Right after writing my post last night, I went over to Joy Beyond the Cross and read her horrible news. I couldn't sleep last night because of it. I woke up my husband to tell him. He said, "God, that's terrible." All this debate on my blog felt so gratuitous.
I see two camps forming. The first doesn't think it's OK to question Church leaders or contact them to do so. They also like to attribute infertility and some other bad stuff to the Fall. In addition, they are on board with the procreation aspect being the central tenet of the anti gay marriage argument.
The second camp (the infertiles/the childless and cancer sufferers) aren't taking a lot of comfort in the Fall argument. They also see value in the other salient aspects of the anti gay marriage argument not related to procreation 'cause hey, we're married and we don't procreate.
Joanna, it's not that I don't recognize that our infertility is due to some defect. That's obviously true. It's just that I've never felt the mothers have been able to empathize with the infertiles and they don't even try. That's why I don't get why they comment on infertile blogs.
I'm here and I write to represent a persecuted minority. And advocate for us. To hear lawyers and archbishops casually throw around the word "infertility" like it meant nothing to some people was extremely hurtful.
There's a gulf I guess between these two camps. People that get pregnant like clockwork can't understand people like me who fail to conceive 32 months in a row. Nearly all the friends my age have children and I have to bend to their schedules. It's a life fertiles don't understand. That's all.
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Friday, April 12, 2013
Thank you and a rebuttal
I'm very happy my letter to Archbishop Cordileone sparked so much interest and thought. We have a lot of smart, articulate women in our community. Thank you for taking the time to comment.
First off if anyone wants to use the letter, go right ahead. No need to credit me by name just as a sympathetic sister in Christ. Just please don't edit or change the content.
How do I go about addressing all the salient arguments in the comment from the last post? It'll be random.
I completely disagree that the Archbishop didn't devalue the marriage of infertiles. By calling infertility, "a challenge and a disappointment that some husbands and wives have to go through" means he doesn't understand infertility at all. And nothing I've read from Leila lets me know she understands it either.
The Church, despite saying in the Catechism of the Catholic Church:
And because of USA Today and several Supreme Court Justices, anti gay marriage advocates forced themselves into addressing this little inconvenient problem called infertility.
I've got a big problem with that.
Why? Because Cooper thought infertility is "very rare." Cordileone called it "a challenge and a disappointment" and implied that the only people that are infertile are old. That's why I made a point to tell him I am only 35.
If the most traumatic experience of your life was called very rare and only affected old people wouldn't you be upset?
And on Leila's blog she took the time to say that infertility was due to "the Fall." And that meant that I was defective, diseased, old, decayed. I'm not sure any of these adjectives are mutually compatible or exclusive because she didn't use 'and' or 'or'. Sarah (and I'm sorry, I can't remember where she said this) said that cancer was the result of the Fall. Skin cancer runs in my family. And that's because of sun exposure. My very good friend Renuka Sharma died of non-smokers lung cancer. I wasn't a Catholic when she was dying but if I were I suppose it would have been faithful of me to tell her she had terminal cancer because of the Fall. I'm sure that would have been helpful and comforting to her.
I don't need bloggers to regurgitate what the Church teaches. I can look that stuff up myself. If the reason you write is to cut down debate and women exercising their brain, I don't see any value in that.
And Sarah, I don't write to get the reaction I want. I'm not insecure. I don't care if the Archbishop doesn't respond to me. My parish pastor didn't respond to me when I took Made for Another World's brilliant letter about Mother's Day and not asking mothers to stand up and leaving out the childless. And that guy knows me. I'm not bothered. It makes me work harder.
I live in a place that has three Catholic churches for 600,000 people. And it's not urban. I worship where my in-laws were married, where I was confirmed, and where we were married. I'm not moving churches. I've accepted that I worship in a place where people are deathly worried that it took them three months of trying to get pregnant.
I agree with the Misfit that I feel a deep connection now with gay Catholics. Ah, the irony.
Did I say, "that it is wrong to emphasize the role of procreation in marriage?" No I didn't. I said that argument is "half-baked" and that the argument against gay marriage shouldn't "hinge" on procreation. If the validity of opposite sex marriage hinged on procreation, I'm not married.
I sometimes wonder why Catholic superstar Leila got involved in the infertile blogs. I hate to judge knowing what I know but since she loves to, I'll go ahead. Until you know what it's like to love a man and take the very serious step of marrying him and work very hard to make your marriage a good one in a society that loves to tell you to get a divorce if you're unhappy when everybody is unhappy sometimes, and make love with that man during the time of the month that almost everybody seems to get pregnant and still get your period two weeks later month after month, and face a life knowing you will not know the joy and sorrow of raising and loving your husband's children, you will never understand what drives me.
I am a faithful Roman Catholic. However, I will not be a mouthpiece for the Church and I will not stifle debate. I won't let bullies bring me down.
First off if anyone wants to use the letter, go right ahead. No need to credit me by name just as a sympathetic sister in Christ. Just please don't edit or change the content.
How do I go about addressing all the salient arguments in the comment from the last post? It'll be random.
I completely disagree that the Archbishop didn't devalue the marriage of infertiles. By calling infertility, "a challenge and a disappointment that some husbands and wives have to go through" means he doesn't understand infertility at all. And nothing I've read from Leila lets me know she understands it either.
It's hard to express profound grief and trauma in a letter and I probably failed in that regard. To call the most significant event that is continually happening to you, a disappointment is profoundly insulting. When anti gay marriage advocates both secular and religious choose to rest their argument against gay marriage on procreation, they failed to consider how they would address infertility. I cannot properly format all the sections of the Supreme Court transcript on the gay marriage case (Hollingsworth v. Perry) that I want to refer to but, Justice Kagan asked:
In reading the briefs, it seems as though your principal argument is that same-sex and opposite -- opposite-sex couples are not similarly situated because opposite-sex couples can procreate, same-sex couples cannot, and the State's principal interest in marriage is in regulating procreation. Is that basically correct?Cooper, the lawyer advocate for Proposition 8 said, "I -- Your Honor, that's the essential thrust of our -- our position, yes."
The Church, despite saying in the Catechism of the Catholic Church:
Basing itself on Sacred Scripture, which presents homosexual acts as acts of grave depravity, tradition has always declared that 'homosexual acts are intrinsically disordered'. They are contrary to the natural law. They close the sexual act to the gift of life. They do not proceed from a genuine affective and sexual complementarity. Under no circumstances can they be approved.They've got to pair up with the secular argument because the Supreme Court won't listen to biblical reasoning. The Church, instead of emphasizing the 'grave depravity' of homosexuality and it not being genuinely affective and sexually complementary, they rest their argument of procreation.
And because of USA Today and several Supreme Court Justices, anti gay marriage advocates forced themselves into addressing this little inconvenient problem called infertility.
I've got a big problem with that.
Why? Because Cooper thought infertility is "very rare." Cordileone called it "a challenge and a disappointment" and implied that the only people that are infertile are old. That's why I made a point to tell him I am only 35.
If the most traumatic experience of your life was called very rare and only affected old people wouldn't you be upset?
And on Leila's blog she took the time to say that infertility was due to "the Fall." And that meant that I was defective, diseased, old, decayed. I'm not sure any of these adjectives are mutually compatible or exclusive because she didn't use 'and' or 'or'. Sarah (and I'm sorry, I can't remember where she said this) said that cancer was the result of the Fall. Skin cancer runs in my family. And that's because of sun exposure. My very good friend Renuka Sharma died of non-smokers lung cancer. I wasn't a Catholic when she was dying but if I were I suppose it would have been faithful of me to tell her she had terminal cancer because of the Fall. I'm sure that would have been helpful and comforting to her.
I don't need bloggers to regurgitate what the Church teaches. I can look that stuff up myself. If the reason you write is to cut down debate and women exercising their brain, I don't see any value in that.
And Sarah, I don't write to get the reaction I want. I'm not insecure. I don't care if the Archbishop doesn't respond to me. My parish pastor didn't respond to me when I took Made for Another World's brilliant letter about Mother's Day and not asking mothers to stand up and leaving out the childless. And that guy knows me. I'm not bothered. It makes me work harder.
I live in a place that has three Catholic churches for 600,000 people. And it's not urban. I worship where my in-laws were married, where I was confirmed, and where we were married. I'm not moving churches. I've accepted that I worship in a place where people are deathly worried that it took them three months of trying to get pregnant.
I agree with the Misfit that I feel a deep connection now with gay Catholics. Ah, the irony.
Did I say, "that it is wrong to emphasize the role of procreation in marriage?" No I didn't. I said that argument is "half-baked" and that the argument against gay marriage shouldn't "hinge" on procreation. If the validity of opposite sex marriage hinged on procreation, I'm not married.
I sometimes wonder why Catholic superstar Leila got involved in the infertile blogs. I hate to judge knowing what I know but since she loves to, I'll go ahead. Until you know what it's like to love a man and take the very serious step of marrying him and work very hard to make your marriage a good one in a society that loves to tell you to get a divorce if you're unhappy when everybody is unhappy sometimes, and make love with that man during the time of the month that almost everybody seems to get pregnant and still get your period two weeks later month after month, and face a life knowing you will not know the joy and sorrow of raising and loving your husband's children, you will never understand what drives me.
I am a faithful Roman Catholic. However, I will not be a mouthpiece for the Church and I will not stifle debate. I won't let bullies bring me down.
I didn't muddle anything. I stand by my letter.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
I finally finished it.
OK, I just had to finish it. I've had lots of other things on my mind but didn't want to quit this project. Here's the letter (and it's not open for corrections or changes!) It's done.
April 11, 2013
Most Reverend Salvatore J. Cordileone
Archbishop of San Francisco
One Peter Yorke Way
San Francisco, CA 94109
Your Excellency:
As a married Roman Catholic, I have been following the news of the United States Supreme Court’s consideration of gay marriage closely. I believe strongly in and find great comfort in my marriage not only as a perfect union between a man and a woman but also as a Sacrament of the Church. You have my appreciation and great respect for leading as chairman the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops Subcommittee for the Promotion and Defense of Marriage.
While I in no way reject the view that marriage is the best place to raise and nurture children, I do not believe that the argument against gay marriage hinges on procreation. I was pained to read your words justifying the manner in which you defend traditional marriage in the March 25, 2013 edition of USA Today. You stated, “To legalize marriage between two people of the same sex would enshrine in the law… that marriage is essentially an institution about adults, not children; marriage would mean nothing more than giving adults recognition and benefits in their most significant relationship.”
You further state when asked how this view applies to elderly or infertile opposite sex couples:
Infertility is, as you point out, part of the natural life cycle of marriage (people age!), as well as a challenge and disappointment some husbands and wives have to go through. People who have been married for 50 years are no less married because they can no longer have children.
Adoption can be a wonderful happy ending for children who lack even one parent able or willing to care for them. But notice, when a man and woman cannot have children together, that's an accident of circumstances, the exception to the rule. When a husband and wife adopt, they are mirroring the pattern set in nature itself....
As a non-elderly infertile woman (I am 35 years old), I cannot disagree more with this view. However, I firmly believe you did not intend to hurt infertile married couple through your comments. For some of us, infertility is not just a part of the natural life cycle, it’s a permanent status. If I may, let me take you briefly through our infertility journey.
In 2008, in preparation for our wedding, my husband and I learned the Natural Family Planning method through our local parish in the Los Angeles Archdiocese. After one year of trying unsuccessfully to conceive, we went through every diagnostic test outlined by the NaPro Technology system including laparoscopic abdominal surgery by a Catholic surgeon 135 miles from my home. Three years since that surgery and additional Church-sanctioned fertility treatments, my husband and I have never conceived a child. We have always been open to new life. We have never used artificial contraception or Assisted Reproductive Technology treatments.
We have further discerned that we are not called to adopt a child. Adoption is a complicated legal process and can be very costly. Not only that, because many states allow birth parents a period in which they can change their mind about the adoption, children are sometimes taken away from a loving adoptive family in a heart wrenching process. To view adoption as an easy remedy or quick alternative to infertility is simply not true.
My husband and I are struggling to live a full life in Christ as a committed, loving, childless Catholic couple. I hope you will understand that our infertility journey has been much, much more than a “challenge and a disappointment.” This journey has been at times heartbreaking, isolating, and has profoundly changed the course of my life.
In a faith community where families are large and many people assume that if you don’t have children you’re not a good Catholic and are using artificial contraception, the community can feel unwelcoming and judgmental. Many times I’ve shared with friends that the only way I’ve been able to accept my situation is because I lean totally on our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ for strength and fortitude.
You labeled infertile couples as “an accident of circumstances” and an “exception to the rule.” I firmly believe that in a loving Christian community, infertile married couples cannot be considered inconvenient statistical outliers that get in the way of the accepted argument against gay marriage. We are not tools or convenient anecdotes. We are committed Catholics struggling like every other believer to uphold our values and live out God’s commandment to us: to love one another.
It is exactly because we are exceptions to the rule that I believe infertile couples, are worthy of compassion, respect, and attention.
My prayers are two-fold. One, I pray you and the Church leadership will emphasize the unique and special qualities of opposite sex marriage beyond procreation. My husband and I recognize our marriage as the greatest opportunity for ministry. We are complete as a man and a woman living together in a Christian home. Many sections of the Catechism of the Catholic Church, the Sacrament of Marriage, if fact, support the holy mystery of marriage without emphasis on children or family.
Two, I would respectfully ask for greater understanding and outreach by the Church towards infertile married couples. To illustrate just how marginalized the infertile community can be, a infertile woman who moved to Los Angeles in 2011 called the Family Life Coordinator of the Archdiocese of Los Angeles, the largest diocese in the United States and discovered that although there were support groups for widows and separated/divorced people, there were none for couples suffering from infertility. Just as I believe Christ has been my constant, faithful companion throughout this painful journey, more recognition by the Church could ease the suffering of many couples who now feel they are pushed aside in a world where fertility is taken as granted.
I believe God has given me and my husband the cross of infertility in part to make others aware of a problem most people don’t give a second thought. You can imagine my surprise when the topic of infertility was suddenly a critical companion to a national debate about gay marriage. If you would like, I can discuss my concerns and ideas with you further. I can be reached at [my email address] or by phone at [my phone number]. You and your critical work in the Archdiocese of San Francisco and the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops are in my fervent prayers.
Sincerely,
Me
Friday, April 5, 2013
It's Friday!
- No, I haven't finished the letter to Archbishop Cordileone. Not that my general feeling of abhorrence has gone away, I'm just preoccupied.
- Speaking of preoccupied, I've been on a baking and cooking frenzy this week. Everybody wants to know what's gotten it me. My short explanation is that nobody (because I'm a child of the eighties) ever told me I couldn't do something. Now that I live with a man from a generation where they told kids they were worthless, I've received feedback from some related folks that I can't cook/bake. So, now I'm the defiant one and I've done a fabulous job of proving them wrong.
- So, what have I made? Galaktoboureko for Easter. Entirely homemade Cajun shrimp cappelini alfredo. Well, I didn't make the pasta or the shrimp. And an amazing (pat on back) Meyer lemon loaf cake. So moist!
- I love the Browneyed baker! I only really follow childless blogs, a couple non-threatening adoption blogs, and Joy Beyond the Cross (well, because she's just too smart/sweet/faith-filled not to) and I saw this which took me to that, I wasn't really into the dulce de leche bars, I did find so many other recipes worth trying.
- Tonight, if I have time (my husband is "taking me out to dinner") I'm making Trader Joe's Jo-Jos Cheesecake Bars. She made 'em with Oreos but since I know that Jo-Jos are better, that's what I'm using.
- And related to having time tonight, I'd contend that watching Mad Men will make your man a better husband. We're behind (because we don't have any type of cable service or television transmission) on Mad Men because we wait for them to be streamed on Netflix. So, we watched episodes 1-3 of season 5 last night. Megan does a song and dance routine for Don at his surprise birthday party. After all the guests are gone, Don is gruff and rude and tells Megan not to spend money "that sort of thing" ever again. He also tells her that she embarrassed him by performing a slightly suggestive dance. She's put off. My husband recognizes his similar behavior and makes him think. OK, good. Next scene, Don asks to take Megan "out for dinner." She's happy. So my husband picks up the clue and asks me last night if he "could take me out for dinner." YES! What a polite way to ask.
- No, never got to the cheesecake. He's in bed already.
- Today is five months since my disastrous haircut. The layer above my ears are not down to the bottom of it. I project that it will take another six months or so to get to my chin, for a layered bob.
- I'm headed to San Diego tomorrow to see my 90-year old grandmother. We are reconciling after a difficult life-long relationship. And in the evening I'm visiting my husband's second cousin and his wife. They just had a baby so we're hanging at home. I can hang with that.
- And for the first time in many months, I'm going shopping in a real brick and mortar store. I absolve to take a bottle of water (malls make me dehydrated) and hang out and try on clothes for at least an hour in Anthropologie. It's gonna be a great weekend!
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Holy Thursday - The Pope breaks with liturgical rules
I'm overjoyed, delighted, touched that Pope Francis decided to continue the tradition he started in his home country to wash the feet of juvenile detainees (including women!) in Italy on Holy Thursday instead of what popes traditionally do this day which is, "carry out the foot washing ritual in Rome's grand St. John Lateran basilica. The 12 people chosen for the ritual were always priests to represent the 12 apostles whose feet Jesus washed during the Last Supper before His crucfixion."
This act apparently got a Canon lawyer all hot and bothered because he said, "liturgical law expressly limits participation in that rite to adult males, and I have consistently called on Catholics, clerics and laity alike, to observe this pontifically-promulgated law in service to the unity (dare I say, the catholicity) of liturgy (c. 837)." He went on to say that he found the Pope's actions "inspiring." But, as a fairly new Catholic, I guess you can find a Christian act inspiring but still know it violates some Church law and be OK with it all. Huh.
The Vatican spokesman we all know and love, the Reverend Frederico Lombardi said, what I found terribly interesting, "in a 'grand solemn celebration' of the rite, only men are included because Christ washed the feet of his 12 apostles, all of whom were male.
'Here, the rite was for a small, unique community made up also of women,' Lombardi wrote in an email. 'Excluding the girls would have been inopportune in light of the simple aim of communicating a message of love to all, in a group that certainly didn't include experts on liturgical rules.'"
Am I reading this right? If the feet washing on Holy Thursday would have been in a grand solemn celebration, of course we would and should exclude women because Jesus clearly only favored the service of men, the Twelve Apostles. But, because the new rogue Pope wanted to go to a kiddie prison, we had to wash girl feet because well, we are the one, true Church, heirs to St. Peter, and excluding girls would be majorly inopportune in light of those facts and we should be all about love here (that's what Jesus preached), and besides, there were no Canon lawyers in the jail to stop us. Or, maybe I'm just cynical this week (in some arenas). I'm terribly grateful God has given me a lively, happy Holy Week.
Why are infertiles being swept into the gay marriage debate?
Yesterday, I started a letter to Archbishop Cordileone. I'll post it here once it's finished. The first version was quite aggressive (my natural tone) but in the shower this morning had some ideas spring to mind to make it more diplomatic. Not that I feel diplomacy is necessary but I figure I should give him the benefit of the doubt that he wasn't trying to hurt infertiles' feelings. The same can't be said for a few people over at Little Catholic Bubble. In the latest post (as of an hour ago) I think Leila buries herself into a deeper hole by saying this:
I remember from last Sunday's (Palm Sunday) gospel reading (the Passion) Jesus says in Luke 23:29, "For behold, the days are coming when they will say, ‘Blessed are the barren, and the wombs that never bore, and the breasts that never nursed.’"
And I do appreciate Leila proclaiming that God's favor might fall upon me and I will conceive but I think for most of us infertiles, we've become blue in the face telling fertiles not to tell us that it's "All in God's time." I've always rejected this crazy notion some bloggers have that because they are fertile God favors them more or because they can't get pregnant, God's punishing them for something they did. I categorically reject that theory.
I also contend that sexual intercourse is NOT the principal act of marriage. You might need to initially consumate a marriage to make it a legal marriage. I think you used to be able in some countries or some states to nullify a marriage if you NEVER had sex. But, you don't need to keep knockin' the boots to retain your status as a married person.
If Catholics want to base their argument against gay marriage on procreation i.e., you have heterosexual sex, you get pregnant, you carry a child to term, you give birth to that child, and then you raise that child until age 18 (well, now it's to 25 or more), as the only thing distinguising marriage as a sacred union and in the Church, a sacrament, Houston, we've got a problem.
I think a very mature attitude about a Christian marriage is that it's not about sex. You heard it here first: If you are basing the quality of your marriage on the quality of the sex or having any sex at all, you're shallow. Christian marriage is a vocation!!!! It is one of the greatest opportunities for ministry. If you are encouraging, supporting, and lovingly challenging your spouse in their Christian faith, you are a good husband/wife. You are in a good, holy marriage.
I get that the Church wants to enter into the debate against civil gay marriage. But, why are you divorcing your argument from your faith and making it all about sex, conception, birth, and parenting? Isn't it enough to say that God says homosexual acts are wrong, bad, etc. and then say He ordained marriage between a man and a woman as a symbol of the relationship between Christ and His Church? That's good stuff for me and it prevents everybody from having to tap dance around (or just stomp on) the infertile and elderly.
For some in this debate those words are interchangable because despite being a lawyer for the OPPONENTS of same-sex marriage, Charles J. Cooper couldn't be bothered to educate himself on infertility when his whole argument is that gay marriage "will refocus the purpose of marriage and the definition of marriage away from the raising of children and to the emotional needs and desires of adults, of adult couples." The key to marriage, he said, is procreation.
He went on to say (and I quoted part of this as the title of my last post) "even with respect to couples over the age of 55 -- it is very rare that both couples -- both parties to the couple are infertile..." I think Mr. Cooper spends too much time in his office. As we NFPers know, if even one party is infertile, you are both infertile by definition because it takes two to tango. Well, three. Dr. Hilgers tells us that you need good sperm, good egg(s), and good cervical mucus to conceive. In our case, we need more than that 'cause we've got all three and it's a non-starter.
I'm really secretly delighted this whole debate is swallowing up infertiles and spitting them out like a speck of dust in someone's eye. I have joined, not by choice or desire, an extreme minority in human society. I cannot get pregnant, am making zero moves to try and get pregnant through medical intervention, and won't adopt. I am living according to my principles and my faith. I am doing the right thing.
I know that there are bad apples in every bunch but it's very sad to me to see so many people who view their faith as pure and their understanding of it - perfect, throw the proverbial baby out with the bath water (I couldn't help myself.)
I'm starting to realize my voice here on the Internets is important. If I am going to be apart of that tiny minority, I will not shrink away. I will defend the life that has been handed to me and I will advocate for my community.
Because fertility is not required for marriage (never has been), only the ability to complete the marital act. Sometimes, due to defect, disease or age (effects of the fallen world), children do not come from acts which are by their nature ordered toward procreation. (Of course, many couples deemed infertile later do conceive… as the Bible says, "God opens and closes the womb". The creation of children is ultimately in His hands. But the act that makes children is the principle act of marriage; it's what separates marriage from friendship.)First of all, I'm again glad to know that our infertility is because of the "effects of the fallen world." That's strange because God Himself said in Genesis 3:16 (NIV version) because Adam and Eve ate from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, “I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.”
I remember from last Sunday's (Palm Sunday) gospel reading (the Passion) Jesus says in Luke 23:29, "For behold, the days are coming when they will say, ‘Blessed are the barren, and the wombs that never bore, and the breasts that never nursed.’"
And I do appreciate Leila proclaiming that God's favor might fall upon me and I will conceive but I think for most of us infertiles, we've become blue in the face telling fertiles not to tell us that it's "All in God's time." I've always rejected this crazy notion some bloggers have that because they are fertile God favors them more or because they can't get pregnant, God's punishing them for something they did. I categorically reject that theory.
I also contend that sexual intercourse is NOT the principal act of marriage. You might need to initially consumate a marriage to make it a legal marriage. I think you used to be able in some countries or some states to nullify a marriage if you NEVER had sex. But, you don't need to keep knockin' the boots to retain your status as a married person.
If Catholics want to base their argument against gay marriage on procreation i.e., you have heterosexual sex, you get pregnant, you carry a child to term, you give birth to that child, and then you raise that child until age 18 (well, now it's to 25 or more), as the only thing distinguising marriage as a sacred union and in the Church, a sacrament, Houston, we've got a problem.
I think a very mature attitude about a Christian marriage is that it's not about sex. You heard it here first: If you are basing the quality of your marriage on the quality of the sex or having any sex at all, you're shallow. Christian marriage is a vocation!!!! It is one of the greatest opportunities for ministry. If you are encouraging, supporting, and lovingly challenging your spouse in their Christian faith, you are a good husband/wife. You are in a good, holy marriage.
I get that the Church wants to enter into the debate against civil gay marriage. But, why are you divorcing your argument from your faith and making it all about sex, conception, birth, and parenting? Isn't it enough to say that God says homosexual acts are wrong, bad, etc. and then say He ordained marriage between a man and a woman as a symbol of the relationship between Christ and His Church? That's good stuff for me and it prevents everybody from having to tap dance around (or just stomp on) the infertile and elderly.
For some in this debate those words are interchangable because despite being a lawyer for the OPPONENTS of same-sex marriage, Charles J. Cooper couldn't be bothered to educate himself on infertility when his whole argument is that gay marriage "will refocus the purpose of marriage and the definition of marriage away from the raising of children and to the emotional needs and desires of adults, of adult couples." The key to marriage, he said, is procreation.
He went on to say (and I quoted part of this as the title of my last post) "even with respect to couples over the age of 55 -- it is very rare that both couples -- both parties to the couple are infertile..." I think Mr. Cooper spends too much time in his office. As we NFPers know, if even one party is infertile, you are both infertile by definition because it takes two to tango. Well, three. Dr. Hilgers tells us that you need good sperm, good egg(s), and good cervical mucus to conceive. In our case, we need more than that 'cause we've got all three and it's a non-starter.
I'm really secretly delighted this whole debate is swallowing up infertiles and spitting them out like a speck of dust in someone's eye. I have joined, not by choice or desire, an extreme minority in human society. I cannot get pregnant, am making zero moves to try and get pregnant through medical intervention, and won't adopt. I am living according to my principles and my faith. I am doing the right thing.
I know that there are bad apples in every bunch but it's very sad to me to see so many people who view their faith as pure and their understanding of it - perfect, throw the proverbial baby out with the bath water (I couldn't help myself.)
I'm starting to realize my voice here on the Internets is important. If I am going to be apart of that tiny minority, I will not shrink away. I will defend the life that has been handed to me and I will advocate for my community.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
"...it is very rare... that both parties to the couple are infertile"
What?!?! WHAT?!?!?! Oh my gosh. Holy Week and this is the stuff that's going on? Did I just hear the word "infertile" uttered in the United States Supreme Court House? I had to come out of semi-retirement for this. This is big news. And I was really dying for some Catholic bloggers to chime in on this issue, and one in particular didn't disappoint. I was having so much fun being outraged today.
Let's establish some ground rules here. I live in California. I vote. I voted in 2008. I even voted "Yes" on Prop 8. Shocker. Elitist gays don't like that blacks and Latinos tend not to condone gay marriage and they helped Prop 8 pass in 2008 so they take this case to the courts and yo, it ends up in the Supreme Court where it looks likely that the justices won't rule on it. It makes perfect sense to me that the SCOTUS won't rule on something so momentous to our society so soon into the debate. Yes, that's good, sound reasoning.
But what has got me all excited????? It's that the lawyer arguing in favor of Prop 8 tied his whole friggin' argument against gay marriage to the procreation argument. And then the Archbishop of San Francisco jumped on the bandwagon. Really? Is that all these people have?
And holes were punched all through that argument. Kagan asked if the government could deny a marriage license to couples over the age of 55. Would that be unconstitutional? Well, yes it would and the... well, do me a favor and listen to that excerpt of the hearing today.
And Cordileone gets in on the action:
It is so comforting to know that my circumstances are viewed by an archbishop as "disappointing." And "an accident of circumstances." Gosh. And all this time I interpreted my experience as an infertile as devastating, life-altering, crushing, against everything I had believed to be true. My infertility is no more than an accident of circumstances. That's life, suckers. And you are being used as a pawn to support an irrational argument against gay marriage. I can't believe my status as a female, heterosexual, married, Catholic is now tied to gay marriage.
Now, as Catholics we don't have to use half-baked arguments to support heterosexual marriage. Don't get me wrong. Of course, marriage is intended "for the increase of mankind." But, it doesn't stop there. "1605 Holy Scripture affirms that man and woman were created for one another: "It is not good that the man should be alone."92 The woman, "flesh of his flesh," his equal, his nearest in all things, is given to him by God as a "helpmate"; she thus represents God from whom comes our help.93 "Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh."94 The Lord himself shows that this signifies an unbreakable union of their two lives by recalling what the plan of the Creator had been "in the beginning": "So they are no longer two, but one flesh."95"
I took that from the Vatican's website. Yes, I know it's terrible citing of sources. Marriage and the beauty and mystery of marriage has nothing to do with kids. How a man and a woman relate to one another in a marriage is special full-stop. Why a prominent member of the Church and Prop 8 cronies had to cheapen my (childless) marriage for their own purposes is disgusting. To call me an "extreme minority" and toss me aside as an inconvenient outlier to their statistical model is wrong. Infertiles are not the key to your argument against gay marriage. Marriage is between a man and a woman can be defended with better and more compassionate arguments than that.
Let's establish some ground rules here. I live in California. I vote. I voted in 2008. I even voted "Yes" on Prop 8. Shocker. Elitist gays don't like that blacks and Latinos tend not to condone gay marriage and they helped Prop 8 pass in 2008 so they take this case to the courts and yo, it ends up in the Supreme Court where it looks likely that the justices won't rule on it. It makes perfect sense to me that the SCOTUS won't rule on something so momentous to our society so soon into the debate. Yes, that's good, sound reasoning.
But what has got me all excited????? It's that the lawyer arguing in favor of Prop 8 tied his whole friggin' argument against gay marriage to the procreation argument. And then the Archbishop of San Francisco jumped on the bandwagon. Really? Is that all these people have?
And holes were punched all through that argument. Kagan asked if the government could deny a marriage license to couples over the age of 55. Would that be unconstitutional? Well, yes it would and the... well, do me a favor and listen to that excerpt of the hearing today.
And Cordileone gets in on the action:
Q: You have spoken of gay marriage as a "natural impossibility." But in terms of procreation, how does it differ from opposite-sex couples who are elderly or infertile?
A: Our bodies have meaning. The conjugal union of a man and a woman is not a factory to produce babies; marriage seeks to create a total community of love, a "one flesh" union of mind, heart and body that includes a willingness to care for any children their bodily union makes together.
Two men and two women can certainly have a close loving committed emotional relationship, but they can never ever join as one flesh in the unique way a husband and wife do.
Infertility is, as you point out, part of the natural life cycle of marriage (people age!), as well as a challenge and disappointment some husbands and wives have to go through. People who have been married for 50 years are no less married because they can no longer have children.
Adoption can be a wonderful happy ending for children who lack even one parent able or willing to care for them. But notice, when a man and woman cannot have children together, that's an accident of circumstances, the exception to the rule. When a husband and wife adopt, they are mirroring the pattern set in nature itself. ...
Treating same-sex relationships as marriage is the final severing by government of the natural link between marriage and the great task of bringing together male and female to make and raise the next generation together in love.It is so comforting to know that my circumstances are viewed by an archbishop as "disappointing." And "an accident of circumstances." Gosh. And all this time I interpreted my experience as an infertile as devastating, life-altering, crushing, against everything I had believed to be true. My infertility is no more than an accident of circumstances. That's life, suckers. And you are being used as a pawn to support an irrational argument against gay marriage. I can't believe my status as a female, heterosexual, married, Catholic is now tied to gay marriage.
Now, as Catholics we don't have to use half-baked arguments to support heterosexual marriage. Don't get me wrong. Of course, marriage is intended "for the increase of mankind." But, it doesn't stop there. "1605 Holy Scripture affirms that man and woman were created for one another: "It is not good that the man should be alone."92 The woman, "flesh of his flesh," his equal, his nearest in all things, is given to him by God as a "helpmate"; she thus represents God from whom comes our help.93 "Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh."94 The Lord himself shows that this signifies an unbreakable union of their two lives by recalling what the plan of the Creator had been "in the beginning": "So they are no longer two, but one flesh."95"
I took that from the Vatican's website. Yes, I know it's terrible citing of sources. Marriage and the beauty and mystery of marriage has nothing to do with kids. How a man and a woman relate to one another in a marriage is special full-stop. Why a prominent member of the Church and Prop 8 cronies had to cheapen my (childless) marriage for their own purposes is disgusting. To call me an "extreme minority" and toss me aside as an inconvenient outlier to their statistical model is wrong. Infertiles are not the key to your argument against gay marriage. Marriage is between a man and a woman can be defended with better and more compassionate arguments than that.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Break Out
A new Pope from Argentina!!! How cool is that?
I'm now just two days shy of 15 weeks since my last haircut. It grows slowly according to the hairdressers because I'm not taking hair growth vitamins. Heck, if I won't take pre-natal vitamins, I'm sure not doing ones for hair. And my face is relatively long, so I figure I'll only make it to a chin-length bob after 12 months.
Getting back to Sarah's comment on my last post... how I speak or what I write about my husband is the truth how I view it, so it's entirely biased. I get that he come across as difficult but that's only because I tend to write out of pain and not good times. I should probably change that habit, it might make me a more pleasant person, for sure. My view is that we're all jerks at one time or another. I'm a jerk. He's a jerk. It depends on the situation but I think that progress is all we can hope for. It's a journey, not a destination and that's something I try to remind DH every time we hike a mountain summit.
Just today I've come out of a very dark grey fog. But I'm seizing the moment because it feels so good to feel good. :) My husband pointed out this morning that I've been mercilessly complaining about my life when what we have now is what I said I wanted previously. And I just realized it today. And so I'm a jerk. I apologized to him for hurting him with my inconsistency. I guess I can place the blame on the devil. He's been leading me astray for months. Maybe all of the pain of the last two years has finally come to a head and how I manifested the pain was by dragging my husband into Camp Loony. I don't know.
But it has to stop. The Misfit was right on target, along with Sarah, Kat, prayerful journey, and MFAW that the pain I'm feeling is reconciling my real life with what I had hoped for it. I'm forever an Anne of Green Gables fan. She says, "I can't help flying on the wings of anticipation. It almost pays for the thud." Well, my thud was too damn hard. I cannot keep up this version that the life I lead is less than or deprived of the real things I should have, and the real people I should know, and the real experiences I should be having.
As any infertile who reads an entertainment magazine or former infertile blogs, the world can be a scary place. Pregnancies and children are treated like winning the lottery. I'm not negating the fact that children are a blessing. Don't get me wrong. Children are wonderful people. But they are not the key to personal fulfillment and happiness. Well, you know, they might be for some women and men. But knowing what I know about life and risks is that pain exists and you cannot escape it. So, for me, I think I can be just as unhappy with a kid if I let it be that way. So, this is actually a comforting thought. I can use mind over matter.
But what this also means is that I'm quitting the infertile blog business. A lot of infertile bloggers have turned their blog theme into something really cool like decorating, or recipes and cooking. If I had a hobby like that, I think I can make this into something. But my house is already decorated and I only cook from recipes you can easily find yourself in a book or on the Web. Trust me, you don't need me. I'm flexible over how long I'll leave the site up. I'm not sure when I'll post again. I need to clear my head space and I'm pretty sure it'll be easier to do that if I'm not seeing pictures of babies with onesies on them saying, "Future Pope" or "Ladies Man", etc.
You wouldn't know it by reading my blog but I have lots of incredible things going for me. I need to reconnect with my husband. I need to widen my circle of friends (in real life). I need to hike more. You can always reach me at airingthechapel [at] gmail [dot] com. I do check that account sometimes. And I love to write personal emails so drop me a note if you'd like. I promise to write back. :)
I'm now just two days shy of 15 weeks since my last haircut. It grows slowly according to the hairdressers because I'm not taking hair growth vitamins. Heck, if I won't take pre-natal vitamins, I'm sure not doing ones for hair. And my face is relatively long, so I figure I'll only make it to a chin-length bob after 12 months.
Getting back to Sarah's comment on my last post... how I speak or what I write about my husband is the truth how I view it, so it's entirely biased. I get that he come across as difficult but that's only because I tend to write out of pain and not good times. I should probably change that habit, it might make me a more pleasant person, for sure. My view is that we're all jerks at one time or another. I'm a jerk. He's a jerk. It depends on the situation but I think that progress is all we can hope for. It's a journey, not a destination and that's something I try to remind DH every time we hike a mountain summit.
Just today I've come out of a very dark grey fog. But I'm seizing the moment because it feels so good to feel good. :) My husband pointed out this morning that I've been mercilessly complaining about my life when what we have now is what I said I wanted previously. And I just realized it today. And so I'm a jerk. I apologized to him for hurting him with my inconsistency. I guess I can place the blame on the devil. He's been leading me astray for months. Maybe all of the pain of the last two years has finally come to a head and how I manifested the pain was by dragging my husband into Camp Loony. I don't know.
But it has to stop. The Misfit was right on target, along with Sarah, Kat, prayerful journey, and MFAW that the pain I'm feeling is reconciling my real life with what I had hoped for it. I'm forever an Anne of Green Gables fan. She says, "I can't help flying on the wings of anticipation. It almost pays for the thud." Well, my thud was too damn hard. I cannot keep up this version that the life I lead is less than or deprived of the real things I should have, and the real people I should know, and the real experiences I should be having.
As any infertile who reads an entertainment magazine or former infertile blogs, the world can be a scary place. Pregnancies and children are treated like winning the lottery. I'm not negating the fact that children are a blessing. Don't get me wrong. Children are wonderful people. But they are not the key to personal fulfillment and happiness. Well, you know, they might be for some women and men. But knowing what I know about life and risks is that pain exists and you cannot escape it. So, for me, I think I can be just as unhappy with a kid if I let it be that way. So, this is actually a comforting thought. I can use mind over matter.
But what this also means is that I'm quitting the infertile blog business. A lot of infertile bloggers have turned their blog theme into something really cool like decorating, or recipes and cooking. If I had a hobby like that, I think I can make this into something. But my house is already decorated and I only cook from recipes you can easily find yourself in a book or on the Web. Trust me, you don't need me. I'm flexible over how long I'll leave the site up. I'm not sure when I'll post again. I need to clear my head space and I'm pretty sure it'll be easier to do that if I'm not seeing pictures of babies with onesies on them saying, "Future Pope" or "Ladies Man", etc.
You wouldn't know it by reading my blog but I have lots of incredible things going for me. I need to reconnect with my husband. I need to widen my circle of friends (in real life). I need to hike more. You can always reach me at airingthechapel [at] gmail [dot] com. I do check that account sometimes. And I love to write personal emails so drop me a note if you'd like. I promise to write back. :)
Sunday, March 3, 2013
"Your" Infertility
I've been away from blogging for a while. It's not due to Lent. I'm not convinced God think's it's spiritual growth to disassociate from the Net but I'm not questioning somebody who does. I've been away just because there have been so many bad things happening in my life I didn't want to detail them here and I no longer write at work, so it doesn't leave many opportunities to blog.
I have plans to call Dr. Elizabeth tomorrow morning to sit down and chat with her and get some ideas about next steps with my health. I keep trying to get better on my own but I slip back easily (even when I take expensive vacations) and it's not getting better to the point where I can get back to a normal life. Cryptic much?
My husband would not support any part of what I'm about to write but he doesn't read my blog at all-he doesn't know the URL so I need not worry about him judging me here. Yeah, it's great he's back but life is not a fairy tale. My biggest problems right now are exceeding pressure at work with no corresponding promotion or raise, the fact that I have no meaningful support networks, and I continue to struggle at some level with infertility.
In an argument today, my husband was retelling me what I think my problems are and he said the words, "your infertility... uh, our infertility...." But as any married woman knows, the latter part although it came a mere fraction of a second after the former part, was much too late. I get reinforcements EVERYWHERE that infertility is MY problem. My parents continue, mostly from my mother to freeze my eggs, get IVF, do something, anything other than what I'm doing now which is nothing. Apparently, doing nothing in this, my culture is not acceptable. I'm not sure that attitude is isolated to the secular community. Catholicism can dish it out, too with NaPro. Jeez, it's been forever since I wrote that abbreviation. How many bloggers are out there that are doing nothing on the fertility front? Two? Yes, it's isolating.
And I'm 35. I'm not idiotic to not think about dwindling chances. I mean, if I throw in the towel now, have I forever fucked myself over? When I'm 45 will the crushing regret reveal itself? The truly sad part about this is that it has nothing to do with a kid, a person, or parenthood. It's about shedding the stigma of infertility. I mentioned two days ago to a woman I had just met with six terrific kids which I was lucky enough to hang out with for a few hours that I was infertile. She offered up the forever reassuring story about her sister that couldn't get pregnant, tried IVF a couple times, gave up, and a couple years later got pregnant and actually gave birth to a living, healthy child. Wow! Who hasn't heard that story before. The mother of six also told me that she had two miscarriages in her twenties, thought she'd never have kids, and look at her now. Her Marine husband also recently abandoned the entire family, but no matter, the kids are great!
Miscarriage is one of those topics I feel is truly being talked about and women are getting support from lots of different places; friends, media. In Mass, during prayers of the faithful, you can put in "Baby so-and-so" as a deceased person and everybody understands that, that is a terrible pain. But at least you can give that pain a name. Not so with infertility. It's nebulous because if you never get pregnant, you don't register especially in Catholicism where conception is king. The personhood movement is predicated on "the moment of conception." If you never get to that point, what are you?
The truth is that every month we try to get pregnant and fail, I'm having a miscarriage. It's the thought that counts, right? If my intention, my whole desire and actions are to get pregnant, and I don't, it's a miscarriage. I'm often tempted to put in my Baby [ATC's surname] into the prayers for the deceased. I'm entitled.
Ok, let's get to the second problem. During the six months that my husband lived elsewhere, not one of his friends called me for any reason; to get-together, to see how I was doing, to check in. Nothing. And now that's he's back, we're just back to good! It's like the whole social experience was dependent on my husband. I told him last weekend that at least I can now foreshadow what it'll be like when he dies. Nobody will be around for me (save my family and my handful of close friends.) Why the hell did we invite anybody to our wedding? What a waste of money. If the people who witness this all-important vow in front of God and company don't get around to paying the slightest bit of attention to you, what was the point? We should have eloped to Vegas and has our union blessed during a regular, week-day Mass. At least with strangers present, I wouldn't have expected anybody to follow up.
And maybe all of this is because I'm 35. I'm coming into a lot of awareness about my own values. Not my husband's, not my family's, not my company's. Proclaiming self-determination while married is indeed a struggle. I can list all of my demographic characteristics and that wouldn't tell you who I am. I'm not an archetype.
I have plans to call Dr. Elizabeth tomorrow morning to sit down and chat with her and get some ideas about next steps with my health. I keep trying to get better on my own but I slip back easily (even when I take expensive vacations) and it's not getting better to the point where I can get back to a normal life. Cryptic much?
My husband would not support any part of what I'm about to write but he doesn't read my blog at all-he doesn't know the URL so I need not worry about him judging me here. Yeah, it's great he's back but life is not a fairy tale. My biggest problems right now are exceeding pressure at work with no corresponding promotion or raise, the fact that I have no meaningful support networks, and I continue to struggle at some level with infertility.
In an argument today, my husband was retelling me what I think my problems are and he said the words, "your infertility... uh, our infertility...." But as any married woman knows, the latter part although it came a mere fraction of a second after the former part, was much too late. I get reinforcements EVERYWHERE that infertility is MY problem. My parents continue, mostly from my mother to freeze my eggs, get IVF, do something, anything other than what I'm doing now which is nothing. Apparently, doing nothing in this, my culture is not acceptable. I'm not sure that attitude is isolated to the secular community. Catholicism can dish it out, too with NaPro. Jeez, it's been forever since I wrote that abbreviation. How many bloggers are out there that are doing nothing on the fertility front? Two? Yes, it's isolating.
And I'm 35. I'm not idiotic to not think about dwindling chances. I mean, if I throw in the towel now, have I forever fucked myself over? When I'm 45 will the crushing regret reveal itself? The truly sad part about this is that it has nothing to do with a kid, a person, or parenthood. It's about shedding the stigma of infertility. I mentioned two days ago to a woman I had just met with six terrific kids which I was lucky enough to hang out with for a few hours that I was infertile. She offered up the forever reassuring story about her sister that couldn't get pregnant, tried IVF a couple times, gave up, and a couple years later got pregnant and actually gave birth to a living, healthy child. Wow! Who hasn't heard that story before. The mother of six also told me that she had two miscarriages in her twenties, thought she'd never have kids, and look at her now. Her Marine husband also recently abandoned the entire family, but no matter, the kids are great!
Miscarriage is one of those topics I feel is truly being talked about and women are getting support from lots of different places; friends, media. In Mass, during prayers of the faithful, you can put in "Baby so-and-so" as a deceased person and everybody understands that, that is a terrible pain. But at least you can give that pain a name. Not so with infertility. It's nebulous because if you never get pregnant, you don't register especially in Catholicism where conception is king. The personhood movement is predicated on "the moment of conception." If you never get to that point, what are you?
The truth is that every month we try to get pregnant and fail, I'm having a miscarriage. It's the thought that counts, right? If my intention, my whole desire and actions are to get pregnant, and I don't, it's a miscarriage. I'm often tempted to put in my Baby [ATC's surname] into the prayers for the deceased. I'm entitled.
Ok, let's get to the second problem. During the six months that my husband lived elsewhere, not one of his friends called me for any reason; to get-together, to see how I was doing, to check in. Nothing. And now that's he's back, we're just back to good! It's like the whole social experience was dependent on my husband. I told him last weekend that at least I can now foreshadow what it'll be like when he dies. Nobody will be around for me (save my family and my handful of close friends.) Why the hell did we invite anybody to our wedding? What a waste of money. If the people who witness this all-important vow in front of God and company don't get around to paying the slightest bit of attention to you, what was the point? We should have eloped to Vegas and has our union blessed during a regular, week-day Mass. At least with strangers present, I wouldn't have expected anybody to follow up.
And maybe all of this is because I'm 35. I'm coming into a lot of awareness about my own values. Not my husband's, not my family's, not my company's. Proclaiming self-determination while married is indeed a struggle. I can list all of my demographic characteristics and that wouldn't tell you who I am. I'm not an archetype.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Proserpina
Thank you so much for your prayers. Things have calmed down a bit, I guess. I shared my concerns about my mother with her doctor's office manager. We talked on Thursday. She said she'd talk to the dr. who I should probably name however I don't want a libel suit against me. However, I didn't hear from the manager on Friday. I'll try to reach her next week.
My father continues to insist this third party relationship was not physical. I'm actually starting to believe him. I think it was a close, albeit inappropriate friendship. No one is to say what's unacceptable to any person/spouse. But I think my father was driven to talk to someone sympathetic. Either way, my parents are not good for one another right now.
I had lunch with my father yesterday. He said he appreciated that I and one of my siblings had taken his side in this. :) I said emphatically, we're not taking anybody's side (other than God's). Everybody's a sinner and both he and my mother have made mistakes and created problems. So, I told him not to take that attitude that he's in the right and she's in the wrong.
My dad's seeing a doctor on Monday to make an initial assessment of his cognitive abilities. I guess I'm dismayed that my parents are having problems of this nature at a relatively young age. Their parents were just have kinda similar problems between 10 and 5 years ago. So, not hardly a generational gap. I thought I'd have at least another 10-15 years before I had to deal with elder care issues.
I'm very impressed that my brothers and sisters have all taken significant action. We all finally agree for the first time in our lives. I'm happy about that.
My husband gave notice yesterday and will start his new job in two weeks. He told his parents last night and they were concerned about the "stability" of this new job. Heck, what's stable anyway these days? We're meeting in the middle tomorrow for brunch and his brother is at the family home so right now, the four of them are cozy together. I'll let them have their nuclear family this weekend.
My school is going OK. Keeping up with everything alright so far. I am thinking about contesting the writing exam requirement since I've already written eight papers and did the first two with a perfect score so why do I need to take a $35 test? What a joke.
All in all I'm feeling pretty happy. Just because things in life are bad on a relative basis, I think there's a lot you can be positive about. So, I'm positive. I'm grateful for the pain because so far, I and we have always emerged. And God continues to bless me in incredible ways. I'm thankful today.
My father continues to insist this third party relationship was not physical. I'm actually starting to believe him. I think it was a close, albeit inappropriate friendship. No one is to say what's unacceptable to any person/spouse. But I think my father was driven to talk to someone sympathetic. Either way, my parents are not good for one another right now.
I had lunch with my father yesterday. He said he appreciated that I and one of my siblings had taken his side in this. :) I said emphatically, we're not taking anybody's side (other than God's). Everybody's a sinner and both he and my mother have made mistakes and created problems. So, I told him not to take that attitude that he's in the right and she's in the wrong.
My dad's seeing a doctor on Monday to make an initial assessment of his cognitive abilities. I guess I'm dismayed that my parents are having problems of this nature at a relatively young age. Their parents were just have kinda similar problems between 10 and 5 years ago. So, not hardly a generational gap. I thought I'd have at least another 10-15 years before I had to deal with elder care issues.
I'm very impressed that my brothers and sisters have all taken significant action. We all finally agree for the first time in our lives. I'm happy about that.
My husband gave notice yesterday and will start his new job in two weeks. He told his parents last night and they were concerned about the "stability" of this new job. Heck, what's stable anyway these days? We're meeting in the middle tomorrow for brunch and his brother is at the family home so right now, the four of them are cozy together. I'll let them have their nuclear family this weekend.
My school is going OK. Keeping up with everything alright so far. I am thinking about contesting the writing exam requirement since I've already written eight papers and did the first two with a perfect score so why do I need to take a $35 test? What a joke.
All in all I'm feeling pretty happy. Just because things in life are bad on a relative basis, I think there's a lot you can be positive about. So, I'm positive. I'm grateful for the pain because so far, I and we have always emerged. And God continues to bless me in incredible ways. I'm thankful today.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
End of the Innocence
On Friday my mother told me my father has engaged in a twenty year affair. My father has told me and my siblings different stories about the state of my parents marriage and this third party so I don't know what to believe. I have always considered my father the better parent and really my hero in life just after my husband. To say I'm devastated is taking it a bit too far but I am very confused and sad for our entire family including the small children who will live with the shame to some extent for the rest of their lives.
What doesn't make sense is that my father was always around. He's still around. He has been what I consider a very devoted partner for my mother. No child, no matter how old should hear what I've heard from my mother. She's devastated but I think, is only making matters worse. I think she's in shock. They are not open to my advice. I suggested they go to Retrouvaille because, believe me, many of those couple have survived affairs. They know what the pain feels like. But it's not really pain, it's insanity. You lose all sense of reality when your spouse cheats on you. However, my mother made it freakingly clear in a terribly articulate voice, "This is not a problem with our marriage. It is your father's problem." Sadly, this is not true.
So, I feel a tremendous amount of compassion towards both of them, mostly my mother although my Retrouvaille friends suggest I show love towards my father which I haven't been able to do the last few days.
OK, so here's the really dirty secret. For at least eight years, my mother has been a d.rug add.ict. Presc.ription dru.gs but dru.gs nonetheless. She's been practically ho.me bou.nd for the same period of time. I had tried to do an intervention about five or six years ago but my father would not participate and the interventionist said, "No spouse, no go." Just last week I asked my father to take some action and he refused. He always says my mother is too smart to go along with treatment. Intelligence only gets you so far.
Secrets abound in my family. I learn something new everyday about what random family member confessed to another but nobody knows if what was confessed is the truth. I never had a perfect family but I thought it was pretty good.
I called my mother today to ask her, naively, how she was doing. She said my father needed to see a geriatric doctor. I asked her who would make the appointment. "You or your sis.ter. I've been cheated on for twenty years, why should I do it?" My siblings, in my view, don't take as much action as me. I won't detail the ridiculous issue they've chosen to focus on to distract them from real life issues. I can't bring myself to actually type the words. Believe me, it's crazy. But my mother hung up on me and told me I'd said a horrible thing about my sibling. I guess I'm in the dog house now.
I pray every chance I get. It's practically every minute. I resolved not to call them for at least a few days. I thought about sending a card just to say, "I love you both. I and lots of other people are praying for you."
I'm open to good advice. It's been clear just how important God can be to a person. If you keep God in mind, how can you do wrong?
What doesn't make sense is that my father was always around. He's still around. He has been what I consider a very devoted partner for my mother. No child, no matter how old should hear what I've heard from my mother. She's devastated but I think, is only making matters worse. I think she's in shock. They are not open to my advice. I suggested they go to Retrouvaille because, believe me, many of those couple have survived affairs. They know what the pain feels like. But it's not really pain, it's insanity. You lose all sense of reality when your spouse cheats on you. However, my mother made it freakingly clear in a terribly articulate voice, "This is not a problem with our marriage. It is your father's problem." Sadly, this is not true.
So, I feel a tremendous amount of compassion towards both of them, mostly my mother although my Retrouvaille friends suggest I show love towards my father which I haven't been able to do the last few days.
OK, so here's the really dirty secret. For at least eight years, my mother has been a d.rug add.ict. Presc.ription dru.gs but dru.gs nonetheless. She's been practically ho.me bou.nd for the same period of time. I had tried to do an intervention about five or six years ago but my father would not participate and the interventionist said, "No spouse, no go." Just last week I asked my father to take some action and he refused. He always says my mother is too smart to go along with treatment. Intelligence only gets you so far.
Secrets abound in my family. I learn something new everyday about what random family member confessed to another but nobody knows if what was confessed is the truth. I never had a perfect family but I thought it was pretty good.
I called my mother today to ask her, naively, how she was doing. She said my father needed to see a geriatric doctor. I asked her who would make the appointment. "You or your sis.ter. I've been cheated on for twenty years, why should I do it?" My siblings, in my view, don't take as much action as me. I won't detail the ridiculous issue they've chosen to focus on to distract them from real life issues. I can't bring myself to actually type the words. Believe me, it's crazy. But my mother hung up on me and told me I'd said a horrible thing about my sibling. I guess I'm in the dog house now.
I pray every chance I get. It's practically every minute. I resolved not to call them for at least a few days. I thought about sending a card just to say, "I love you both. I and lots of other people are praying for you."
I'm open to good advice. It's been clear just how important God can be to a person. If you keep God in mind, how can you do wrong?
Monday, January 14, 2013
Thank you! Blogger Angels
You ladies did it!!!! My husband got a verbal offer today. And it's very good and we're taking the night off to bask in the glow of success and will discuss the logistics tomorrow. Besides, I have a paper to finish tonight. So, your selfless prayers did this. I'm convinced.
And most importantly, my weekend was horrible. Really bad. I couldn't get to sleep last night because I had a hard time forgiving myself for what I'd done. However, I was so glad I posted Saturday evening. Because your comments that you so quickly posted lifted me out of an extreme sadness. You saved me. You did. And I love you. I couldn't believe what being a part of this virtual community has done for me and my faith. What you do in taking care of your husbands, your kids, your families, and your friends is truly godly. And the fact that you offer prayers for little ole me is astonishing. So, I give thanks to God for you. Despite all my faults and bad deeds, the love keeps coming from all corners. And I love my infertile blogger corner. :)
And most importantly, my weekend was horrible. Really bad. I couldn't get to sleep last night because I had a hard time forgiving myself for what I'd done. However, I was so glad I posted Saturday evening. Because your comments that you so quickly posted lifted me out of an extreme sadness. You saved me. You did. And I love you. I couldn't believe what being a part of this virtual community has done for me and my faith. What you do in taking care of your husbands, your kids, your families, and your friends is truly godly. And the fact that you offer prayers for little ole me is astonishing. So, I give thanks to God for you. Despite all my faults and bad deeds, the love keeps coming from all corners. And I love my infertile blogger corner. :)
Saturday, January 12, 2013
I can't get joy
The plans for my husband to take this job closer to home is still in the works. Maybe we'll hear something definite next week. Two weeks ago, I started my masters program so my desire to write in my blog has not been so acute. Learning again how to write a research paper caused quite a bit of anxiety. Essentially, all my free time is taken up by my classes so this is a definite shift in my life. I really hope it will be worth it down the road. I'm still not convinced higher education is not a total conspiracy and I'm just contributing to it. The thousands of dollars flowing out my bank account doesn't feel good but it does make me work harder since it's our money!
Oh, and a tidbit I thought was interesting. Apparently, those Americans that take the adoption tax credit are more likely to be audited by the IRS. Another way to kick a hard-working, loving couples down. So, you can thank King Putin and the American government for supporting you in your desire to love and raise a child that desperately needs it.
Oh, and a tidbit I thought was interesting. Apparently, those Americans that take the adoption tax credit are more likely to be audited by the IRS. Another way to kick a hard-working, loving couples down. So, you can thank King Putin and the American government for supporting you in your desire to love and raise a child that desperately needs it.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
It made me stronger.
Wow, everything's gone to hell and a hand basket. I don't know anybody who had a good weekend. If you didn't experience the insomnia of endlessly thinking about screaming, terrified children being murdered, there's definitely something wrong with you. I'm a proponent of gun ownership but I'm totally behind practical, real ways to get guns out of the hands of evil people who want to terrorize our population, local and global.
I got my period yesterday and although, let me be honest, I prayed not to be pregnant, and I'm happy I'm not, I'm still totally amazed that we can have awesome sex multiple times during the "fertile" time and never a blip in my scheduled period. Incredible. We're both technically fertile but overwhelmingly not so. The reason I prayed so fervently is that the travel insurance I bought for our trip to Africa next year didn't include a pregnancy clause. Only a pregnancy complication clause. And of course, living solo doesn't make me a great candidate for motherhood.
Speaking of that, good news! My husband got a call today from the "local (hey, where I am) company he applied for and almost got the job but their funding hadn't come through" company and said they want to meet about offering him the job!!!!!!!!! Of course, my husband has salary requirements (who doesn't?) but we are still having a drink this Saturday to celebrate the promising news. We were going to drink anyway since Saturday is the sixth anniversary of our first real date. I call real when he first kissed me. That took work and so I have every right to celebrate my victory in landing this guy!
So, I think ATC and her husband deserve to live together again and if you agree please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, PRAY for us! I'd really like to have him back. That'd be very nice. I always have big things happen to me in January so this feels right.
I kept meaning to write about this but I started running back in August and it felt great until the start of fall but now it feels like maintenance. I can comfortably run a 5K at a nine minute mile pace. I think that's OK. I should have run tonight but I'm on my period, eating nothing but high fat foods, and lots of chocolate so screw it. Screw it for a week or two.
More news to come....
I got my period yesterday and although, let me be honest, I prayed not to be pregnant, and I'm happy I'm not, I'm still totally amazed that we can have awesome sex multiple times during the "fertile" time and never a blip in my scheduled period. Incredible. We're both technically fertile but overwhelmingly not so. The reason I prayed so fervently is that the travel insurance I bought for our trip to Africa next year didn't include a pregnancy clause. Only a pregnancy complication clause. And of course, living solo doesn't make me a great candidate for motherhood.
Speaking of that, good news! My husband got a call today from the "local (hey, where I am) company he applied for and almost got the job but their funding hadn't come through" company and said they want to meet about offering him the job!!!!!!!!! Of course, my husband has salary requirements (who doesn't?) but we are still having a drink this Saturday to celebrate the promising news. We were going to drink anyway since Saturday is the sixth anniversary of our first real date. I call real when he first kissed me. That took work and so I have every right to celebrate my victory in landing this guy!
So, I think ATC and her husband deserve to live together again and if you agree please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, please, PRAY for us! I'd really like to have him back. That'd be very nice. I always have big things happen to me in January so this feels right.
I kept meaning to write about this but I started running back in August and it felt great until the start of fall but now it feels like maintenance. I can comfortably run a 5K at a nine minute mile pace. I think that's OK. I should have run tonight but I'm on my period, eating nothing but high fat foods, and lots of chocolate so screw it. Screw it for a week or two.
More news to come....
Saturday, December 8, 2012
Every Day Matters
This was a big week for me. On Monday, I went back to a "regular" work schedule, the one where I don't get two days off per month by working an extra hour every day. I had just switched to that schedule in August when my husband left for his new job. I realized working longer hours just for the sake of it (meaning, I didn't have pressing tasks that were keeping me at the office at night) didn't work for me at all. Because that extra hour a day means a great deal to me. I can exercise at a decent hour, eat dinner at the right time, sleep a little longer in the morning. You now know how important sleep is to me.
Besides, if I need a day off to do something special, I'll take a day off. Easy.
Tuesday night, my husband and I wasted over an hour arguing about stupid stuff on the phone. And it was a total waste of time. I've had a lot of "rock bottoms" lately but this one was pretty significant. I felt horrible afterwards. And angry. I journaled in handwriting on paper (really!) about how unhappy I was and how deprived I felt in this marriage. I even spent some amount of time on Wednesday reading an article on my bank website called "Thinking About Calling It Quits With Your Spouse?"
After getting through the article and especially reading some of the comments members had left, I was convinced a marital split would compound my existing problems, not make them any better. So praise God for some of those members who said divorce wasn't worth it and to stick it out. And God turned my heart around on Wednesday. I gave thanks to have a view of marriage that isn't all about me and my fulfillment despite subconscious and cultural beliefs that reinforce that idea. And the pull is strong.
I made a very conscious effort Thursday morning to find ways to cope. Healthy ways to live my life honorably and to do the best I could with the life I'd been given. Yes, this sounds sappy but I can't give a better description. And I'm the first to say that infertility and separation are very hard to cope with. I'm living proof. But, I know that some people at my church are dealing with much harder things. For example, I have a friend whose husband just left her. He lives in the same town and they talk all the time. He doesn't make any move towards divorce but she was left nevertheless. I know this is very painful for her. But she is a faithful woman who spends a lot of time in prayer to give her husband a heart to love Jesus.
And I realized that my choices were for no one else to judge. I'm not living a perceived archetype. My husband went to a Christmas party last night with his parents. He's known this family (the party hosts) for a very long time and ran into one of the sisters he had a big crush on when they were younger. He said she said, "it must be so great to be back with your parents. Your mom must be so happy."
I resolved not to get upset while he told the story. Because I'd done that already and what's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. So, I listened. Then he said he was talking to the matriarch and told her I had applied for a job and got pretty close to getting it but no cigar. She said, "Well, it's important to be near your husband and she might just have to take anything." :)
Ok, so I got a little upset at that. Because my husband, when he was looking for a job, wouldn't accept just anything. He was looking for something that matched his experience, his education, and his ambition. So, what's good for the goose is good for the gander, right? I'm not leaving my job that is going so great and interrupt an upward career trajectory. And that's what we're committed to.
My husband remind me that these people are simple (his word) and none of the women in the family work. So, respecting a career woman is not on their radar. I should mention the Crush said in response to hearing we can't get pregnant, "You can always adopt." So their empathy track record is not so good.
I told my husband that I didn't expect to be counter-culture. I was going to get married, have kids, work, but my husband's job would always be more important, etc. You know, what the culture expects of you. But, now we're working against the system and it takes wisdom (that I don't think I have yet) to live your life and not always argue with the people who want to gossip about you or try to subtly bring you down. This is going to take work.
Besides, if I need a day off to do something special, I'll take a day off. Easy.
Tuesday night, my husband and I wasted over an hour arguing about stupid stuff on the phone. And it was a total waste of time. I've had a lot of "rock bottoms" lately but this one was pretty significant. I felt horrible afterwards. And angry. I journaled in handwriting on paper (really!) about how unhappy I was and how deprived I felt in this marriage. I even spent some amount of time on Wednesday reading an article on my bank website called "Thinking About Calling It Quits With Your Spouse?"
After getting through the article and especially reading some of the comments members had left, I was convinced a marital split would compound my existing problems, not make them any better. So praise God for some of those members who said divorce wasn't worth it and to stick it out. And God turned my heart around on Wednesday. I gave thanks to have a view of marriage that isn't all about me and my fulfillment despite subconscious and cultural beliefs that reinforce that idea. And the pull is strong.
I made a very conscious effort Thursday morning to find ways to cope. Healthy ways to live my life honorably and to do the best I could with the life I'd been given. Yes, this sounds sappy but I can't give a better description. And I'm the first to say that infertility and separation are very hard to cope with. I'm living proof. But, I know that some people at my church are dealing with much harder things. For example, I have a friend whose husband just left her. He lives in the same town and they talk all the time. He doesn't make any move towards divorce but she was left nevertheless. I know this is very painful for her. But she is a faithful woman who spends a lot of time in prayer to give her husband a heart to love Jesus.
And I realized that my choices were for no one else to judge. I'm not living a perceived archetype. My husband went to a Christmas party last night with his parents. He's known this family (the party hosts) for a very long time and ran into one of the sisters he had a big crush on when they were younger. He said she said, "it must be so great to be back with your parents. Your mom must be so happy."
I resolved not to get upset while he told the story. Because I'd done that already and what's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. So, I listened. Then he said he was talking to the matriarch and told her I had applied for a job and got pretty close to getting it but no cigar. She said, "Well, it's important to be near your husband and she might just have to take anything." :)
Ok, so I got a little upset at that. Because my husband, when he was looking for a job, wouldn't accept just anything. He was looking for something that matched his experience, his education, and his ambition. So, what's good for the goose is good for the gander, right? I'm not leaving my job that is going so great and interrupt an upward career trajectory. And that's what we're committed to.
My husband remind me that these people are simple (his word) and none of the women in the family work. So, respecting a career woman is not on their radar. I should mention the Crush said in response to hearing we can't get pregnant, "You can always adopt." So their empathy track record is not so good.
I told my husband that I didn't expect to be counter-culture. I was going to get married, have kids, work, but my husband's job would always be more important, etc. You know, what the culture expects of you. But, now we're working against the system and it takes wisdom (that I don't think I have yet) to live your life and not always argue with the people who want to gossip about you or try to subtly bring you down. This is going to take work.
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