My latest personal tragedy is a confluence of factors.
- My newly married sister despite having said to my mother when she got married that they weren't going to have children ("they like their lifestyle the way it is") are currently going through their second round of IVF.
- I learned of the particulars of that situation how I usually do in my family, third hand. My sister told our mother. My husband asked my mother and my husband told me.
- However, my sister did talk to me a couple of months ago about fertility testing and "how I had so many options if I just wanted to learn about them." I told my sister that we were done with trying. We'd tried a whole heck of a lot. And I didn't want to discuss fertility treatments with her. She sort of obliged.
- My mother dispatched my father several months ago and my husband two weeks ago to "talk to ATC about getting her eggs frozen." I was and am livid. Not only does it display a complete ignorance from my mother, her continued non-support of me is chilling (no pun intended).
My husband said my mother asked him why we don't do IVF. My husband replied that ATC won't do IVF because she's afraid it would be painful. I didn't hear this from my husband. I heard it from my mother yesterday when I went to confront her about her comments about me. My husband, early this morning admitted he made that statement.
What my husband said about me is a bold faced lie. And it is extremely hurtful to me. He knows the reasons why we don't do IVF and pain and fear have nothing to do with it. But he is much more willing to shame me than take responsibility for his own beliefs.
My mother denied talking to my husband about freezing my eggs. My husband maintains that she did and what sense does it make he would lie about that? When one is dealing with multiple lies, it can be hard to sort out the truth.
The feeling of isolation yesterday afternoon after talking to my mother and husband was overwhelming. To say I felt like I didn't belong anywhere cannot be overstated. I told my husband early this morning I felt numb.
I often wonder if the others who chose and are facing a childless life have painful moments like this? Do their parents implore them to violate their morals in the pursuit of "happiness"? How does anyone tolerate this kind of treatment?
I asked my husband this morning if he wanted to stay married. He said he did. But then paused and said he wouldn't want to keep me in a marriage where I was miserable.
I'm mulling that over. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around a relationship where partnership is neither recognized nor publicly presented. How much disloyalty can be tolerated?