At least it's happening to someone famous and important! ;)

Lots of Stuff

The items below are in no particular order.

• I'm scaling back a lot of my concentration on infertility.  While my mood recently has not been all roses and rainbows, I do find that moving on emotionally is a better way to live.  I'm seeing infertility like any other disability and it helps to frame it that way.  It's not going away so I'd better not dwell on it.  
• I have many things to be thankful for, work, finances, health (in all the other body systems.)  My work is very important to me.  I don't see any reason why I can't rise to the very top of my profession and I concentrate on doing the things I need to prepare for that.  This is not without it's problems like potentially seeing my salary rise about my husband's in the next several years.  It's really an inevitability as my husband will be long retired when I hit my professional peak.  
• We live in an exurb and I've invited my friends, my close friends from the Big City to visit us at our home and have dinner. Really, my cooking has become quite superb. :)  Mind you the drive would take them all but 45-50 minutes but nearly all of them quietly refuse.  It's finally upset me when Afina said she'd meet us in Mal.ibu for lunch when that's over an hour away from us and and about a half hour from her, both in opposite directions from our homes.  I sent her an email which she has yet to respond to saying how important it is for me to host her family in my home.  I can't help but feel slighted in this regard.
• My husband and I are taking Spani.sh lessons.  It gives us something to do that might turn out to be very helpful.  This will be my fourth language!
• I've got some spiritual goals that I should have been working on during Lent but hey, starting now is as good a time as any.  I'm working on gentleness, not being judgmental, not complaining, looking on the sunny side of things.  
• I just spoke to Jack (first boyfriend, close friend at one time.)  I had to get a straight answer as to why we were dropped.  He claimed that his wife did not ask him to do that although he could understand the issues with communicating with an ex-girlfriend.  I didn't argue with him but explained that his lack of communication hurt me a lot.  That felt good to say.  Jack said it wasn't intentional and said he was a bad friend.  I know I walked straight into this so I'm not at all upset but his wife is nine weeks pregnant and she's having constant morning sickness.  I told him we were very happy for them.  We're trying to get together, all four of us, for brunch this Sunday.  I'm not taking it to heart so much, I guess I just needed to say it.          

An Important Addendum

I neglected to mention in my last post that I believe there is a solution to accepting death and infertility, Christ.  Actually, the priest did mention it in his homily that many situations in life do not have a apparent, earthly solution.  But Christ is the answer.  Christ is the solution.  I think the Frontline episode might have been served with mentioning that faith can play a powerful role in the dying person and their families accepting the inevitable.  I know egocentrism is in vogue these days but a little perspective goes a long way.  Life is bigger than me, way, way bigger.  The life I want to live is perhaps not the life God wants me to live.

I'm seeing infertility like any other disability, it sucks but it's there.  Stephen Hawking who has ALS said this recently, "My advice to other disabled people would be, concentrate on things your disability doesn’t prevent you doing well, and don’t regret the things it interferes with. Don’t be disabled in spirit, as well as physically."  Amen.   

Something To Relate To

I just finished watching a Frontline episode entitled "Facing Death."  I've been interested in end-of-life issues for a while now since I've experienced the death of three grandparents.  Deciding when to stop treatment is very, very difficult because most people want to believe that there is always a treatment option available that can prolong their life.  Watching a relative or loved one die is very difficult but watching them die slowly in a hospital on life support, I think, is much worse.  I would highly recommend watching the episode; you can do that on-line.

We managed to escape for 24 hours this weekend.  I've been thinking about getting away from home for Mother's Day for several months now but just put the plan into place last Monday.  It took some maneuvering with the family to do it and although I explained that the infertility has been very painful and I thought they got it, they made statements later which makes me think they really don't understand it.  So be it.  I did the best I could to not be distant and remain loving when I said no to offers for brunch or dinner today.

However much like some British subjects who might have wanted to escape the Royal Wedding last weekend and their only clear option was hiding under a rock, if you ventured online or even stepped outside your house today, you couldn't escape Mother's Day.  I knew Mass would be a particular problem spot and it started with a young couple holding the doors for us the Los An.geles Cathed.ral and the woman saying to me, "Happy Mother's Day."  Hmmm.

The priest didn't much better when he asked all the mothers present to stand and also if you were currently pregnant, you should stand to, to come get a carnation.  I thought about standing and should have done it because I found it a bit isolating.  Sure, there were hundreds of people there but I still felt self-conscious.  And it made me think the Church or some leaders in the Church don't get it or understand the teaching.  All that matters is that you're open to life, right?  Faithful to the Magisterium.  What if I was the woman who'd had one or more miscarriages and I can't stand because I'm not currently pregnant?  What kind of crap is that?  I've done everything the Church sees as permissible to get pregnant.  I count and deserved that carnation.

But back to the Frontline episode....  Someone makes the statement in the show like, "I don't want to ever stop treatment no matter how small the chances are that it won't make me live better or longer."  I think how people view end-of-life treatment can be very similar to how they view infertility treatment.  It's not OK to say, "I'm not doing this anymore.  I surrender.  I accept because the treatment is making me more miserable than I need to be."  You know, we can do one more bone marrow transplant, or one more IVF cycle, or one more round of Clomid.  Right now I see the Femara as a last ditch effort but part of me is also thinking that it's pointless to go through this.

Before July 2010, when I began the diagnostic testing my husband said that we shouldn't expect to get pregnant until we know what's wrong and it's fixed.  Well, that's happened and we're still not pregnant.  The months on Clomid were really bad and made me life worse in those moments.  I don't want to do the Femara if that's going to happen and I just feel so much pressure during the treatment months.  When do we start asking our NaPro doctors that when quality of life is diminishing, isn't it time to stop treatment?  Or are we always compelled to kept trying because is just might happen to us?

I hate having to say this

It didn't happen.  I'm seriously bummed, practically numb.  But, I'm reminded of the more serious things happening in the world especially the tornado related deaths in Alabama that prayers are better offered for their souls and property.

I really shouldn't be saying this...

I'm in the familiar zone of the "maybe I am, probably I'm not" when it comes to achieving this long-awaited dream of having a child.  The facts are:

• I knew and noted here that this would be a long cycle.  I didn't really start fertile CM until CD 21 but determining the peak day is very difficult for me since the fertile CM never really ended.  Heck, I even had some on CD 32.  Today is CD 36 and my best guess is that yesterday was P+12.  That's not really significant for me since I've had many P+12 and P+13s in the past.  The highest I've ever achieved is P+15.  But I've been playing this game with myself that if I just get past Tuesday and Wednesday, I'm pregnant.  However, I don't know which day is the confirming day.  Is it Saturday?  Monday?
• I've never in my entire life had a cycle this long.  That's really not materially significant but it does make me believe that maybe this is the difference in my body that will make all the difference.  We used lots of days which I am forever grateful to my husband.  
• Of course, if it all fails today, this post will feel very silly but I couldn't let this opportunity to go by without saying something.

I learned long ago not to put the cart before the horse when it came to things like jobs.  You know, imagining what kind of apartment I'd live in, in the new city.  What would I do when I got there, etc.?  But as a woman who has never had the experience of a pregnancy, my mind is racing about how significant this would be for my life.  I'm tempted to list all those thoughts now, but I'll wait until I've confirmed this is actually true.

You might say, "why don't you take a HPT?"  Well, I can't take the disappointment.  Because if it's negative, then the pain is inevitable.  I'd rather not know.  But, the guessing game is still hard and anxiety producing.  

Anniversary

Today is my one year blog anniversary.  I really hope descriptions of my journey through infertility has helped some folks and my prayers for this large community have helped support a great group of Catholic women.

Excited!

I'm getting the heck out of dodge!  Here's my schedule for the next two weeks:  Tuesday night through Friday afternoon, attend conference in S..an Di.ego.  Saturday morning, head to the in-law's house.  Sunday, Easter!  Rejoice!, next Monday through Thursday, back to work (blah), and Friday, take the day off to watch a televised wedding.  Can't wait!!!

All of this excitement is causing me to not want to do much work for the remainder of today and tomorrow, but I'll make do.  I love traveling and I'll be doing it alone again this time since the husband cannot possibly take time away from work.  Too bad for him, he'll miss the ocean view room.

I am having the wackiest cycle ever.  I didn't get fertile CM until around CD 22 and I'm probably at P+3 or 4 today.  Although it seems silly to take tampons on the trip, I guess I will and hope for the best.  Maybe I'll have my Easter miracle. ;)

Commitmentphobe Phobic

I'd really like to hear your thoughts on this post.  I'm fairly confident in my feelings and evaluation of the situation, but getting a reality check is always helpful.

I guess I took Peter off my "Cast of Characters" a bit too soon since he's back.  While I was still sleeping this morning, my husband was up and about.  I heard him on the phone with someone talking about finances so I knew it was a friend and not business related.  But when I heard him say, "Stacy's the 22 year old?" that's when I got concerned.

My husband had left by the time I got out of the shower, so I called.

[Me] - Who were you talking to this morning?
[Him] - Peter.  He broke up with Kate.
[Me] - Why were you talking about a 22 year old?
[Him] - Oh, that's a girl he works with that he's [sleeping with.]  (He used a cruder term.)  Peter's coming out to L..A... in a few weeks and he asked if we wanted to go to Disn.ey.land with him.  I told him that we were all amusement park'ed out but we'd meet him for dinner.
[Me] - I'm not meeting a 22 year old for dinner. (Commentary on this below)
[Him] - He's not bringing her but a Mor.m.on he's dating.
[Me] - How could Peter be dating a Mor.mo.n?
[Him] - He's not [sleeping with] her.
[Me] - I could have guessed that.  Faithful Mor.mons are not dating a guy like Peter, casually or seriously.
[Him] - You don't have to come to dinner.  I can go by myself.
[Me] - That might be a good idea.

It's not that I wouldn't have dinner with a 22 year old, I would.  Age makes no difference to me, I'll talk to a 2 year old to a 222 year old.  It's just that 22 year olds that date Peter are hardly worth having dinner with.  But, he's not bringing her but a mid-thirties M.ormon that I can guess was likely raised as a Mor.mon but is not involved in the church anymore.  Everyone on my mother's mother's side is L.D...S.  I know something about how they live their lives.

I'm not so much worried that Peter wrongly influences my husband it's just that I am profoundly, deeply offended by Peter's lifestyle.  The casual sex, the new girl every two to three years, the debauchery, the cheating, I'm not into it.  It's a good thing Peter lives out-of-state because I couldn't handle this guy more than twice a year.  So, I've decided to not have dinner with them.  I guess that's it.

Crazy

I was convinced I was having my very first dry cycle since I got to CD 19 and had nothing, nada.  But on CD 20, it was 10KL x3!  Yo!  And today it was 1,000 CKL, if you use the multiplier and I was listening to this song at work.  So, I expect this to be a very long cycle perhaps 36 days or so.  But, we're using lots of days so I'm very happy.  Rock on!

Weight... wait.

It's all coming together so I might as well write about it now.  By it, I mean weight, body image, fitness, nutrition, all that stuff.  A couple of weeks ago, a doctor my husband used to see and I did see once and paid about $475 out-of-pocket to do that emailed people, including me, a video and short article about the supposed toxicity of sugar.  You can view it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBnniua6-oM although make some time because it's an hour and a half long.  I was viewing the NYTimes website and saw an article about the speaker in the video and his claims about sugar's badness.  The article is here:  http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/17/magazine/mag-17Sugar-t.html?_r=1&hp=&pagewanted=all 

I went to see that doctor because of my chronic yeast infections thinking that my problem might be based on my bad nutrition.  Well, it turned out the infection was bacterial and I was just using the wrong lubricant.  So much for a systemic cause.  The doctor wanted me to do this food allergy test which involved all sorts of powders and shakes and weaned me off nearly every type of food even the most healthful American is eating.  The powder sits untouched in the pantry of an unoccupied house.

I make being healthy a top priority.  I am fortunate in that the majority of my recent ancestors on my mother's side had no propensity for bodily disease and they were all thin.  I can't say much for their mental health as we have evidence of great-grandma having a "nervous" disposition which in modern terms can likely mean she had regular anxiety attacks.  And there's nothing inherently good about being skinny as at least two people in my family have/had an.or.exi.a.  I thank God nearly every day that He did not afflict me with that disease.  I continue to enjoy a healthy appetite.

So, I've got a good base but as I and everybody else ages, it can be hard to maintain one's weight or at least you probably have to work at it.  I've been involved in sports and dancing since I was a wee tyke and I love, love, love being active to this day.  In fact, I start getting anxiety attacks when I haven't worked out for two or more days straight.  I do anywhere from a half hour to an hour and a half of high intensity aerobics, weight training, pilates, shadow boxing, and dancing.

I don't exercise that much to be thin although that does happen.  I do it to be in great physical shape.  I like knowing I've worked nearly every muscle in my body and I've got the strength and flexibility to do anything I want.  It's also motivating to know I can control what others seem to not be able to.  While women around me (and some men) complain about how they can't lose weight, I secretly know exactly how to master this and can drop anywhere from three to five pounds in four or five days.

What I consider my normal weight is what I can maintain with regular exercise and not eating too much.  If I eat a lot, I'll be about two to three pounds over normal. If I am working out really hard and long and am fasting, I can be two to three pounds under weight.  I don't get nervous about my weight fluctuating a few pounds since I had be back to normal within a week if I half to.

Up until about age 25, I could eat anything I wanted (I would sometimes eat Haagen-Dazs and drink Grolsch for dinner) and not gain.  But, all that changed when I was around 27 and living in Washing.ton. D.C. and trying to escape a super bad work situation by eating my way out of it.  I never weighed myself in D..C. since I didn't have a scale but I would estimate I was about ten to fifteen pounds heavier than when I moved there.

On my month-long road trip back to California, I resolved to lose the weight and I remember it took about a month to six weeks to do that.  Getting away from a bully boss and lots of exercise was about all it took.  And for six years, I've maintained the same weight.

My nutrition was marginal up until I met my husband who by the nature of his work and how his mother fed him as a child, he was used to eating lots of fresh fruits and vegetables and enjoyed it.  I was never really a salad person and would throw a fit when asked to have one for dinner, but now I actually like salads and happily make them for dinner.  I get nervous when I've eaten too much food that's white, white bread, white rice, white whatever.  I run to something with color.

This winter/spring we keep the fridge stocked with fresh berries and I eat a mixture almost every afternoon.  That helps with fiber!  And it also cuts my appetite for dinner.  Lately I've had a rule that I stop eating by six o'clock every night although I have a far from perfect record.  Late meetings on Monday and Tuesday caused me to eat two McD cheeseburgers and fries and five oreos for dinner, respectively at 9pm both nights.  I hope to get back to the salad tonight.

Back to sugar... it stands to reason that people should eat as many non-processed foods as possible since that's a recent invention and the human race has gotten by pretty good so far eating natural foods.  But, temptation abounds and I would hate for anybody to have to quit yummy foods cold turkey.  So, for me, I eat well as much as possible but when I have the craving for a cookie, a brownie, and cake, I eat it.  There's no point in being miserable.  Amen!    

Lovely Day

I don't think I could have had a better start to a work day.  My husband's been very good this month about..., you know.  He's constantly asking me if I want to do it and of course I say yes every time.  So, he asked this morning and then said in a loud, full voice (we're alone in the house, though), "I LOVE YOU!"   "Darling, I want you to have a bouncing baby boy named (his name) Jr."  I replied that he knew we already have the names picked out and his was not the one.  Well, it would be the middle name for the first boy.  I sure love getting ahead of myself!  So, this song is dedicated to my husband.

My "Conversion" Story

Joy Beyond the Cross had asked for my conversion story so....  Why the quotes in the title?  Because as I was a baptized Christian before coming into the Catholic Church, I don't consider it a conversion.  I look at as a mutual acceptance.  I accepted the Church, they accepted me.  So, please don't get your hopes up about my story as it's not nearly as touching or exciting as others you've read.

I was a Metho.dist and then I attend a Presb.yterian Church in college.  Then after college, I was deeply involved with an Episcop.alian church and then I bounced between the three until I met my husband.  But, I'd briefly toyed with the Orth.odox Church and then met a seminarian right after college who I performed yoga with on the beach and he said since I was going to an Anglican church, I might as well go all the way and be a Catholic.  I didn't really concern me much at that time but I kept it in the back of my mind.

One of the major reasons I pursued my husband (and not just date him for a few months) was that he was a believing Christian.  Where ever you are from, Church-going men might be in abundance but in the big cities where I was living, it was rare.  And they might have some wacky beliefs they stray too much from what I think is basic Christian doctrine.

When we talked about getting married, my husband and I arrived at the decision that I would do the RC.IA class.  At least that's how I remember it.  It was just kind of easy.  I wanted us to worship together and Catholicism wasn't foreign to me and I think it's important to assimilate in marriage.  The latter just always felt like a good marriage principle to me.  Romantic, no but practical, yes.

I was not impressed with the R.CIA class as they seemed to jump to odd topics and never followed a logical program like I was used to in other learning situations.  However, my sponsor was my sweet, special friend Holly and we traveled that journey together and learned a lot about each other.  She is a deeply faithful Catholic with a tremendous amount of love in her heart for all of God's creatures.  Holly's the best!

In short, I'm a Catholic and I appreciate the Church in many ways such as how they support marriage.  As you've read before, I don't believe Church teachings should push into the legal sphere.  I recognize that it's a human organization and people make mistakes and large organizations make big mistakes.

My relationship with Christ is something I'm constantly working on and I take a lot of comfort in knowing that He's in my life and I can depend on him, even though sometimes I don't.  Wow, I'm starting to sound really pedestrian.  Anyhow, that's my story.

Behind

I'm way behind in writing about all kinds of thing here.  I want to write in detail about the Alabama trip and all the great places I found in Birmingham and Montgomery.  I miss the pace of life there and although I know how special it was to have that many family members gathered in one place at one time, I can't help but wish that's what life is like always.  But, I'm an adult and should have figured (or at least remembered) that life is not just about special moments.  It's filled with the mundane that I have such a hard time coping with.  Everyone tells me to calm down, life can't always be exciting but that itch for excitement never goes away.

I want to write about work but that seems wrong to do while I'm actually at work but suffice it to say that I've been here for several years and I'd like to move on to something else.  I guess it's because I don't quite feel like I fit here.  I'm a big talker when there are things I want to talk about, politics, religion, national security, philosophy, etc. and everything along those lines.  I just can't stand all the drama about personal lives, kids, dead beat dads, kids birthday parties, what kids say, the baby talk amongst adults.  Ahhh!

Do I sound hardhearted?  Perhaps, but I'm not a parent but even if I were one, I don't think I want to tell other people stories about my kids throwing up in the van.  I'm selectively sentimental at work.  Perhaps my brain is just not wired that way at work.  I'm not here because I surveyed everybody and think we can be best friends.  I'm here to earn money, be productive, and move up.  This is not a charity, but sometimes it feels very close to it.

P.S. I can't figure out how to close the comments on this post but I wouldn't want anyone to feel like they have to respond to my complaining, so don't comment unless you feel supernaturally compelled.  Does anybody know how to close comments on selective posts? :)

A Different Kind of Life

The memorial service this weekend was very, very beautiful.  The pastor gave the eulogy and although she flubbed a few names, I/we did overlook this given the great job she did on the full presentation.  I met my great Aunt ten years ago when she was in her eighties.  So, for me, her life was specific to her elderly years however, after hearing from other family and friends, she led a very consistent life up until the very end.  She was one of the greatest women and greatest Christians I'd ever met and hearing how she lived a life faithful to Christ was very inspirational.

Right before she died, she'd mailed a birthday present to her great-granddaughter.  She'd mailed her monthly church tithe, and left instructions that when she died, her son should pay the remaining tithe amount for the calendar year.  She never spoke badly about anyone, and although I'm sure she had her judgments, she never expressed them to me and no one claimed any different.  She was for me, the grandmother I never had, someone so pure in heart, she was an archetype for the ideal woman, gentle, kind, loving.  The pastor quoted her favorite biblical passage in Micah 6:8, "He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you?  To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."  


I had a great conversation with my second cousin's cousin (you wouldn't believe the distant familial connections in that house) and told him that during the service, I couldn't help but think about my own funeral and what people would say about me.  He said he was thinking the same thing.  It's one thing to admire and revel in the great faith and love shown by another person but I think it's appropriate to feel compelled to follow her good example.  


But, in thinking about how I might do this, I've paused many times to ask if this is even possible?  My great Aunt was a child of the Depression, did not go to college, married young, didn't work after her marriage or in her widowhood.  I don't think she ever traveled much beyond Alabama.  She was a product of her geography, her family, and her generation.  Could someone like me, ambitious, restless, worldly, Gen Y, showy, even hope to aspire to be like my great Aunt?