Thursday, June 17, 2010

I'm so happy tonight, that His love is alright.

When I started this blog, I was sheepish about joining an online community that had suffered years of physical and emotional pain because of infertility. Trying only six months, me? What a complainer! I read about the "cross of infertility" and didn't have the first clue what that really meant. But, now I'm really starting to.

I used to tell my college boyfriend, "That's God" when something good or positive happened to him. But, it never occurred to me to say, "That's the Devil" which we were tempted by despair and sin. Going through the last two months of despair and pain not understanding why this was happening to me, wondering what I could have done in my past to cause these problems, thinking that perhaps this was just "karma" after getting my way all these years in work, education, love, I was due for a little disappointment.

I was in despair last night. I'm still trying to fight it off. It occurred to me this morning... I love Anne of Green Gables. I watched the Canadian TV series on PBS when I was a kid. If you haven't watched it, I can't recommend it enough. In one scene, Anne says to Marilla Cuthbert, "I'm in the depths of despair. Haven't you ever been in depths of despair, Marilla?" Marilla says, "No. To despair is to turn your back on God." Then the sad, dramatic music begins.

I am beginning to really understand what a call to faith this experience is. The Devil's dragging me down and making me think terrible thoughts. I don't spend enough time in prayer and giving myself over to Christ and feeling so strongly how transformative His love can be. Please pray for me, not for a pregnancy, but for stronger faith and stronger love for Our Lord.


  1. Rock on, what a beautiful prayer...because at the heart of everything, if we don't have Jesus and our Faith, nothing else matters. I know I don't always live that way, but more and more it is being made clear to me that I am missing out because I don't live my faith more intentionally. You are in my prayers! P.S. I LOVE Anne of Green Gables...already you are becoming a "kindred spirit"! God Bless!

  2. I love Anne. But Marilla is right. I'm loving your blog! There is no required amount of suffering to be reached before you "blog worthy". Every.single.month.hurts. Period.