Transitioning from wanting children and not being able to have them to accepting childlessness is an emotional experience. It's not entirely bad or sad. Some very exciting thoughts and plans have come about because of our circumstances. I don't want to start listing all the cool stuff now, maybe later or I'll set up a tw.itter account to compete with "999 Reasons to Laugh at Infertility." Mine would be "999 reasons to appropriately celebrate infertility." I'm still sticking with my belief that perpetuated, deliberate unhappiness is an offense to God. He tells us not to worry, right? I'm not saying we're all not struck down sometimes and tempted by the Devil. Yes, this is a straight up reality. But there's something very holy, I think in seeing the silver lining.
This decision is very personal. I can see the value in some couples deciding to keep trying and for Catholics that means using NFP to achieve. I get it, you're very young. We're not. I sort of am but my husband is definitely not. For us, our TTC journey has ended. And it feels weird writing that. Like I'm taking the option to procreate completely off the table. But it's really necessary to plan to the next phases of our lives. I planned a lot of my career, my vacation bank, my savings on the belief we'd have a child. It would have been totally irresponsible (I know a lot of people do it) to not plan for your child's future and be able to provide for them financially. Guess what? All that's freed up now. And I have to plan for that freedom.
When it comes to the practical transition, i.e. sex, we've, of course, had to talk about it. Our discussion covered all possible options, yes, including the morally illicit ones. I wonder sometimes if some devouts don't even think about the things the Church forbids. Is that even possible? I think about all kinds of things I would never actually do. I would never not discuss an issue with my husband or not entertain what he had to say. After weighing the options and praying about, I decided with my husband's consent to practice NFP to avoid. I can't say I wasn't tempted by taking a pill to never get my period again but it's not an option for me. There are too many unknowns and I'm not up for that now.
I'm very excited by the future. The day spent with the Nor.bertines was a real revelation for me. I'm thrilled to explore more time-intensive activities in the Church. We're very blessed. We owe God more.
Accepting childlessness is freeing...I know that feeling all to well. I'm not young when it comes to fertility and I know that helped us to accept this realization a little more. We are living our lives and working on being faithful servants for our Lord. We are enjoying our home, our cats, travelling and many other things. Praying for you as you and your dh continue to discern what God has planned for you both!
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog through Tim O'Malley's Waiting for Gabriel post. I connect with many of your reflections and experiences.
ReplyDeleteJust curious: Why are you trying to avoid pregnancy? For me, one of the few good things about IF is that at the tender age of 34, I'm done with pregnancy avoidance forever. No charts, no timing intercourse, no worrying about what constitutes "egg-white." Even if I do get pregnant, my condition suggests that I will never be a fertile myrtle, and I'd be happy to have three kids (we're going to adopt one no matter what). So it's unlikely that I'd have more kids than I could take care of before menopause.
Sarah, I appreciate your comment. Your question suggests I was not clear enough about our reasons to avoid pregnancy indefinitely. There are certain things I don't talk about on my blog to protect my family's privacy. Given our life circumstances, we want to remain childless. Of course, I can never guarantee that we would never get pregnant if we used the "fertile" time. I use quotes since although the physical signs are presumably fertile, we're just not. But, it's nothing is impossible, even me getting pregnant. However, we don't want this for our lives and feel completely whole in living out God's mission for us. That's why we avoid or might use other means, depending on what we feel is right for us.
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