I Object

I've got so many ideas swimming in my head, I'm not sure I can write a post that's properly organized but heck, I have to try for my own sanity.  There are several themes going on out there in the infertile blogging community.  I don't presume to know why certain women feel certain things but my brain fires up when I read interpretations of events or feelings that are not theologically sound or rational.  We can't know God, know what He wants, but that doesn't stop many of us, including me, from labeling certain events like pregnancies or adoptions as miracles or explaining some one's infertility as their fault because they weren't a virgin when they got married.  Yes, someone did say this to me.

In fact, a very honest blogger who's now gone private questioned why she wasn't getting pregnant after many years even though she was a virgin at marriage.  She "did everything right" so why no child?  For those who are more virtuous than most, I think the temptation to believe that your gentleness, your kindness, your purity, your faithfulness means God will grant you your every desire.  And I think that's flat out wrong and not in accordance with what's in the Bible.  Anybody remember Job?  And what about David?  That guy screwed up big time and God never gave up on him.

Is it our culture?  I fell victim to this before infertility, which is why I consider infertility as a great lesson in humility, but are we so privileged, so used to getting what we want, we can't accept the fact that life doesn't meet our expectations?  It's easy to sit back as a happily married, young woman and bemoan the lack of a child.  But what about our friends who are single and want to meet the right person to marry?  I guess going on and on about how great your husband is makes a single person happening upon your blog pretty mad.

I think (and people can correct me if this is wrong) I've been a pretty staunch supporter of the newly pregnant.  I feel bad when they have to write the sympathy post.  It goes pretty much like this:

Wow, I've wanted to be pregnant for so long, like two years but that's really not very long because some of you have waited longer and that makes me feel really bad because I feel good and you don't because pregnancy is a game changer and my heart breaks for you because this is so joyous but know that I'm praying for you that your miracle i.e., getting pregnant comes real soon, like next month.

If you are pregnant, I am so happy for you, honestly!  It doesn't take anything away from me in the slightest.  If you are now infertile and get pregnant, you have my permission to not write about sympathising with infertiles.  I want you to celebrate and write about how good you feel.  You deserve it.  I say that because I'm personally comfortable where I left off my treatment and I'm realistic about certain biological facts.  I'm not willing right now to do a follicular ultrasound series and take HCG shots.  It's not worth my time, not worth my trouble.  For those of you doing what I'm doing, and I don't think anyone else is, I'm amazed when you start investigating the advantages of not having children, you'll find some good things.

However, I realize that for lots of women, accepting a child-free life is not an option.  It was never what you envisioned for your life and if you want it and are willing to undergo medical treatments to get it.  God speed!  But, I guess what got my goat recently was a post by a pregnant blogger (I won't link since I'm trying to not pick a fight, seriously) who wrote the obligatory "I'm so sorry you're not pregnant, too" by specifically calling her pregnancy a miracle that she was unworthy of, implying (likely unintentionally) that infertiles must be so incredibly unworthy, like purgatory unworthy because that's why we're not pregnant.

What I really want is those folks that are taking hormones and have had laparoscopic surgery to thank the manufacturer of HCG, your ultrasound tech, and your surgeon for getting your reproductive system to a place where it was possible to get pregnant.  I'm not at all saying that God didn't have His Hand in your conceiving.  I just can't prove that He did or didn't.  But I can say with relative confidence that medical intervention could be a cause.  That's why we have surgery and take drugs instead of spending that time in concentrated prayer for a miracle.

The big thing I objected to in that person's post was talking about how much joy she felt because of the pregnancy and said that the pregnancy had already changed everything (except finances.)  She made several comparisons to how no other joy could compare and pregnancy joy is so transforming that it would be horrible to miss out on.  I like strong statements.  But, I have a problem when a Christian starts classifying levels of joy or saying one joy is better than another or even failing to mention the joy we feel knowing God gave His only son for the salvation of the world.

Not ever having been pregnant, I'll rely on the mothers out there to confirm this but I've felt the joy of faith in Christ. I've experienced euphoria, yes, euphoria grasping the concept in every fiber of my being, that God loves me that much that He would allow His own son to be murdered, tortured for me and you and every other sinner.  To know that Christ on the cross cried out in agony, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" is utterly profound that joy is the only appropriate emotion for that kind of grace.  And the beautiful, really joyous thing about faith in Christ, is that it's open to everybody!  Pregnancy doesn't approach that level of accessibility.

It might read like I'm condemning this blogger's post or position, I sincerely am not.  I don't think she meant to offend or exclude anybody.  But I wanted to offer another side to the argument.  Please don't feel sorry for me that I'm not feeling the particular kind of joy you are.  My life is filled with joyous events and manifestations of faith.  It's not an opinion that's offered up very much especially by women who want children but it is possible to live a full, maybe even fuller life without kids.  You might think that to be heresy but I think it's opening your soul to the fullness of Christ.  Christ changes everything.  Christ is transforming.  Believe it.