Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Reaching the end of my trooper tenure

I think I'm spent.  I'm still thinking about it; how to evaluate how I feel.  But at this point I feel pretty confident in saying that my trooper days are coming to a close.  I'm tired for the time being.  What I told my husband I couldn't do, finally came to fruition.  I cannot maintain two households.

I told my husband that just before he departed.  I wouldn't clean two homes.  I wouldn't do all the shopping for two houses.

Because my husband for at least the next six weeks is working 15 hour days, six days a week (yes, you read that right 15! hours a day, 6 days a week), he is understandably not able to do lots of things for himself.  When I worked in my first high-pressure career, we all joked that we needed a wife to pick up the dry cleaning, make dinner, gather the kids from school.  Everybody who works a lot needs a personal secretary.

But I can't be my secretary and his at the same time.  Let me explain.  I had the first interview for this job last Thursday.  I drove three hours on Wednesday night, drove three hours home Thursday morning, then drove back three hours on Friday night, then drove home on Sunday night.  Now, for the second interview tomorrow, I will start driving circa noon tomorrow and had originally planned to take Friday off work and come home Sunday.  Now, I'm thinking about coming home Thursday night and going to work on Friday.

I have all kinds of administrative things to do this weekend.  Paying bills, working on taxes, etc.  I can't do that at my husband's place because there's no internet access and all the paperwork is here at our house.  Everything we own is here except for a few pairs of pants, shirts, boxer shorts, and socks for my hubby in his new location.  So to plan for doing all the administrative stuff would take at least two hours to gather up stuff tonight so I'm ready to go to work in the morning, bright and early.

If I stayed with my husband the whole weekend, I'd have to pack up all the perishable food in the fridge so I could eat it there.  We are trying very hard not to eat out on the weekends although we did break down and get a pizza last Saturday.  Either way, I am still bringing some food I picked up for DH on Monday.

The kicker for all this was, even though my husband would be at work for the entire day Friday and Saturday he said, "If I want to be helpful, I could do some grocery shopping since he's out of food."  Now, I know this is not entirely true, he does have some food in the fridge but what a stab to the heart!  If I want to be helpful??????  My nightmares are about not being responsible so do you not think being helpful is a major life priority for me?

Despite the obvious attempt to manipulate me, I told him that he had to take some responsibility for himself.  He can't wait for me to clean his toilet (which I did last Saturday because he hadn't done it since he moved into the guest house and which took me all of five minutes) and vacuum his carpets.  But I told him he had to do these things for himself.  He had to find the time. I couldn't do it for him.  I already clean two toilets here and vacuum this carpet in our house.  He said he would.  I really believe however, that toilet will not be cleaned again. :(

So, I'm not quite sure what I'll do tomorrow.  My option is to wear my regular work clothes to work in the morning, change into sweats for the drive, drive to the in-laws, change into my pants suit all before the afternoon interview.  Will I have enough time?  Is the the rigga marroo worth it.  Should I just suck it up and wear my suit all day and carry the sweats in a bag for the eventual drive back tomorrow night or Friday morning?  UGH!!!


  1. I think that would wear anybody out. As far as taking care of your husband's place - given the amount of stuff you've described is there, he's living like a bachelor. How often did he clean his toilet before he married you? (Is "never" somewhere in the ballpark?) So, let him do that now. Don't buy him groceries - buy some Stouffer's and frozen pizza and maybe some frozen lunches. He's temporarily sloughed off the domesticating it's taken years of marriage for you to train into him. Sure, YOU think it's unimaginable that someone would voluntarily live like that, but that's EXACTLY what he would do if you weren't there. If his order of priorities are (1) I do fewer chores (2) I have a clean toilet (3) wife has fewer chores, he should have a dirty toilet. Either his priorities will change, or he will cope with the toilet. Don't kill yourself! And take a weekend off every now and then and DON'T visit him. It does no good to visit if you resent him the whole while, and clearly it is exhausting you. Also - why does he never come to visit you? At the house with the food and the clothes and the internet?

    1. I agree with misfit. That schedule sounds exhausting. I don't blame you for being stressed about it.

  2. Oh my goodness, that is a lot to think about and I am sorry that he stressed you out further with the comment about the groceries. I think Misfit has some good points and resentment is not good for marriages either - hmm...I may know a couple things about that. Hang in there and I will be praying for you for your marriage and also the interview.

  3. Tell him to hire a maid...that when you married didn't sign up for that job. Doesn't he get that when you go to visit's to spend time with him (be together) and not be at his place to clean?

    Good luck with the interview and keeping up with all of that driving! I am not sure I could do that.

  4. I have eviscerated my husband over far less (on the other hand, I'm not the easiest person to be married to).

    You should not have to maintain two homes. You are not his maid; you already have a job of your own. Let him clean his own house, buy his own groceries, and cook his own food.

    Agree with the Misfit: Why can't he visit you sometimes?

  5. I missed this post- sorry. Let the toilet go and take a weekend off every now and again. Praying for you..hope it all went well...