Sin Fish

I turned 35 last week.  It was really one of my best birthday celebrations ever.  I took the entire week off.  Pre-infertility acceptance, I would not have done that trying to save my vacation time.  But, now that's I'm taking care of me, happy days are here again.  We took one of the motorcycles and rode up to Carmel.  The ride up was tons of fun because we took a lot of back roads and tried to stay off the freeways.  I'd only been to Carmel once before as a teenager and remembered nothing about it.  It's worth googling if you've never heard of the town or know just a little bit.  If I had my choice of living in a beach town anywhere in the world, Carmel would be it.  Given how hot it's been at home, the weather up there was deliciously cold-65 F.  We dodged a bunch of kids at the Monterey Bay Aquarium and had dinner with my crazy SIL and BIL.  She had some especially crazy things to say but this was the first time I completely ignored her and that worked out real well.

While we were getting ready to head out of the hotel on Tuesday, my sweet, dear friend emailed a picture of our dog wearing a lei and a "happy birthday" sign.  I LOVED IT!!!  So clever that I would never think of doing something like that; kind of like never thinking to prop a sign against my baby announcing how old they are, but hey, it works for some people.  Sweet dog had his eyebrows all crooked like he didn't know why he was sitting still with a sign around his neck for a photo.  Love him!!!

Big changes are ahead for us.  My husband decided to take the far-away job.  The job close to us is still hemming and hawing so we had to pull the trigger.  I'll switch to a 9/80 schedule at work (very difficult for me as I've always worked five days a week) so I'll drive up to see him on the three-day weekends and he'll come home on the two-day weekends.  He'll be living in the guest house on his parent's property.  Am I excited about him living so close to his mother and father?  No.  However, we will make it work.  Lots of people do.  I'm so proud of him, of us for getting through this entire year of unemployment.  There were dark days and through our faith in God, we survived.  I'm grateful.

Rhetorical Question

I didn't realize I was asking a rhetorical question in my last post.  Obviously, this excludes MFAW.  Sure, my post could be considered highly controversial and even rebellious in the ardent Catholic blogosphere but where's the dialogue people?  Are we only fans of cheering on posts that are lock step in-line with Catholic teaching.  Maybe you don't know who Melinda Gates is?  Maybe you don't care?  Maybe I asked a stupid question that wasn't worth your time.  Like, hey, "what the heck is she doing asking if contraception is OK for destitute non-Catholics?  She's crazy."  If you have seven minutes, I still recommend you listen to the interview.  It's interesting, if nothing else.

In other news, I'm super proud of myself!!!  I rode my motorcycle to work all by myself.  First time ever!!!  And I didn't die, or even fall over.  I'm safe.

This started by me telling my husband a few weeks back that I wanted to start riding my moto to work.  Summer is a good time to do it.  School is out so no crazy parents making random U-turns on a 55-mile per hour street.  The traffic's calm this time of year.  Sure, I'd have to pack some clothes to change into and take a lunch but it was conceivably do-able.  My husband was going to follow me in a car or on his motorcycle but I'd have company.

Last night, for some reason (I guess I felt I needed a jolt) I told him I was taking the bike to work tomorrow.  He said he wanted to leave home early to get some work done on an improvement project we have going on.  I'd be alone.  I hemmed and hawed saying how difficult the logistics would be.  What would I pack?  How would I carry it all in my little backpack?  So, we decided that Thursday would be a good day to start as hubby would be able to come with.

Well, I got up this morning.  Hubby was gone and I thought for a second, "heck, I can do this.  I'm going to do this."  I packed up everything in my hiking backpack after taking out the first aid kit and bug spray.  I called my husband to tell him my plan.  I put on my jacket, helmet and gloves and I was off!

The traffic was light, the ride was relatively calm although my nervousness made me parched and my stomach queasy.  But, I was moving along fine until about a 1/2 mile before arriving at the office.  I was sitting at a light and I must have been in second because when I gave it gas, I didn't move.  The bike didn't stall.  I just hit 'first' and off I went.  Before I could get going, a loser woman was beeping at me.  Not one beep (it sounded like a toy car beep not a throaty truck so it was slightly comical) but three interrupted beeps.  If I had a free hand, I would have flipped her off.  But, in the interest of safety, I tried not to get upset.  We moved to another traffic signal and I made sure I was in first this time.  You know how there's a natural delay to go when a light turns green?  Well, this b*tch wasn't gonna wait 1/10th of a second.  She's was already beeping at me the moment the light turned green.

This, again, would have been worse if we were getting onto a road with a 60-mile an hour speed limit.  The street we were entering is 15 MILES PER HOUR.  My gosh.  I thought about taunting her for the length of the street but thought better of it, turned right at the first opportunity and hightailed it on a parallel road.  I zipped into a parking space and I had done it!!!  My husband was so moved he told me he was proud of me!!!  I think that was the first time he said that to me without being prompted.  Praise God!  I did it!     

'I'm a Catholic, but women need access to contraceptives'

Just now saw this interview with Melinda Gates on her work to provide greater access to contraception to women across the world especially in Africa.  She presents a very intelligent argument, I think.  What do you think?

I want to act like it's all terrific

I think I've used that blog title before.  But I'm too lazy to check.  No final news on the job front.  But things have calmed down quite a bit on the home front.  THANK GOD!!!!  I think that's due to two things: my husband finished fixing a motorcycle and me talking to a dear friend about just how awful that last 11 months have been for me.  If I hadn't made it clear before I spend lots of time hiding my true feelings from almost everyone but my husband.  This is far from healthy and I just realized it on Wednesday.  No, I'm not very sharp.  So, just describing to a girlfriend, in person, just how hard it's been was a huge, huge relief.  And it takes pressure off my poor husband.  This is going to take some work but I'm up for it.  Lord, please give me strength!!!

I've also started to begin to change on how I think about my marriage.  We're coming up on our fourth anniversary and almost six years together and it's time for me to mature.  I've spent a lot of time trying to recreate the magic, the passion of the past.  And not being able to recreate it has caused me so much heartache.  I've been in denial.  But, I'm now seeing the first glimpses a better marriage, not one obsessed with the past.

I'm trying to relieve myself of the bonds of selfishness, to f'ing grow up, to act like a believer in Christ.  I knew I was in trouble just last week when I was saying to myself, "Why do I need this?"  "This" being all the injustices I think I'm subjected to.  I want to get better.  I'm going to do this.

Come on home

And the news is...

...my husband got a good job offer.  It's a good, stable company that's been in business for many decades.  He likes them and they like him.  It's is the same industry he's familiar with but a different position which will expand his experience.  And it's also three hours away from our home.  I knew about this when he first threw his hat in the ring.  I accepted it, have tried to deal with it and be strong.  I know that change is inevitable and I can either embrace it or kick and scream against it.  The role entails less risk and responsibility he had before so it pays less.  And therein, is the rub for my husband.  Not me.

He got the offer Wednesday afternoon (48 hours ago.)  I was so happy.  We'd been waiting for this for almost a year.  I felt God's promise had been fulfilled.  All the pain had been worth it.  I went to adoration chapel that evening and Mass afterwards.  I cried during Mass because I was so happy.  I never do that.  This was special, to me, at least.

Thursday mid-afternoon my husband calls me and said he talked to my mother and now he's decided to negotiate for more money.  At first, I was receptive to hearing his case for more money but it was stirring around my brain while we were talking about it and I came up with several outstanding reasons why he should take the offer as is.  One example is that the offer was written.  Never did they verbally negotiate with him on salary.  They asked him what he used to make and they formulated the number that was good for them.  That's just one mild example.  All the others are profound and very serious.  Believe me on this one.

I used to believe that come hell or high water, a smart individual should always negotiate.  However, I did that once with disastrous consequences.  I was working at my first job after college, and it was going OK, but I wanted to move on.  A colleague had recently left the company and joined another.  He offered to interview me for a job with the new firm.  I met the owners and went through a fairly rigorous interview process.  They emailed a written offer.  The offer was good; the base salary was more than I was making and the benefits were about that same.  I was OK with it.  But I thought I'd look weak if I didn't negotiate.  So I upped the salary by 20% and asked for three weeks annual vacation instead of two.

My friend called me up and said, "[Author] I'm really disappointed and I think you will be too.  We can't move forward on this."  I said, "what do you mean?  Are you rescinding the job offer?"  "I wouldn't call it rescinding?  Let's just say it's not there any more."  My first thought was, "do I not know the meaning of 'rescind.'  Oh my God, this is awful."  I'd been so excited about the new work.  Despite how awful I felt, all was not lost.  I still had a job.  I gave up nothing except high expectations.  This is not the same as my husband's situation.


My evil, bully boss in D.C. gave me some good advice during an acquisition negotiation.  He said, "In a negotiation, you always have to be willing to walk away."  You cannot be so tied to whatever you're negotiating about, you lose your edge.  Right now, we cannot afford to lose our edge and we are not willing to walk away.  At least I'm not.


But, here I am on Friday afternoon.  No celebration dinner, no champagne, no nothing.  Just life like it always was.  Our life is so stable it's criminal.  That may sound like a strange statement but job loss in our household is not the disaster it was to so many millions of Americans.  We're fine.  We won't lose our house, we won't lose our cars, we won't stop enjoying the simple pleasures we always have.  We're pathetically fine.


I should add that "good" things come in twos.  And in this case, my husband has a follow-up interview with the owner of a start-up doing cutting-edge work.  It's cool stuff that my husband seems to be very excited about.  It's close to home.  He can still live with me.  But, it doesn't seem to come down to this.  It comes down to money.  Money he wants but money we don't need.  


If I sound depressed and a bit angry, it's because I am.  I feel like some core values are being betrayed.  Like doing work for work's sake, not for the payoff.  Like having a job is a core commitment to your wife.  When he kicks the can down the road, it hurts me.  It puts all kinds of pressure on me to be the good one, to be the responsible one.  I don't find it fair and I'm losing my patience.     

Ultrasounds and cigarettes

I still haven't received any word from the hospital where my ultrasounds were performed way back in February.  You'll remember (or you can read about) my insurance company sent me an explanation of benefits form detailing the hospital charged over $2,000 for a transvag and pelvic ultrasound.  I sent in a wonderful protest letter with supporting documentation preempting the bill.  So, I've received neither a bill or a response to the protest.  My husband predicts it will come, it's just taking a while to wind itself through the hospital bureaucracy.  Perhaps so, but it is a private for-profit corporation, so you'd think it would move faster than this.

We went to a totally cool party on Saturday.  Fun people, with no kids in sight.  It was like being 22 again.  I drank quite a bit, smoked a cigarette (sort of), and had absolutely no hangover the next day.  Amazing.

I might, just might have something big to reveal later this week.  I do not count my chickens before they hatch anymore (learned that lesson) but we're putting more than a 50% chance of this opportunity going through.  Now that my blog is no longer about (in)fertility, I think I'm either pretty boring or non-existent which is not what I want to be.  I've just spent too much time not focusing on my real life here (anything that has nothing to do with infertility) that I'm not sure I can catch up.  I want to be honest, revealing but there's so much pressure not to be.  Ok, this is all so stupidly cryptic but that's all I've got right now.  Maybe more later. :)     

Cells Most Vulnerable to HPV Are Identified

By NICHOLAS BAKALAR

Scientists have located the cells in the cervix that give rise to cancer when attacked by the human papillomavirus, a discovery that may lead to new methods of preventing and treating the disease.

Even though the virus pervades the entire genital tract, HPV infection causes precancerous and cancerous lesions in just one part of the cervix, called the ectoendocervical squamocolumnar junction, or SC junction. Now researchers have found that cervical cancers are linked to a small population of distinct cells in that region.

The researchers began by examining cells from the SC junction in the cervices of patients not infected with HPV. Among the samples they found some cells that under a microscope looked different from those in adjacent areas.

Then they looked at the cells of precancerous and cancerous lesions, comparing the form and genetic makeup of those cells with the SC junction cells. They matched, and so the scientists believe that they have found the cells in which most, if not all, cervical cancers arise.

Dr. Christopher P. Crum, the senior author, said that the discovery follows findings in a 2011 study led by Frank McKeon and Wa Xian at Harvard, who found the same cells in Barrett esophagus, a precursor of esophageal cancers. (Research has linked these cancers, too, to HPV infection.)

The new study was published online June 11 in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

“These markers could be used to more clearly define which precancers need to be treated versus those that need to be followed, so you don’t go doing surgery on women who have innocuous infections,” said Dr. Crum, a professor of pathology at Harvard.

Dr. Mark H. Einstein, a gynecologic oncologist at Montefiore Medical Center in the Bronx who was not involved in the study, agreed that this could be an important clinical application of the finding.

“The procedures that treat the precancerous cells can lead to preterm birth in some women, so we want to avoid them if possible,” he said. “Sometimes doing less is more.”

Although the researchers say they cannot rule out that SC junction cells might develop spontaneously, they are almost certain that they appear during fetal development and exist in all women, regardless of age.

Markers of SC junction cells are always present in high-grade precancerous and cancerous lesions, and they are absent in most low-grade lesions. In this study, their presence accurately predicted the precancerous lesions most likely to become malignant, those infected by HPV Type 16.

The discovery might also lead to prophylactic treatment, at least in areas of the world where routine care like cervical cancer screening is unavailable.

“Given how small the area is that these cells occupy,” Dr. Crum said, “they might very easily be removed or ablated by some means which could be a cost-effective way of preventing cervical cancer. There are people who claim anecdotally that this would work, and it’s a concept worth thinking about.” The cells do not regenerate after they are cut away.

Clinical application of the discovery could be very close, Dr. Einstein said.

“This is something that could probably be adopted by clinicians and pathologists pretty soon,” he said. “These investigators have actually identified the type of cells which can then be used to target new methods of testing, treatment and screening. It’s fantastic.”

Wondering?

You might wonder why I post news stories about the Church, the Vatican, health topics, etc.  One is that I'm  just trying to keep track of what I find interesting and two, not that you should consider me a news source, I like to publicize certain events to our little community.  As a fairly beginner Catholic, I love reading and learning about internal Vatican politics because I'm nerdy about organization theory.  Corruption really gets my goat and  I think it's very important to understand the structure of what we're believing in.  That's it in a nutshell.

So, I'm not dead, obviously but I am just now finishing up one of the most exhausting, maddening periods in my work life.  I don't like to talk specifically about my work here because, although this is an anonymous blog, I don't believe anything done online is ever truly anonymous and therefore I am concerned that speaking badly about my co-workers, employer will land me in hot trouble.  Let's just say at times, the situation had become so embarrassing, so belittling, so unjust, so aggravating it was giving me persistent headaches.  Heck, I still kind of have it.  It starts on the lower right side of my brain then moves to the top frontal region and now has landed on the lower left side.  I take a lot Aleve.  And some random days off, here and there.  I took a mental health day just yesterday.

Last Friday, my husband had a meeting with a sta.te sen.ator that included several other folks (the Land.ow.ners) that have a serious beef with the O.il Companies.  Since I had the day off, I joined him.  We were way overdressed (everybody else were in jeans, we in suits) but I subscribe to the "better off overdressed than under" theory.  In our state, apparently mineral rights supersede those the landowners.  Example, if you own the mineral rights on my parcel(s), you can come in at any point, don't have to even consult with me, and drill your own little oil well on my property.  You can put it anywhere you'd like, carve out a road, and don't have to pay me or take any mitigation measures to compensate me for lost income, i.e. I might be growing some crops that you've obliterated because of your oil well.  We're on the side of the good people.  So, Lando.wners were there to lobby for legislation but the senator suggested arbitration which no one felt very confident about because the O.il Compani.es are so high and mighty, they agree to meet then promptly cancel the meetings.

But, this gets me to my real reason for telling this story, inappropriate winking.  The Landow.ner ringleader who is a well-connected, rich guy (but all rich people are well-connected, I know) who leases a little property from my husband's family.  Last Friday was the first time I'd met him.  When we started the meeting, we were waiting for one person to show up so the conversation turned to promoting healthy food for school lunches.  Hey, I like the idea but I was observing a self-imposed silence as I'd done as much talking that week than my little brain could take.  So, I might have looked uneducated, air-headish (I am blonde.)  In the middle of other people taking, Ringleader makes eye contact with me, gives me a little devilish smile, and winks.

Devilish is the best adjective I can come up with but the smile and wink really struck me as, "It's OK there, doll, I know this stuff is over your head, but it'll be OK."  I wasn't so much offended as thinking, "why is this guy acting like he knows what I'm about when he doesn't have the first clue."  But I am judged by my looks a lot.  I think in this case, I'm looking pretty dolled up, next to my husband who is old enough to be my father, so I look like a gold digger, idiot.  When we got married, it never really occurred to me that we'd be judged by our age difference but it is a fact of life.  People are judgmental about men marrying much younger women.  I get it.  But it can blind side you when you're just trying to live your life and people think you're shallow, vapid, untrustworthy, etc.  Other examples are, "You don't look like you're ride a motorcycle."  "You don't look like you'd hike 75-miles in Peru, etc."  I'm tempted to ask, "well, what does that person look like?"  Maybe I'll start.

       

Pope's Butler Arrested in Leaks Investigation

By REUTERS

VATICAN CITY (Reuters) - Pope Benedict's butler was arrested on Friday in connection with an investigation into leaks of confidential documents, some alleging cronyism and corruption in Vatican contracts, a senior Vatican source said.

The scandal, which has come to be known as "Vatileaks", involves the leaking of a string of documents to Italian media in January and February, including personal letters to the pope.

Some of the documents involved allegations of corruption, mismanagement and cronyism in the awarding of contracts for work in the Vatican and internal disagreement on the management of the Vatican bank.

The president of the Vatican bank, Ettore Gotti Tedeschi, was ousted by its board on Thursday.

Vatican spokesmen said earlier on Friday that a person in possession of confidential documents had been arrested but that they could not disclose his position or identity until they were given permission from Vatican investigators.

The Vatican source confirmed reports by Italian media that the person arrested was the butler.

"It's all very sad," another senior Vatican source said, commenting on an episode that is the latest in a string of embarrassments for the Vatican.

The pope's butler serves in the apartments of the Apostolic Palace, serving at the papal tables, handing rosaries to visiting dignitaries and riding in the first seat of the popemobile at papal audiences.

As an intimate member of the papal household, he is privy to the goings on in the most reserved and private rooms in the Vatican.

Italian media said investigators had found documents in his apartment.

The pope, who has been shocked and saddened by the leaks, ordered several investigations, including one headed by Vatican police and another by a commission of cardinals.

The leaked documents included letters by an archbishop who was transferred to Washington after he blew the whistle on what he saw as a web of corruption and cronyism, a memo which put a number of cardinals in a bad light, and documents alleging internal conflicts about the Vatican Bank.

In January, an Italian television investigation broadcast private letters to Secretary of State Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone and the pope from Archbishop Carlo Maria Vigano, the former deputy governor of Vatican City and currently the Holy See's ambassador in Washington.

The letters showed that Vigano was transferred after he exposed what he argued was a web of corruption, nepotism and cronyism linked to the awarding of contracts to Italian contractors at inflated prices.

In one letter, Vigano wrote of a smear campaign against him by other Vatican officials who were upset that he had taken drastic steps to clean up the purchasing procedures. He begged to stay in the job to finish what he had started.

Bertone responded by removing Vigano from his position three years before the end of his tenure and sending him to the United States, despite his strong resistance.

(Editing by Alison Williams)

Finally, someone says it better than me.

There's a great, very educational op-ed in the Washington Post today.  Here's the link: http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/many-catholic-bishops-resist-a-fight-with-the-obama-administration/2012/05/23/gJQAJIeClU_story.html?hpid=z2

You might know that 43 Catholic organizations filed suit against the Obama administration to overturn decision that all employers must provide contraception free of charge to its employees.  I understand only 13 diocese joined the lawsuit.  That doesn't appear as broad support to me.  Bishop Stephen Blaire of Stockton, CA, gave an interview to the America Magazine saying, "I think our rhetoric has to be that of bishops of the church who are seeking to be faithful to the Gospel, that our one concern is that we make sure the church is free to carry out her mission as given to her by Christ, and that remains our focus.” If the bishops can maintain that focus, he said, “the people rally behind us,” but the bishops lose their support when the conflict is seen as too political."


Amen.  I've long been a critic of aggressive stances against contraception and the Church's complete and sole devotion to just one crime against humanity, abortion.  But, one commenter on the WP said it much better than me and I thought I'd post it because it's just so logical and concise.

j3hess

11:30 AM PDT

And now for something completely different - a positive suggestion for the bishops, a bit of jiu-jitsu.  

The Church is opposed to contraception, but not to birth control. It's model is natural family planning, which it holds out as a holistic approach to integrating birth control within a relationship of deepening intimacy between husband and wife. It is, however, little practiced, even among Catholics.

(Note: Natural family planning is not simply the old rhythm method, and has been shown to be as effective contraception.)

At the same time, anti-contraception has become something of an obsessive-compulsive complex among many in the Church, and seems to dominate the hierarchy. It generates far more publicity, much anger, and often negative energy, turning into heat what could be light shed upon promoting their holistic alternative. I have long thought that the Church could do more to promote it's pro-life philosophy by softening its negative campaign and putting that wasted energy to work in building support for pregnant women, ensuring that all had access to adequate medical care, nutrition, and the social, moral, and material support to turn a pregnant woman into an expecting mother, while continuing their adoption programs to make sure that there is an alternative when biological motherhood doesn't turn into parenting.

So here's the trick - accept Obama's compromise if the administration will make a matching move, adding natural family planning to the birth control coverage of all employer-provided health insurance plans.

Sure its a hard turn for the anti-contraception forces to make. It will require a re-evaluation of how religious belief best engages with public policy, and the balance of goods and bads in their moral calculus. But if the lawsuits fail, they might give it some consideration.

It's time for me to move along; it's time for me to get it on; I'm tired of singing sad songs

It's been hard and sad for me to read recent posts from TCIE and JellyBelly.  I hate to see them both suffer and have been suffering for so long.  I guess it was harder since I've felt so much stronger lately.  I felt like I'd prepared myself so well for Mother's Day and it all really worked out.  The priest didn't have mothers stand up for a blessing but I'd decided that if he had, dammit I was going to stand up, too.  God knows what we've been through, how hard we've tried, how faithful we've been.  I felt no sense of loss this year.  I've had it up to here with suffering.

I'm starting a master's program in the fall.  I'd resisted getting an advanced degree especially since we got married because I figured I'd have children by now and wanted to devote my time to them, not a degree.  But those that won't exist shouldn't be waited on.  The high-level jobs I want demand a master's degree and my company does offer some amount of tuition reimbursement so it's a win-win plan.  It's two years and certainly a time commitment away from my marriage but it's for the long-term good.  I'm excited for the future.

Yes, I was burned but I call it a lesson learned.

My husband talked to Peter yesterday and called him on his behavior.  In short, Peter said he treats Sibylle better than her last boyfriend, cooks for her, takes her on trips (what a benevolent saint!) so what he does with her is "his business and nobody else's."  That attitude is the biggest hallmark of people with no faith.  That their actions affect no one but themselves and only they can judge themselves.  Totally incorrect thinking in my book, but there you have it.

When bad things happen, as they do a lot these days, I try to remind myself that the experience matters.  Bad moments teach.  Now I know never to see Peter again.  I didn't know that before, although I suspected it that would have been the right decision.  Now I know if I'm feeling vulnerable and need a truly restful vacation, I should go alone or just with my husband and nobody else.  I didn't know that before.  So, I don't feel as bad now as maybe I could.  Perspective.  Life is not an upward trajectory. :)  I just keep repeating that to myself.

Lest you think I have nothing more going on in my life, you'd be wrong although easily forgiven since I tend to focus on the drama here.  A while ago I rescued a dog abandoned at a park near my house.  I'm a cat person.  I never disliked dogs; I just didn't understand them.  But this dog and I just connected.  My very good friend Holly took him and now he lives with her.  I'm sort of a part-time parent.  He's young, maybe a year old.  He's strong and I think he's a Be.lgian Mal.inois.  Those are bad-*ss dogs.  I tried attaching a picture but it's sideways and can't fix it.  Hmmm.  Give me some time on that one.

So, it's a looking like a good day.  I take Dog for his training class tomorrow morning because Holly is otherwise occupied.  I delivered the letter "Made for Another World" so astutely wrote to my parish on Tuesday.  I head to Mass on Sunday with my head held high.  I will not be defeated.  

 

My weekend with the 1% and Peter's Sexual Debauchery

This is going to be a long complicated post.  Prepare yourself.  Peter (I took him off my "cast of characters" but you might remember him as my husband's best friend and remember I use fake names for everybody on this blog) is a newly appointed financial adviser to the Gr.and C.any.on Tr.ust.  This non-profit is a land conservation group with some very, very wealthy board members and donors.  They organize trips, hiking, rafting, bicycling, etc. for donors.  These trips are not advertised to the general public.  Peter was our connection to an excursion this past weekend.  We drove 11 hours to get there and arrived early Friday evening.  I was tired.  Let's leave it there for right now.

The group was small, twelve of us in total.  Folks from Arizona, Utah, and California.  At least six of the people were very wealthy, the 1%.  It was mostly fun to debate some very opinionated, very smart people.  The manager of GCT is a Har.v.ard Ph.d. who I think took himself a bit too seriously.  I bemoaned the lack of vocational training in the United States and how we push even those most incapable to a liberal arts education and he replied that he was a licensed plumber.  OK.  And he makes "museum quality furniture."  I'm not sure that was the best way to say he makes fine furniture or he is a master woodworker.

What surprised me about this particular group was there love, absolute love of dropping names.  The plastic surgeon's wife is apparently close friends with Jane.t Napoli.tano and enjoyed telling me about the adventures together.  I felt like asking my adventure mates whom exactly didn't they know?  Nearly everyone was off on another adventure soon, one hitting Paris with a granddaughter, another Turkey with a friend.  LDS bashing was also popular as well as putting down the overweight.  That wasn't nice.

The hiking was awesome.  We got a little lost the second day and the lawyer told me he was frustrated, a bunch of us ran out of water although not everyone was completely out, but we managed to make it out and have celebratory beers at the trailhead.  I favored water.  As we said our goodbyes, the lawyer's wife invited me to Phoenix since she knew "a bunch of people my age I would have fun with."  She might have just had a bit too much beer, or maybe she did really like me.  I received at least three separate comments from people saying they liked my boldness and how I wasn't at all afraid to offer my opinion on any topic.  And I very much appreciate they cared to listen to my theories on how to reform the US tax code.

Back to the tired state Friday night.  My husband had told me a couple days before we left that Peter was not bringing, let's call her Birdy, on the trip.  Peter had broken up with Birdy a couple weeks ago.  But he had someone new, naturally.  We met the new girl during the Friday night cocktail reception at the Lodge.  I could tell she was young.  How young, I didn't know.  But I do know that Peter is 51, albeit a very young looking 51.  He could pass for 40.  That is not such a comfort when the girls are in their early 20s.

I did ask her, let's call her Sybille, how old she was on Saturday.  23.  I was dying, dying to ask her if she knew how old Peter was but I chickened out too many times that weekend.  Peter, in a solo conversation, said she didn't know how old he was just that she said, "he was old enough to be her brother." Great.

Back to Friday night.  I was extremely tired.  For me, that doesn't not mean I will sleep through shelling outside my door. It just means I'm desperate for sleep.  I don't think we were in bed for an hour when it started.  She was loud.  I estimate the noise was 10% genuine pleasure and 90% to boost Peter's ego.  And that thought made me sick to my stomach.  I was angry.  Really angry.  I asked my husband to talk some sense into his friend, that he was looking like a fool and should act like the professional he represented himself to be.

After Saturday's hike, most of us relaxed in and around the hot tub.  My husband wanted to stay in the room and take a shower.  After my soak, I went back to our room and heard the Devil's Children at it again. I was pissed but not as much as the night before since it was the middle of the day and I was awake.  But, the shamelessness, the immorality was gnawing at me.  Peter and Sybille came to our room holding hands, disgustingly self-satisfied.  All I could do was act disinterested and do a ridiculous passive-aggressive act.  I told them their time might have been better spent with the group, not staying in their room.  Peter told me we should try staying in our room, I might find out how much fun it is.  I responded that getting out is better if he had the good sense to try it.  They had sex that night.  All bets were off.

Sibylle's family is LDS and she left her faith because "[she] discovered coffee."  When she said this I wanted to respond, "and apparently for extramarital sex."  I wanted desperately to talk to her, give her some perspective beyond this temporary high.  That Peter in these situations does exactly the same thing.  The only thing that changes is the woman.  I wanted to believe that if she just sobered up she could see sleeping with someone thirty years your senior is a horrible mistake.  But, she seemed to eat up the attention.  He spoon-fed her dessert.  He does that with everyone.  He holds her hand, puts his arm around her, holds her from behind.  He does that with everyone.  The facade fooled everyone but me and my husband but bothered me the most.  I'm sure all the other participants thought his behavior was so sweet, genuine affection.  I saw the drama, the act, the play.

I wasn't the only one to notice, though.  The organizer's wife asked me why Peter brought a different woman than the he had indicated during sign-ups.  She reacted to their hugging and kissing on the trail as "bizarre."  To me it was and is much more than that.  My husband can't understand why this is making me so upset.     Here are my reasons:

1. Even after my husband had asked Peter to exercise a minimal level of discretion, he refused to do so. 
2. Peter is using women and the immorality is stunning.  I don't care that they seemingly consent to the relationship.  No 23-year-old is on the same level as a 51-year-old.  Peter won't deal with women who are his equals and takes advantage of the naive.  That, to me, is sickening.
3. Peter made a mockery of marriage this weekend.  Everybody on this trip was married except him.  None of the spouses were hanging on each other.  Does holding hands make him feel his choices are more legitimate?  It's sending a message to everybody, "Hey, I really care about this girl."  No, he care about continuing to have sex with them.  That's all.  Those of us sharing a room made a life-long commitment to one another.  Peter reveled in the debauchery, the sin.
4. Peter is leading this girl to certain heartbreak.  It's the height of irresponsibility.  It's cruelty.  He complained at dinner while he was holding Sybille's hand, that Birdy had sent 50 "aggressive text messages" that day.  Poor Sybille just smiled confusingly.  I wanted to tell her so badly that she was next.

For all the anger I feel towards Peter, I'm mostly angry at myself.  That I failed to take a moral, Christian stand, to be a voice for my faith, for Christ.  I let these people walk into Hell and said nothing.  I told my husband that I would never see Peter again with a date.  Alone, maybe but never again with a girl.  I don't want to be a witness to this ever again.  My husband doesn't want me to tell Peter what I think.  Or he wants censorship rights.  :)  I'm not sure what steps I'll take right now.  I just wanted to get this off my chest.  

You Don't Know Me

I don't know where to begin.  So much has changed the last three weeks.  My favorite priest at our parish announced Sunday he is leaving to go to, of all places, Jack's childhood parish.  He would joke they made a play on the name and called it Our Lady of the Ghetto.  Jack was the only white kid at the school so I guess that's how he distinguished himself.

Motorcycle riding is becoming a bigger part of my life lately.  I'm easing myself out of my fears and riding my own bike again.  On Sunday, we rode to a breakfast place at the local community airport.  The parking lot design is a bit tricky.  In the past, I would have attempted turns and wiped myself out if I couldn't negotiate the curb.  This time I stopped, assessed the situation, backed up with my feet and stayed upright.  I consider that a major victory.

Speaking of Jack, I told my husband just how disappointed I am that he and other friends with kids have apparently dropped us.  Even Afina has gone AWOL on me.  She's easier to get back than Jack.  I'm an infertile that actually loves visiting friends' kids.  It's like being a grandparent, you spend time and spoil them, then give the kids back to their parents.  I guess I could reach out to Jack and ask him how fatherhood is treating him, but I hate always being the one to initiate.

I've regained the weight I'd lost on the Peru trip.  For a couple weeks I was unhappy but I'm starting to embrace the idea of a naturally fluctuating weight.  I've gained and lost the same five pounds the last eight years.  It's just life.  As long as my clothes still fit, I'm willing to ride the wave.

I cut my hair into a chin length bob and lightened up the color.  I think I do "cute" much better than "sultry" with the long, wavy hair.  And there's no more layers which makes styling much faster.  I love experimenting with my hair.

TCIE posted something that really bummed me out and sadly, confirmed some feelings I've been ruminating over the last few weeks.  I know my comment on her blog didn't suggest how bummed I was, but this is really how I feel.  [The following comments are MY FEELINGS and in no way, intended to attack or belittle anybody so please don't take it that way.]  It wasn't so much what she wrote about what she thought about childlessness, but the comments from mothers who appeared to patronize the deeper spiritual meanings of childlessness.

I have a big problem with the comments that said [my paraphrasing], "Gosh, it's so touching what you wrote.  Not that I have any concept of what it means to face a life with no children of your own, but it's so cute of you to look at the sunny side of life."  Now, this is probably not at all what these women meant, I know because you're not mean-spirited.  But, that's what it read like to me.

And here's why.  There's a schism, a vast divide between those who are now mothers or actively seeking treatment to have a child and those who made the gut-wrenching decision to stop trying or reconcile with yourself and husband the fact that no matter what you or doctors do, you will not get pregnant.  For some, this is a stark, biological fact.  It's painful.  It's a pain that goes beyond temporary infertility.  It is a permanent state of a two person family.  It's a pain that I will always carry and sometimes will have pangs of regret when I'm 37, 40, 45, 55, 65, 99, 103 (yes, I expect to live that long.)  I'm not saying that childlessness is all pain, all the time.  It's most definitely not.  I had an impromptu karaoke session at a local bar last night while you were home with the kids.  I'm sure you had a great time with your kids.  I had a great time at the bar.

It's just that you don't get me and I don't get you.  I've wanted to diversify my readers and the blogs I read but can't seem, at this point, to get past married, Catholic women blogs.  It's not doing anything for me anymore beyond masochistic entertainment.  I know that's a strong statement but it's true.  I've got to get away.  That doesn't mean leaving my ATC blog permanently.  I don't know what it looks like right now.  I'm disenchanted.  I have to move on.