Emotional

It was hard to get out of bed this morning.  I was so tired and hungry for sleep.  No, I'm not pregnant.  I just got my period; a 31-day cycle.  My husband likes to try to talk to me during my twilight sleep.  I'm sure he's trying to talk to me during REM sleep, I just can't hear him.

He said something that stirs up all kinds of different emotions.  Without provocation, he apologized for all the hurt he's caused me and how my life has been made more difficult because he married me.  It's true that some decisions he made a long time ago have reverberated many years later and have affected me profoundly.  I hurt for myself.  But, his own guilt hurts me more.  He couldn't have known all the consequences of his actions.  If he had, like any intelligent adult, he clearly wouldn't have done it.  None of us are perfect and our own temptations can override very good intentions.

I told him, "thank you" and encouraged him to focus on the good things rather than the bad.  What we have together is not perfect, it's earthly love and therefore, tragic, profound, and deeply joyous, sometimes occurring simultaneously.  I tell my husband, and try to believe myself (isn't that the hard part?) that life is not an upward trajectory.  And all the things we thought were perfect, have gone away and might not ever come back.  But, it may!  We just don't know.

I think this is where trust in God becomes so profoundly critical.  Well-to-do people (I lump most people not in poverty in that category) often rely on creature comforts or their own intellect and competency to make themselves feel in control.  But so many forces are acting in a way where we might be on the losing end.  It's this brokenness that needs God and I think really allows Him to work His magic, so to speak.  I love my husband.  I don't blame him.  He makes mistakes I don't, and I make mistakes he won't.  Therefore, no blame, just understanding.