The stress of not knowing whether "it" will work this time overwhelmed me yesterday. I yelled at my husband for coming home late. I made my own dinner and not his. We didn't talk to each other for four hours but managed to get back together early in the morning. I'm ashamed. I'm stupid. I'm losing it.
We talked this morning and I was explaining what was becoming so painful about not being able to conceive.
- I resent that for what some people is a cost-free process might become costing me thousands of dollars just to figure out what might be wrong.
- My Creighton charting, NFP instructor, and NaPro physician can't see any reason why conception isn't happening.
- While getting pregnant is a physical process that isn't happening to me, my mind and my heart wants the responsibility of being a mother. My husband mentions activities and vacations to have that cannot be done with a child unless taking a baby into the backwoods for five days is considered safe these days. So, while I think he's more in the carefree, "let's go have fun" mood, I'm projecting seriousness and responsibility as to what it means to be a parent.
While the stress still exists this morning, I tried my very best to trust in the Lord and improve my attitude and give thanks for all the wonderful things about my life. I put on my iP.od and listened to a playlist entitled "Christian POP!" I created probably six years ago. I've never liked folk and rock style Christian music. I favor pop, R&B, and some hip-hop Christian groups. You can dance to it! Here's a song I listened to this morning to help bring me out of the doldrums and back into a joyful mindset. I should go to adoration chapel today and give this stuff over to God.
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