be vaccinated against a proven cancer-causing virus, you don't have to tell a story about how some local doctor came to a flimsy conclusion that because their patient got the HPV vaccine and prior to that, had normal periods, and now testing shows this one person is in premature ovarian failure. Just simply argue that this is a drug you don't support, don't let your kids get it, and call it a day. You don't have to do what one commenter did which was call the story "horrifying." Really, horrifying? If you think one person's sterility is horrifying, I'd especially appreciate you calling all other infertile's experiences horrifying. I don't feel my situation is horrifying but feel free to think that on my behalf.
There are a lot of what I call phony drugs on the market. Just because the FDA approves a drug for market, does not mean it's a safe or effective drug. This has been proven many times. The drug for "restless leg syndrome" was not originally developed for that so-called syndrome. But, the drug makes spent millions of dollars trying to develop this drug and it's legal to apply your new drug to some other condition not the original one you were doing drug research on.
We can call things unethical, immoral, and illegal but it seems lazy to try and scare others by presenting these "bad" things as causing some very unpleasant or unhealthy condition. Something can be bad without being unhealthy.
I've heard in the past that some try to tie having an abortion to getting breast cancer. This may or may not be true, I don't know. But isn't there a good enough and morally correct way to argue against abortion other than saying it might give you cancer? We could say that killing is ethically and morally wrong. Therefore, as a society we don't condone and our laws don't allow for it. I don't think that's a stretch. You might have to go further and say that the rights of an unborn to stay alive supercede the mother's right to kill it if she so desires. That might make some feminists balk, but it's certainly the right of a government to decide if we allow the willful killing of human life in any form, inside or outside the womb.
The same argument stands for not advocating girls and boys be vaccinated against HPV. If you think Gardasil is ineffective, dangerous, will make your kid have more sex just because they are now thought to be vaccinated against a proven cancer-causing virus, you don't have to tell a story about how some local doctor came to a flimsy conclusion that because their patient got the HPV vaccine and prior to that, had normal periods, and now testing shows this one person is in premature ovarian failure. Just simply argue that this is a drug you don't support, don't let your kids get it, and call it a day. You don't have to do what one commenter did which was call the story "horrifying." Really, horrifying? If you think one person's sterility is horrifying, I'd especially appreciate you calling all other infertile's experiences horrifying. I don't feel my situation is horrifying but feel free to think that on my behalf.
There are a lot of what I call phony drugs on the market. Just because the FDA approves a drug for market, does not mean it's a safe or effective drug. This has been proven many times. The drug for "restless leg syndrome" was not originally developed for that so-called syndrome. But, the drug makes spent millions of dollars trying to develop this drug and it's legal to apply your new drug to some other condition not the original one you were doing drug research on.
We can call things unethical, immoral, and illegal but it seems lazy to try and scare others by presenting these "bad" things as causing some very unpleasant or unhealthy condition. Something can be bad without being unhealthy.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Nothing
I haven't tried not to post intentionally. Believe me. So, nothing on the job front. Didn't receive a reply to my 'thank you' email last week. I left a voice mail message this morning. But nothing.
My husband's crazy work is scheduled to come to a close on October27th 31st. So, soon and I will be very happy he can come home. Our wedding anniversary is this Thursday. We'll both be working; ironically enough, Thursday is my busiest day of the week, lots of meetings and that dumb duck-and-cover exercise then walk outside to chat with your co-workers while pretending to efficiently evacuate.
I'm planning an anniversary celebration in November. Better late than never, especially when a great dinner, great company, and a swanky hotel are on the horizon.
My husband's crazy work is scheduled to come to a close on October
I'm planning an anniversary celebration in November. Better late than never, especially when a great dinner, great company, and a swanky hotel are on the horizon.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)