Saturday, April 13, 2013


Right after writing my post last night, I went over to Joy Beyond the Cross and read her horrible news.  I couldn't sleep last night because of it.  I woke up my husband to tell him.  He said, "God, that's terrible."  All this debate on my blog felt so gratuitous.

I see two camps forming.  The first doesn't think it's OK to question Church leaders or contact them to do so.  They also like to attribute infertility and some other bad stuff to the Fall.  In addition, they are on board with the procreation aspect being the central tenet of the anti gay marriage argument.

The second camp (the infertiles/the childless and cancer sufferers) aren't taking a lot of comfort in the Fall argument.  They also see value in the other salient aspects of the anti gay marriage argument not related to procreation 'cause hey, we're married and we don't procreate.

Joanna, it's not that I don't recognize that our infertility is due to some defect.  That's obviously true.  It's just that I've never felt the mothers have been able to empathize with the infertiles and they don't even try.  That's why I don't get why they comment on infertile blogs.

I'm here and I write to represent a persecuted minority.  And advocate for us.  To hear lawyers and archbishops casually throw around the word "infertility" like it meant nothing to some people was extremely hurtful.

There's a gulf I guess between these two camps.  People that get pregnant like clockwork can't understand people like me who fail to conceive 32 months in a row.  Nearly all the friends my age have children and I have to bend to their schedules.  It's a life fertiles don't understand.  That's all.


  1. I had a funny revelation last night. I was at the grocery store (on a Sunday - le scandale!) and Thomas English muffins were buy 1, get 2 free. (I know, right?) I read the terms of the sale very carefully to make sure I could get both kinds I like. They had (naturally) been flying off the shelves, and I had to poke around on an end-cap to find the cinnamon raisin ones. But when I checked out (U-Scan), the computer didn't make 2 of them free. Unacceptable! So I went to the service desk and explained the situation, presented my receipt, and showed the part of the flyer where the sale was explained. The girl NEVER SAID, "I'm so sorry this happened." The computer essentially STOLE $8.38 of my very own money, and I had to go to extra time and effort to fix the store's mistake. (Plus she took the guy behind me before me and refused to make eye contact with me, so she was winning all kinds of points with me.) I'm not suggesting she should have been obsequious - not AT ALL. (And although I can be a real monster about these things, I have been working on it, and I was VERY polite.)

    Her first response was, "Well, you got two different kinds." Not, "And the sale doesn't include that" - just an accusation that I was wrong, without her searching for more facts. So I showed her (again) how the flyer allows three different kinds, mine were two of those, and they were all the same price ("equal or lesser value"). Apparently I convinced her, but I don't know this because she said, "Oh, I see," or, "You're right," or anything AT ALL. She just asked for one of my packages of muffins and started writing down numbers. Eventually she handed me $8.38 and I concluded I had won, but she basically accused me of trying to cheat the store when _I_ was being cheated, and again - NEVER EVER said, "I'm sorry, that shouldn't have happened."

    For the record, I can be brash, but if I'm late or slow or mistaken with something (or someone else I work with is) and someone calls it to my attention at work, "I'm so sorry" are the first words out of my mouth. It costs me nothing, and it shows that I care about the service people get.

    As I left the store, I realized I was offended beyond description that I never got an "I'm sorry." It was more important than the money, though I hadn't thought so beforehand. I don't want them to try to calculate the hourly value of my time and pay me for what I wasted fixing the store's error (sometimes hours). I want them to ACKNOWLEDGE that I'm a human being and I have been put through difficulties within their general area of responsibility and SAY THEY'RE SORRY.

    The business with the muffins made this clear to me as it's never been. And I live in an extremely rushed and, above all, INCONSIDERATE area of the country, and this kind of politeness rarely, if ever, happens. So this provocation is continual.

    I really did have a relevant point here. Namely: any conversation you have about infertility with infertiles has to begin and end with "I'm sorry" or everything else you've said is wrong. Because we're a bunch of navel-gazing victims, of course. Oh wait! No! Because we're human. This would be totally obvious if it were about ANY OTHER TOPIC.

    Imagine this: You're talking to a woman whose teenaged son died one week ago in a car accident. He may not have been wearing his seatbelt. You start a conversation about seatbelt laws, but you don't start by mentioning that you know her son died, or expressing your condolences. Ten sentences into your elaborate explanation of the role of seatbelts, she beats you to death with her purse. You're mystified (apparently). After all, everything you said was true!

    This is never going to get through to people, is it?

  2. I'm always amazed at your writing ability. And yes, you're exactly right. No one will get it; never know what to say. Ours is an illness/lifestyle in a class of itself.