Thursday, November 29, 2012

Reflecting on family

Why is it when something bad happens, all the bad, painful memories crop up?  Anyway, I'm sorry I neglected to tell my faithful readers that I didn't get that job.  I found out a couple of weeks ago.  He said somebody had more experience than me which I absolutely don't believe.  But, that attitude will take me nowhere. :)  Life goes on, I guess.

I wish I was one of those Catholic bloggers with the perfect attitudes and ever cheerful posts.  But I'm thankful (see, I can do it too) my relative anonymity gives me more freedom to talk honestly.  Not that the cheerful bloggers aren't honest, of course.  They're just more perfect than me.

That said, I struggle against playing my type.  If I'm paranoid to any degree I tend to believe everybody who knows us is waiting for me to crack.  "Oh yeah, he shouldn't have married someone so much younger."  "Yeah, she's too ambitious."  "Give it a few years, she'll mess around."  I don't so my struggle with my own feelings as I wrestle with what other people think about me and what I'll do.  But, my mother said not to worry, nobody's thinking about me. ;)  She told me that as a teenager, I think, to make me not worry about maintaining a good reputation?  I don't know.  My mother says some very wise things and also some very dumb things.  I guess everybody's capable of that.

I'm beating around the bush, yes!  

To follow up on the comments on the last post....  My husband's family is just very different from my own.  My FIL's age is just shy of what my own grandfather's would be if he were still alive.  It's a generational problem.  It's a cultural problem.  Even though we're all from California, they identify themselves as still part of a culture that keep family close.  I'm from one who considers the individual more important than the family.  We prize fierce Independence.  Not to say we don't love our family.  We do.

There's a really interesting piece in the NY Times today.  It's about a mother who worries about her adult children.  Enlightening to say the least.  It helped me figure out why my husband's situation with his parents bothers me so much.  It's the lack of privacy I so cherish.  I view my marriage as creating a separate family.  We are separate from my family and his family.

But that's not the case anymore.  He lives what he views as not with his parents but he's a stone's throw away.  That's too close for me.  The asking about sleep from my FIL was an invasion of privacy.  The best thing my in-laws can do is kick my husband out of the house.  But should I ask them to do that?  F*ck.  This situation is totally screwed.


  1. Browsing your archives, there are several examples of how your in-laws, especially your FIL, have invaded your privacy. The comments about eating and getting fat are invasions of privacy. I suspect the insensitive comments about infertility are as well.

    I really feel for you, Airing. I don't like my in-laws either. They have completely different values from DH and me. DH loves his family, and would like me to be closer to them, but part of me feels like this is an unreasonable request. He never fit in with his family. He sought out and married a woman as different as could be from them. And now he wants me to be closer to them???? Anyway, this situation sounds like it's so hard on you. It must be hard on your DH as well.

    Could you put limits on how much time you spend with them when you go to visit DH? I don't think you can control how much he sees them, but you shouldn't be spending more time with them then necessary.

    And this is why people hate the holidays. I never understood it before I was married.

  2. Thank you so much, Sarah for your comment. It means a lot to me that you can empathize with my situation. You note that your husband made a sincere decision to marry you, a woman different from his family so he should understand why it might be hard for you to integrate into his. Thanks for making me think about that. It helps me.

    It's true my husband wanted specific things in a wife, and he got it by marrying me!!! He placed the characteristics of the women in his culture as not as important as the traits he found in me. That's why I tell him marrying an energetic, thin woman means I spend less time cooking and more time working out so he shouldn't complain how I spend my time if he likes the results. :) So, I get it. I'm sorry you have such a difficult time with your in-laws, too. We suffer much as women, right?