Friday, July 6, 2012

I want to act like it's all terrific

I think I've used that blog title before.  But I'm too lazy to check.  No final news on the job front.  But things have calmed down quite a bit on the home front.  THANK GOD!!!!  I think that's due to two things: my husband finished fixing a motorcycle and me talking to a dear friend about just how awful that last 11 months have been for me.  If I hadn't made it clear before I spend lots of time hiding my true feelings from almost everyone but my husband.  This is far from healthy and I just realized it on Wednesday.  No, I'm not very sharp.  So, just describing to a girlfriend, in person, just how hard it's been was a huge, huge relief.  And it takes pressure off my poor husband.  This is going to take some work but I'm up for it.  Lord, please give me strength!!!

I've also started to begin to change on how I think about my marriage.  We're coming up on our fourth anniversary and almost six years together and it's time for me to mature.  I've spent a lot of time trying to recreate the magic, the passion of the past.  And not being able to recreate it has caused me so much heartache.  I've been in denial.  But, I'm now seeing the first glimpses a better marriage, not one obsessed with the past.

I'm trying to relieve myself of the bonds of selfishness, to f'ing grow up, to act like a believer in Christ.  I knew I was in trouble just last week when I was saying to myself, "Why do I need this?"  "This" being all the injustices I think I'm subjected to.  I want to get better.  I'm going to do this.


  1. Being able to honestly open up is always such a good thing.

  2. It's funny how marriages do have phases (life too!), and when you finally stop and take a look back, you realize how your "everyday" today is genuinely different from how it might have been five years ago, or even two. Sometimes that's sobering - when you realize that life really has gotten a LOT harder, and it's not just you, and you're not just crazy. And other times it's heartening, when you realize you've become a different person, and you're able to be more and do more without thinking it's a big deal. No question that some of the marriage phases are just plain trials, but with the passage of time, I think the love grows deeper - not more heart-stoppingly exciting, to be sure, but more constant; like both of you growing roots into each other, so that your lives are increasingly one.

  3. 'a better marriage, not one obsessed with the past.' I remember feeling this around year 4 as well. The realization of the better marriage is such a huge relief and blessing. So glad you are feeling better about things and looking ahead. While we can never know for sure what the future holds, it is healthier to focus ahead than back.