Closing

It's strange.  I've had a million and one interesting things to write about over the last week and haven't moved a muscle to get it done.  Maybe it's a fear of revealing too much or delving into topics most readers wouldn't be interested in (other than my deep sadness and grief over the massacre in Norway), or recounting discussions with friends that reinforce a lot of ignorance about infertility and NFP.  And these are with CATHOLICS!!!  I feel so separate (not the same as bad or sad) from the female NFP community.

I did read matchingmoonheads recent post about NFP Awareness Week and I think it's all very good.  I'm glad my husband and I learned NFP and went through the NaPro infertility testing.  More education is never a negative thing.  But I see the limitations of NFP that others might have not seen.  Did I lose time?  Maybe.  But it's not enough time to warrant much regret.  We're not out of much money or time spent on the tests.  Life is more than trying to get pregnant.  And your faith can deepen without NFP and struggling with infertility.  I don't believe infertiles like me have cornered the market on suffering.

Where this blog has taken me has not allowed for my very necessary nuances.  I'm not much of a poster child for the success of NaPro so I'm not worried about not remaining an educational resource for others.  I painted myself into a corner.  So instead of being dramatic about it, OK lightly dramatic, I'm going to close down the blog in a short amount of time.  I'm not going private.  I'm not writing anymore.

I have lots and lots of hope for the future because I know that God holds me close.  I'm excited for what's coming and pray for every one of you in the Catholic infertile community.  Blessings to you now and always.  

River

We've had a lot of rain and snow in California this year.  Consequently as the snow melts in the mountains, rivers have had a greater volume than in years past and are running much more powerfully.  Three young people with a church group were killed this week when they climbed over a barrier near a waterfall in Yosemite.  The reports said they were playing and taking pictures in the pool above the falls.  One slipped on the river rocks and was pulled over the falls the other two tried to rescue the first person and they went over too.  Very sad.

I also read about a waterfall in Hawaii where several people gave been killed this year when they were wading in the pool below the falls.  Rumor has it that the pool has a whirlpool current running underneath the surface but officials have said the current is calm.  These recent news reports reminded me of my near accident last year on our river rafting trip.

I've tried to reevaluate what happened and I talked to my husband about it.  He's convinced it was the waterfall that was pushing me back down under the water.  That might be true but I still think it was a whirlpool.  I'm not experienced enough with river currents to make a determination but I definitely know that, that was a risk I should not have taken.  My husband think I should have just swam harder and made a decision earlier in the crisis that I knew what was happening to me and reasoned a way out of the situation.

Which brings up an interesting point.  I think it's much more important to evaluate the risk before the event.  I didn't have enough experience with river rafting for that trip.  God forbid I'd been one the people whose boat flipped over and you're been swept down a Class V river.  And praise God that all the folks that did happen to were able to keep their wits about them and had rescuers down river.  But, that trip was just too much for me.  No one is strong enough to survive floating down a powerful river.  My husband thinks it's important to challenge yourself past the point of what you feel is dangerous but I'm finally figuring out at my age that knowing what you can do and what you can't do is better than taking a chance.

I don't want the bad memories of that trip to overcome the good.  Some of it was good.  But, respect for rivers and other bodies of water is so important.  It might sound silly but those little radio spots about boat safety doesn't go far enough.  A human is no match for a river.  There are too many ways to get hurt and too many ways, sadly, to die.

"Where Families Are Prized, Help Is Free"

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/07/18/world/middleeast/18israel.html?src=recg&pagewanted=all

A very interesting article.  Apparently, Israel provides free, unlimited IVF procedures until a woman is 45.  A few quotes talk about how much they value life, which I don't dispute but certainly encouraging more children in Israel is an apparent goal.  It's an eye-opening article.

You know your hair is too long when...

...you almost choke on it when the wind whips it into your mouth.  I'm really getting into this long hair since I've never had it this length and tried my hardest to make it wavy, fluffy, and fun.  It feel kind of gratuitous.  Don't shoot me but I think short hair is more professional since there's less opportunity to make it a centerpiece.

Trying my best to keep a normal attitude as I move into the dreaded pre-menstrual stage.  Even though I want to eat nothing but chocolate cookies and cheesy bread, I'm going to lady up and eat a chicken salad.  Agh.

Boy am I confused

Around Sunday I started to get mopy, feeling bloated and anticipating my period in a couple days.  I was very dramatic about the whole thing, complaining to my husband and him just this morning asking me why I haven't purchased a pack of tampons yet today.  Well, I was looking at my calendar on the wall and figured out my period is still a week away.  What a dope.

I stopped charting four months ago or so but I generally remember the date of CD1 and in this cycle, it's June 22nd.  In order to keep track of things, I use associate memories to figure out where I am in my cycle.  I remember meetings I was at or tasks I was doing or place I was visiting.  But in this whole exercise I learned that the mind is a very powerful thing.  And I wasn't bloated at all, I was just eating too many cookies.

So, it's back to being a bright, sunny person.

...to act justly and to love mercy.

Thank you to those great ladies who are praying for Suzanne and posted beautiful notes on her blog.  I know God is listening and will respond.

Last night at adoration chapel I was meditating on the passage above in my blog header.  And I focused on this phrase, "...act justly and to love mercy."  I repeated it to myself over and over trying to figure out how to best apply it to my current situations.  My SIL's birthday is a few days away and I normally send a card.  For a bit of time after how cruel she was to me at Easter, I contemplated many ways to drop her out of my life.

But I was coming to no pretty conclusions by dropping her from my life since she'd be a part of the family, for better or worse, much worse for a long time.  She is a reality.  I've faced many cruel people throughout my life not least of which were members of my own family who you come in to the world expecting instinctively that they love you and not want to hurt you.  Sadly, this is for some people, maybe a lot of folks, a fact.

While I haven't been to the point of forgiveness at least with the SIL, I feel called to "act justly and love mercy."  I gain nothing by getting back at her and gain a lot in terms of self-respect and hopefully with the Lord by showing her more mercy than she could show me.  So, I've got the birthday card and am about to fill it out.  I'm still contemplating signing it with "Love."  Perhaps, "In Christ" might be a better option?

If anyone has any good, creative salutations to offer, please do!

URGENT Prayer Request

Hello Readers!  I'm humbly asking your prayers for a wonderful woman in my parish.  She has what started as breast cancer that spread to other organs.  Her name is S.uz.anne and I've posted her email to members of our parish below:

 Just got the news this morning that my Brain MRI showed 15 tumors in the brain each about a centimeter. Certainly very very bad news. Doctors are hopeful they can manage this for a good amount of time and possibly even erradicate it, but tell me the next few months will be very difficult and emotional for me (I am now on Decadron for the brain swelling so watch for major mood swings!) 

I had the first of 20 daily treatments of whole brain radiation today, will have another tomorrow.  I'm also starting a new chemo tomorrow.  I don't know how these things are going to affect me physically, but if I am at all able to sing I definitely want to. 

 My Oncologist told me the fatigue will be so great that I will not be able to care for the children, that I will need help.  But singing makes me strong in spirit, so if I can I absolutely will.
 Thanks in advance for the prayers I know will continue.  We need a miracle now more than ever.

I just saw her and her family last weekend and she looked good to me but obviously is suffering.  She and her husband are raising seven children so this is especially tough for her much beloved family and close friends.  S.uz.anne keep her own blog so if you feel you are able, perhaps you can post a short note to her: (just remove the dots) rai.singsa.ints[dot]blo.gspot[dot]co.m

Thank you prayer warriors!!!

4th of July

Yesterday, we hung out with our super Kni.ght.s o.f. Co.lom.bus crowd.  Hot, hot, hot.  We got there so early, we toyed with leaving and coming back but ended up staying to help decorate.  Thank the Lord for the person who invented misters.

I had a chance to catch up with a bunch of folks I hadn't seen in a while.  But one thing really did stand out.  I often wear my St. Gerard medallion (a wonderful gift from a very special blogger buddy) with the cross my husband gave me for my confirmation.  Well, our super parish mother, (she has nine and is planning on a tenth.  Actually, she told me she's timing her next child to be born at Thanksgiving.  Talk about assured fertility.) asked me what I was wearing around my neck.

-It's a charm with St. Gerard.  (She obviously knows what he's the patron saint of.)
-Oh, do you have something in the works?
-No, not at all.  I'm infertile.  (Now I said this after having had three beers and to the entire table of people including her husband and another couple.)  See, NFP doesn't work!  (I laughed to show I was at least kind of kidding.)
-Well, I will be praying for you.
-Thank you.  I very much appreciate that.

Now, I wouldn't have been so open if it hadn't been for the alcohol but what the heck?  It was a very freeing experience to not make any bones about it.  I highly recommend others trying this. ;)

Peru, baby!

No, I have no baby.  You're the baby!  We're headed for Peru in October to do a 13-day, 60 mile hike.  Do we ever take relaxing vacations?, NO!  What's the point of laying on the beach?  We read about this trip in the NY.T.imes are we wired the money yesterday.  This is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I'm thrilled and excited to be doing it.

In other news, I saw the RE today.  I don't know why I put it off.  She was very nice, pragmatic, accommodating.  I give her my entire history and said, "diagnose me."  She stressed that getting pregnant is never a sure thing even for a couple, both 25 with normal fertility.  She said it could be my age, my husband's age, a combination of the two, or just plain bad luck.

I told her about what we're not doing (Clomid, IVF, the thing opposite a perforated condom) and she said that's no problem, we could do injectables with monitoring and sex or maybe GIFT.  My husband would balk at the cost of the latter (and I would to, really.)  And with the monitoring, we'd need to use a local radiologist since the doctor agrees that driving down to L..A... for that is stressful and unnecessary.

So, with this trip to Peru, I'm happily putting off any conception attempts.  What a nice break all summer to look forward to the big trip and not have to focus on fertility.  [Slow, deep breath]