I'm Used To It By Now

But it doesn't mean it gets any less painful.  Granted, I'm doing better.  I didn't cry until CD 2 which I consider a major breakthrough and the only reason I did cry was because one of my best friends called me to lend a kind ear.  She's an angel on earth and her sympathy only made me feel more sorry for myself.

Here's the play-by-play.  On Thursday of last week I was very concerned that even if I wasn't pregnant (and at that point the odds of that were less than 50%) the progesterone supplements would just delay my period by several days and fool me into thinking I was pregnant with no test to confirm this.  So, I printed off an online coupon for an HPT and prepared to buy the thing at some point on Friday.

My Friday was very busy and lest you think that I think God was not looking out for me on such a terrible day, you'd be wrong.  Between seven thirty and nine pm, I was never alone except in the bathroom and that was only in the stall.  By the time I got to the sinks, there were plenty of women I knew to talk to.  The late morning bathroom trip was the confirmation.  Pink.  It was just spotting so I held out a tiny bit of hope that maybe, just maybe this was a fluke.  But I was P+13 and much too late for implantation spotting.  After briefly feeling vindicated that I hadn't wasted $10 on a test I didn't need, I went back to concentrating on my day.

After work, I went to Mass, had dinner with friends, and then went back to church for Stations of the Cross.  A long night but fun and spiritually gratifying.  Praise God!  My husband, of course was gone for the weekend and I wanted to be strong for him.  He hates it when I fall apart when he's gone.  So, I count the one crying episode that he doesn't know about as a victory for self-discipline.

So, those are the facts as they happened.  Now it's time to wax philosophical.  I know most of us have acknowledged that infertility can wreak havoc on our feelings and it always does that to me.  Am I crushed that I'm not pregnant after a medicated cycle?  No.  Am I surprised?  Well, yes.  I mean, I took injectibles that produced more follicles.  I took a trigger shot.  What the heck happened?  Could I just get pregnant even for a couple days?  Maybe I have been pregnant before but I never know since I never test.  Misfit wrote about this yesterday, the possibility of being a habitual aborter.  I harbor that theory and it will never be proven.  So, I should let it go.

It's just weird that twelve long days of progesterone doesn't length my cycle even just a bit.  I mean P+13 is where I am cycle after cycle.  Hmmm.

This idea that my reproductive system doesn't work at all is really devastating to me.  And terribly ironic.  Everything else with me works, why not this one thing?  This is not about being a parent.  My feelings about being a good parent is totally separate from the physiological issue.  Why the heck can't we get pregnant?  It looks like we can't even get to the first step, fertilization.

We're taking this month off.  We have a big family event next weekend and people are staying with us so asking them to please excuse me and not watch while I get a needle from the refrigerator and lock myself in the bathroom is not going to work.  I just have to take this one day at a time.  Getting upset is not helping anybody least of all myself.