Love is a Decision

I'll be on a blogging hiatus for a few weeks.  I'll catch everybody up when I return.  However, after such a dramatic, depressing last post, I owe ya'll a sunnier picture.

It didn't start out on a promising note.  Yesterday, on a drive together, we were discussing divorce terms.  The conversation reached a crescendo when my husband said, "I'm holding you back.  You are free to move to a big city, get an indoor cat, have a kid on your own terms."  

It all sounded so great.  My mood instantly lifted.  What he had said is everything I want.

But, then it made sense.  The Devil was firmly entrenched in my life.  I don't hear much about the Devil in the Catholic church.  Maybe it's just my parish community.  Maybe you talk about the Devil all the time.  But, I remember in my Protestant churches, we always talked about temptation in terms of the Devil beckoning us.

If I hadn't had the surge of happiness in the middle of these dark moods the past several weeks, I don't think I would have realized what was happening to me.  

I remembered back to our wedding when our favorite deacon read the gospel reading.  I personally had chosen it because I wanted my husband, my family, and everyone gathered to know that marriage was permanence to me.  The passage was Mark 10: 1-9.  This is actually titled the Divorce passage.  

And here I was on Sunday, May 18, 2013, after nearly a mere five years of marriage, I was practically giddy about divorce.  

There was some calm silence in the car.  As we approached our destination, I said to my husband, "So, we made some pretty dramatic statements.  What do we do now?"  He said, "I don't know."  And then more silence.  

Mercifully, my husband said, "If we are both willing to make this work, it will work."  Slowly coming to my senses, I replied, "I want to make this work."  He said calmly, "I do, too."

Now, this was just yesterday but we made significant progress in just trying to lighten the mood, focus on good stuff, be nice to each other, etc.  I'm praying God gives me enough strength in the coming weeks to refocus on doing what He wants me to do which is stay committed to this man, put aside selfish desires, and fulfill my ministry.  

Nothing is as sacred as we want it to be when it's real

I'll preface the following with: I've always been accused of being oversensitive.  Always.  I figured this character trait would fade over time but it seems not to.  I usually chalk it to being my unique self; the personality God Himself gave me.  But, it also causes me a great deal of heartache that misses most people that are more dismissive of wrongs.

My latest personal tragedy is a confluence of factors.

1. My newly married sister despite having said to my mother when she got married that they weren't going to have children ("they like their lifestyle the way it is") are currently going through their second round of IVF.  
2. I learned of the particulars of that situation how I usually do in my family, third hand.  My sister told our mother.  My husband asked my mother and my husband told me.
3. However, my sister did talk to me a couple of months ago about fertility testing and "how I had so many options if I just wanted to learn about them."  I told my sister that we were done with trying.  We'd tried a whole heck of a lot.  And I didn't want to discuss fertility treatments with her.  She sort of obliged.
4. My mother dispatched my father several months ago and my husband two weeks ago to "talk to ATC about getting her eggs frozen."  I was and am livid.  Not only does it display a complete ignorance from my mother, her continued non-support of me is chilling (no pun intended).

All of this crap came to a head two weeks ago when I stupidly invited my parents along with my husband to watch me play semi-competitive basketball.  While I played my heart out, my husband got into a discussion with my mother about the particulars of my sister's treatment.  This is where the story gets fuzzy because somebody is lying here.  And it's not just any average Joe.  It's either the woman who bore me or the man I pledged my life to.

My husband said my mother asked him why we don't do IVF.  My husband replied that ATC won't do IVF because she's afraid it would be painful.  I didn't hear this from my husband.  I heard it from my mother yesterday when I went to confront her about her comments about me.  My husband, early this morning admitted he made that statement.

What my husband said about me is a bold faced lie.  And it is extremely hurtful to me.  He knows the reasons why we don't do IVF and pain and fear have nothing to do with it.  But he is much more willing to shame me than take responsibility for his own beliefs.

My mother denied talking to my husband about freezing my eggs.  My husband maintains that she did and what sense does it make he would lie about that?  When one is dealing with multiple lies, it can be hard to sort out the truth.

The feeling of isolation yesterday afternoon after talking to my mother and husband was overwhelming.  To say I felt like I didn't belong anywhere cannot be overstated.  I told my husband early this morning I felt numb.

I often wonder if the others who chose and are facing a childless life have painful moments like this?  Do their parents implore them to violate their morals in the pursuit of "happiness"?  How does anyone tolerate this kind of treatment?

I asked my husband this morning if he wanted to stay married.  He said he did.  But then paused and said he wouldn't want to keep me in a marriage where I was miserable.

I'm mulling that over.  I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around a relationship where partnership is neither recognized nor publicly presented.  How much disloyalty can be tolerated?    

I stood up

The priest announced before the beginning of Mass that the Mother's Day blessing would come at the end.  I was still undecided what I would do however pretty much leaning towards joining the standing women.  And I stood up feeling very good about my decision.  It was a wonderful feeling having hands extended in blessing.  Why this special feeling would be denied to anyone is beyond me.  I and any other woman who has faithfully tried to conceive (along with a whole host of others) deserves to stand.

After Mass, an older pal was beaming at me.  Uh oh.  She said, "You stood up!  I didn't know you are...."  "I am not pregnant," I stated in a firm, steady voice.  She said something after that, that I couldn't make out but clearly she was confused and rightly so.  I put my arm around her and said, "It's a long story.  I'm happy to talk to you about it when we have more time."  And then I asked her if her kids (all grown) had called her to wish her a happy Mother's Day.

Outside the church, my husband expressed concern.  "I knew when you stood up it was going to unleash a lot of curiosity."  Actually, he said, "...a can of worms."  "What am I supposed to say to people?"  "I doubt anyone would ask but if they do, say that your wife is not pregnant and if that person is curious, I am more than happy to answer their questions."  He said he was OK with that.

DH and I went to Starbucks after that and talked.  "This is the beginning of taking infertility out of the shadows.  I am not ashamed."  We say in Retrouvaille that pain not shared is wasted pain.  This is hopefully a new beginning.