Break Out

A new Pope from Argentina!!!  How cool is that?

I'm now just two days shy of 15 weeks since my last haircut.  It grows slowly according to the hairdressers because I'm not taking hair growth vitamins.  Heck, if I won't take pre-natal vitamins, I'm sure not doing ones for hair.  And my face is relatively long, so I figure I'll only make it to a chin-length bob after 12 months.

Getting back to Sarah's comment on my last post... how I speak or what I write about my husband is the truth how I view it, so it's entirely biased.  I get that he come across as difficult but that's only because I tend to write out of pain and not good times.  I should probably change that habit, it might make me a more pleasant person, for sure.  My view is that we're all jerks at one time or another.  I'm a jerk.  He's a jerk.  It depends on the situation but I think that progress is all we can hope for.  It's a journey, not a destination and that's something I try to remind DH every time we hike a mountain summit.

Just today I've come out of a very dark grey fog.  But I'm seizing the moment because it feels so good to feel good. :)  My husband pointed out this morning that I've been mercilessly complaining about my life when what we have now is what I said I wanted previously.  And I just realized it today.  And so I'm a jerk.  I apologized to him for hurting him with my inconsistency.  I guess I can place the blame on the devil.  He's been leading me astray for months.  Maybe all of the pain of the last two years has finally come to a head and how I manifested the pain was by dragging my husband into Camp Loony.  I don't know.

But it has to stop.  The Misfit was right on target, along with Sarah, Kat, prayerful journey, and MFAW that the pain I'm feeling is reconciling my real life with what I had hoped for it.  I'm forever an Anne of Green Gables fan.  She says, "I can't help flying on the wings of anticipation.  It almost pays for the thud."  Well, my thud was too damn hard.  I cannot keep up this version that the life I lead is less than or deprived of the real things I should have, and the real people I should know, and the real experiences I should be having.

As any infertile who reads an entertainment magazine or former infertile blogs, the world can be a scary place.  Pregnancies and children are treated like winning the lottery.  I'm not negating the fact that children are a blessing.  Don't get me wrong.  Children are wonderful people.  But they are not the key to personal fulfillment and happiness.  Well, you know, they might be for some women and men.  But knowing what I know about life and risks is that pain exists and you cannot escape it.  So, for me, I think I can be just as unhappy with a kid if I let it be that way.  So, this is actually a comforting thought.  I can use mind over matter.

But what this also means is that I'm quitting the infertile blog business.  A lot of infertile bloggers have turned their blog theme into something really cool like decorating, or recipes and cooking.  If I had a hobby like that, I think I can make this into something.  But my house is already decorated and I only cook from recipes you can easily find yourself in a book or on the Web.  Trust me, you don't need me.  I'm flexible over how long I'll leave the site up.  I'm not sure when I'll post again.  I need to clear my head space and I'm pretty sure it'll be easier to do that if I'm not seeing pictures of babies with onesies on them saying, "Future Pope" or "Ladies Man", etc.

You wouldn't know it by reading my blog but I have lots of incredible things going for me.  I need to reconnect with my husband.  I need to widen my circle of friends (in real life).  I need to hike more.  You can always reach me at airingthechapel [at] gmail [dot] com.  I do check that account sometimes.  And I love to write personal emails so drop me a note if you'd like.  I promise to write back. :)