I Think I Need To Be Less Aware

I guess it's National Infertility Awareness Week.  I'm really not sure what that entails except I'm about as aware as I need to be.  My husband was very sweet to send me a link to a MS..N story on infertility: http://health.msn.com/pregnancy/the-invisible-pain-of-infertility

The article advocates infertiles coming out of the proverbial closet.  Give up your anonymity; tell people to their faces that you can't have a baby!  Except, what good is that going to do?  I value my privacy.  I don't want people talking about me.  Now, if a teenager asks me a question about infertility, I'd answer it truthfully.  But telling fertile people in my life about my condition changes nothing, especially how they feel about me or respond to me.  Now, I know some infertile Catholics feel self-conscious about going to Mass and it's just you and your husband, no baby or baby bump in sight, and people assume you're contracepting.  But I have some amount of pride in the same situation.  Knowing that I did everything I could, and did it according to the Church's principles, I feel like a survivor.  I am not ashamed.  I might be blue or sad or pissed about it sometimes, but the last thing I am is ashamed.

The big celebrity infertile news this week is that Bill and Guiliana Rancic are pregnant in a sense; a gestational carrier is pregnant with their biological baby.  I've been following their story for a long time, and hoped that I'd run into them when I attended Mass at their L...A.. parish.  I figured they'd use a surrogate.  They talked about adoption, more IVF.  However, for them, money is pretty much no object so why not pay for a domestic surrogate?  I'm just more than a little disappointed that as Catholics, they took this route.  Not that I'm not happy they'll be parents.  It just sets a bad example for the rest of us especially when they'll likely dodge the surrogacy cost question in their reality show.  A baby at any price?  Really?

If I sound like I'm in a bad mood, I am.  If all we have to count on for information is the internet, advocacy groups, and the government, we're in super bad shape.  I don't need the topic of infertility beat over my head.  Thanks, RESOLVE for awareness but sometimes women like me need a break.

Emotional

It was hard to get out of bed this morning.  I was so tired and hungry for sleep.  No, I'm not pregnant.  I just got my period; a 31-day cycle.  My husband likes to try to talk to me during my twilight sleep.  I'm sure he's trying to talk to me during REM sleep, I just can't hear him.

He said something that stirs up all kinds of different emotions.  Without provocation, he apologized for all the hurt he's caused me and how my life has been made more difficult because he married me.  It's true that some decisions he made a long time ago have reverberated many years later and have affected me profoundly.  I hurt for myself.  But, his own guilt hurts me more.  He couldn't have known all the consequences of his actions.  If he had, like any intelligent adult, he clearly wouldn't have done it.  None of us are perfect and our own temptations can override very good intentions.

I told him, "thank you" and encouraged him to focus on the good things rather than the bad.  What we have together is not perfect, it's earthly love and therefore, tragic, profound, and deeply joyous, sometimes occurring simultaneously.  I tell my husband, and try to believe myself (isn't that the hard part?) that life is not an upward trajectory.  And all the things we thought were perfect, have gone away and might not ever come back.  But, it may!  We just don't know.

I think this is where trust in God becomes so profoundly critical.  Well-to-do people (I lump most people not in poverty in that category) often rely on creature comforts or their own intellect and competency to make themselves feel in control.  But so many forces are acting in a way where we might be on the losing end.  It's this brokenness that needs God and I think really allows Him to work His magic, so to speak.  I love my husband.  I don't blame him.  He makes mistakes I don't, and I make mistakes he won't.  Therefore, no blame, just understanding.

Vatican Reprimands a Group Of U.S. Nuns

Vatican Reprimands a Group Of U.S. Nuns and Plans Changes

By LAURIE GOODSTEIN

The Vatican has appointed an American bishop to rein in the largest and most influential group of Catholic nuns in the United States, saying that an investigation found that the group had “serious doctrinal problems.”

The Vatican’s assessment, issued on Wednesday, said that members of the group, the Leadership Conference of Women Religious, had challenged church teaching on homosexuality and the male-only priesthood, and promoted “radical feminist themes incompatible with the Catholic faith.”

The sisters were also reprimanded for making public statements that “disagree with or challenge the bishops, who are the church’s authentic teachers of faith and morals.” During the debate over the health care overhaul in 2010, American bishops came out in opposition to the health plan, but dozens of sisters, many of whom belong to the Leadership Conference, signed a statement supporting it — support that provided crucial cover for the Obama administration in the battle over health care.

The conference is an umbrella organization of women’s religious communities, and claims 1,500 members who represent 80 percent of the Catholic sisters in the United States. It was formed in 1956 at the Vatican’s request, and answers to the Vatican, said Sister Annmarie Sanders, the group’s communications director.

Word of the Vatican’s action took the group completely by surprise, Sister Sanders said. She said that the group’s leaders were in Rome on Wednesday for what they thought was a routine annual visit to the Vatican when they were informed of the outcome of the investigation, which began in 2008.

“I’m stunned,” said Sister Simone Campbell, executive director of Network, a Catholic social justice lobby founded by sisters. Her group was also cited in the Vatican document, along with the Leadership Conference, for focusing its work too much on poverty and economic injustice, while keeping “silent” on abortion and same-sex marriage.

“I would imagine that it was our health care letter that made them mad,” Sister Campbell said. “We haven’t violated any teaching, we have just been raising questions and interpreting politics.”

The verdict on the nuns group was issued by the Vatican’s Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, which is now led by an American, Cardinal William Levada, formerly the archbishop of San Francisco. He appointed Archbishop J. Peter Sartain of Seattle to lead the process of reforming the sisters’ conference, with assistance from Bishop Thomas J. Paprocki and Bishop Leonard Blair, who was in charge of the investigation of the group.

They have been given up to five years to revise the group’s statutes, approve of every speaker at the group’s public programs and replace a handbook the group used to facilitate dialogue on matters that the Vatican said should be settled doctrine. They are also supposed to review the Leadership Conference’s links with Network and another organization, the Resource Center for Religious Life.

Doctrinal issues have been in the forefront during the papacy of Benedict XVI, who was in charge of the Vatican’s doctrinal office before he became pope. American nuns have come under particular scrutiny. Last year, American bishops announced that a book by a popular theologian at Fordham University, Sister Elizabeth A. Johnson, should be removed from all Catholic schools and universities.

And while the Vatican was investigating the Leadership Conference, the Vatican was also conducting a separate, widespread investigation of all women’s religious orders and communities in the United States. That inquiry, known as a “visitation,” was concluded last December, but the results of that process have not been made public.

Massive Update

Gosh, where has the time gone?  Here's the latest with me.  We did end up taking the motorcycle to my in-laws.  The morning ride was near torture.  I wore my thin riding gloves with a liner and the 10 degree wind just tore right through them.  We argued while my hands warmed up on the side of a deserted road.  I thought I had to wear fingered gloves.  My husband told me there were no rules and I should have worn my ski mittens.  We debated whether or not to go back home but soldiered on with my hands tucked behind his lower back.  That sorta helped.  Also, my hip flexors, especially the left one was on fire.  By the time we go to the celebration, I thought my leg was going to fall off and I spent the next half hour stretching.  The group was small this time, no SIL even though I was confident I could get along with her.  We ate and drank and were back on the bike by 5pm.  It was a race against the dark and by now, the weather had warmed so the ride back was quite fun and a lot faster than in the morning.

Easter Sunday, we went to the house of a dear friend.  It was a hodge-podge of folks with no where to go on Easter!  So, I brought my parents!!! :)  It was so great.  I made a spicy quinoa salad that rocked.  I am so proud of myself.  I felt so blessed that day.  And it was a good thing, too because the work week was one of my worst.  Why can't anybody treat Easter Week with a little bit of gentleness?  Last week, I felt like the mistake police.  Nobody could get it right and some people decided to use me like a trained monkey.  I'm doing my best to never invite that treatment again.  Let's see how I do this week.

My PMS started a full week before my period.  It hasn't started yet but should in the next day or so.  It does get tough when you're out of commission a whole seven days.  I'm moody, bloated, irritated.  My only consolation is God, thankfully.  I spent my lunch hour today at adoration chapel.  Hopefully, I'll do that every day I take my lunch to work.  I'm blessed, blessed, blessed to have an adoration chapel just two blocks from work.  A good walk to visit with the Lord.

Washington Post Article re: Natural Family Planning

Hey, this is totally cool it was picked up the the Washington Post.  There are so few of us using NFP but it appears to be gaining momentum.  

http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/young-catholic-women-try-to-give-churchs-position-on-birth-control-new-sheen/2012/04/15/gIQA9n1mJT_story.html?hpid=z3

Resurrection & Motorcycles?

We're heading to my in-laws for a Saturday celebration of Easter.  Fun fact: Sunday in Russian is (this is my best transliteration) "Voscresenia" which means "resurrection."  I love that!  We're relegated to pagan "Sunday" but Russian speakers are reminded of Christ every seven days.  Anyway, this is my sixth Easter with my husband's family and can really hold my own at this point.  I think.  So, I'm not nervous about that.  What I'm nervous about is my husband's plan to take the new motorcycle to the celebration.  That's three hours one-way and we're coming back Saturday night, so double it.

My poor neck!  The bike's a cruiser, not a touring bike and the last time I got a terrible crook in my neck.  I just can't get into my groove on this bike as a passenger.  Maybe tomorrow it will happen but I expressed my anxiety to my husband and now he thinks I'm backing out and wanting to take the car.  Maybe I am.  It's tough work to ride a bike.  In a car, you can basically space out.  I'm not advocating that, certainly and I think I'm more alert than most; I don't text or talk on my cell phone at all when I drive.

I know it will work out in the end.  I'm just not feeling at all relaxed about this.  We'll be at a dear friend's home on Easter for brunch with a bunch of other folks.  I'm bringing a quinoa salad.  If it's any good, I'll be happy to share the recipe.


Христос Воскресе!

The Transition

Transitioning from wanting children and not being able to have them to accepting childlessness is an emotional experience.  It's not entirely bad or sad.  Some very exciting thoughts and plans have come about because of our circumstances.  I don't want to start listing all the cool stuff now, maybe later or I'll set up a tw.itter account to compete with "999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility."  Mine would be "999 reasons to appropriately celebrate infertility."  I'm still sticking with my belief that perpetuated, deliberate unhappiness is an offense to God.  He tells us not to worry, right?  I'm not saying we're all not struck down sometimes and tempted by the Devil.  Yes, this is a straight up reality.  But there's something very holy, I think in seeing the silver lining.

This decision is very personal.  I can see the value in some couples deciding to keep trying and for Catholics that means using NFP to achieve.  I get it, you're very young. We're not.  I sort of am but my husband is definitely not.  For us, our TTC journey has ended.  And it feels weird writing that.  Like I'm taking the option to procreate completely off the table.  But it's really necessary to plan to the next phases of our lives.  I planned a lot of my career, my vacation bank, my savings on the belief we'd have a child.  It would have been totally irresponsible (I know a lot of people do it) to not plan for your child's future and be able to provide for them financially.  Guess what?  All that's freed up now.  And I have to plan for that freedom.    

When it comes to the practical transition, i.e. sex, we've, of course, had to talk about it.  Our discussion covered all possible options, yes, including the morally illicit ones.  I wonder sometimes if some devouts don't even think about the things the Church forbids.  Is that even possible?  I think about all kinds of things I would never actually do.  I would never not discuss an issue with my husband or not entertain what he had to say.  After weighing the options and praying about, I decided with my husband's consent to practice NFP to avoid.  I can't say I wasn't tempted by taking a pill to never get my period again but it's not an option for me.  There are too many unknowns and I'm not up for that now.

I'm very excited by the future.  The day spent with the Nor.bertines was a real revelation for me.  I'm thrilled to explore more time-intensive activities in the Church.  We're very blessed.  We owe God more.  

HPV Vaccine

Prevention: HPV Vaccine Shows Reduced Recurrence

By NICHOLAS BAKALAR

A new study suggests that the vaccine against human papillomavirus can significantly cut the likelihood of virus-related disease even among women who have had surgery for cervical cancer caused by HPV.

Using data from a large randomized efficacy trial of the HPV vaccine, the researchers selected a group of 1,350 women 15 to 26 years old who had undergone cervical surgery. Some 587 previously had received the HPV vaccine and 763 a placebo shot.

Those who had gotten the vaccine were 46 percent less likely to suffer subsequent HPV-related disease over the following two years. The effect among women with the most serious kinds of cancer was even stronger: a reduction in risk of 64 percent among those who were vaccinated, compared with those who got a placebo.

The lead author, Dr. Elmar A. Joura, an associate professor of gynecology at the Medical University of Vienna, said that many people believe that the vaccination is useful only in sexually naïve girls, and indeed it is most effective in that group.

But women who have had an HPV-related infection are at high risk for recurrence, and Dr. Joura believes it is important to vaccinate them as well: “Regardless of your age or your history, a vaccination can prevent new disease.”

The study was published March 27 in the journal BMJ.

My very special day with the N.orbertines.

My week was eventful and what I am most excited about, I'm sure God had His Hand in crafting it.  Work is very busy and dare I say it (because I hate this word) - stressful.  And more than that, the Devil was inhabiting my mind.  I've been fearful and resentful.  Ugly stuff and I had to quickly remind myself that these were evil thoughts that would come to no good.  In addition, I haven't had a day off in a while and on Monday wasn't planning on taking one soon.  But, He stepped in.  On Tuesday, I called a friend of mine whom I used to work closely with but now we have to deliberately reach out to one another to connect.  I needed some information from her but she invited me to a groundbreaking ceremony taking place on Friday, yesterday.  She's a very faithful Catholic with I think, at least five children.  Stupid me, I forget.  They are all about my age.  One of her daughters is a cloistered nun with the Norb.ertine Order just north of us in the mountain range.  Check out a very detailed documentary the diocese put together.  

  

You can read a real reporter's take on the ceremony.  

The nuns are cloistered and usually fast from visits from family and friends during Lent but this was a special occasion and probably a good opportunity to network for donations to the new facility, so we were able to mingle freely with the nuns.  They are an impressive bunch.  They are highly accomplished, educated women giving themselves totally to God.  I felt so honored to be there and just overjoyed that the day came together like it did.  There were, by my count, at least eight priests there.  One said to me, "What's your connection to all this?"  "Well, I'm Catholic.  Isn't that connection enough?"  :)  

The nuns listened intently to what I said them.  They were perfect hosts, reminding us to eat the cheese they make themselves while they couldn't eat it.  A lot of the parents of the sisters were there and it was wonderful to speak with them.  My friend told everyone she could that I was a convert!  Not that I minded, they seemed even more interested in me and my story.  I tried to jazz it up other than just saying I married a Catholic!  

I got into a conversation with one of the Sisters.  She used to work in computer science in L..A...  I really thought she was my age but I laughed when she told me she was 50.  I joked that their tag line should be, "Being a Nun Keeps You Looking Young."  She was the only one who asked me if I had children.  I said, "No, we're infertile."  She asked if I tried any natural remedies.  I told her that we'd followed the Catholic infertility protocol, had surgery with a Catholic surgeon.  She said that maybe now that the stress of trying is over, we'd get pregnant.  I told her, "No, the last few months we've come to terms with our situation."

I told her I felt so blessed to be a Catholic and have a sacramental marriage.  That my husband is a wonderful man and our lives feel full.  I said there are many wonderful, motherly, giving, nurturing women that don't have children.  "Just look at all of you Sisters."  She smiled and said, "Yes, we are mothers ourselves and all of you are our children."  Amen!  Yesterday, was one of the best days I'd had in a long time.  My husband even said he was so glad I was so happy, I should go out and do more fun stuff.  I guess work is making me a sour girl.  Here are some photos and videos from the day.  Enjoy!

  

OMG! and an opportunity for advice!

I opened an explanation of benefits letter last night.  And yelled OMG so loud my husband was extricated from his computer to come see what the matter was.  My local hospital is going to attempt to charge me $2,030.00 for one friggin' ultrasound!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Yes, $685 for the 30 second abdominal ultrasound and $1,345 for the transvag.  I get the pleasure of a transvag ultrasound and I am rewarded with a bill for $1,345??????

Lest you think I'm freaking out, I'm really not.  I'm in control.  I know this is a game.  The for-profit hospital price gouges and thinks an idiot like me will comply.  No ma'am.  First of all, the abdominal ultrasound was not on the order.  She just tried it... because... I don't know, she was curious.  I told her I wasn't having one and my bladder was not full.

I tried calling the hospital but apparently messed up the phone tree because getting to "member billing" got me in touch with a woman who asked me for my mental health claim number.  I might be crazy but that's not the issue here.  I want to negotiate this thing.

Now, ladies and whatever gentleman is out there... what approach should I take?  Should I pretend I'm too poor to pay (unethical)?  Should I tell them I've been such a great customer of the hospital that they should show some customer loyalty (ethical)?  Should I tell them I'll pay nothing knowing that they'll try and talk me up or even put me on a payment plan (stupid)?  I am willing to pay 10% of the $1,345 but that's really my max.  I know a lot of you have run into ridiculously high insurance costs related to infertility so I'd love the advice.  I guess the world can't reward us enough.  We can't procreate and if we want a little help, the powers that be will drive us into bankruptcy!

There's got to be more to life; It's not up to you

I like reading the NY Times obituaries.  Most notable people tend to die in their 80s.  Some get to live a bit longer; a New Yorker cartoonist, Al Ross just died at 100.  An aside, I love New Yorker cartoons.  I bought the complete anthology (a very heavy book) for my parents a few years ago.  They leave it on their coffee table in the living room and I read it every time I go over there.  I pretend to listen to what they say while I read the cartoons.  One of my favorites is from the 1920s.  The wife has just ransacked their apartment and beat up her husband and says, "I'm not angry dear, it's just that I'm terribly hurt."  :)

The obituaries expose me to other parts of the world and humanity that the media normally never comments on - the lives of non-celebrities.  What a treat!  Cartoonist, poets, WWII flying aces, spies, screenwriters-they all led terribly interesting lives.  It makes me think about my life, and other people's lives.  The choices we make.  I've been really perturbed recently by the immorality of some of my co-workers.  I asked a dear friend for advice on how to deal with these people and she gave me nothin'.  Turn a blind eye?

And then I think about all the good choices I've made in life and how, despite a serious personal calamity last year, really nothing in my life changed that much.  I don't spend money on a whim for clothes anymore but that doesn't dampen my spirit in the slightest.  I thank God we don't have a baby right now since this is absolutely the worst time since we've been married to have a child.  So, infertility has come in very handy and you thought it was all bad?  We were at Costco yesterday and you know how they have the product sample people in the store?  One lady was talking to another about child care and having to work two jobs to pay for a babysitter and the other asked how many children she had.  "Just two," she said casually.  But I worried for her.  Here I am with no child, no babysitting to worry about.  No kid to worry about.  My life just breezes on for the most part.

So, I work, I save, I stay as healthy as possible.  There's got to be more to life.  All these things we do, I do to fill up the time.  What's it worth?  I can calculate how much I save and what I'll need every year in retirement and I think about the quality of life's experiences versus paying for high dollar stuff.  My mortgage is 1/3 of my sister's rent for a dingy apartment one block from the beach.  Am I better off than she is?  Do I feel guilty for feeling fine?  Am I due for disaster?  I guess I'm not coming to my normal blog post conclusion. I'm just thinking that's all.

 

Your girl represents on the NYTimes!

Since I'm a subscriber to the digital NYTimes, they track my interests (sometimes OK) and their bot recommends all kinds of infertility type articles.  A woman wrote a short post to promote her book about using an Indian surrogate to give birth to her twins.  Homegirl takes exception to her methods to have children, writes a comment about it and gets 30 recommends!  Yeah!  I didn't link directly to my comment but I think I'm the only one that refers to herself as a 34-year old infertile.  Please read.

Ghetto Healthcare

OK, I'm being harsh.  I chose my radiology place for their close proximity to my work.  They are OK, not great.  Case in point, the tv was playing T.MZ.. Hour when I walked in and the other patients were apparently very amused by the crude humor.  While tempted to ask them to change the channel, I just tried to block my concentration on the show.  The receptionist wanted to see my insurance cards again and have me fill out another health questionnaire.  I protested that saying I was just here six months ago and NOTHING in my life had changed; health, insurance, or otherwise.  I did cave to the copies of the insurance cards thinking I was getting dangerously close to becoming the belligerent, wise-ass bitch.    She also wanted me to fill out a form asking about my periods and other gynecological health stuff.  I looked closer and it was for pelvic/transvag ultrasounds.  I remind her that this was for my breast.  Oh yeah.

The tech was running a half hour behind schedule and thought my appointment was a follow-up to the last cyst we found last year.  Had to correct her too, that this was a brand spanking new lump and she should have the doctor's order since I confirmed they received it on Friday.  Yes, she did have it and we would be looking at my left breast instead of the right.  There was a young woman in the room with us and figured she was an ultrasound tech student.  Indeed she was but they didn't ask me beforehand if this was alright with me.  For a split second, I was tempted to order her out of the room but I calmed down a bit and figured, no harm no foul.

The lump was easily palpable and came up almost immediately.  Yes, another fluid filled cyst.  I'm getting good at this self-diagnosis stuff.  The tech found a "friend", another cyst right next to it.  And this is when it got real ghetto, she called me "the cyst queen."  I rolled my eyes just thanking God for some sort of healthcare that required only an hour off work, a half hour if they'd been on time, but nevertheless.

Dr. Elizabeth called and left a message yesterday saying the report showed "just a simple little cyst."  I think when I do actually find a tumor, I'll call everybody on this childish, pedantic language.  I'm not asking anybody to drop everything when it comes to my breast health, but a little, tiny bit of respect would sure be appreciated.

I've been binging on all types of food the last three days, just yesterday I had a bag of peanut M&Ms, and two cupcakes.  I haven't exercised in a week.  And I feel great.  We're keeping our arguments to a minimum, that is our Lenten commitment and I owe it all to my husband who is steady as a rock lately.

Getting to know you

I've really liked reading the blogger bios that ladies have posted lately.  Honestly, I'd like to read more information, some of it looks much like the blogger profiles.  I know most of us like to protect identifying details (me included) but you'll probably see me submit something, perhaps tomorrow.  This video is a bit old but I thought it captures our love of motos pretty nicely.  Those are two of our bikes and now we have a third.  Not to brag about the benefits of childlessness... ok, maybe I am.

I found another lump in my breast.  Good times, so I go in for an ultrasound tomorrow.  I'll keep you posted.  Grandma died of breast cancer so this is not something I take lightly.

They Say I'm Crazy But I Have a Good Time

The family event went great.  The kids at our house didn't eat all my lasagna which kind of hurt but they also didn't tear up the house.  The hubs was pretty tolerant of all the squealing and running around and I'm proud.  I wore my very highest heels to the wed.ding and of course, I was the one squealing in pain during the ride home.  The most embarrassing moment was when I didn't recognize my own first cousin!  Ah, well I haven't seen him in six years.  Hopefully, we'll get the pictures soon.

On Sunday, we bought another motorcycle.  I'm supposed to be keeping this a secret and since I'm pretty anonymous here, I think I'm still abiding by the code.  It's pretty sexy driving behind your husband watching him ride wearing black leather.  That was really the start of my good mood.  I'm getting pretty stoked about non-medicated cycles.  This is fun.  The progesterone last cycle gave me an eight day period.  Yeah!  Work is busy in a smart way so that helps too.  I'm just happy.  Enjoy the music.