One of my favorite quotes/exchanges from Anne of Green Gables is this (forgive me, I'm doing this from memory):
Anne: I can't help but fly on the wings of anticipation; it almost pays for the thud.
Marilla: Well, I'd rather walk calmly along and avoid both flying and thud.
I think that pretty much sums up the TTC experience. And my priest brought up this sentiment in confession yesterday when I broached the infertility subject. He knows we're infertile but I try not to talk about it since the first time he told me I needed to relax. I don't hold that comment against him, because 99.9% of all people an infertile talks to are completely and utterly ignorant and have no idea how to be sensitive. Well, this time he told me not to get my hopes up. Which is very interesting since most of the trouble I get myself into these days (let's be honest, wild anticipation abandon has always been my downfall) is anticipation-related.
I'm not sure how or if I'll ever not have hope we'll be pregnant one day. This is not a genuine quest for motherhood; I just want to know if our bodies work correctly. I'm flat out curious. "Curiosity killed the cat." OK, I'm not walking the virtuous road most of the time. The charting stopped a long time ago but I make a halfhearted attempt to keep track of my cycle. While I never know the peak day and only pay attention to the most completely obvious signs of fertility, if I even go a few days past 28 (remember, I'm the sucker who always has regular cycles) I start feeling a little bit of hope. False hope, of course and it still makes me sad.
In other news, I'm super excited about this weekend. We are going to be an An.gel C.ouple at a Retrouvaille session. I'm thrilled that my husband is as excited as I am about the service opportunity and we also get the benefit of working on our own marriage which is always time well spent. Lots of couple that go to Retrouvaille are in pain and I'm praying for healing and for God to touch the married couples we spend time with this weekend and everywhere.
As I understand it (and I'm sure you know this as well as I do), the Church's position on using artificial birth control so that you can avoid any likelihood of being pregnant without having to abstain during the "fertile" phase is an impermissible contraceptive purpose. I've already run the math on this in my head because, in fact, I found it an attractive option too. Not because I want NOT to get pregnant (which is the crazy irony - and which, I assume, is the same position you're in), but because, knowing as I do that I really can't get pregnant, I want not to have a basis to torture myself with the possibility. I've found it a little easier because I really don't keep track of my cycle to speak of if I'm not charting. I'm PRETTY regular (though frequently off by a day or two), so there's no reason I couldn't figure it out, but I just don't pay attention. Lately I have actually been aware because I'm taking HCG - I still never have any idea what cycle day it is, but I know how many days past peak it is because I have to keep track of p+3, p+5, p+7, and p+9 for the shots, and I can add seven days to p+9 pretty easily and at that point I am, of course, paying close attention. So I was definitely more peaceful WITHOUT the HCG shots, and thank God I'll be done with them soon.
ReplyDeleteIf I have a point here - and it's not clear to me that I do :) - I would say I've found it's possible to be disorganized and absent-minded enough not to notice when my period is due. I definitely recommend that as being a great source of peace of mind, if your brain works (or, really, fails to work) in that way. If not, well, I don't know. I view hope as the enemy, myself, and a source of needless unhappiness for those of us in this situation. I hope (!) that it will die a natural death in not too long, but I know our brains have an endless capacity to torment us for no darn good reason.
Best of luck in your decision. And I suppose I should say, I have noticed around these parts that many "Christian" women's friendship and regard are predicated on whether they agree with all of the decisions of other women walking this road. That's neither friendship nor Christian behavior (and nothing like what was modeled by our Lord), and if you lose friends or followers or whatever, whatever you decide, they weren't worth having in the first place. Just my $.02.
I love Anne of Green Gables!!!! And I love Misfit's comment...both of you are great writers! I may not always agree with everything either of you write - but I will continue reading, it is always interesting and thought provoking!
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