Friday, May 27, 2011

Jack & Jill

Jeez, I'm not sure where I left off with my stories.  Ok, it's coming to me....  I did write about calling Jack and letting him know how it felt to be abandoned by his friendship.  He suggested getting together and that did happen last weekend.

My husband, bless his sweet heart, really enjoys Jack and says he's very interesting to talk to since he knows many things.  I know this to be somewhat true but I know Jack to make statements that are clearly untrue just to argue the point and draw the other party into it.  Case in point, he told me when we were dating that "70% of the  po.r.n is consumed by women."  This is such a crazy statement that even I couldn't believe it but it stands as a prime example of Jack's thinking.

They were late.  Jill wasn't going to come since she has morning sickness but managed to make it.  The conversation was pleasant enough.  I refrained from calling them out on their chicken behavior.  Hell, if you want to end it, be a man (or woman) and say it.  Don't drop it.  I did my duty as a former girlfriend and someone who's known Jack for sixteen years, not to let his wife know that I know him better than she does.  She is stupid not to believe it but I didn't want to confirm anything.  Almost everything experienceable that Jack talked about, I was actually there when it happened or knew about it within minutes of it happening.

The only thing Jack said that pissed me off was when he said African priests are hyper-conservative and hate gays.  I reminded him that one of our priests is African and he f'ing officiated at our wedding that Jack and Jill attended.  He's never talked about things he hates or even dislikes, other than sin and I wouldn't ever imagine him speaking against homosexuality even if he didn't like it.  Despite coming from a strong Catholic family himself, Jack can't bring himself to be respectful.

Jill did say something that made me a bit concerned in that she's somewhat religious (heck, they kneeled at an altar at their wedding) but Jack's an atheist and Jill's worried this will cause some problems once the baby's born.  I could see that coming a mile away.  No one think differing religious views can hurt a couple until you introduce another human being into the situation that you have to raise.

I didn't want to sound like their mother but I do find it odd they felt it was a good time to have a baby when they both do freelance work and they haven't work since Christmas.  They live in a very desirable beach community and they pay dearly for that, a tiny 700 sqft, one bedroom, one bathroom condo.  I did ask how they were going to put a child in that place and Jack conceded that finding another place to live might be in their immediate future.  Too bad the condo is worth $100K less that what he bought it for on 100% financing.

If it seems like I'm gloating, I feel justified about that to a certain extent.  I mean, my husband and I own a big enough home for three kids, we make enough money to give our kids a nice lifestyle but ironically, we have no kids.  We did rehearse before the brunch what we'd say if they asked us about pregnancy plans, but thankfully Jack and Jill didn't address it and I tried to ask no questions about her pregnancy.  I really didn't want to break them out of their naive belief that pregnancy is a highly controllable state.  Ignorance in their case, is bliss.

I'm not calling him anymore.  While I could spend lots of time wishing he would be a better person and friend, the odds are stacked against that and I've got to move forward with more trustworthy folks.  At least I got to drink a bloody mary.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

On The Fence?

I talked to Dr. Sti.gen a couple weeks ago.  I'm not sure I wrote about it here.  I asked her about doing an ultrasound study but after talking with the husband, decided against it.  If I was insecure about my CM, I certainly don't want the same thing when it comes to follicle size.  Besides, it's not practical.  Not cost-effective or time-effective.  I can do without.

She mailed me a cycle plan with all the regular NaPro stuff, Femara, Vitamin B6, Fertile CM, Mucinex, Biaxin, Low Dose Naltrexone, and the blood draw order.  Part of me thinks why not do it?  Could it hurt?  But, I'm not jazzed about anything I've taken before.  Femara's not got me convinced and the possible nightmares on Naltrexone is scaring me half to death.  I'm already an intense dreamer and blocking my opioids hardly sounds promising.

None of what she wants me to take is very groundbreaking in the NaPro world, it's what they all prescribe.  I'm just not there with trying the same thing for yet another cycle and trying anything new.  I haven't filled all the prescriptions and so this next cycle will be drug free again.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Lots of Stuff

The items below are in no particular order.
  • I'm scaling back a lot of my concentration on infertility.  While my mood recently has not been all roses and rainbows, I do find that moving on emotionally is a better way to live.  I'm seeing infertility like any other disability and it helps to frame it that way.  It's not going away so I'd better not dwell on it.  
  • I have many things to be thankful for, work, finances, health (in all the other body systems.)  My work is very important to me.  I don't see any reason why I can't rise to the very top of my profession and I concentrate on doing the things I need to prepare for that.  This is not without it's problems like potentially seeing my salary rise about my husband's in the next several years.  It's really an inevitability as my husband will be long retired when I hit my professional peak.  
  • We live in an exurb and I've invited my friends, my close friends from the Big City to visit us at our home and have dinner. Really, my cooking has become quite superb. :)  Mind you the drive would take them all but 45-50 minutes but nearly all of them quietly refuse.  It's finally upset me when Afina said she'd meet us in Mal.ibu for lunch when that's over an hour away from us and and about a half hour from her, both in opposite directions from our homes.  I sent her an email which she has yet to respond to saying how important it is for me to host her family in my home.  I can't help but feel slighted in this regard.
  • My husband and I are taking lessons.  It gives us something to do that might turn out to be very helpful.  This will be my fourth language!
  • I've got some spiritual goals that I should have been working on during Lent but hey, starting now is as good a time as any.  I'm working on gentleness, not being judgmental, not complaining, looking on the sunny side of things.  
  • I just spoke to Jack (first boyfriend, close friend at one time.)  I had to get a straight answer as to why we were dropped.  He claimed that his wife did not ask him to do that although he could understand the issues with communicating with an ex-girlfriend.  I didn't argue with him but explained that his lack of communication hurt me a lot.  That felt good to say.  Jack said it wasn't intentional and said he was a bad friend.  I know I walked straight into this so I'm not at all upset but his wife is nine weeks pregnant and she's having constant morning sickness.  I told him we were very happy for them.  We're trying to get together, all four of us, for brunch this Sunday.  I'm not taking it to heart so much, I guess I just needed to say it.          

Monday, May 9, 2011

An Important Addendum

I neglected to mention in my last post that I believe there is a solution to accepting death and infertility, Christ.  Actually, the priest did mention it in his homily that many situations in life do not have a apparent, earthly solution.  But Christ is the answer.  Christ is the solution.  I think the Frontline episode might have been served with mentioning that faith can play a powerful role in the dying person and their families accepting the inevitable.  I know egocentrism is in vogue these days but a little perspective goes a long way.  Life is bigger than me, way, way bigger.  The life I want to live is perhaps not the life God wants me to live.

I'm seeing infertility like any other disability, it sucks but it's there.  Stephen Hawking who has ALS said this recently, "My advice to other disabled people would be, concentrate on things your disability doesn’t prevent you doing well, and don’t regret the things it interferes with. Don’t be disabled in spirit, as well as physically."  Amen.   

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Something To Relate To

I just finished watching a Frontline episode entitled "Facing Death."  I've been interested in end-of-life issues for a while now since I've experienced the death of three grandparents.  Deciding when to stop treatment is very, very difficult because most people want to believe that there is always a treatment option available that can prolong their life.  Watching a relative or loved one die is very difficult but watching them die slowly in a hospital on life support, I think, is much worse.  I would highly recommend watching the episode; you can do that on-line.

We managed to escape for 24 hours this weekend.  I've been thinking about getting away from home for Mother's Day for several months now but just put the plan into place last Monday.  It took some maneuvering with the family to do it and although I explained that the infertility has been very painful and I thought they got it, they made statements later which makes me think they really don't understand it.  So be it.  I did the best I could to not be distant and remain loving when I said no to offers for brunch or dinner today.

However much like some British subjects who might have wanted to escape the Royal Wedding last weekend and their only clear option was hiding under a rock, if you ventured online or even stepped outside your house today, you couldn't escape Mother's Day.  I knew Mass would be a particular problem spot and it started with a young couple holding the doors for us the Los An.geles Cathed.ral and the woman saying to me, "Happy Mother's Day."  Hmmm.

The priest didn't much better when he asked all the mothers present to stand and also if you were currently pregnant, you should stand to, to come get a carnation.  I thought about standing and should have done it because I found it a bit isolating.  Sure, there were hundreds of people there but I still felt self-conscious.  And it made me think the Church or some leaders in the Church don't get it or understand the teaching.  All that matters is that you're open to life, right?  Faithful to the Magisterium.  What if I was the woman who'd had one or more miscarriages and I can't stand because I'm not currently pregnant?  What kind of crap is that?  I've done everything the Church sees as permissible to get pregnant.  I count and deserved that carnation.

But back to the Frontline episode....  Someone makes the statement in the show like, "I don't want to ever stop treatment no matter how small the chances are that it won't make me live better or longer."  I think how people view end-of-life treatment can be very similar to how they view infertility treatment.  It's not OK to say, "I'm not doing this anymore.  I surrender.  I accept because the treatment is making me more miserable than I need to be."  You know, we can do one more bone marrow transplant, or one more IVF cycle, or one more round of Clomid.  Right now I see the Femara as a last ditch effort but part of me is also thinking that it's pointless to go through this.

Before July 2010, when I began the diagnostic testing my husband said that we shouldn't expect to get pregnant until we know what's wrong and it's fixed.  Well, that's happened and we're still not pregnant.  The months on Clomid were really bad and made me life worse in those moments.  I don't want to do the Femara if that's going to happen and I just feel so much pressure during the treatment months.  When do we start asking our NaPro doctors that when quality of life is diminishing, isn't it time to stop treatment?  Or are we always compelled to kept trying because is just might happen to us?