I really shouldn't be saying this...

I'm in the familiar zone of the "maybe I am, probably I'm not" when it comes to achieving this long-awaited dream of having a child.  The facts are:

• I knew and noted here that this would be a long cycle.  I didn't really start fertile CM until CD 21 but determining the peak day is very difficult for me since the fertile CM never really ended.  Heck, I even had some on CD 32.  Today is CD 36 and my best guess is that yesterday was P+12.  That's not really significant for me since I've had many P+12 and P+13s in the past.  The highest I've ever achieved is P+15.  But I've been playing this game with myself that if I just get past Tuesday and Wednesday, I'm pregnant.  However, I don't know which day is the confirming day.  Is it Saturday?  Monday?
• I've never in my entire life had a cycle this long.  That's really not materially significant but it does make me believe that maybe this is the difference in my body that will make all the difference.  We used lots of days which I am forever grateful to my husband.  
• Of course, if it all fails today, this post will feel very silly but I couldn't let this opportunity to go by without saying something.

I learned long ago not to put the cart before the horse when it came to things like jobs.  You know, imagining what kind of apartment I'd live in, in the new city.  What would I do when I got there, etc.?  But as a woman who has never had the experience of a pregnancy, my mind is racing about how significant this would be for my life.  I'm tempted to list all those thoughts now, but I'll wait until I've confirmed this is actually true.

You might say, "why don't you take a HPT?"  Well, I can't take the disappointment.  Because if it's negative, then the pain is inevitable.  I'd rather not know.  But, the guessing game is still hard and anxiety producing.