Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Break Out

A new Pope from Argentina!!!  How cool is that?

I'm now just two days shy of 15 weeks since my last haircut.  It grows slowly according to the hairdressers because I'm not taking hair growth vitamins.  Heck, if I won't take pre-natal vitamins, I'm sure not doing ones for hair.  And my face is relatively long, so I figure I'll only make it to a chin-length bob after 12 months.

Getting back to Sarah's comment on my last post... how I speak or what I write about my husband is the truth how I view it, so it's entirely biased.  I get that he come across as difficult but that's only because I tend to write out of pain and not good times.  I should probably change that habit, it might make me a more pleasant person, for sure.  My view is that we're all jerks at one time or another.  I'm a jerk.  He's a jerk.  It depends on the situation but I think that progress is all we can hope for.  It's a journey, not a destination and that's something I try to remind DH every time we hike a mountain summit.

Just today I've come out of a very dark grey fog.  But I'm seizing the moment because it feels so good to feel good. :)  My husband pointed out this morning that I've been mercilessly complaining about my life when what we have now is what I said I wanted previously.  And I just realized it today.  And so I'm a jerk.  I apologized to him for hurting him with my inconsistency.  I guess I can place the blame on the devil.  He's been leading me astray for months.  Maybe all of the pain of the last two years has finally come to a head and how I manifested the pain was by dragging my husband into Camp Loony.  I don't know.

But it has to stop.  The Misfit was right on target, along with Sarah, Kat, prayerful journey, and MFAW that the pain I'm feeling is reconciling my real life with what I had hoped for it.  I'm forever an Anne of Green Gables fan.  She says, "I can't help flying on the wings of anticipation.  It almost pays for the thud."  Well, my thud was too damn hard.  I cannot keep up this version that the life I lead is less than or deprived of the real things I should have, and the real people I should know, and the real experiences I should be having.

As any infertile who reads an entertainment magazine or former infertile blogs, the world can be a scary place.  Pregnancies and children are treated like winning the lottery.  I'm not negating the fact that children are a blessing.  Don't get me wrong.  Children are wonderful people.  But they are not the key to personal fulfillment and happiness.  Well, you know, they might be for some women and men.  But knowing what I know about life and risks is that pain exists and you cannot escape it.  So, for me, I think I can be just as unhappy with a kid if I let it be that way.  So, this is actually a comforting thought.  I can use mind over matter.

But what this also means is that I'm quitting the infertile blog business.  A lot of infertile bloggers have turned their blog theme into something really cool like decorating, or recipes and cooking.  If I had a hobby like that, I think I can make this into something.  But my house is already decorated and I only cook from recipes you can easily find yourself in a book or on the Web.  Trust me, you don't need me.  I'm flexible over how long I'll leave the site up.  I'm not sure when I'll post again.  I need to clear my head space and I'm pretty sure it'll be easier to do that if I'm not seeing pictures of babies with onesies on them saying, "Future Pope" or "Ladies Man", etc.

You wouldn't know it by reading my blog but I have lots of incredible things going for me.  I need to reconnect with my husband.  I need to widen my circle of friends (in real life).  I need to hike more.  You can always reach me at airingthechapel [at] gmail [dot] com.  I do check that account sometimes.  And I love to write personal emails so drop me a note if you'd like.  I promise to write back. :)


  1. I love Anne of Green Gables too and that quote is awesome. Thanks for using definitely hits home right now for various reasons. Oh, I am glad you are keeping your e-mail active...if you aren't going to write here, well then I shall have to bug you on occasion via e-mail. :) I know we don't always agree on issues, but I for one have always admired your tenacity of spirit and your fortitude. You are one strong woman and I am glad to have gotten to know a small piece of you over the last couple of years.

    And yes, you are completely right, children, spouses, the perfect house, the best recipe - a freaking cooking show - none of it can lead to personal fulfillment or happiness, I believe that has to come from within. Yeah, those things or whatever else you want to add to the list can help, but they can't do it all and it actually could turn into a burden one would be placing on that other person, object to be that source of happiness. Thanks for the insight!

    And yeah, an Argentine Pope - I think it is really cool too!

  2. Yay for the new Pope! I understand about leaving the blogosphere although you will be missed! I agree that children are not the be all end all to life although it seems like many people in the Catholic world project that attitude. I have come to recently learn of Anne of Green Gables and I love the series now! You will continue to be in my prayers. It would be nice to do a meet up in real life if you are in SoCal :)

    1. Wretched blogger ate my comment.

      (1) I found the IF blogosphere uplifting when I started - realizing I wasn't alone. Thereafter I found it a cross - an even higher rate of harassment via other people's babies than real life, with the added provocation that these people should know better and refused to. Now, I find it more or less an equal provocation with the rest of the planet, and I can ignore both about equally, on good days. (Which does make me wonder why I invest time here.)

      (2) I am sad to lose even one childless infertile blogger - we are woefully underrepresented. (That's one of the reasons I keep blogging, even if my blog is now running several personalities at once.)

      (3) The bottom line is, of course, that you need to do what helps you find peace and joy. I will miss you, but trust that you are living a more fruitful life away from here! (And I can check in via email!)

      (4) Vivat Papa Franciscus!

  3. I think the goal of any infertile is to stop thinking of ourselves as "infertiles" whether that's because we've conceived, adopted, or have learned to flourish in a child-free life. No need for an infertility blog if infertility is no longer a primary identity.

    Spread those wings!

  4. I actually did not blog for a long while there but realized I enjoyed reading about other peoples drama....and I went back into it. I only read a few mommie blogs now but I still like that connection to other IF's nice to see that we are all flourishing without are right...IF doesn't define us or end our lives! God is good!!!!! My life w/o children has opened up so many other doors to things I'd never imagined I'd be becoming a teacher. Who knew? My dh and I are closer to God and our faith. Honestly, we were so part of the secular world before IF changed our lives and taught us what the Church believes. I do believe IF has made us a stronger and happier couple....and boy has it made us better communicators. God bless you as you continue your life journey...and you can always email me too!