Airing the Chapel

Our Society Has Really F*cked Up Ideas About Having Children

2012-02-25T12:55:00.000-08:00

A few days ago, a study came out that showed half of all births to American women under 30 occur outside of marriage. Then there was a two-person discussion with Gail Collins and David Brooks published by the New York Times titled Who Decided That This Election Should Be All About Sex? It was an interesting read and they also talked about the aforementioned study. Here's the most intriguing exchange:

Gail: But I know the woman-related news that most interests you is the new government data on the rise of unwed mothers. It seems likely that pretty soon most American children will be born to unmarried women. The big argument seems to be whether this is a result of the lack of good-paying blue collar jobs or a split in our society, in which the bottom third – or half or two-thirds – lead lives that are too chaotic for long-term relationships.

David: I’ve tried to argue that it’s both. It’s a spiral of economic and social influences that are impossible to untangle. As one social scientist put it, what nature hath joined together, multiple regression cannot put asunder.

Gail: There’s a really good book on this subject called “Promises I Can Keep,” by Kathryn Edin and Maria Kefalas. They concluded that low-income women saw marriage not as the beginning of their lives, but as the payoff. They intended to wait until they had put together enough resources to have a nice wedding, and then live in a good place of their own. They were also, of course, waiting to find a man who was settled and stable enough to be a good husband.

In some ways they weren’t different from college-educated women, who tended to put off marriage until they’d gotten their careers off the ground. The difference was that the poorer women regarded marriage as a reward, but children as a necessity. They weren’t prepared to defer motherhood the way their better educated peers were.

David: I’m so glad you mentioned that book. I’ve been hoping to plug it in a column. It is indeed really good. I do think that the life script that many low-income women envision is simply not correct, though. As you say, they see marriage as a culmination. They have kids, get a good job and make some money, and then they can afford the lovely wedding. That’s backward. For most people getting married is not the payoff after an upward climb it’s the tool to advance the upward climb.

Married people save money. Married people have more settled habits. Married men are much more stable. When people marry first they are more likely to make it later.

I really believe we need to have a national discussion about marriage and having kids. I'm not sure where those topics are introduced. Perhaps in sex education? I went to public school and in high school we heard the topic in health class. The mechanics are interesting sure but the significance of a stable marriage and having kids at the right time are far more critical to a person's well-being that simply understanding puberty and how fertilization takes place.

It's not like the educated classes have the upper hand in understanding life priorities and fertility. I had lunch with Afina last weekend. She's pregnant again. I'm thrilled! Really. It happened in her last pregnancy and again now where the obstetrician at the best university hospital west of the Mississippi said to her and her husband, "Was this a planned pregnancy?" Her husband rightly replied, "You're kidding, right?" I know the argument that planned pregnancies result in a healthier mother and in turn, a healthier baby. That's great. But for a doctor to presume pregnancies among highly educated women in their mid-thirties are somehow an accident is very offensive and ignorant.

Ok, maybe it's not so ignorant. With all this HHS/contraception stuff going on, our government is sending the message that contraception is health care. And a lot of people, millions are buying into it. I can see the value in not having children born to unwed mothers. But apparently a lot of people figured out, but not me, that if you marry in your thirties (and your husband in his late forties), it might be too late.

I was asked again this week by a co-worker if we planned to have children. My reply was that it's not so easy to get pregnant in your mid-thirties. I could see in her eyes that, that didn't compute. I said that the best time to start having children is in your late teens and early twenties, biologically-speaking. She said that's what she did; got married at 17. I asked if they started having kids right away? Oh yes, of course.

Americans love to believe everything in life is a choice. All you have do is really want something, work hard at it, and the goal is seized. There is a great column which I can't find right now in the Washington Post by a doctor who writes that even for the terminally ill, we view death as an option, not life's certainty. Families sometimes want to put their loved ones through very rigorous medical treatments to hopefully make them life longer but those treatments can sometimes mean just a more miserable death.

When people, even some of my friends, ask me if we're going to have children I know they view it as a choice. I'm trying to start having that conversation to at least educate people that wanting children does not equal having them. I've read some comments on blogs that if they just had enough money to afford IVF, they'd have their family. That's very sad for me to read. We think medical tests can tells us what's wrong 100% of the time, and medical treatments will work 100% of the time. And that's completely wrong.

When I was 29 or 30, and dating my husband, Dr. Elizabeth said that I shouldn't really put off having kids. That once I found the right partner, (I'll note that she didn't say I had to marry him) I should start trying to have kids. Fair enough but I think that advice was a little late and misplaced. Apparently the low income women under 30 get it right, biologically-speaking. That's the best time to have kids because you're more likely to actually get pregnant.

When I was in college, the lone female executive at the company I was to start my career at, said (and this is burned in my brain), "All of my friends did it wrong. They had kids in their twenties, at the start of their career when they had no power. I waited until my late thirties to have kids when I could write my own ticket because I'd been at the company so long." And she worked from home when she had her first child because she was so damn important to the company. But there were consequences to her thoughtful decisions. Her second pregnancy was with a severely handicapped baby. She had an abortion and was out of the office for several weeks. When I was talking with some of my co-workers about her absence, I'd referred to her having "a miscarriage." My co-worker said, "You realize it wasn't a miscarriage, right." "Yes, I'm just trying to be polite."

In retrospect, perhaps politeness was a bad decision for me. We probably should have had the discussion that you're more likely to have an unhealthy baby when you're in your late thirties. And make good decisions now to prevent that. And if I ever had the chance to testify in front of some school board or heck, Congress about infertility, I'd say we need to start telling girls and women that you will have a harder time getting pregnant if you put it off for whatever reason. At least educate people and let them make their own decisions.

I want all my friends and everyone I know that Bethenny Frankel put it best, "IT'S NOT MY CHOICE." And it's not my choice or anybody's choice. I want to have children but desire does not equal attainment. When the interviewer asked, "Do you want to keep trying [after her miscarriage]?" What the heck does that mean? Does she or I want to keep having sex with our husbands without birth control? Or in this case is "trying" using ART because everybody knows that ART will absolutely guarantee you a baby. This whole thing is crazy to me.

What should we be doing to reform our society?

And We're Off!

2012-02-22T08:24:00.001-08:00

Husband and I attended the very first Mass today at 7:00am. Not too crowded which was nice. You can make out a distinct cross on my forehead not the dreaded smudge which makes your co-workers think you're fixing the copier by yourself again. We have a joint sacrifice this Lenten season - not arguing. Last year we did not eating out. That was unrealistic but we'll see how the not arguing goes. Interestingly, the priest touched upon arguing in his sermon. He said there's no point in fasting or denying yourself food and then you go home and be a jerk to your family. So, he said try and be a nice guy which I think is always good advice.

I don't have a Lenten prayer buddy this time but I'll be praying for everyone in our blog community that God gives them the strength they need to draw closer to Him through sacrifice. Amen!

I don't know Bethenny

2012-02-20T07:53:00.000-08:00

However, I did watch an interview she recently gave. I guess she's a reality tv person. Anyway, she does talk about her recent miscarriage and I thought she touched upon a lot of fears and pain women like us feel about infertility and miscarriage. The interviewer, once Bethenny reveals the miscarriage gives a dismissive response, "Huh," but B is clearly emotional as of course this topic is. If you want to skip to the miscarriage talk, go to 3:45.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

2ww Update

2012-02-17T09:34:00.000-08:00

It pains me to write "2ww." I haven't considered my luteal phase a two week wait for over a year, perhaps longer than that because I found it wasted time. And I deplore wasted time. One of my favorite Madonna songs (all of her songs are practically my favorite, actually), "Love Song" has a great line:

Time goes by so slowly for those who wait
And those who run seem to have all the fun

It's the inherent sense of urgency I've adopted in my life that forces me to take action now, today and not tomorrow. I'm fortunate to have married someone who feels the same type of time pressure. And pressure's not bad in my book. What's interesting about Madonna's Like A Prayer album, it's where I learned the Act of Contrition. She recites it in the last song on the album. And back in the 80s when the album came out, I got it in a CD and the booklet was scented with some aromatic oil. This was during her whole Catholic rebellion phase (at least the start of it) so I don't know if the oil was supposed to be holy oil. When I was anointed, I don't remember it smelling so nice. Wiki chimes in:

The packaging on the first pressings of the CD, cassette, and LP were scented with patchouli oils to simulate church incense. A publicist for Warner Bros. Records said, "She wanted to create a flavor of the 60's and the church. She wanted to create a sensual feeling you could hear and smell."

OK, back to present day. I've been taking the progesterone since Sunday. My mood hasn't exactly been great, I'm a little jittery but maybe that's because work this week has been very busy and our lives are filled with an inordinate amount of administrative details that require almost constant attention. The only physical side effects of the progesterone (or something else) is melasma, aka pregnancy mask. But the weird part is it's only on my left palm. It looks like orange self-tanner gone wrong. Thankfully, I can hide it.

I'm not sure the progesterone insert is helpful in that the reported side effects of the drug are the exact same as early pregnancy. I'd have to chalk up any symptoms to the drug since I'm only seven days out from the trigger shot. For sure, I have tried very hard to not assume anything. Of course I do the occasional obsessive stuff like figuring out the date I'd notify my happy family of the little one and trolling blogs and reading very closely those posts that track early pregnancy, here, here, and here.

Beyond those things I'm living my life as normal. I've had a couple drinks, exercise like normal, keep contributing to my retirement funds. Nothing can stave off disappointment when you try hard to get pregnant but don't but at least, if that happens, I'll be able to look back at the last two weeks and not have any regrets.

Hurt

2012-02-15T09:12:00.000-08:00

The great thing about modern communication technology is that you can flip someone off virtually. I think I mentioned that Dr. Sti.gen has a "patien.t p.ortal" whereby patients can access records, get health information, email the doctor, make appointments, etc. While that might seem handy is today's busy times, it feels like a way for the doctor to keep their patients at arm's length. I just wanted to talk to her but they were going to charge me $25 to do it. I can talk and even visit my RE for FREE.

I have orders for P+7 blood draws to measure progesterone and estrogen. They are from Dr. St.igen. I used the portal to email her asking if I could use the order and would she kindly call me with the results. That's all I wanted and I thought it was a simple request. And now I'm reminded why I quit her and NaPro technology. This was her response:

[ATC], You should ask the RE who is treating you to order and interpret the blood test for you - he/she is the one who should be monitoring what your response to the medications are. In general, I don't do hormone testing or interpretation except for patients undergoing NaProTechnology treatments. Sincerely, Dr. Sti.gen

Now, I understand the overall message. She's not the prescribing doctor for the drugs I'm on, so I should get blood draw orders from that doctor. Cool. Great. But the second sentence I took as a sort of "F*ck U, you're not doing NaPro, so no assistance for you." I would have appreciated a little more customer service like, "Let me know if there's anything I can do for you," or "Let me know if you have any questions." I'm hurt by the "I don't do this [full stop; end of story.] She did operate on me, I did try her NaPro treatments. They just didn't work and didn't get me pregnant. I'm not bitter about it but it sure sounds like she's bitter I'm not doing NaPro anymore. I haven't done anything inconsistent with Church teaching but if it's not in the right box, she doesn't want anything to do with me. The Christian love is palpable.

Maybe I Need a Twitter Acct

2012-02-13T15:39:00.000-08:00

I have a bunch of little things today. Can I keep it to under 140 characters?

I'm just not into it today. It's cold, windy, rainy. I just want a piece of chocolate cake, a cup of warm cider, and snuggling with my man under a warm blanket.
I started the Endometrin suppositories last night. They look just like big pills but in the morning they turn into a delightful cream.
My lower back was hurting this morning. I didn't want to read too much into that if there's anything to read into about lower back pain mid-cycle.
NOVA has a great science documentary about conception and pregnancy that I'm sure we all saw as teenagers. But, I think it's worth checking out if you've already seen it or not. The photography is mind-blowing. Reproduction is clearly God's creation. With how complicated it looks(and all the different ways the process can go awry) , I'm amazed anybody gets pregnant. Link here: http://video.pbs.org/video/1841157252/

Dipping my toe

2012-02-10T21:16:00.000-08:00

I did a little blog housekeeping. I took some stuff down that sounded pretty aggressive and subsequently received no comments. When will I learn that ya'll want to hear about my latest pie recipe, not my unladylike rants? There are a bunch of drafts that I just keep for a little private diary, but I have no doubt that Google is trolling my private posts to find better ways to sell me things I don't need. OK, so I'm still a cynic.

Yesterday I started to realize I was a public infertile blogger with a private mindset, a total oxymoron. So, I should share for the good of the group. I hesitated to share this (and might actually take it back at some point, sorry) because I was really getting into my arguments for accepting childlessness and because of infertile blogger solidarity, a mindset I very much believe in.

Of course I don't want to betray the latter but I think these are facts worth sharing and documenting.

It all happened so fast. At about CD 3, I was feeling pretty good. I wrote about treating myself a bit more gently and that really made a difference in my mood. The idea of talking to the RE again was gaining traction in my little mind. I told my husband about this on CD 4 and called the doctor that day. I had barely uttered the words, "I think we're ready to get started...." She said, "well, you're supposed to start the medication on day 3." Oh, great. But apparently CD 5 was also a definite possible starting point so I locked up the hubby and we drove to see the doc last Friday morning.

The protocol was fifty micrograms (I think that's the measurement) of Follistim from CD 5 to the first u/s on CD 11. Depending on what the first or possible subsequent ultrasounds revealed, I take a trigger shot (Ovidrel.) My husband started out giving me the injections (in the thigh) but then I got the hang of it. Besides, he's not always around so I had to do it at some point. There was really no pain from the injections and my mood was pretty darn good on the Follistim. So, I have no complaints. I didn't have to pay for the Follistim, just the Ovidrel and that set us back $135.

I was worried and shared my concerns with a fellow blogger that the RE, not being Catholic, was not at all Creighton minded so having the first u/s on CD 11 seemed darn premature. I have never had a peak day that early and was anxious I was just wasting my money on an early ultrasound. None of this infertility stuff is covered by my super not-so-great insurance. Being budget conscious, I have a special little fund for these expenditures. Well, I was bolstered by the fact that peak-type mucus started on CD 9! And it's been really great for four days. Praise God, I have been doing a lot of Hail Marys. CD 11 was yesterday and I had the u/s done at my local hospital, the same place where we did the SA, blood draws, and baseline u/s.

It took a fair amount of time to explain to the staff what the heck I was doing. What's a follicular ultrasound? The first receptionist asked me if my bladder was full. Um, it's transvag, so that's not necessary, doll. The u/s tech was the same one from a year and a half ago. She was very sweet and even called a friend of hers that worked in a fertili.ty cl.inic to explain what she was to look for. Even though I'd complained bitterly about transvag u/s, it wasn't that bad especially because I was hopeful and curious about the follicle sizes.

The tech didn't give me any measurements but did show me a few images and yeah, the follicles looked big. I followed up with the RE and she asked me if the tech told me the sizes? "No, was she supposed to?" Well, that would have been helpful to get the info ASAP. I guess the hospital had to have their radiologist prepare a whole dang report on my u/s. I called them four times throughout the day imploring them to hurry it up and get the report to my doc. Will a preliminary report work? YES! Fax it!

My doctor was vague about the results yesterday afternoon just telling me to take the trigger shot and start having s*x pronto (but we'd already started when fertile mucus appeared.) Then on Sunday, I'll start taking progesterone to "support the pregnancy." While that was sure a nice thing for an infertile to hear, it didn't quite compute since conception is a nebulous concept to me.

So, the obvious question at this point in the story is Where do you want your husband to be when you take the trigger shot? If you said two and a half hours away from his sweetie, you'd technically be wrong but that's where he was. Send blessings to my husband he drove home early this morning (got up at four am) to join me in renewing the marriage covenant.

As to the foregoing, I think we have our bases covered, I hope and pray. I'm very grateful this has been a fairly easy and pleasant process. Even if we don't get pregnant, I hope I remember that the process was at least a good experience and that's something to treasure no matter what. I'm not sure why I was so afraid to move forward with treatment for so long, I guess I just wanted to be able to get pregnant without needing augmentation. And last year was just a bad year that I needed time to clear my head a bit. And we had a bunch of trips that precluded a pregnant me participating.

Before I forget, here are the stats: left ovary had one follicle just 12mm in size. The left had four, the largest two at 23 and 17mm. So, all the burden's on the lefty. The doc wants me to take a pregnancy test on CD 26. I don't need the torture of someone saying, "I'm very sorry, you're not pregnant" so I think I'll just let it play out. I have some orders for a P+7 blood draw from Dr. St.igen. I should probably give her a heads up before she gets a test result out of the blue from a woman she hasn't heard from in a year.

I don't know what's going to happen. Just have to pray for the best. But, like I said this has been a positive experience so I'm very grateful for that. And that can stand on its own. Since I started charting for this cycle and hadn't in a great many months, I posted a little snippet below. You might notice a little "2009" at the top which is when my charts were transferred to Excel, a very long time ago.

Treating Myself Better

2012-02-06T14:09:00.000-08:00

I often say I don't have many regrets. And that's generally true. I know that personal growth is a journey not a eureka moment where somebody declares that they've figured it all out. But when I arrive at some point of wisdom that had previously escaped me, of course I look back and wish I'd known then what I know now. I feel confident enough to declare that I'm starting to learn how to take better care of myself.

That's funny for me to read since I'm pretty self-aware and have a healthy dose of self-centeredness. That selfishness, however is married to a strong sense of responsibility. I care deeply about appearing trustworthy, competent, and responsible. My greatest nightmares are about letting people down and I'm desperate to get somewhere to do my job but no matter what I try in the dream, I can never get there. I wish I just had falling dreams.

Since I started working when I was 21, I've been denying myself time away from work to find calm or spend time with my family. When I worked in D.C., my grandfather was dying and I flew back to CA to see him but did not return for the funeral. I do regret that. I left that job happily in 2005 and rarely think about that job and I'm sure my ex-boss or co-workers don't think about me. I should have been wiser about that situation.

I've often put my health on the back burner to be at work and get there on time. But, this last cycle, for the first time, I did not deny myself. The night of CD1, I was in a lot of pain. I couldn't sleep so I read on the couch in the den for a couple of hours and finally the aleve kicked in and I felt tired enough to try and sleep. Normally, I would have woken up at the regular time and despite the exhaustion, I would have been to work on time. This time, I felt strongly my sleep came first at least for a couple hours. So, I emailed my boss and came in a couple hours late. Nobody died, the work got done, and life went on.

Despite the obvious disappointment of the situation, I felt the more I attended to my needs, it made everything better. And I started to take things one day at a time, philosophically-speaking. I've felt better emotionally this time than I have in a long time and I hope I can extend myself enough grace for that feeling to continue.

Drop Kick Me Jesus

2012-02-03T15:45:00.000-08:00

Has anybody ever sung, "Drop Kick Me Jesus Through the Goalposts of Life?" No, man it's the best! I have always loved Super Bowl Sunday ever since I was a preteen and threw up M&Ms because I ate just too damn many. We are keeping the party small this year and with very close family (just like an intimate wedding) and I'm preparing the food, somebody else is doing the beer. On the menu is:

Pita crackers with mango salsa and guacamole
Cucumbers, radishes, mushrooms, tomatoes, broccoli, and cauliflower with ranch greek yogurt dip
Shrimp sliders and cheeseburger sliders
Some kind of dessert, perhaps those yummy peanut butter/chocolate cupcakes

It's going to be a great weekend. Although I had wished my husband would have sprung for game tickets at Cost.co.com, I can understand he was deterred by the $9K price tag. It's sad not getting what we want.

Fools Rush In...

2012-02-02T15:03:00.000-08:00

I have seriously written and rewritten this post three times, and they are all saved as drafts. Maybe I should get rid of it and let it go? My problem is that writing is a bittersweet experience for me. I often go back to things I've written before and have a little ego party thinking "dang, I'm cool." I apparently completely forget about what it took to develop and express clever ideas or took for granted I wasn't constrained by or wouldn't censor myself because of what my audience would think. I really didn't care what they thought because I wasn't representing anybody but me and I was unapologetic. I miss those days like super crazy.

And I'm an inefficient writer. I edit as a go. No stream of consciousness, no write it all out and edit later. I write very slowly because I organize and think in the moment. It's better to make an outline I know but my brain won't go there at least for blog writing. Clearly, in my job I use a lot more discipline. And I really care about form. I want my stuff to be easy to read, not too long, semi-organized writing. But I'm trying to do this frickin' post differently since I actually want to hit the "publish post" button.

I feel very uncomfortable about what's transpired in them thar parts the last couple weeks. Somebody wrote about how she's exhausted by the abortion and HHS contraception issue discussions. I wish I remembered who it was and I'd link it. Things got really ugly between people. Really gross. If you are a gentle soul that escaped this time by blogging about your baby or the events in your actual life, good on you. I wish I were you. But, I get kind of excited about civic affairs and I'm too stupid to leave well enough alone. It's really that simple.

I was harking back to a time of blissful innocence when you could debate ideas, even religious ideas and not be told you have no right to call yourself a Christian. I got into some pretty intense discussions, OK, it's coming back to me.... I belonged to an Anglican Church and the young adults got together to write a "code of Christian ethics." And it was for us, our little big church! The joy of officially decentralized religion. This was all presided over by a priest, a married one with children and I remember very intelligent and sincere talks about how we thought God was directing us and how we felt about what that meant for our daily lives and relationships. I'm starting to feel 23 again.

What I clearly didn't realize when I started the process to be confirmed in the Catholic Church and I swear what they didn't say in the RC.IA class (but what I later affirmed) was the dogma we expect Catholics to accept and support might be so unfamiliar to you that you'll believe you're living in an alternate universe. I'm stating a fact here so do not assume I'm criticizing the Church. I'm trying to explain the clear differences between Catholics and everybody else. I bet a lot of Catholics don't realize how different they are because they haven't really experienced another Christian denomination. Christianity without encyclical letters and additional teachings clearly makes a belief system much less complicated. You might respond that Church teachings are based on biblical sources so it should mean there's a fundamental uniformity to Christian beliefs but I'd reply that biblical interpretation is less than a straightforward and an agreed upon process. But maybe you know about other denominations and you still think your Catholic beliefs are working for you and should work for everybody else. And that's good!!! I am happy for you.

But what I'd said earlier about being able to debate ideas (yes, ideas, thoughts, opinions, totally separate from an action) in the Catholic blogging space has been fraught with disturbingly aggressive attacks. And it's giving some Catholics a bad name or reinforcing the idea that "you are either with us or you're against us." And that is very far from what I think all sentiments Christians should project and how we should be treating one another. And it's not where I want to be when I feel bad about my infertility which is the real reason I'm on the web. If I felt qualified to just talk about Catholic theology, I'd say that but I don't. I'm not here for that. I said this way back in 2010 (a lifetime ago) that some level of Christian compassion should be extended to those around us even if they disagree with us! I hate to reference John 13:34 but it sure seems appropriate to me now. "So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other."

You might say that's a cover, it's a way to not defend the faith, it's "hiding behind the guise of compassion." You might even be so bold to say I shouldn't be a Catholic. So be it. You're not my priest, you're not my confessor, you're not God's spokesperson, you're just an overly opinionated Catholic and a sinner just like me. Let's pray for one another and please play nice in the sandbox.

OK, I signed it.

2012-01-30T18:58:00.000-08:00

I'd like to insulate myself but heck, I read the news all day long, so it's virtually impossible. I signed a petition asking HHS to rescind the requirement that Catholic employers cover contraceptives for their students/employees. How did I get there? I read this article this morning and like almost all NYTimes articles that allow comments, I read the comments (before there were nearly 1,000.) Like all online thingies, some comments are stupid others intelligent and that's cool. But, there is this thing called "NYTimes Pick." That means the New York Times gurus themselves selected your comment as particular noteworthy. Well, they picked this comment as a standout and I didn't get it at all.

SR
Las Vegas

NYT Pick

FLAG

As a Catholic I am ashamed. The Church has no right to impose its points of view on other people. More important, there is no comparable condemnation of the greed, or exploitation, or of bringing unjust wars to name a few. This shows how important is to keep a strict separation between religion and state.

I kind of agreed with the second sentence but since I hardly ever check what's being published on the Vatican website on current wars, global conflict, etc., I couldn't support this claim. I am pretty sure the Pope condemns violent conflicts so I left this alone. But the first sentence was just flat out outrageous. I mean, the Obama administration is trying to force Catholic employers to cover contraceptives in their insurance plans. And some students at Catholic schools are protesting their schools protests against the mandate.

To me it's simple. If you disagree with Catholic teaching, don't go to a Catholic school and expect them to change their mind about their beliefs and conform to your's or Obama's. If you want birth control, go to a secular doctor and pay for it like everybody has had to do since the 60s. I predict like lots of people the Administration is going to lose this fight.

Like a Teenager?

2012-01-28T21:25:00.000-08:00

January 27, 2012

A Blog as Therapy for Teenagers

By PAMELA PAUL

THE GIST Blogging is therapeutic for teenagers.

THE SOURCE “The Therapeutic Value of Adolescents’ Blogging About Social-Emotional Difficulties,” by Meyran Boniel-Nissim and Azy Barak.

IN the days before the instantly pinged “OMG Where R U?,” the first words many teenagers composed during their fretful moments were “Dear Diary.” After several paragraphs of spewing onto paper adolescent angst about cafeteria slights, unreciprocated crushes and oversize thighs, the diarist often felt better.

Research has long backed the therapeutic value of diary-keeping for teenage girls and boys. But according to a new study, when teenagers detail their woes onto a blog, the therapeutic value is even greater. Blogging, it seems, can be good for you.

The study, published in the journal Psychological Services and conducted by Meyran Boniel-Nissim and Azy Barak, psychology professors at the University of Haifa, Israel, found the engagement with an online community allowed by the blog format made it more effective in relieving the writer’s social distress than a private diary would be.

To track teenagers’ experiences with blogging, the researchers randomly surveyed high school students in Israel and selected 161 of them (124 girls and 37 boys, a significant gender skew) who exhibited some level of social anxiety or stress. The teenagers, who averaged 15 years old, said they had difficult making new friends or relating to their existing friends.

And so to the Internet. The teenagers were divided into six groups. The first two groups were asked to blog about their social difficulties, with one group asked to open their posts to comments. The second two groups were asked to blog about whatever struck their adolescent fancy; again, with one group allowing comments. All four groups were told to write in their blogs at least twice a week. As a control, two more groups were told to keep either an old-fashioned print diary or to do nothing at all.

All of their blog entries were then pored over by four psychologists to determine the authors’ relative social and emotional state. In all the groups, the greatest improvement in mood occurred among those bloggers who wrote about their problems and allowed commenters to respond.

Interestingly, the commenters on the blogs were overwhelmingly supportive. “The only kind of surprise we had was that almost all comments made by readers were very positive and constructive in trying to offer support for distressed bloggers,” Dr. Barak wrote in an e-mail.

The findings may hold in the real virtual world as well. “I definitely write posts in which I talk about being overwhelmed, and it helps me to relax,” said Royar Loflin, a 17-year-old blogger from Norfolk, Va., who did not participate in the study. Though her blog, “My Life as a Young Southern Prep,” includes everything from fashion to book reviews, Royar also writes about the stress of her junior year.

“People will write in the comments, ‘I remember when I was in your shoes’ ” and ‘Don’t worry — you’ll get through the SATs!’ and it’s wonderful,” she said. “It really helps put everything into perspective.”

I Can't Rescue You

2012-01-26T20:09:00.000-08:00

I'll give context to this song soon.

Working it Out

2012-01-25T11:22:00.000-08:00

The Retrouvaille weekend went great. There were a few logistical hiccups but I don't think the participants really noticed or at least they didn't say so on the evaluations forms. One of the most repeated comment was, "I wish we'd known about the program sooner." I'm really grateful to God and the wonderful people who spread the word about Retrouvaille but also a little sad more people don't hear about it in their parishes.

I guess this is a good time for a question. Have you heard about Retrouvaille from your parish or diocese, from a pulpit talk or a posting in the bulletin?

We've adopted Retrouvaille as our ministry. It best fits our gifts and what I pray God wants us to do with our time. Every marriage will hit a roadblock and many more will hit lots of roadblocks. If both spouses are willing to take the necessary steps, marriages can be preserved and really thrive. What the priest said this weekend is that God created us to be lovers, to find joy in one another and I love the fact that my husband and I have a very playful relationship and hope others can find the same. God Bless all the couples who were with us this last weekend and I pray for their marriages to thrive!

UPDATE: I should point out that the Retrouvaille program is somewhat similar to Marriage Encounter but I find the former much more inspiring and helpful. Retrouvaille recognizes that married people go through disillusionment and misery. Retrouvaille is a place to find relief from the disillusionment and misery, not just to learn how to communicate or spend time alone together. I find the program respects the sincere feelings we all have and teaches us to communicate respectfully to our spouses. So, if I had the choice between the two, I'd go to Retrouvaille.

Don't Get Your Hopes Up

2012-01-20T10:25:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite quotes/exchanges from Anne of Green Gables is this (forgive me, I'm doing this from memory):

Anne: I can't help but fly on the wings of anticipation; it almost pays for the thud.
Marilla: Well, I'd rather walk calmly along and avoid both flying and thud.

I think that pretty much sums up the TTC experience. And my priest brought up this sentiment in confession yesterday when I broached the infertility subject. He knows we're infertile but I try not to talk about it since the first time he told me I needed to relax. I don't hold that comment against him, because 99.9% of all people an infertile talks to are completely and utterly ignorant and have no idea how to be sensitive. Well, this time he told me not to get my hopes up. Which is very interesting since most of the trouble I get myself into these days (let's be honest, wild anticipation abandon has always been my downfall) is anticipation-related.

I'm not sure how or if I'll ever not have hope we'll be pregnant one day. This is not a genuine quest for motherhood; I just want to know if our bodies work correctly. I'm flat out curious. "Curiosity killed the cat." OK, I'm not walking the virtuous road most of the time. The charting stopped a long time ago but I make a halfhearted attempt to keep track of my cycle. While I never know the peak day and only pay attention to the most completely obvious signs of fertility, if I even go a few days past 28 (remember, I'm the sucker who always has regular cycles) I start feeling a little bit of hope. False hope, of course and it still makes me sad.

In other news, I'm super excited about this weekend. We are going to be an An.gel C.ouple at a Retrouvaille session. I'm thrilled that my husband is as excited as I am about the service opportunity and we also get the benefit of working on our own marriage which is always time well spent. Lots of couple that go to Retrouvaille are in pain and I'm praying for healing and for God to touch the married couples we spend time with this weekend and everywhere.

Weekend Round Up

2012-01-17T13:18:00.000-08:00

The dinner party was a total success with the exception of burnt garlic bread. The hubs did a great job scraping the black off and we ended up eating the whole thing. Re-heating the lasagna I made Saturday morning worked. All it took was 45 minutes on 350 degrees. In terms of the company, it's always fun. There are so many classic Chip and Kate moments, I can laugh easily by recalling the memories. This time, Kate would so dominate the conversation, Chip would get very serious and say, "Kate, can I please say something for once." "Sure," Kate would say. Then she pause for two to three seconds and start talking again. :)
MLK Day weekend has always been kind of big for me. It's the weekend I first met Jack. That was seventeen years ago this year. Wow.
One of the advantages of being childless (and there are lots): accepting an impromptu invitation for dinner tonight at Kate's. Chip's out of town and DH has a meeting tonight so it's just us girls, a bottle of wine, and the jacuzzi.
The cupcakes turned out great. They really needed to cool down before eating since the peanut butter cup in the center had a tendency to stick to the wrapper. I just used Duncan Hines Devil's Food cake mix, Trader Joe's milk chocolate peanut butter cups, Betty Crocker Butter Cream frosting, and some Skippy crunchy peanut butter. Make the cupcakes according to the directions, once the cups are filled up, just push the peanut butter cup into the batter. It doesn't need to be pushed all the way down. Let it cool completely before frosting. I just added a bunch of peanut butter to the frosting and blend. It's really to taste how much peanut butter to use. Eat just one cupcake a day!
I looked back at last year's January posts and yes, I did post about my co-workers talking about weight loss and exercise. Gosh, it's annoying. Don't they ever recall they start the year with the same gusto and fizzle out quickly. Besides, taking up yoga will not cause you to lose weight. Every time, they start in again on their boot camp routines, I throw on my coat and take a walk around the block. I'm a little annoyed that my weight was higher than it has ever been since November, 123.4 lbs. I'm trying desperately to be sub-120. Perhaps a little less lasagna, wine, and cupcakes will do the trick?

Dinner Party

2012-01-13T16:30:00.000-08:00

We're having a some friends, a couple, over for dinner tomorrow. They're not childless, they have two but those kids are grown, heck, they are my age and those kids have kids. Thankfully, they are all out-of-state and don't get in the way of our partying! Chip and Kate are youthful, fun, love to drink, love to dive, and love Jesus. What's not to love about them?

The menu is lasagna, garlic bread, a salad with butter lettuce and a red wine vinaigrette. My boss encouraged me to make the lasagna tonight since of course, it's always better the next day. I've made the recipe dozens of times but have only reheated it for myself or the hubs in the microwave. Making this elegant by reheating in the oven might be a bit of a challenge. I just recently figured out what I'd do for dessert. I'm addicted to chocolate and slightly less addicted to peanut butter. So, I found a recipe for chocolate peanut butter cup cupcakes with peanut butter/vanilla frosting. I'm already getting a high just thinking about it.

This photo belongs to Cheers to Happy. Thank you, ma'am and I will update everyone on the result. I'm bummed I'm going to miss Tebow play tomorrow since the party will be on and we don't have a TV!

Morning in the Mountains

2012-01-12T09:17:00.000-08:00

Some of the folks on the Peru trip have started to post their photos. They are a little late (we're over two months out) but I guess our trek wasn't their main priority as most went onto other SA destinations and Australia and New Zealand. We're the boring folks that can only do one high profile trip a year or even every five years! :) But, below is a photo of our tents and they look wet so that must have been a day when it rained all night. You can actually see me in the tent! It looks like I was leaning out to grab my morning tea or just trying to stay inside and keep warm.

Women

2012-01-11T12:35:00.000-08:00

I'd mentioned before that my mother was active in the Women's Movement in the 60s. She championed and demonstrated in favor of the Equal Rights Amendment and talked to her kids about what feminism meant to her and the rest of American society. I grew up never thinking I was less than a boy or couldn't do what boys did. I competed with the boys in physical activities and did better than the majority. By the time I was in high school and college, I read a lot of feminist literature and some of it pretty extreme in philosophy. Just look up Andrea Dworkin. I care about what rights women have around the world and am pretty aware that Western society is very unique in how women are treated and what they can do. And I'm grateful for that.

I deliberately avoid sociology courses in college thinking that subject was soft and I'd ruin my intellectual street cred. Ah, youth. So, it wasn't until my late twenties did I take Sociology 101 at the local community college. My eyes were opened. The exact same events, actions, gestures could have very different meanings depending on what culture you're a part of. The examples are everywhere. Some things are small, like how you greet someone at work. In America, we often say hello many times over the course of the day to the same person. In Russia, the first time you see someone in the morning, you say hello. After that, you either nod your head or totally ignore them. It's not considered rude but I think most Americans would find that impolite if you didn't at least acknowledge your co-worker every time you saw them.

But it's often the big things in life that make a lot of difference for you depending on your culture. Women in America and Europe have greater legal protections for women. Your husband can't legally beat you or rape you. That's not true in a lot of countries. If you've been reading the news this week, you've read about rape victims being forced to marry their attackers. If not, the woman goes to jail. A young Afghan girl, her age was initially reported as 15 but now I'm reading 13 was beaten and tortured by her husband and her in-laws for refusing to submit to prostitution. What's amazing about this story that a case like this would not have received any attention from Afghan police and government services but now it is. So, hopefully this will be turning point for women's rights, human rights in Afghanistan.

I'm using an extreme example to lead up to, you guessed it, what infertility means in different parts of the world. Thankfully, someone already did the research and published the article. So, here it is. If you're infertile in the US and Europe, you'll read it and feel pretty good I think about where you live relative to the rest of the world. Thank God, I can freely move about in my community and people don't think I'll curse their family building plans. And I can go to weddings where my presence doesn't represent an omen of barrenness. I can go about life without children and live in relative prosperity and really greater financial prosperity because I'm not spending a lot of money on what it takes to raise a child. The last figure I heard was $200,000 to age 18. Anybody have the new figure?

I'm thinking about this issue now because I get the feeling the rest of the infertile blogosphere is not feeling what I am? Sure, infertility is sometimes a devastating thought and I don't discount at all how legitimate the feelings are. I get the feeling that I'm not fulfilling my role as a woman, as a wife and mother. No matter how irrational I think those thoughts are as a Christian, they still exist. You know, I'm a sinner but that doesn't discount that I believe, I know I can fulfill God's call for me. I don't need a child to do that or even a husband. (I say that as if I had not gotten married. I am now and regard my marriage as a ministry and a sacred calling.) A lot of single people struggle with this but their lives are no less faithful or productive without a spouse. Also, in my family there's just not a lot of kids to begin with so it's not strange or abnormal to not have children. That takes a lot of pressure off of me that I have solidarity with some siblings and cousins but some amount of pressure obviously remains.

For me, I need to frame my disability in the larger scheme. And because the emotions can be so volatile, I desperately need to provide my mind with rational ideas. I mean, no infertile woman is an island and my life is always balanced by the lives of my husband, my family, and my friends. I think it's something to give thanks for, that being an infertile woman in America is a much better place to be. If I have to go through it, I'm very grateful God allowed me to suffer it here.

Latest Hike: South Fork Trail

2012-01-10T11:44:00.000-08:00

It was dicey this weekend whether or not we could make the time for a 11-12 mile hike. To my great surprise, we were able to have a few beers, play pool, and have dinner out Saturday night then go to early Mass Sunday, hang out for awhile for fellowship and then go get some coffee and then head out for the trailhead. It was really cool to pack everything in since I'm normally stressing about sacrificing something important to go hiking.

South Fork Trail starts at South Fork Campground in the Angeles National Forest, if you're keeping geographical score here. You know, it's January in the Los Angeles area but we're in the mountains so it's gets cold. We checked the weather and it was mid-50s for a high and gust of wind about 25 mph. We were the only ones on the trail which I love. Isolation is totally my thing which is strange since I get energized by high density urban environments, too but contradiction is joy.

The trail is about 5.2 miles to Islip Saddle, a big parking lot with a couple picnic tables and bathrooms. The hike is pretty gentle, only about 2,100 feet in elevation gain and you start near a creek/wash and trek up the canyon. Although we've been hiking since 2007, I've never taken my iPod so this time I decided to take the plunge and it kept me happy despite the winds actually gusting at (my guess) 50 mph. The hubs thinks it was much less, maybe 35 mph but it was like getting slapped with icicles as you came around a pass. We made it in record time, 11.5 miles in five hours.

I used to be a pretty wimpy outdoorswoman. But ever since Peru, I've been really tolerant about cold, crossing rushing rivers, etc. A lot of that has to do with having all the right equipment finally.

I didn't take any pictures! And I am loathe to steal anybody else's so I'll send you on a Google search if you're interested to see what it looks like.

Discipline

2012-01-09T19:12:00.000-08:00

I started to write (and got about 2/3s of the way through) my latest reflection on infertility. I think it was pretty profound with lots of discussion on cognitive dissonance and other fancy psych terms. However, after mulling over the consequences of posting it, I've decided against it. What am I doing? I said I wasn't going to write about it anymore. I long passed the point where infertile blogs are helpful to being detrimental. This is entirely my fault. I'm the one reading the blogs because curiosity reigns. But if I'm going to be at peace with my situation, I need some separation.

So, I'm praying I will focus on the myriad of other issues in life that are fun and interesting to share and discuss. Hey, it's only January 9th and we've gone on two big hikes. Why am I not writing about that? Proper perspective is the key to sanity and I'm going to try very hard and diversify my topics.

Diaper Question for Mothers!

2012-01-04T15:41:00.000-08:00

This might seem off topic for an infertile, but if you have an infant or are around any mothers of infants, I'm very curious to know how much you spend on disposable diapers per week? Do you have the option of using a diaper cleaning service? If so, and you didn't, why not? If not, would you use that service over disposable diapers? How concerned are you about "green" issues and do you think cloth is better than disposable?

If ya'll could pass on this post to any moms, I'd really appreciate it.

Work, Marriage, Money, and Love

2011-12-29T08:26:00.000-08:00

This whole topic is so all-encompassing, I'm not even sure how to begin. My husband has been on a sabbatical for a few months. It was not really of our choosing but it was far from a bad thing; he was burned out, the company wasn't making the changes he'd argued for, for his operation. He was anxious a lot worrying about all the things that could go wrong at work. It was heartbreaking for me because these were things he could not control. Acts of God, right?

I just read this article, Instead of Work, Younger Women Go Back to School . The main example of the story, young woman quits her part-time job at Starbucks to get a graduate degree in communications which will put her in deep debt, was not what was interesting to me. It was that women are more willing to leave a job (albeit, a low paying one) and go back to school while men will take any job that's available. Here's a quote from the random "expert":

“There is still this heavy cultural message that men should be out there earning money and supporting themselves, and they feel more distressed by losing their breadwinner role,” said Stephanie Coontz, director of research at the Council on Contemporary Families. “We’ve made much more progress overcoming the ‘feminine mystique’ than this masculine mystique.”

This is exactly what my husband and I are going through. He was offered a good job in a community about three hours driving distance from our home. But it was in the field he's been working in all his life and he's told me many times he doesn't want to do that line of work anymore. I think his declaration took a lot of courage and I wouldn't ever forgive myself if I dismissed it. The pressure for men to work at anything that's around is huge. I'm sure his parents expect him to take the job because Work is King in their minds. What's been so hard for me and my husband is to stay strong and faithful to God while considering these options.

We (society) talk about how hard life is when we have no choices, but I think it's much more challenging when you have lots of options and it's not very clear what's a better choice. Option A could be good in the short term but Option B might be better in the long term. But it's never obvious because, duh, we can't predict the future. So, lately we've been reminding each other to pray in these times of panic and indecision.

The problems with taking this job were 1) I have a good job which pays well; 2) We'd only be able to see each other on the weekends until I found a job in that area which would have stressed our marriage; 3) We can maintain our lifestyle with my current income, and; 4) He really didn't want to do that work anyway. There are a lot more factors that go into this but that's really the essence. And just getting to the point where he could admit to himself that he didn't want to that kind of work, was a long road. If he really thought that job was good from him and was excited about it, I would definitely support him, but it's just not.

Making the decision to turn the offer down doesn't erase the anxiety. If fact, I think it increases it. And it's harder for men maybe, but just people in a different generation. I feel much more comfortable changing careers (my husband says that's because I'm young but I'm not sure that's it.) I think this period in our lives is a true adventure and an opportunity to walk the faith rather than just talk about it.

We have a lot of things going for us. The obvious is not having children. That's a lot of money we don't have to spend. We live, I think, pretty simply. I make my lunches and eat them at work. We don't buy stuff just to feel good. We have to need it. And now the standard is, we have to really need it. We've always lived far below our means. We are retirement savings obsessed and enjoy saving money rather than spending it.

I'm not, believe me, trying to toot a horn. I think it's critical, however especially in the infertile blogosphere to promote awareness that thinking about financial health relative to a desire for a baby is super important. Everybody has to weigh their own costs versus benefits and everyone's standard for what is acceptable is different. However, I am beyond grateful that we do not have children right now. I don't know if that's God's doing or what but I feel very blessed in that regard.

So, we're choosing love over money, togetherness over separation, productive work over working just for prestige or to satisfy our parents' egos. I'm proud of my husband. He's taking the road less traveled. And that's flat out cool!

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-23T13:42:00.000-08:00

We are about to take off for the in-laws, so I though I'd drop a final note wishing all of you a very merry Christmas. I'll be checking on the news of Mr. and Mrs. B's imminent arrival from my tablet. God Bless, M and good luck. I hear delivering a baby is hard work! :)

Christmas & Site Design

2011-12-22T15:37:00.000-08:00

Let's start with site design. I liked blogger's site designs but it removes the pages and archives (at least it did for me) so I decided to go back to the traditional look. Since you can now upload your own background photo, I tried to do that with one of my favorite photos I took in Peru, but it didn't turn out right. If anyone knows how to, or understands how to get 1600x1200 resolution in a 300kb photo, please let me know. I got the right resolution, but the photo size was just too big. So, I had to pick a stock background, but I like the book since I kinda consider myself a reader.

This is shaping up to be one of the best Christmas since I entered adulthood sixteen years ago. I've been doing lots of baking, and really liking it. I've finally embraced the joy of cooking and baking. And I let go of the idea that holidays are only fun when little kids are around. Infertiles have to create their own fun! This is quite a change from last year when I told my MIL and SIL that I was pretty much depressed all the time. I've learned my life is how I frame it. Cliche, yes, but very true.

My husband called me and asked if there was any other gift I'd like at Christmas. No, I really don't need anything, honey. Trust me, I've been constantly searching the J.Crew website this week since they've been having 30% off and free shipping offers all week. I did want a green coat (shown below) but I just didn't need it and couldn't justify the expense. Besides, I ordered two workout DVDs and if my husband is concerned I won't have enough gifts to open, I told him to wrap each video separately. It's all good.

I Object

2011-12-21T12:08:00.000-08:00

I've got so many ideas swimming in my head, I'm not sure I can write a post that's properly organized but heck, I have to try for my own sanity. There are several themes going on out there in the infertile blogging community. I don't presume to know why certain women feel certain things but my brain fires up when I read interpretations of events or feelings that are not theologically sound or rational. We can't know God, know what He wants, but that doesn't stop many of us, including me, from labeling certain events like pregnancies or adoptions as miracles or explaining some one's infertility as their fault because they weren't a virgin when they got married. Yes, someone did say this to me.

In fact, a very honest blogger who's now gone private questioned why she wasn't getting pregnant after many years even though she was a virgin at marriage. She "did everything right" so why no child? For those who are more virtuous than most, I think the temptation to believe that your gentleness, your kindness, your purity, your faithfulness means God will grant you your every desire. And I think that's flat out wrong and not in accordance with what's in the Bible. Anybody remember Job? And what about David? That guy screwed up big time and God never gave up on him.

Is it our culture? I fell victim to this before infertility, which is why I consider infertility as a great lesson in humility, but are we so privileged, so used to getting what we want, we can't accept the fact that life doesn't meet our expectations? It's easy to sit back as a happily married, young woman and bemoan the lack of a child. But what about our friends who are single and want to meet the right person to marry? I guess going on and on about how great your husband is makes a single person happening upon your blog pretty mad.

I think (and people can correct me if this is wrong) I've been a pretty staunch supporter of the newly pregnant. I feel bad when they have to write the sympathy post. It goes pretty much like this:

Wow, I've wanted to be pregnant for so long, like two years but that's really not very long because some of you have waited longer and that makes me feel really bad because I feel good and you don't because pregnancy is a game changer and my heart breaks for you because this is so joyous but know that I'm praying for you that your miracle i.e., getting pregnant comes real soon, like next month.

If you are pregnant, I am so happy for you, honestly! It doesn't take anything away from me in the slightest. If you are now infertile and get pregnant, you have my permission to not write about sympathising with infertiles. I want you to celebrate and write about how good you feel. You deserve it. I say that because I'm personally comfortable where I left off my treatment and I'm realistic about certain biological facts. I'm not willing right now to do a follicular ultrasound series and take HCG shots. It's not worth my time, not worth my trouble. For those of you doing what I'm doing, and I don't think anyone else is, I'm amazed when you start investigating the advantages of not having children, you'll find some good things.

However, I realize that for lots of women, accepting a child-free life is not an option. It was never what you envisioned for your life and if you want it and are willing to undergo medical treatments to get it. God speed! But, I guess what got my goat recently was a post by a pregnant blogger (I won't link since I'm trying to not pick a fight, seriously) who wrote the obligatory "I'm so sorry you're not pregnant, too" by specifically calling her pregnancy a miracle that she was unworthy of, implying (likely unintentionally) that infertiles must be so incredibly unworthy, like purgatory unworthy because that's why we're not pregnant.

What I really want is those folks that are taking hormones and have had laparoscopic surgery to thank the manufacturer of HCG, your ultrasound tech, and your surgeon for getting your reproductive system to a place where it was possible to get pregnant. I'm not at all saying that God didn't have His Hand in your conceiving. I just can't prove that He did or didn't. But I can say with relative confidence that medical intervention could be a cause. That's why we have surgery and take drugs instead of spending that time in concentrated prayer for a miracle.

The big thing I objected to in that person's post was talking about how much joy she felt because of the pregnancy and said that the pregnancy had already changed everything (except finances.) She made several comparisons to how no other joy could compare and pregnancy joy is so transforming that it would be horrible to miss out on. I like strong statements. But, I have a problem when a Christian starts classifying levels of joy or saying one joy is better than another or even failing to mention the joy we feel knowing God gave His only son for the salvation of the world.

Not ever having been pregnant, I'll rely on the mothers out there to confirm this but I've felt the joy of faith in Christ. I've experienced euphoria, yes, euphoria grasping the concept in every fiber of my being, that God loves me that much that He would allow His own son to be murdered, tortured for me and you and every other sinner. To know that Christ on the cross cried out in agony, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" is utterly profound that joy is the only appropriate emotion for that kind of grace. And the beautiful, really joyous thing about faith in Christ, is that it's open to everybody! Pregnancy doesn't approach that level of accessibility.

It might read like I'm condemning this blogger's post or position, I sincerely am not. I don't think she meant to offend or exclude anybody. But I wanted to offer another side to the argument. Please don't feel sorry for me that I'm not feeling the particular kind of joy you are. My life is filled with joyous events and manifestations of faith. It's not an opinion that's offered up very much especially by women who want children but it is possible to live a full, maybe even fuller life without kids. You might think that to be heresy but I think it's opening your soul to the fullness of Christ. Christ changes everything. Christ is transforming. Believe it.

My cat companion died

2011-12-20T09:55:00.000-08:00

I wrote a year ago about my cat getting sick and showing signs of liver disease. At that point, she was taking treatments but the constant pills, liquid meds, and bland food were making her an unhappy cat. So, I decided to discontinue treatment and allow her to live well as long as she could. During the summer, my cat was losing weight and despite giving her the highest fat and calorie foods we could find, she wouldn't gain weight. My parents held on to her after we returned from Peru but she declined rapidly over the last few weeks.

I'm very grateful my cat could spend the last weeks of her life in a warm house since my husband wouldn't let her in our house. On Saturday, I decided to have her euthanized. And on Monday, I called and found a vet that did house calls and that made all the difference. Kitty was able to sit on her blanket on my Mom's lap in the same living room she'd grown accustomed to. We were all around her, talking to her when she got her final injection. We then carefully placed her in a box, drove her home, my husband dug a big hole, and we buried her underneath a shade tree. I placed a wood cross as a marker because Kitty's a Christian, I baptized her myself. :)

I was walking down memory lane last night and it's amazing to think about all the experiences I've had, the life I'd lived for thirteen years, she was with me. She gave my life meaning, literally when I lived in Washington DC. When things were bad there, I was so grateful to have a purpose, that I could take care of her. When we lived together, just the two of us, she would lie next to me in the morning and we'd curl up together. Sure, the fur got everywhere but it was worth it.

I don't think caring for a sentient being is much different than caring for a person in that responsibility for life remains the same. I really struggle with the idea that we can decide when an animal and actively make it happen. For the last several days, I felt guilty knowing that I knew when she was going to die and cheating her out of knowing it, too.

But, my husband tried hard yesterday and supported me through the experience. I'm left with wonderful memories. She was a rockin' cat and a lot of people who met her, said so. She wasn't perfect and neither was I, and when we were alone yesterday morning, I apologized to her in failing to do the best I could for her. I'll miss her and always treasure that unique, special relationship.

Kids and Birthdays

2011-12-16T14:27:00.000-08:00

I regard my childhood experience celebrating birthdays as dysfunctional. No adult could seem to get it right (with the exception of my father's father) by sending cards consistently or dialing me up to wish me a happy birthday. What my grandfather did right was that he never forgot to send a card and he enclosed cash equal to my age in years. I always thought this was charming and very useful. I could always use a little cash and I looked forward to getting one more dollar every year. I guess I'm not greedy but perhaps self-focused. But I'm not hypocritical.

My niece's ninth birthday was a couple days ago. I sent a card with nine dollars in it and still got scolded by my mother because I didn't send a material gift. When I told her I sent cash she gave me a slight reprieve. I kept telling myself last weekend that I should call her on the appropriate day but I didn't manage to get there. I blame myself entirely because really it's lame to forget to pay just a sliver of attention to a sweet child. So, I called her mother this afternoon and left a message stating my intentions.

Now, when I was a teen and young adult, I really felt like my aunt and grandmother were putting a big guilt trip on me for not reaching out to them. And that's stupid. It's an adult's responsibility to initiate a relationship, not a child and would never, ever blame my niece for not wanting a thing to do with me because I get that a kid would never care about a thirty-four year old. So, now that's she's of an age where she'll remember my lameness, I'm getting myself into gear. I hope she calls me back.

Nightmare

2011-12-09T15:38:00.000-08:00

I had the strangest but coolest nightmare last night. You know how when you dream about a place, it never looks close to what the reality is, well, I dreamt about my house and the dimensions and number of rooms were the same but it was just a little bit bigger. So, I look down the hall and my husband has painted the walls a deep red and an obnoxious purple. In addition, the work was sloppy and the door frames were black!

I was just disturbed beyond measure. Like all you feel about yourself aesthetically has just been violated by your closest friend. And you want to run far, far away. But instead of yelling at my husband, who was wearing the opposite of the horrible colors he painted my house, white cotton pants and a sea foam green cashmere sweater, I walked over to him calmly and said, "Sweetie, how do you feel about repainting the house?" And the nightmare came to a merciful end by he saying, "No, no I can't do that. We can't change it."

The reason why I was I had this dream is clear. One, I've been thinking a lot lately about how much I love the earth tone paint colors in my house. And I love my house and living in it. And how I'm ticked that J.Crew sold out of sea foam green skinny corduroy pants in 28S.

As 2011 comes to a close and I'm hoping for a better 2012, I'm not framing "better" as "getting pregnant." I never thought I would get to the place where I felt we might not ever get pregnant. And that, that would be OK and sometimes even better than OK. That life could be more fun and no less meaningful and we could still respond fully to God's calling.

We've started to frame our future life without children. It's nothing tangible really but we have expectations about retirement and money and it feels good finally to celebrate this natural physical limitation. I'm OK right now and I am happy and excited about life getting better on my terms.

Confession

2011-11-15T15:05:00.000-08:00

"Bless me father for I have sinned. It's been seven months since my last confession." That's how I started out last Saturday and I sure heard about my lack of enthusiasm for confession. The priest told me I should be "celebrating the blessed sacrament more often." I'm not sure I think of going to confession as a celebration. Growing up a Protestant and understanding at an early age about the Reformation and why Methodists were different than Catholics, I still very much identify with confessing my sins to God directly, in private prayer. I think I'm getting better at not committing sins or at least committing them less times. Did that come from getting older or confessing sins to a priest? My penance this time was to take my husband out on a date. He sort of did that for me when he took me on his motorcycle for ice cream this weekend. He went faster than he normally does because he knows I love the speed. Good man.

It's been hard going back to normal life after the trip to Peru. Pushing your body for ten hours a day is a beautiful thing. It's makes muscles and feet sore but knowing that you have it in you to keep up is so great. I've caught the bug for long-distance trekking. We actually skipping out on Thanksgiving with family to go camping in the Sierra Nevadas. I used to hate camping but now, I know I can do it.

I'll shoot myself later for saying this but it's sure nice not to have kids now. We can go on these big trips and take off for the weekend with not very much notice. It's a nice break from a lot of heartache the last two years. I was supposed to call the RE after we got back home but I'm not even remotely motivated to start any program now. Maybe next year but not now. Life is good right now with just the two of us.

We've Returned from Peru

2011-11-08T16:49:00.000-08:00

The big news to start with is I lost five pounds. The guide said this wasn't a weight loss trip because we would be well fed, but hiking steep mountains for 10-14 miles a day will make you lose weight. And I couldn't escape the fertility subject. I threw up the morning before the start of our trek and the guide asked me if I was pregnant. No, I'm not. A fellow trekker, after describing our fertility problems (OK, I brought it on myself) said, "well, you might be pregnant now." "No, I'm not." "How do you know?" "Because I know." I would have just missed getting my period until the day we got home but LAN Airlines (I hate them) booked us on a flight from Lima to LAX a day after we were scheduled to leave. So, we had some unexpected time in Lima. Not bad, but not great.

It was an amazing trip for sure. Well worth the time and expense. I can't remember the last time I took two weeks off. The trek pushed me further than I thought I could go. By the seventh day, I absolutely didn't want to walk anymore but I had to. There were no more mules to carry anybody. There was personal drama, relationship drama, religious drama, and not much serenity. But as I kept saying to myself on the trail, "I'm still alive." And back home and at work for which I am very grateful.

Clones

2011-10-10T11:31:00.000-07:00

My company recently sent me to a training conference on corporate investing. These kinds of conferences are hyper-stimulating for me which I feed into and enjoy but also leave me so exhausted after several days that all I can do is sit in dark, quiet room to gain my peace back. Professional peers (clones) conduct fascinating conversations which stimulate my thinking much deeper than my actual work colleagues. But the real kickers are the brokers who attend these things.

I'm certainly as gullible and susceptible to flattery as the next person and the brokers provide it. It's fun but I'm often left worrying about their sincerity. It's nice to believe they like you and find you interesting, but they really want your business. So, it's not a pure relationship and can't develop into a friendship and that leaves me pretty sad. I mean, I really crave intellectual stimulation and the ones that can provide it are hustling me. That sucks.

Can't seem to get a break. But I'm no longer surprised.

2011-09-26T11:04:00.000-07:00

I told my husband yesterday that I can't find solace anywhere. That's not entirely true, my SIL has been really great and my Dad is pretty good to me. But when my husband asks me how I'm feeling on different days, I don't tell him I'm fine or not fine, I tell him I just rely on Jesus. I've been paying extra special attention to the daily Mass readings and I'm finding a treasure trove of wisdom in them. Praise God!

I witnessed something this weekend that I've only seen on TV or in the movies. My FIL verbally attacked my husband. He told his son all kinds of terrible things over lunch with me and my MIL present. I've started to notice after knowing them for five years that my MIL nervously giggles when her husband is being a complete jerk. But I'd never quite seen him being a complete d*ck as he was yesterday.

The abuse I think followed the usual pattern. "You're a screw up, I told my friends what [I think] you did, your brother always does the right thing, I would never have done what you did." My husband sat there gently defending himself but he was starting to really sweat and my MIL did not intervene. I couldn't take the crap when my FIL got to the part where he sold my husband out to his friends.

I placed my hand on my FIL's forearm and said something to the effect of, "What you're doing is wrong. You're judging a situation you know nothing about. And you should not talk to your son that way." He replied, "I can say anything I want to my son, Mrs.!" He barked the "Mrs." part. I think he meant to insult my position as just a wife, but I have full confidence in myself so it didn't bother me if he was trying to cause hurt.

When the attack was winding down, I called him an egomaniac because I couldn't think of megalomaniac which was probably more descriptive of the man. So, I was pissed but we rather quickly left their house and I hugged my FIL because I love Jesus that much and told him I'd pray for him. His response was "you're praying for me? Pray for your husband." I ignored that.

Not coming from that kind of family, I was very surprised by my husband's reaction which was, "why get upset and give him the satisfaction?" That made sense to my head but my heart was just breaking for my husband. He said that's the way his father has always been, that's he's never been supportive. Praise be to God that my husband has been able to overcome that. He's not perfect, but he's a good man and I am very proud to be his wife. Yesterday's rant taught me a lot about my in-laws and that's only a good thing.

Who is it that never let you down?

2011-09-20T09:59:00.000-07:00

Since I'd been gone from the blogosphere, several seriously bad things have happened in my life. I've faced disappointment, cruelty, abandonment, and betrayal from my closest family members and friends and people who purported to be loyal to me and my husband. While that reads as a dramatic statement, it is all together true. I've experienced similar events in the past but not so much all at once and this is easily the worst year of my life.

The actual events are not as relevant as the effect it's had on my spiritual life. There have been days that only by the power of God I could live through it. I pray almost constantly knowing that the promise of satisfaction and fulfillment cannot possibly come from the material world. I say this humbly in that I think I'm beginning to understand what true reliance on God looks and feels like. I've read and heard sermons that say only the truly materially destitute can understand reliance on God which is probably true but I know Jesus really understands and identifies with people letting him down in horrific ways.

In the gospel, Jesus is confronted with betrayal by Judas, witless apostles, and hostility in many places He goes. And we all know that He called out to God on the cross, asking why He'd been abandoned. I'm not comparing myself, obviously but when I pray I know Jesus understands and that means a lot. Part of the true beauty of Christianity is that God didn't send a son who was a winner, who was the triumphant king of Israel. Jesus lost a lot. My love for Him is growing deeply through this very dark time.

Am I back?

2011-09-15T15:47:00.000-07:00

I've just got to post this: (Taken from SacredSpace)

God will not let me go. For I must be brought into that divine love, and in turn display it to others in my life. ‘You must therefore be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect’, Jesus says (Matthew 5:48). Especially, this perfection is meant to be a mirror of God’s own love, which reaches out to all humanity. Such a universal love can seem impossible to us - particularly when it includes a spirit of forgiveness towards those who offend us (cf Matthew 6:12-17; and 18:21-35). How can all this be possible? How can I, in my frail and so limited humanity, reach out in such a way? How can one forgive, particularly when there has been dreadful hurt and injustice, and no acknowledgement of the wrong perpetrated?

‘Lord, I simply cannot love in this way. I cannot be perfect, even as you are perfect! So, my dear Lord, reach deeply into my heart with your redeeming, purifying love. Gift me with your love. And then I know your love will reach out from me, despite my weakness, and in the ways you know best. Amen’.

Closing

2011-07-27T15:11:00.000-07:00

It's strange. I've had a million and one interesting things to write about over the last week and haven't moved a muscle to get it done. Maybe it's a fear of revealing too much or delving into topics most readers wouldn't be interested in (other than my deep sadness and grief over the massacre in Norway), or recounting discussions with friends that reinforce a lot of ignorance about infertility and NFP. And these are with CATHOLICS!!! I feel so separate (not the same as bad or sad) from the female NFP community.

I did read matchingmoonheads recent post about NFP Awareness Week and I think it's all very good. I'm glad my husband and I learned NFP and went through the NaPro infertility testing. More education is never a negative thing. But I see the limitations of NFP that others might have not seen. Did I lose time? Maybe. But it's not enough time to warrant much regret. We're not out of much money or time spent on the tests. Life is more than trying to get pregnant. And your faith can deepen without NFP and struggling with infertility. I don't believe infertiles like me have cornered the market on suffering.

Where this blog has taken me has not allowed for my very necessary nuances. I'm not much of a poster child for the success of NaPro so I'm not worried about not remaining an educational resource for others. I painted myself into a corner. So instead of being dramatic about it, OK lightly dramatic, I'm going to close down the blog in a short amount of time. I'm not going private. I'm not writing anymore.

I have lots and lots of hope for the future because I know that God holds me close. I'm excited for what's coming and pray for every one of you in the Catholic infertile community. Blessings to you now and always.

River

2011-07-21T10:25:00.000-07:00

We've had a lot of rain and snow in California this year. Consequently as the snow melts in the mountains, rivers have had a greater volume than in years past and are running much more powerfully. Three young people with a church group were killed this week when they climbed over a barrier near a waterfall in Yosemite. The reports said they were playing and taking pictures in the pool above the falls. One slipped on the river rocks and was pulled over the falls the other two tried to rescue the first person and they went over too. Very sad.

I also read about a waterfall in Hawaii where several people gave been killed this year when they were wading in the pool below the falls. Rumor has it that the pool has a whirlpool current running underneath the surface but officials have said the current is calm. These recent news reports reminded me of my near accident last year on our river rafting trip.

I've tried to reevaluate what happened and I talked to my husband about it. He's convinced it was the waterfall that was pushing me back down under the water. That might be true but I still think it was a whirlpool. I'm not experienced enough with river currents to make a determination but I definitely know that, that was a risk I should not have taken. My husband think I should have just swam harder and made a decision earlier in the crisis that I knew what was happening to me and reasoned a way out of the situation.

Which brings up an interesting point. I think it's much more important to evaluate the risk before the event. I didn't have enough experience with river rafting for that trip. God forbid I'd been one the people whose boat flipped over and you're been swept down a Class V river. And praise God that all the folks that did happen to were able to keep their wits about them and had rescuers down river. But, that trip was just too much for me. No one is strong enough to survive floating down a powerful river. My husband thinks it's important to challenge yourself past the point of what you feel is dangerous but I'm finally figuring out at my age that knowing what you can do and what you can't do is better than taking a chance.

I don't want the bad memories of that trip to overcome the good. Some of it was good. But, respect for rivers and other bodies of water is so important. It might sound silly but those little radio spots about boat safety doesn't go far enough. A human is no match for a river. There are too many ways to get hurt and too many ways, sadly, to die.

"Where Families Are Prized, Help Is Free"

2011-07-19T07:21:00.000-07:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/07/18/world/middleeast/18israel.html?src=recg&pagewanted=all

A very interesting article. Apparently, Israel provides free, unlimited IVF procedures until a woman is 45. A few quotes talk about how much they value life, which I don't dispute but certainly encouraging more children in Israel is an apparent goal. It's an eye-opening article.

You know your hair is too long when...

2011-07-18T15:39:00.000-07:00

...you almost choke on it when the wind whips it into your mouth. I'm really getting into this long hair since I've never had it this length and tried my hardest to make it wavy, fluffy, and fun. It feel kind of gratuitous. Don't shoot me but I think short hair is more professional since there's less opportunity to make it a centerpiece.

Trying my best to keep a normal attitude as I move into the dreaded pre-menstrual stage. Even though I want to eat nothing but chocolate cookies and cheesy bread, I'm going to lady up and eat a chicken salad. Agh.

Boy am I confused

2011-07-13T10:48:00.000-07:00

Around Sunday I started to get mopy, feeling bloated and anticipating my period in a couple days. I was very dramatic about the whole thing, complaining to my husband and him just this morning asking me why I haven't purchased a pack of tampons yet today. Well, I was looking at my calendar on the wall and figured out my period is still a week away. What a dope.

I stopped charting four months ago or so but I generally remember the date of CD1 and in this cycle, it's June 22nd. In order to keep track of things, I use associate memories to figure out where I am in my cycle. I remember meetings I was at or tasks I was doing or place I was visiting. But in this whole exercise I learned that the mind is a very powerful thing. And I wasn't bloated at all, I was just eating too many cookies.

So, it's back to being a bright, sunny person.

...to act justly and to love mercy.

2011-07-12T13:22:00.000-07:00

Thank you to those great ladies who are praying for Suzanne and posted beautiful notes on her blog. I know God is listening and will respond.

Last night at adoration chapel I was meditating on the passage above in my blog header. And I focused on this phrase, "...act justly and to love mercy." I repeated it to myself over and over trying to figure out how to best apply it to my current situations. My SIL's birthday is a few days away and I normally send a card. For a bit of time after how cruel she was to me at Easter, I contemplated many ways to drop her out of my life.

But I was coming to no pretty conclusions by dropping her from my life since she'd be a part of the family, for better or worse, much worse for a long time. She is a reality. I've faced many cruel people throughout my life not least of which were members of my own family who you come in to the world expecting instinctively that they love you and not want to hurt you. Sadly, this is for some people, maybe a lot of folks, a fact.

While I haven't been to the point of forgiveness at least with the SIL, I feel called to "act justly and love mercy." I gain nothing by getting back at her and gain a lot in terms of self-respect and hopefully with the Lord by showing her more mercy than she could show me. So, I've got the birthday card and am about to fill it out. I'm still contemplating signing it with "Love." Perhaps, "In Christ" might be a better option?

If anyone has any good, creative salutations to offer, please do!

URGENT Prayer Request

2011-07-10T20:56:00.000-07:00

Hello Readers! I'm humbly asking your prayers for a wonderful woman in my parish. She has what started as breast cancer that spread to other organs. Her name is S.uz.anne and I've posted her email to members of our parish below:

Just got the news this morning that my Brain MRI showed 15 tumors in the brain each about a centimeter. Certainly very very bad news. Doctors are hopeful they can manage this for a good amount of time and possibly even erradicate it, but tell me the next few months will be very difficult and emotional for me (I am now on Decadron for the brain swelling so watch for major mood swings!)

I had the first of 20 daily treatments of whole brain radiation today, will have another tomorrow. I'm also starting a new chemo tomorrow. I don't know how these things are going to affect me physically, but if I am at all able to sing I definitely want to.

My Oncologist told me the fatigue will be so great that I will not be able to care for the children, that I will need help. But singing makes me strong in spirit, so if I can I absolutely will.
Thanks in advance for the prayers I know will continue. We need a miracle now more than ever.

I just saw her and her family last weekend and she looked good to me but obviously is suffering. She and her husband are raising seven children so this is especially tough for her much beloved family and close friends. S.uz.anne keep her own blog so if you feel you are able, perhaps you can post a short note to her: (just remove the dots) rai.singsa.ints[dot]blo.gspot[dot]co.m

Thank you prayer warriors!!!

4th of July

2011-07-05T10:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, we hung out with our super Kni.ght.s o.f. Co.lom.bus crowd. Hot, hot, hot. We got there so early, we toyed with leaving and coming back but ended up staying to help decorate. Thank the Lord for the person who invented misters.

I had a chance to catch up with a bunch of folks I hadn't seen in a while. But one thing really did stand out. I often wear my St. Gerard medallion (a wonderful gift from a very special blogger buddy) with the cross my husband gave me for my confirmation. Well, our super parish mother, (she has nine and is planning on a tenth. Actually, she told me she's timing her next child to be born at Thanksgiving. Talk about assured fertility.) asked me what I was wearing around my neck.

-It's a charm with St. Gerard. (She obviously knows what he's the patron saint of.)
-Oh, do you have something in the works?
-No, not at all. I'm infertile. (Now I said this after having had three beers and to the entire table of people including her husband and another couple.) See, NFP doesn't work! (I laughed to show I was at least kind of kidding.)
-Well, I will be praying for you.
-Thank you. I very much appreciate that.

Now, I wouldn't have been so open if it hadn't been for the alcohol but what the heck? It was a very freeing experience to not make any bones about it. I highly recommend others trying this. ;)

Peru, baby!

2011-07-01T15:09:00.000-07:00

No, I have no baby. You're the baby! We're headed for Peru in October to do a 13-day, 60 mile hike. Do we ever take relaxing vacations?, NO! What's the point of laying on the beach? We read about this trip in the NY.T.imes are we wired the money yesterday. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I'm thrilled and excited to be doing it.

In other news, I saw the RE today. I don't know why I put it off. She was very nice, pragmatic, accommodating. I give her my entire history and said, "diagnose me." She stressed that getting pregnant is never a sure thing even for a couple, both 25 with normal fertility. She said it could be my age, my husband's age, a combination of the two, or just plain bad luck.

I told her about what we're not doing (Clomid, IVF, the thing opposite a perforated condom) and she said that's no problem, we could do injectables with monitoring and sex or maybe GIFT. My husband would balk at the cost of the latter (and I would to, really.) And with the monitoring, we'd need to use a local radiologist since the doctor agrees that driving down to L..A... for that is stressful and unnecessary.

So, with this trip to Peru, I'm happily putting off any conception attempts. What a nice break all summer to look forward to the big trip and not have to focus on fertility. [Slow, deep breath]

Veiled?

2011-06-28T21:13:00.001-07:00

I'm curious. Do you wear a veil to Mass? We have a few ladies that do so at our parish. OK, they're Hispanic but it seems like a wonderful thing to do. Do you?

The Holy Father Tweets!

2011-06-28T21:11:00.001-07:00

Broken Body

2011-06-28T16:22:00.000-07:00

I'd been hitting the workouts very hard lately (heavy weights, high impact stuff) and initially it felt great. But after a couple of months I seem to be getting injury after injury. I'm going to sound like an old person now.... Ah, my left arm just below my deltoid has been strained for two months. Last weekend I tweaked my left foot doing a spin dance thing and my right knee is screwed ever since I did a misaligned curtsy squat. If I'd just slowed down and watched the instructors feet.... Now, with the nagging annoyances at home (we seem to argue endlessly about who's not pulling their weight, stupid!), I've got a pulled right neck. Gosh.

And that's not all. When I saw my periodontist last week, the assistant girl asked if I'd had any health changes since last year. I always say my health is exemplary no matter what and I'm taking no drugs. That just makes everything easier. But this time I said everything was fine with my head area. And then I mentally ran through the litany of problems I've had lately. By the time the periodontist came around, I was complaining how everyone and their brother was nagging me over my breast ultrasound follow-up. And he joined the chorus. So, I've got that appointment next week. Can't wait to get home and put some more heat on my neck.

Water off a duck's back?

2011-06-27T14:52:00.000-07:00

My husband didn't react to Father's Day the way I did to Mother's Day. I had to get out of town for the latter but we went to my in-laws for the former. While the quick trip was hectic, I appreciated the relative calm of the day. However, when it comes to my infertility my in-laws have made insensitive comments in the past which I consistently overlook. I mean, I forgive but am not forgetting. This time when we toasted my FIL with the disappointing bloody marys I crafted (my husband reminded me to shake the mixture, not stir it), my FIL said quietly to my husband, "Hopefully, son, you'll be a father soon." Ouch. I didn't talk to my husband about this afterwards because frankly he doesn't really care and I doubt he even heard the comment.

I think we all take or took our fertility for granted. And our parents probably assumed it was there, too. Who thinks they will fall into a small minority of people who will have problems? But, I'm just not hearing from the people that chalk it up to whatever, bad luck, God's testing you, what goes around comes around, etc. Where are the couples that say, "we're movin' on?" No more drugs, no more testing, no more tries, no adoption.

Clearly I'm still struggling with that reality. I have an appointment scheduled with the RE on Friday that I cancelled last year. My reasoning back then was, "what can she tell me that I don't already know?" I guess I forgot that I thought that when I made the appointment when I got my period last week. It was this... I feel like I gave everything I could to NaPro. I trusted and I have no answers. Thankfully, many of you did not have this same result. NaPro gave you what you wanted. I'm disillusioned for sure but I should have been smarter to know that a more individualized approach would have worked better for me.

If Dr. S.tig.en had asked me, "What's been your prior experience with psychotropic drugs?" My answer would have been "not at all good." Then maybe hormone therapy/infertility drugs wouldn't be so great for my emotions. But, I marched ahead thinking how bad could this be and then it was really bad. My husband and a few of you have asked why I haven't moved on to Femara and the low dose naltrexone. The straight answer is that I'm scared what it will do to my head and I'm sick of drugs. I don't like drugs, prescription or otherwise. I'm not a fertility drug candidate. So, why is it so hard to pull the plug on this stuff?

I've said this before but I'm letting anecdotal evidence sway my decision making. I think I have a pretty good track record in knowing what I can handle and what I can't. But I guess the pressure from outside sources, like the in-laws and my own parents are making this an uphill battle. What I am thinking? I should just talk to the four of them and tell them in polite terms to lay off. This is my life, my marriage. We know what's best for us.

Time to cancel the RE appointment again?

That's a good point

2011-06-24T14:23:00.000-07:00

Please take time to read Joy Beyond the Cross's and NC's comments on my last post. Thanks for taking the time to comment ladies; I really do appreciate it. And it gives me a great opportunity to explain what might seem incongruous. But I assure you, it's not.

First, seriously, I AM NOT PRO ABORTION OR PRO ARTIFICIAL BIRTH CONTROL. Sorry to shout but I guess I've failed to make myself clear. I'm not going around advocating those activities to anybody. In the United States, we separate church and state. I believe to my core in that principle. I also believe the Jesus Christ is the Son of God and he suffered and died for our sins. Despite the fact that I'm a faithful Catholic, I'll defer to the online group and take down the "Faithful to Magesterium" button. The last thing I want to be on my blog is confusing, so down it goes.

I support absolute opportunity and equal rights for women under secular law. Women should not be subordinate to a man in the eyes of the law. The government should not be able to force a woman to give birth to a child. They should not be kept from receiving birth control. I'm sure this is not news to those of you in the know but, "Only 2% of Catholic women rely on natural family planning; this is true even among Catholic women who attend church once a month or more." If you're using NFP (like I am to not much success), we are in a tiny minority.

So this indictment of Catholics who profess respect for the United States Constitution is baffling to me. There are a lot of Catholics using birth control. I'm not one of them, so you're better off going after them. I'm not averse to conflict, actually discourse like this is fun and educational for me but I guess I'm fast approaching my limit. I don't delete any comments unless they are abusive and of course, nobody has been. I don't dislike you if you disagree with me.

I guess I'm trying to cover too many diverse topics on a narrow topic blog. Although infertility has been a big blow to me, I'd seriously hate myself if I wallowed in that fact and that's the only thing I wrote about. I'm a bad Catholic infertile blog support group member. :) But, this is my blog and I won't shy away from advocating my position.

Is it worth it anymore?

2011-06-23T16:56:00.000-07:00

I read Just Being's last entry yesterday. She made some very good points, not all of which I agree with but it reminds me that being an infertile blogger has social consequences like anything in real life. Some people will get more attention, some will say things to upset others, some will disappoint you in a myriad of ways. All that's happened to me and I suspect I've done it to somebody else.

Because I spend a lot of time anxious and critical, I think several times before I write negative things about other people. I've got problems with other bloggers at times, yes but I know most people aren't out to hurt others and if I walk away, I'll forget about it. And I prefer that state. I mean, I have major philosophical differences with the majority of you out there and what's the point of driving home my undying support of strong womens' rights laws, including abortion. You obviously disagree, let's not beat a dead horse. (I hate that analogy.) Oh, but by the way, I can't stand to read how birth control pills are the root of all evil and are the direct cause of all female maladies. Really? Come on.

But, I will say that it does upset me when I write about a sensitive topic or one I really care about and I don't get a single comment. Mea culpa, I rarely comment anymore. So, I just go ahead and delete those posts. Why let it hang out if no one is demonstrably interested? But people are reading. I track you, I know the city you live in ;) so I hope you have a good time reading.

No one is who they say they are on their blog. I'm certainly not. I've experienced and done things I would never share here even though I think it would shed a lot of light on what kind of person I am and what has motivated me. I don't have the time to write about all my current events no matter how interesting I think they are or how interesting they would be to read. I like my blog because this is the only way I'd keep a diary. Modern life is sad, right?

Becoming a Catholic, learning Creighton, finding out I'm infertile have all been major milestones in my life. And I'm glad I can weigh those lessons against what I know to be rational and true. Faith is different from that and I keep much of it separate. I know God works for me and I also know that Creighton doesn't work for me. I wouldn't have known that without the help of the infertile blog community and I thank you so very much for that. We don't all have to get pregnant and have children to come to conclusions about our predicament.

I'll keep blogging, because it's mostly fun. And I'll try not to take it personally when you don't comment. I just hope you find my blog and entertaining and educational experience.

Decisions

2011-06-21T08:52:00.000-07:00

My mother's making her strange comments again. "Even though IVF isn't approved by Catholics, you wouldn't have to tell anybody right or report it?" "Yes, Mom that's true but I've told you before we're not doing it." Then I gave a sort of crude reference to the male donation process. I've become much happier when I've stopped listening to my mother. I swear being in my thirties is the best phase of life (so far.)

But we're really getting the "are you pregnant yet?" message from all sides. Friends, co-workers (his), in-laws (mine). I feel like we're the project that never gets finished. You know what I mean? What I love about my husband and why I am attracted to him is that he is not at all susceptible to peer pressure. If he does something, he does it because he wants to, not because his buddy said to do it. I'm essentially the same way; no sororities for me in college.

That said, we're not living in a bubble and we fully understand other people's expectations. But I'm more concerned with my own. I sure get tired of this crap. I feel like I'd be more authentic by just stopping all together. No more trying. It's not fun to try month after month and keep getting rejected. I have my pride.

I've decided that if I'm not pregnant this cycle (I'm lookin' for a miracle here), I'll go see the RE I was looking at last year. Sure, she's gonna run the same story by me but I know myself, what I've been through, and what we're willing to do. I'll lay it out. We play by our rules or we don't play. Ah, self-determination. It feels so good.

"Clothes, that's all you women ever think about."

2011-06-17T10:58:00.000-07:00

Now that I've gotten to the age where I've built up a good wardrobe and feel pretty confident in what I can wear and still look professional, tailored, and comfortable, before I buy something new, I ask myself, "Do I really need this?" Of course, as a woman, there's always some inherent pleasure in shopping for shopping's sake, my husband's fiscal discipline reminds me to be choosy. I try to buy from websites that offer free shipping and generous return policies, i.e. free return shipping. If the company only gives free shipping over a certain dollar amount, I call and ask for free shipping anyhow and at least with Nor.dstrom, that works every time.

I'm almost always in the market for tailored pants because those are the hardest to fit. I hold on to black trousers for many years but tend to get very annoyed when the seams break down. Although I like the style at Ta.lbots, my MIL did comment a few years ago that she thought the quality had gotten really cheap and I'm starting to agree with her. So, although I like the quality at J.Cr.ew, they fit their clothes for stick people so it's a real trick to find the right size.

Case in point, I bought some black light wool slacks online at J.C.rew and they fit very nice. Loved them so I ordered the same style and size in navy and grey. Those pairs fit so awkwardly I returned them and was pretty disappointed they didn't work out like the black pair did. Anyhoo, I'm still in the market for super nice pants. I sometimes toy with the idea of buying a designer pair but can't get over some of those prices (>$400.)

I'm looking at some shoes from Nord.strom, but I have to wait until this afternoon (I am taking the afternoon off like all of you suggested :)) to call and get free shipping. It's a never ending saga.

What?

2011-06-15T10:44:00.000-07:00

I'm getting an indication that my company might not be reimbursing a business lunch I had last week. Geez, it's not like it was a pleasure trip. I'm trying to drum up business here. And having lunch on the company has happened three times in the last five years. Thanks people. [UPDATE] Actually, my boss was pretty nice about it although they categorized it as a per diem lunch rate. So, although the lunch was $22, they capped it at $15. Not great but not bad.

My July travel schedule is all screwed up. We were supposed to go to Colorado for a mini-vacation but then my husband said he'd be flying in Tuesday afternoon and flying out Thursday morning. That hardly seemed worth the expense so he's going without me. I really don't care about that but this was supposed to be kind of a birthday celebration.

My family members in California are flying to the Midwest in early July to see one of my sister's get a promotion. I have all kinds of problems with this. I decided I wasn't going (and I'm the only one not going) but haven't yet explained this to my sister. I don't want to go into it but I think this sibling needs to get over here to see us rather than have all of us visit her all the time. Which is what's happened for the last five years.

[UPDATE] I did have a wonderful email exchange with the sister in question. She can really be thoughtful and giving when she tries. So, we love each other and will work it out.

Ahh! [UPDATE] Back to good.

Four precious hours

2011-06-13T15:25:00.000-07:00

We've got a use-or-lose-it type of vacation here at work and yours truly has four very precious hours I must use before July 1. It's already the 13th, and I have to be strategic about this given my underling is going on vacation next week and I have to do all of his work while he's gone.

So, I need you ladies to give me a good suggestion! Do I take the afternoon off on a Friday? Do I leave early or come in a hour late for four days? This is kind of like having some special end of fiscal year candy.

Cute dress

2011-06-11T12:15:00.000-07:00

We were driving back from San Die.go yesterday and stopped at Fash.ion Isl.and and then the Bas.s Pro Sh.op in... I always forget what city it's in but, you know, the Inlan.d Em.pire. After spending more than I wanted to Anthro.polo.gie for a shirt that I'll wear until holes are in it and a great orange dress I can wear to work in the summer, I picked up a very cute dress at Bass for $20! I couldn't wait to wear it to run errands this morning and accessorized with my tiger print flats. The front just had to be pinned but since I'm so flat, I hardly worried about it. Here's a link: http://www.basspro.com/Natural-Reflections-Woven-Sun-Dress-for-Ladies-Blue/White-Print/product/10211637/-1783336

Seven months???

2011-06-03T09:38:00.000-07:00

Jeez, I hadn't realized it until I posted this fact on matchingmoonhead's blog but my laparascopy was seven months ago today. Talk about not getting the instant benefit of the surgery but since I didn't have much of anything going bad anyway, I think the lap was not very useful except for the fact I got to see my insides which is always cool. I never have watched the video again after the post-op appointment.

I guess it's the test of any blog author to be able to market one's self as switching focus. My primary readership is highly likely to be married Catholic women who were or are infertile. It's a special group, to be sure, but I think I'm the only one who has pretty much quit. I want to keep my blog but I'd better muster up some promotion skills and get a expand my audience if I want people to read about my super opinions. [sort of tongue-in-cheek.]

I've been having a good time focusing on my Spanish lessons. It's really fun and enlightening to work with my Mexico City friends. I really wish I could still speak French and Russian well but if you dropped me in Quebec, France, Russia or any former Soviet republic (loose term), I could do pretty well. Maybe not go into the full depth of my feelings or world events but have a pretty decent conversation.

The marriage is going great. My husband tries hard to make me happy most of the time and I try to keep a not-so-serious attitude when possible. It's getting easier to not focus on not being able to get pregnant.

We head to San D.iego next week and I'm staying at the same hotel as I did in April. That should be a good break. I'm now a vacation queen!

Jack & Jill

2011-05-27T17:29:00.000-07:00

Jeez, I'm not sure where I left off with my stories. Ok, it's coming to me.... I did write about calling Jack and letting him know how it felt to be abandoned by his friendship. He suggested getting together and that did happen last weekend.

My husband, bless his sweet heart, really enjoys Jack and says he's very interesting to talk to since he knows many things. I know this to be somewhat true but I know Jack to make statements that are clearly untrue just to argue the point and draw the other party into it. Case in point, he told me when we were dating that "70% of the po.r.n is consumed by women." This is such a crazy statement that even I couldn't believe it but it stands as a prime example of Jack's thinking.

They were late. Jill wasn't going to come since she has morning sickness but managed to make it. The conversation was pleasant enough. I refrained from calling them out on their chicken behavior. Hell, if you want to end it, be a man (or woman) and say it. Don't drop it. I did my duty as a former girlfriend and someone who's known Jack for sixteen years, not to let his wife know that I know him better than she does. She is stupid not to believe it but I didn't want to confirm anything. Almost everything experienceable that Jack talked about, I was actually there when it happened or knew about it within minutes of it happening.

The only thing Jack said that pissed me off was when he said African priests are hyper-conservative and hate gays. I reminded him that one of our priests is African and he f'ing officiated at our wedding that Jack and Jill attended. He's never talked about things he hates or even dislikes, other than sin and I wouldn't ever imagine him speaking against homosexuality even if he didn't like it. Despite coming from a strong Catholic family himself, Jack can't bring himself to be respectful.

Jill did say something that made me a bit concerned in that she's somewhat religious (heck, they kneeled at an altar at their wedding) but Jack's an atheist and Jill's worried this will cause some problems once the baby's born. I could see that coming a mile away. No one think differing religious views can hurt a couple until you introduce another human being into the situation that you have to raise.

I didn't want to sound like their mother but I do find it odd they felt it was a good time to have a baby when they both do freelance work and they haven't work since Christmas. They live in a very desirable beach community and they pay dearly for that, a tiny 700 sqft, one bedroom, one bathroom condo. I did ask how they were going to put a child in that place and Jack conceded that finding another place to live might be in their immediate future. Too bad the condo is worth $100K less that what he bought it for on 100% financing.

If it seems like I'm gloating, I feel justified about that to a certain extent. I mean, my husband and I own a big enough home for three kids, we make enough money to give our kids a nice lifestyle but ironically, we have no kids. We did rehearse before the brunch what we'd say if they asked us about pregnancy plans, but thankfully Jack and Jill didn't address it and I tried to ask no questions about her pregnancy. I really didn't want to break them out of their naive belief that pregnancy is a highly controllable state. Ignorance in their case, is bliss.

I'm not calling him anymore. While I could spend lots of time wishing he would be a better person and friend, the odds are stacked against that and I've got to move forward with more trustworthy folks. At least I got to drink a bloody mary.

On The Fence?

2011-05-26T13:22:00.000-07:00

I talked to Dr. Sti.gen a couple weeks ago. I'm not sure I wrote about it here. I asked her about doing an ultrasound study but after talking with the husband, decided against it. If I was insecure about my CM, I certainly don't want the same thing when it comes to follicle size. Besides, it's not practical. Not cost-effective or time-effective. I can do without.

She mailed me a cycle plan with all the regular NaPro stuff, Femara, Vitamin B6, Fertile CM, Mucinex, Biaxin, Low Dose Naltrexone, and the blood draw order. Part of me thinks why not do it? Could it hurt? But, I'm not jazzed about anything I've taken before. Femara's not got me convinced and the possible nightmares on Naltrexone is scaring me half to death. I'm already an intense dreamer and blocking my opioids hardly sounds promising.

None of what she wants me to take is very groundbreaking in the NaPro world, it's what they all prescribe. I'm just not there with trying the same thing for yet another cycle and trying anything new. I haven't filled all the prescriptions and so this next cycle will be drug free again.

At least it's happening to someone famous and important! ;)

2011-05-18T20:43:00.001-07:00

Lots of Stuff

2011-05-17T10:51:00.000-07:00

The items below are in no particular order.

I'm scaling back a lot of my concentration on infertility. While my mood recently has not been all roses and rainbows, I do find that moving on emotionally is a better way to live. I'm seeing infertility like any other disability and it helps to frame it that way. It's not going away so I'd better not dwell on it.
I have many things to be thankful for, work, finances, health (in all the other body systems.) My work is very important to me. I don't see any reason why I can't rise to the very top of my profession and I concentrate on doing the things I need to prepare for that. This is not without it's problems like potentially seeing my salary rise about my husband's in the next several years. It's really an inevitability as my husband will be long retired when I hit my professional peak.
We live in an exurb and I've invited my friends, my close friends from the Big City to visit us at our home and have dinner. Really, my cooking has become quite superb. :) Mind you the drive would take them all but 45-50 minutes but nearly all of them quietly refuse. It's finally upset me when Afina said she'd meet us in Mal.ibu for lunch when that's over an hour away from us and and about a half hour from her, both in opposite directions from our homes. I sent her an email which she has yet to respond to saying how important it is for me to host her family in my home. I can't help but feel slighted in this regard.
My husband and I are taking Spani.sh lessons. It gives us something to do that might turn out to be very helpful. This will be my fourth language!
I've got some spiritual goals that I should have been working on during Lent but hey, starting now is as good a time as any. I'm working on gentleness, not being judgmental, not complaining, looking on the sunny side of things.
I just spoke to Jack (first boyfriend, close friend at one time.) I had to get a straight answer as to why we were dropped. He claimed that his wife did not ask him to do that although he could understand the issues with communicating with an ex-girlfriend. I didn't argue with him but explained that his lack of communication hurt me a lot. That felt good to say. Jack said it wasn't intentional and said he was a bad friend. I know I walked straight into this so I'm not at all upset but his wife is nine weeks pregnant and she's having constant morning sickness. I told him we were very happy for them. We're trying to get together, all four of us, for brunch this Sunday. I'm not taking it to heart so much, I guess I just needed to say it.

An Important Addendum

2011-05-09T09:51:00.000-07:00

I neglected to mention in my last post that I believe there is a solution to accepting death and infertility, Christ. Actually, the priest did mention it in his homily that many situations in life do not have a apparent, earthly solution. But Christ is the answer. Christ is the solution. I think the Frontline episode might have been served with mentioning that faith can play a powerful role in the dying person and their families accepting the inevitable. I know egocentrism is in vogue these days but a little perspective goes a long way. Life is bigger than me, way, way bigger. The life I want to live is perhaps not the life God wants me to live.

I'm seeing infertility like any other disability, it sucks but it's there. Stephen Hawking who has ALS said this recently, "My advice to other disabled people would be, concentrate on things your disability doesn’t prevent you doing well, and don’t regret the things it interferes with. Don’t be disabled in spirit, as well as physically." Amen.

Something To Relate To

2011-05-08T16:46:00.000-07:00

I just finished watching a Frontline episode entitled "Facing Death." I've been interested in end-of-life issues for a while now since I've experienced the death of three grandparents. Deciding when to stop treatment is very, very difficult because most people want to believe that there is always a treatment option available that can prolong their life. Watching a relative or loved one die is very difficult but watching them die slowly in a hospital on life support, I think, is much worse. I would highly recommend watching the episode; you can do that on-line.

We managed to escape for 24 hours this weekend. I've been thinking about getting away from home for Mother's Day for several months now but just put the plan into place last Monday. It took some maneuvering with the family to do it and although I explained that the infertility has been very painful and I thought they got it, they made statements later which makes me think they really don't understand it. So be it. I did the best I could to not be distant and remain loving when I said no to offers for brunch or dinner today.

However much like some British subjects who might have wanted to escape the Royal Wedding last weekend and their only clear option was hiding under a rock, if you ventured online or even stepped outside your house today, you couldn't escape Mother's Day. I knew Mass would be a particular problem spot and it started with a young couple holding the doors for us the Los An.geles Cathed.ral and the woman saying to me, "Happy Mother's Day." Hmmm.

The priest didn't much better when he asked all the mothers present to stand and also if you were currently pregnant, you should stand to, to come get a carnation. I thought about standing and should have done it because I found it a bit isolating. Sure, there were hundreds of people there but I still felt self-conscious. And it made me think the Church or some leaders in the Church don't get it or understand the teaching. All that matters is that you're open to life, right? Faithful to the Magisterium. What if I was the woman who'd had one or more miscarriages and I can't stand because I'm not currently pregnant? What kind of crap is that? I've done everything the Church sees as permissible to get pregnant. I count and deserved that carnation.

But back to the Frontline episode.... Someone makes the statement in the show like, "I don't want to ever stop treatment no matter how small the chances are that it won't make me live better or longer." I think how people view end-of-life treatment can be very similar to how they view infertility treatment. It's not OK to say, "I'm not doing this anymore. I surrender. I accept because the treatment is making me more miserable than I need to be." You know, we can do one more bone marrow transplant, or one more IVF cycle, or one more round of Clomid. Right now I see the Femara as a last ditch effort but part of me is also thinking that it's pointless to go through this.

Before July 2010, when I began the diagnostic testing my husband said that we shouldn't expect to get pregnant until we know what's wrong and it's fixed. Well, that's happened and we're still not pregnant. The months on Clomid were really bad and made me life worse in those moments. I don't want to do the Femara if that's going to happen and I just feel so much pressure during the treatment months. When do we start asking our NaPro doctors that when quality of life is diminishing, isn't it time to stop treatment? Or are we always compelled to kept trying because is just might happen to us?

I hate having to say this

2011-04-28T10:00:00.000-07:00

It didn't happen. I'm seriously bummed, practically numb. But, I'm reminded of the more serious things happening in the world especially the tornado related deaths in Alabama that prayers are better offered for their souls and property.

I really shouldn't be saying this...

2011-04-27T10:13:00.000-07:00

I'm in the familiar zone of the "maybe I am, probably I'm not" when it comes to achieving this long-awaited dream of having a child. The facts are:

I knew and noted here that this would be a long cycle. I didn't really start fertile CM until CD 21 but determining the peak day is very difficult for me since the fertile CM never really ended. Heck, I even had some on CD 32. Today is CD 36 and my best guess is that yesterday was P+12. That's not really significant for me since I've had many P+12 and P+13s in the past. The highest I've ever achieved is P+15. But I've been playing this game with myself that if I just get past Tuesday and Wednesday, I'm pregnant. However, I don't know which day is the confirming day. Is it Saturday? Monday?
I've never in my entire life had a cycle this long. That's really not materially significant but it does make me believe that maybe this is the difference in my body that will make all the difference. We used lots of days which I am forever grateful to my husband.
Of course, if it all fails today, this post will feel very silly but I couldn't let this opportunity to go by without saying something.

I learned long ago not to put the cart before the horse when it came to things like jobs. You know, imagining what kind of apartment I'd live in, in the new city. What would I do when I got there, etc.? But as a woman who has never had the experience of a pregnancy, my mind is racing about how significant this would be for my life. I'm tempted to list all those thoughts now, but I'll wait until I've confirmed this is actually true.

You might say, "why don't you take a HPT?" Well, I can't take the disappointment. Because if it's negative, then the pain is inevitable. I'd rather not know. But, the guessing game is still hard and anxiety producing.

Anniversary

2011-04-26T16:34:00.000-07:00

Today is my one year blog anniversary. I really hope descriptions of my journey through infertility has helped some folks and my prayers for this large community have helped support a great group of Catholic women.

Excited!

2011-04-18T15:50:00.000-07:00

I'm getting the heck out of dodge! Here's my schedule for the next two weeks: Tuesday night through Friday afternoon, attend conference in S..an Di.ego. Saturday morning, head to the in-law's house. Sunday, Easter! Rejoice!, next Monday through Thursday, back to work (blah), and Friday, take the day off to watch a televised wedding. Can't wait!!!

All of this excitement is causing me to not want to do much work for the remainder of today and tomorrow, but I'll make do. I love traveling and I'll be doing it alone again this time since the husband cannot possibly take time away from work. Too bad for him, he'll miss the ocean view room.

I am having the wackiest cycle ever. I didn't get fertile CM until around CD 22 and I'm probably at P+3 or 4 today. Although it seems silly to take tampons on the trip, I guess I will and hope for the best. Maybe I'll have my Easter miracle. ;)

Commitmentphobe Phobic

2011-04-15T10:28:00.000-07:00

I'd really like to hear your thoughts on this post. I'm fairly confident in my feelings and evaluation of the situation, but getting a reality check is always helpful.

I guess I took Peter off my "Cast of Characters" a bit too soon since he's back. While I was still sleeping this morning, my husband was up and about. I heard him on the phone with someone talking about finances so I knew it was a friend and not business related. But when I heard him say, "Stacy's the 22 year old?" that's when I got concerned.

My husband had left by the time I got out of the shower, so I called.

[Me] - Who were you talking to this morning?
[Him] - Peter. He broke up with Kate.
[Me] - Why were you talking about a 22 year old?
[Him] - Oh, that's a girl he works with that he's [sleeping with.] (He used a cruder term.) Peter's coming out to L..A... in a few weeks and he asked if we wanted to go to Disn.ey.land with him. I told him that we were all amusement park'ed out but we'd meet him for dinner.
[Me] - I'm not meeting a 22 year old for dinner. (Commentary on this below)
[Him] - He's not bringing her but a Mor.m.on he's dating.
[Me] - How could Peter be dating a Mor.mo.n?
[Him] - He's not [sleeping with] her.
[Me] - I could have guessed that. Faithful Mor.mons are not dating a guy like Peter, casually or seriously.
[Him] - You don't have to come to dinner. I can go by myself.
[Me] - That might be a good idea.

It's not that I wouldn't have dinner with a 22 year old, I would. Age makes no difference to me, I'll talk to a 2 year old to a 222 year old. It's just that 22 year olds that date Peter are hardly worth having dinner with. But, he's not bringing her but a mid-thirties M.ormon that I can guess was likely raised as a Mor.mon but is not involved in the church anymore. Everyone on my mother's mother's side is L.D...S. I know something about how they live their lives.

I'm not so much worried that Peter wrongly influences my husband it's just that I am profoundly, deeply offended by Peter's lifestyle. The casual sex, the new girl every two to three years, the debauchery, the cheating, I'm not into it. It's a good thing Peter lives out-of-state because I couldn't handle this guy more than twice a year. So, I've decided to not have dinner with them. I guess that's it.

Crazy

2011-04-13T20:47:00.000-07:00

I was convinced I was having my very first dry cycle since I got to CD 19 and had nothing, nada. But on CD 20, it was 10KL x3! Yo! And today it was 1,000 CKL, if you use the multiplier and I was listening to this song at work. So, I expect this to be a very long cycle perhaps 36 days or so. But, we're using lots of days so I'm very happy. Rock on!

Weight... wait.

2011-04-13T10:59:00.000-07:00

It's all coming together so I might as well write about it now. By it, I mean weight, body image, fitness, nutrition, all that stuff. A couple of weeks ago, a doctor my husband used to see and I did see once and paid about $475 out-of-pocket to do that emailed people, including me, a video and short article about the supposed toxicity of sugar. You can view it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBnniua6-oM although make some time because it's an hour and a half long. I was viewing the NYTimes website and saw an article about the speaker in the video and his claims about sugar's badness. The article is here: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/17/magazine/mag-17Sugar-t.html?_r=1&hp=&pagewanted=all

I went to see that doctor because of my chronic yeast infections thinking that my problem might be based on my bad nutrition. Well, it turned out the infection was bacterial and I was just using the wrong lubricant. So much for a systemic cause. The doctor wanted me to do this food allergy test which involved all sorts of powders and shakes and weaned me off nearly every type of food even the most healthful American is eating. The powder sits untouched in the pantry of an unoccupied house.

I make being healthy a top priority. I am fortunate in that the majority of my recent ancestors on my mother's side had no propensity for bodily disease and they were all thin. I can't say much for their mental health as we have evidence of great-grandma having a "nervous" disposition which in modern terms can likely mean she had regular anxiety attacks. And there's nothing inherently good about being skinny as at least two people in my family have/had an.or.exi.a. I thank God nearly every day that He did not afflict me with that disease. I continue to enjoy a healthy appetite.

So, I've got a good base but as I and everybody else ages, it can be hard to maintain one's weight or at least you probably have to work at it. I've been involved in sports and dancing since I was a wee tyke and I love, love, love being active to this day. In fact, I start getting anxiety attacks when I haven't worked out for two or more days straight. I do anywhere from a half hour to an hour and a half of high intensity aerobics, weight training, pilates, shadow boxing, and dancing.

I don't exercise that much to be thin although that does happen. I do it to be in great physical shape. I like knowing I've worked nearly every muscle in my body and I've got the strength and flexibility to do anything I want. It's also motivating to know I can control what others seem to not be able to. While women around me (and some men) complain about how they can't lose weight, I secretly know exactly how to master this and can drop anywhere from three to five pounds in four or five days.

What I consider my normal weight is what I can maintain with regular exercise and not eating too much. If I eat a lot, I'll be about two to three pounds over normal. If I am working out really hard and long and am fasting, I can be two to three pounds under weight. I don't get nervous about my weight fluctuating a few pounds since I had be back to normal within a week if I half to.

Up until about age 25, I could eat anything I wanted (I would sometimes eat Haagen-Dazs and drink Grolsch for dinner) and not gain. But, all that changed when I was around 27 and living in Washing.ton. D.C. and trying to escape a super bad work situation by eating my way out of it. I never weighed myself in D..C. since I didn't have a scale but I would estimate I was about ten to fifteen pounds heavier than when I moved there.

On my month-long road trip back to California, I resolved to lose the weight and I remember it took about a month to six weeks to do that. Getting away from a bully boss and lots of exercise was about all it took. And for six years, I've maintained the same weight.

My nutrition was marginal up until I met my husband who by the nature of his work and how his mother fed him as a child, he was used to eating lots of fresh fruits and vegetables and enjoyed it. I was never really a salad person and would throw a fit when asked to have one for dinner, but now I actually like salads and happily make them for dinner. I get nervous when I've eaten too much food that's white, white bread, white rice, white whatever. I run to something with color.

This winter/spring we keep the fridge stocked with fresh berries and I eat a mixture almost every afternoon. That helps with fiber! And it also cuts my appetite for dinner. Lately I've had a rule that I stop eating by six o'clock every night although I have a far from perfect record. Late meetings on Monday and Tuesday caused me to eat two McD cheeseburgers and fries and five oreos for dinner, respectively at 9pm both nights. I hope to get back to the salad tonight.

Back to sugar... it stands to reason that people should eat as many non-processed foods as possible since that's a recent invention and the human race has gotten by pretty good so far eating natural foods. But, temptation abounds and I would hate for anybody to have to quit yummy foods cold turkey. So, for me, I eat well as much as possible but when I have the craving for a cookie, a brownie, and cake, I eat it. There's no point in being miserable. Amen!

Lovely Day

2011-04-12T08:55:00.000-07:00

I don't think I could have had a better start to a work day. My husband's been very good this month about..., you know. He's constantly asking me if I want to do it and of course I say yes every time. So, he asked this morning and then said in a loud, full voice (we're alone in the house, though), "I LOVE YOU!" "Darling, I want you to have a bouncing baby boy named (his name) Jr." I replied that he knew we already have the names picked out and his was not the one. Well, it would be the middle name for the first boy. I sure love getting ahead of myself! So, this song is dedicated to my husband.

My "Conversion" Story

2011-04-11T17:32:00.000-07:00

Joy Beyond the Cross had asked for my conversion story so.... Why the quotes in the title? Because as I was a baptized Christian before coming into the Catholic Church, I don't consider it a conversion. I look at as a mutual acceptance. I accepted the Church, they accepted me. So, please don't get your hopes up about my story as it's not nearly as touching or exciting as others you've read.

I was a Metho.dist and then I attend a Presb.yterian Church in college. Then after college, I was deeply involved with an Episcop.alian church and then I bounced between the three until I met my husband. But, I'd briefly toyed with the Orth.odox Church and then met a seminarian right after college who I performed yoga with on the beach and he said since I was going to an Anglican church, I might as well go all the way and be a Catholic. I didn't really concern me much at that time but I kept it in the back of my mind.

One of the major reasons I pursued my husband (and not just date him for a few months) was that he was a believing Christian. Where ever you are from, Church-going men might be in abundance but in the big cities where I was living, it was rare. And they might have some wacky beliefs they stray too much from what I think is basic Christian doctrine.

When we talked about getting married, my husband and I arrived at the decision that I would do the RC.IA class. At least that's how I remember it. It was just kind of easy. I wanted us to worship together and Catholicism wasn't foreign to me and I think it's important to assimilate in marriage. The latter just always felt like a good marriage principle to me. Romantic, no but practical, yes.

I was not impressed with the R.CIA class as they seemed to jump to odd topics and never followed a logical program like I was used to in other learning situations. However, my sponsor was my sweet, special friend Holly and we traveled that journey together and learned a lot about each other. She is a deeply faithful Catholic with a tremendous amount of love in her heart for all of God's creatures. Holly's the best!

In short, I'm a Catholic and I appreciate the Church in many ways such as how they support marriage. As you've read before, I don't believe Church teachings should push into the legal sphere. I recognize that it's a human organization and people make mistakes and large organizations make big mistakes.

My relationship with Christ is something I'm constantly working on and I take a lot of comfort in knowing that He's in my life and I can depend on him, even though sometimes I don't. Wow, I'm starting to sound really pedestrian. Anyhow, that's my story.

Behind

2011-04-06T12:01:00.000-07:00

I'm way behind in writing about all kinds of thing here. I want to write in detail about the Alabama trip and all the great places I found in Birmingham and Montgomery. I miss the pace of life there and although I know how special it was to have that many family members gathered in one place at one time, I can't help but wish that's what life is like always. But, I'm an adult and should have figured (or at least remembered) that life is not just about special moments. It's filled with the mundane that I have such a hard time coping with. Everyone tells me to calm down, life can't always be exciting but that itch for excitement never goes away.

I want to write about work but that seems wrong to do while I'm actually at work but suffice it to say that I've been here for several years and I'd like to move on to something else. I guess it's because I don't quite feel like I fit here. I'm a big talker when there are things I want to talk about, politics, religion, national security, philosophy, etc. and everything along those lines. I just can't stand all the drama about personal lives, kids, dead beat dads, kids birthday parties, what kids say, the baby talk amongst adults. Ahhh!

Do I sound hardhearted? Perhaps, but I'm not a parent but even if I were one, I don't think I want to tell other people stories about my kids throwing up in the van. I'm selectively sentimental at work. Perhaps my brain is just not wired that way at work. I'm not here because I surveyed everybody and think we can be best friends. I'm here to earn money, be productive, and move up. This is not a charity, but sometimes it feels very close to it.

P.S. I can't figure out how to close the comments on this post but I wouldn't want anyone to feel like they have to respond to my complaining, so don't comment unless you feel supernaturally compelled. Does anybody know how to close comments on selective posts? :)

A Different Kind of Life

2011-03-30T11:41:00.000-07:00

The memorial service this weekend was very, very beautiful. The pastor gave the eulogy and although she flubbed a few names, I/we did overlook this given the great job she did on the full presentation. I met my great Aunt ten years ago when she was in her eighties. So, for me, her life was specific to her elderly years however, after hearing from other family and friends, she led a very consistent life up until the very end. She was one of the greatest women and greatest Christians I'd ever met and hearing how she lived a life faithful to Christ was very inspirational.

Right before she died, she'd mailed a birthday present to her great-granddaughter. She'd mailed her monthly church tithe, and left instructions that when she died, her son should pay the remaining tithe amount for the calendar year. She never spoke badly about anyone, and although I'm sure she had her judgments, she never expressed them to me and no one claimed any different. She was for me, the grandmother I never had, someone so pure in heart, she was an archetype for the ideal woman, gentle, kind, loving. The pastor quoted her favorite biblical passage in Micah 6:8, "He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

I had a great conversation with my second cousin's cousin (you wouldn't believe the distant familial connections in that house) and told him that during the service, I couldn't help but think about my own funeral and what people would say about me. He said he was thinking the same thing. It's one thing to admire and revel in the great faith and love shown by another person but I think it's appropriate to feel compelled to follow her good example.

But, in thinking about how I might do this, I've paused many times to ask if this is even possible? My great Aunt was a child of the Depression, did not go to college, married young, didn't work after her marriage or in her widowhood. I don't think she ever traveled much beyond Alabama. She was a product of her geography, her family, and her generation. Could someone like me, ambitious, restless, worldly, Gen Y, showy, even hope to aspire to be like my great Aunt?

She Died

2011-03-24T16:50:00.000-07:00

Shortly after my last post my dad called to tell me my great aunt died on Wednesday. It's been a whirlwind of activity making flight reservations, car reservations, hotel reservations, and coordinating with family members, let alone deal with her death. I'm very sorry my visit to see her got put off so many times but God knows best.

I'll be flying into Birmingham tomorrow and staying the night there before heading to Montgomery on Saturday. Too bad none of the men in my life could accompany me; I'm flying solo this time until I'm back in the heart of Dixie and embraced by loving family members.

If you haven't tried...

2011-03-23T15:33:00.000-07:00

...taking a break from attempting conception, I highly recommend it. For the last two months I've gotten my period and it was no surprise since we didn't try. That spared me the crying, the extreme disappointment, the crazies; I feel in control again.

It didn't even bother me that for some reason today, both my MIL and my mom asked my husband and me, respectively if we had any news to share. Husband replied confidently, "No, she's not pregnant." And I told my mom, "No, I have nothing to report." Rather than feeling on the defensive, I'm projecting an image of I Know What's Going On In My Life and I'm Not Wasting Time on 'did it happen this month'? CD 1 is full of hope and I'm embracing it.

Lent Resolution Check-In

2011-03-23T10:48:00.000-07:00

We're two weeks into Lent and I've (we've) strayed a total of three times. To re-cap, we decided to not go out to eat during Lent for all meals. The exceptions are, if someone invites us out, that's OK and if we're away from home and have to eat, go ahead and buy something. The first time I cheated, I was just being temperamental and drinking a margarita alone in a Mexican restaurant was quite a revelation. We did go out for St. Patrick's Day and then again for lunch on Monday but my boss invited me, but I still consider that a stray.

I just got my period and I think that means this cycle was pretty short. I didn't chart and only checked the dates a couple times this cycle but I guessed I'd be at 28 days on Friday. So, and this is just a guess, my cycle ended yesterday, was it only 25 days? The suspense will remain until I get home to check my excel chart.

I'm really hoping we can make something happen this cycle. I really dread going to another Easter family event with no pregnancy, but that's the way it goes. It's seriously depressing with no children in the family (that's close by) and everyone just keeps getting older and talks about the same things at every holiday.

I think it's time for me to go

2011-03-19T20:27:00.000-07:00

It may seem silly, but I feel like Alabama is my home. I mean, I was born and raised in California and live there now. But, my grandmother (who has long passed away) is from Montgomery. And my father lived there intermittently. My great aunt still lives there. I was there when 9/11 happened.

We were not listening to TV when it happened and my cell phone was turned off for several hours. I was supposed to fly back to Los Angeles that day. When I turned on my phone, I had eleven new messages. My cousin and I were driving. My dad was telling me not to get on the airplane. I didn't know what that meant. When we got back to the house, we saw the taped images. I couldn't fly home. I stayed in Montgomery for several days when I finally found a rental car and drove to see family in Florida. I don't remember if I flew out of Florida or Alabama back to Los Angeles but my then boyfriend from Dothan, AL picked me up from LAX.

My siblings don't feel the same pull I feel towards Alabama. One of them visited once but I was the only one who flew there to bury my grandfather who wanted to be placed next to my grandmother. My father's extended family was distant from me in childhood but as an adult I felt I needed to know them because I had such a bad experience with my mother's family. Put kindly, there were weird and sometimes mean.

Perhaps my father idealized his family but I only find kindness and acceptance with his relatives. When my mother's mother was telling me she couldn't believe and could eat ice cream and not gain weight, my father's mother's niece was telling me who much I reminded her of my grandmother, that I was kin. And when I was in AL, my great-Aunt said how sorry she was she couldn't cook for me like she did for my dad and uncle. It was a kind of tenderness I didn't see often.

When I'm very sad, I guess like now, I really want to be there. I know I have the means and the ability to catch a flight there tomorrow. It's a good fantasy.

Heading to Alabama

2011-03-19T15:27:00.000-07:00

I'm working with a cousin of mine to meet him in Montgomery in May. At first I was just going to stay there but now I think it'd be fun to see an old boss in VA and I hope to be able to see some bloggers I've only read about ;). If you're in the vicinity, could you drop me a comment?

Disputing

2011-03-18T15:45:00.000-07:00

I feel I'm not Catholic enough for some people, but it doesn't really worry me since I've never been one to look for validation beyond very close friends and family. I keep telling myself not to post my criticisms of the Church or Church policies, but I really can't leave well enough alone. Besides, what's the point of being an American if you can't exercise your free speech and work for intelligent public discourse?

I'm a faithful Catholic, I attend Mass every Sunday, go to confession, support Catholic charities, adhere to the guidelines against contraception and other banned substances and fertility procedures. I also can't stand by when religious and apologists make statements that are untrue. I'm an activist myself and I know that when you believe in your position so strongly, it's tempting to polarize the issue by making the other side look patently evil and misrepresent them. It happens with animal rights, gay rights, abortion, etc.

Quite a few of the stances I take in my own life might line up with Church teaching but a lot of them also make good sense. I like rational decision making, I think it's good for people. My decision not to use IVF is not because the Church says it's wrong, it's because it's not a rational procedure to submit to. It's very expensive that most middle-class people cannot comfortably afford it. I've read a fair number of couples go into debt (the dreaded credit card kind) to undergo an IVF cycle. Bad decision. When I first started this blog, I'd just finished reading The Baby Business. It's not technically considered Lenten reading material, but I highly recommend it. I wanted to understand assisted fertility as a business, because most everything in life is a business, sadly.

I've also learned that fertility drugs make me crazy and I have an inherent moral duty to be good for my husband. Clomid makes me bad for him and that's unfair. And why in the world would I go to a drug even more powerful? A child couldn't exist without our marriage so why would I sacrifice it's goodness by submitting to medical treatment that might give me a baby but make him want to divorce me?

I'm not an apologist for the Creighton Method, and I've said so here before.

And I guess that gets me to my ultimate point for this post. Christina posted in her last comment an article that I'd half read several months ago: Babies Deserve Better. After she posted I link, I read the whole thing pretty carefully. There are several serious errors (that I spotted) in the article.

According to the Pope Paul VI Institute, couples who have learned to chart effectively have a 76 percent chance of conceiving during their first cycle of use and a 98 percent pregnancy rate by their sixth cycle.

Not true. According to the Institute, this quoted success rate is only for couple with "normal fertility" and that is never defined. My guess is you're considered normal if you've gotten pregnant within six months since that's very close to 100% in that study.

The primary reason the Church opposes IUI and IVF is that these techniques frustrate the unitive aspect of the marital act.

Partly true. I'm not sure about the Church but the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops have neither approved nor disapproved IUI when the sperm is obtained through a natural act of intercourse. Dr. Hilgers himself said the main reason the Church opposes IVF is that it's abortive in nature meaning many embryos are created in the process and some will die or be destroyed when the couple doesn't want them or need them.

When you are infertile, every act of intercourse is pregnant with the hope that God will work a miracle.

Every act? Not when you know you're an infertile in the infertile part of her cycle. It's disingenuous to dismiss the fact that lovemaking when you're infertile is very stressful and heartbreakingly frustrating.

Ironically, many couples using IUI and IVF in their late twenties and mid-thirties were contracepting earlier in marriage. This is because IUI and IVF are the logical counterparts of the contraceptive mentality, which has as a fundamental tenet that women enjoy total control over their fertility.

This is far from ironic. The vast majority of sexual active adults use some form of contraception. NFP is very rare. "The contraceptive mentality" permeates the Western World, not just for people who use IVF. I think most free people assume total control over most things in their life, not just as it comes to fertility.

There are certainly some very good points in the article and I think it's good to hear those things from a couple who is experiencing infertility themselves. The article was written some years ago, I wonder if they ever were able to have their child.

Age

2011-03-15T11:23:00.000-07:00

There's just such good dialogue in When Harry Met Sally. Sure, it's an old movie and maybe quite a few of you youngins haven't seen it. If that's true, good ahead and stream it on Ne.tflix. A sample:

Sally - The biological clock doesn't start ticking until 36.

Then,

Sally - ...And I'm gonna be 40!
Harry - When?
Sally - Someday...
Harry - In 8 years.

Oh, how I wish it was eight years away for me. I turn thirty-four in several months which puts me squarely in the mid-thirties range. I'm not saying anyone who can't get pregnant after trying several months shouldn't be concerned, they should be, but I think being infertile at 34 trumps 24.

This is a completely anecdotal observation but most women heading towards IVF or try it sooner, are over 35. Maybe they got married "late" or just decided to wait to start a family. But I can understand the time pressure you feel you're under at this age. Women under 30 probably feel they've got some time to let things work themselves out. Older women don't feel they have that luxury.

I think the Church should give a little attention or show some empathy towards women who feel the pressure to go down the ART road. Is it just me, or does the Church spend more time giving declaratives rather than exploring the complexity of human emotions? I know why "feel good" churches are popular these days because people feel they are getting attention on the issues that affect them the most. Can we come to a happy medium in the Catholic Church? Declaratives are good for small children, not adults.

Not going down without a fight

2011-03-14T13:45:00.000-07:00

For several weeks I'd been contemplating an email to Jack slicing him for neglecting our friendship to the point of whithering death. I don't shy away from telling people who've upset or hurt me how I feel. I used to do it with great speed (the telling part) but now it takes me forever since I'm mindful of coming off as diplomatic as I can be in that type of communication.

My feelings really were lying here... I was a loyal, close, very supportive friend for many, many years and to drop me is in serious bad taste. Screw you and arrivederci.

For some reason we decided to watch When Harry Met Sally this weekend and I think the movie helped me understand something I didn't realize previously. That no matter what I think/thought about the friendship with Jack, his wife thinks about it entirely differently. No matter that for eleven years we were strictly friends and NEVER were we in an even remotely romantic situation, I'm forever an ex-girlfriend. Maybe his wife feels threatened. Maybe she would just rather cut me off at the pass, I don't know. But, I know that they don't think of me in the same way I think about myself. I'm a good friend.

Popular culture is not on my side because When Harry Met Sally and My Best Friend's Wedding all point to the same conclusion, men and women cannot be just friends. And I guess if you did previously date one another even if it was a heck of a long time ago, that status never goes away and some people are very fearful it will come up again. I guess I'll have to let it lie. Even though I never told my husband that he couldn't talk to his ex-girlfriends (but he couldn't see them without me and he has to tell me any time he contacts them or they contact him) maybe some don't have the same policy. Oh well.

What's Your Style?

2011-03-11T10:32:00.000-08:00

I've made an observation on folks commenting on my blog recently. They seem to fall into two different categories (although there are exceptions, of course), those who offer support/ideas on the life details I share and those who only seem to care about challenging my opinions on abortion. I like to think I'm multi-faceted and hope people find the diversity here interesting. I'd get bored with only posting my political and social positions or just talking about where I am in my cycle, etc. I appreciate comments and don't get easily offended by differing opinions, I just don't like it when people put ideas and words in my mouth. I understand that blogs are very public and hope that people who don't comment find useful information here. Yes, some people can get through NaPro and not be cured. I'm a shining example!
My poor husband said that yesterday was the worst day he'd had in four or five years. That period predates me so I'm selfishly grateful and very happy that I was not demanding with him yesterday.
I'm still growing my hair out although I have moments where I want to shave it off out of sheer frustration. This topic actually deserves it's own blog post.
I realized this morning that Lent lasts until April 20th? Is that right? I think this not going out for food might be more difficult than I realize. I'm already thinking about lunch especially given I can't eat meat.

Ash Wednesday recap

2011-03-10T11:20:00.000-08:00

We survived it! Although we needed a cosmopolitan at the end of day to get through it. We attended one of the evening services and it was really cool when one of our ministers of hospitality friends asked the hubby and me to bring the bread and wine to the altar. It was very touching to be able to do that in front of that many people (around 600) and I'm very grateful for the blessing our favorite priest gave us as we handed him the gifts. God has a wonderful way of turning around a bad day!

For Lent, we've decided to give up going out to eat. If someone invites us, that's OK but we won't initiate it for ourselves. Since eating at restaurants is one of my favorite things, this will be appropriately challenging for me.

There won't be any conception attempt this month. My husband is under too much work pressure right now and even I can't/won't push him. I did tell him that I was very disappointed we couldn't try this cycle but I wasn't blaming him and I understand the things he's going through so it's all OK. He thanked me for being understanding. I'm sure glad I didn't push because his employees screwed up royally this morning after I got to work and I think allowing the hubby to go on his merry way this morning probably helped him, I hope.

So, I'm trying to take the long view and remind myself in my weak moments that it's all in God's time.

Satan?

2011-03-09T13:56:00.000-08:00

Lauren gave me a good excuse to write about something else that is on my mind today. Is it Satan or is it me? I most certainly believe that Satan exists and he's trying to wreak havoc across the world. The Scr.ewtape Lett.ers is one of my most favorite books. C. S. Lewis rocks to the core. However, my negative tendencies I can attribute only to myself since I can see I inherited many of these characteristics.

My bite is the same if not worse than my bark. No matter if I've just barked or just bit, I have a very strong flight response. I can barely sit still especially if I'm sitting for something that doesn't interest me at all or I'm sitting for someone else other than me. I am very selfish and have to make very conscious decisions to give and share. I am demanding. I'm writing as if this is kind of funny to me but it's really not and I'm sure I've hurt lots of people because of my behavior.

I tend to believe it's time and getting older that helps me control myself better. A couple of times I've tried to pray in the middle of a meltdown but that's a huge, major struggle and reason always loses. I think that's where Satan is stepping in, when I've decided to bite instead of trying to calm down. And I think it's me up until that point. I heard a sermon a few years back where the pastor said, "It doesn't matter if you were born with a sparkling, sweet personality or an angry one, being a Christian means you act as an example of Christ's love all the time. You don't pass just because you are naturally good, it has to be a conscious decision to manifest Christ." This might be hard for us that woke up on the wrong side of the bed, but it stand true all the same.

Why I Resent Infertility

2011-03-09T08:19:00.000-08:00

I think this is an oft not discussed topic for us infertility bloggers and definitely not on Ash Wednesday but here goes. My main reason for resenting my status as a subfertile is that it most certainly stresses our sexual relationship. Two people can't be on the same page all the time and things might come up like work stress or maybe he hurt my feelings or maybe I made him angry or he's not in the mood at fertile time (even though I might technically be not in the mood at fertile time, I force myself but he does not feel that compunction.)

The window of opportunity is dang short and we've only got at most twelve tries in a year that to let one month slip by is almost unthinkable. Sure, we skipped last month with the final Clomid dose disaster but that was more for purity of my soul. What makes me sad is that he sees BDing as work. He doesn't seem to get that I'm doing the very best I can to make those times great experiences where I hope he feels he got something out of it. Intellectually, it can't make sense that it's work (when did sex become unpleasurable?) so is he just trying to hurt my feelings by saying that it is? I mean how do you come back from that?

It's already a delicate situation with both of our work schedules crazy busy and seriously challenging. I guess I'm looking at Lent as more of a burden than a blessing. I just hope and perhaps you can pray that I'm able to weather this personal storm and come out of it with some amount of grace. Marriage can be very trying on the soul sometimes.

Reasonable Expectations

2011-03-06T08:54:00.000-08:00

At Mass this morning the priest announced a couple in the church was celebrating their first wedding anniversary. I know the husband professionally and the wife through a ministry at the parish. When I put in that intention last year for infertile couples, my husband and I went to the priest who would be presiding at the Mass to talk to him about why I put the intention in. The priest mentioned the aforementioned couple and talked about how the wife was very anxious too that she was not getting pregnant. She did get pregnant and she looks at if she's due any day now. So, if they got married in March 2010, it appears as if it took all of three months to get pregnant.

What bothers me is that she let her anxiety take her over to the point that she consults a priest after she couldn't get pregnant by the second try. I seriously didn't even think about consulting a priest on this infertility issue until I was about one year down that road. Of course, I'm judging her but I think people need to adopt reasonable expectations about getting pregnant. It doesn't benefit the community to think getting pregnant is easy and that it is controllable. I'm not sure if people look at me and assume that I'm too career focused and Catholics think we're using contraception and that wouldn't have crossed my mind until another blogger mentioned they assumed that about married couples in their church who don't have children.

What Christ preached against, judging others and feeling anxious seems to be rampant. Perhaps this is a good thing to look at we get into Lent, especially for me.

More info on gas prices

2011-03-05T14:04:00.000-08:00

Yes, it's CA's environmental standards that are making gas prices rise so high: a short, interesting article.

http://www.latimes.com/business/la-fi-gas-prices-20110305,0,2326955.story

Putt putt

2011-03-02T09:14:00.000-08:00

So, gas prices are going way up in California. I'm not sure if it's everywhere in California, perhaps you can share what's happening in your state/city? This is the second time since I've been married that prices have approached $4.00. My husband is very cost conscious which I used to see as wholly aggravating but now I tend to look at it in a more relaxed manner as his penchant for saving does create good things for us. However, the first time, he used a dictatorial tone when telling me I shouldn't go grocery shopping at my favorite specialty shop about 8 miles from our house because it would waste gas. He would insist on carpooling for mundane errands in town. I don't know what he did that ultimately made me feel like I was in prison with someone trying to control my every move, but I remember laying down the law telling him not to restrict my food buying activities, ever. ;)

I think I'll be able to handle the situation with a little more humor this time. And it also helps that I'm moving to a more stable attitude about things I want. I used to have no trouble driving miles out of my way to pick up a items I really want like a poor boy sandwich or a six-pack of Grol.sch. Four dollars-schmore dollars. But now I'm pretty much content with staying home and eating dried pasta if that's the only thing in the cupboard. Thank goodness I've got way more than that!!!

"Hmmmm"

2011-02-28T14:16:00.000-08:00

I just saw Dr. Douche. It was a follow-up to a prescription to treat a bladder infection I thought I had last week. The office prescribed it without a test even though I offered to take one, they said it wasn't necessary. But, strangely this was the first infection I'd ever had (and I've had dozens) that I wasn't sure it was a UTI. Faint pain, that was it. But, of course the antibiotic was appreciated and helpful.

Anyhoo, he didn't mention it at the sush.i place, but he asked if I am pregnant. I said no. He asked why not and he thought this "was a project." I told him about the laparoscopy in November and what she found and that I've taken Clomi.d and it's evil and now I'm leaving it up to God. He just looked at me askance and said, "Hmmmm." He then told me to get ready for Mardi Gras and Ash Wednesday starting tomorrow and I informed him that it's actually next week. I loved making him look uninformed!

Response to comments on my last post

2011-02-28T09:46:00.000-08:00

I very much appreciate the comments to yesterday's post. While I write primarily to share my personal feelings, I am thankful for the feedback. That said, I did not mean to hurt or misconstrue the sincere motives of those of you who work and volunteer in those kinds of services. I believe the work is valuable and applaud women of conviction acting on those convictions.

When I was taking speech courses in college, I did learn that you must speak the truth. Lying to people in order to manipulate your audience violates the code you have with them. I'm not saying I know the speaker in question lied to us, but my experience and gut tell me it's highly possible. And I stand by my belief she should have demonstrated compassion towards a woman in her midst who says she's been raped. Just as there are crisi.s pre.gnancy coun.seling cen.ters, there are services available to rape victims that deal with very serious issues. Rape is a crime in this country and I thank God we take it much more seriously here than most other countries. I think the speaker on Sunday should have paid it heed.

Naturally I'm in a position where my main readers are faithful to all Catholic Church teachings and when I challenge that or am sometimes critical, I understand I'll upset you. But, I will tell you the truth, I promise and obviously I speak from my convictions and experience. I do very much admire the work of those assisting others. I don't see myself coming completely in line with pro-life thinking. I just find my passions and convictions are better suited to other causes.

Assault?

2011-02-27T13:27:00.000-08:00

I attended a fundraiser yesterday with a very close friend for our local preg.nan.cy counsel.ing ce.nter. I had expected this to be a small gathering but it was very surprised to find out this event was attended by the who's who of Catholic women in our community. There was hardly a parking spot left in the lot. I agreed to attend after my friend invited me several weeks ago. I thought at most this would be an interesting situation where I could ask questions about what the center does. For many years, I've held opinions about centers like these where I perceive the staff have the singular focus of making sure an abortion doesn't happen and paying attention to little else.

At about the mid-point, a very nice looking lady got up to the lectern and delivered a speech. She told a story about one woman who came to their center. According to the lady speaking, this woman was a married mother of two who (and I don't remember where she said this happened) was "assaulted" and got pregnant as a result. The woman's husband was pressuring his wife to get an abortion (this caused a collective gasp in the audience) but after he saw the care and concern from the center's staff, he was so touched, he supported his wife in carrying "her" baby to term. Of course, the family needed supplies and baby c.lothes and the volunteers donated these items to them. And now, there's "a happy baby a part of a happy family" thanks to the support of people like us in the audience. I didn't clap at the conclusion of the speech.

Many things about this story disturbed me and left me believing much of the story is not true. Before the speech, I was talking to one of the lady's at my table and she had volunteered at the center and she talked a bit about her experience. She said there were so many different stories of teenagers, married women, married women having affairs.... So, when the story about the "assault" came along, the lack of words in the speech like "police," "conviction," "prison," and even the main word English speakers use, "rape," made me think that an affair might be the real cause of the pregnancy.

But even if the story were true in that regard, I'm deeply offended that the speaker chose a story of rape to illustrate just how easy it is to talk a woman out of abortion. In fact, the speaker never said the woman considered abortion, just that she came to the center to talk about her situation. Give me a break! Rape is a horrific crime that can cause untold psychological damage to the victim. And not a word in the speech demonstrating sympathy that the crime had occurred. It was just about saving the baby.

The story confirmed my long held fears about pro.-life activists, it's not about compassion for the suffering of women. It's not about looking honestly at the situations of a person's life that gets them to the point of calling or going to the center. It's just about making sure that baby is born. My fervent hope is that there would be even the slightest bit of depth to the work. Sure, prevent that abortion, but don't thrown the woman out with the proverbial bath water. Don't call what is rape, assault. Don't minimize violence against women. It happens every day all over our world. Pay respect and work for the common good and don't whitewash it.

Say Something

2011-02-25T12:10:00.000-08:00

That's the title of one of my favorite songs by James. And it seemed appropriate now. I do have a lot to say and I write a bunch of blog posts in my head, but I can't seem to write them out. I'm very busy at work. Now with my new duties in my new division I have things that have to get done every week. Some work is now procedural based and almost always before I did project based work that had deadlines long out into the future. Deadlines are now today or else. It's good, I'm happy being almost always on the edge of panic.

Now that I've sworn off further infertility treatments, I'm comfortable transitioning my blog to something other than "I'm bound and determined to do everything allowed by the Catholic Church to get pregnant." I do feel it's important to be the voice in this community that says "I've drawn the line." It's partly my personality, partly my faith, partly my own reasoning that says it's really up to God at this point. I'm comfortable with my relationship with the Lord (at least in that small part) and I think it's better I focus my faith externally for this season in my life.

So, I hope I have some more time in the coming days to reflect on some other things I find interesting (and hopefully you will, too).

The High Road is Hard to Find

2011-02-18T18:30:00.000-08:00

An update on the healing Mass: it was very special. I'd never been but had heard about the prayer group and the charismatic folks at our parish. The sermon was an amazing message with the priest having us repeat the prayer, "Lord, forgive my past, bless my present, and direct my future." He also talked about how for those of us who are suffering that there's a time when what the doctors can do, ends. And that's when Jesus comes in and does His Holy Work. I didn't stay for the anointing because it was getting late but did get the Eucharist. My faith is really renewed and I know that God is walking with me and blessings will happen in His time, not mine and not ours.

We spent the last couple days at Di.sney.land. Yesterday was filled with very rich, amazing food. I felt very guilty for indulging. We walked around and noticed lots of children. Walking amongst the very fertile as a subfertile is quite daunting but what was I supposed to expect given that Dis.ne.yland is for kids!

My tablet arrived yesterday and I'm giddy with excitement. It's so cool.

Healing Mass

2011-02-15T13:57:00.001-08:00

I'm planning on attending a healing Mass tonight. Has anyone else attended something like this? Any advice you can give me?

Report Details Sabotage of Birth Control

2011-02-14T21:27:00.000-08:00

Report Details Sabotage of Birth Control

By RONI CARYN RABIN

Published: February 15, 2011

Men who abuse women physically and emotionally may also sabotage their partners’ birth control, pressuring them to become pregnant against their will, new reports suggest.

Several small studies have described this kind of coercion among low-income teenagers and young adults with a history of violence by intimate partners. Now, a report being released Tuesday by the federally financed National Domestic Violence Hotline says 1 in 4 women who agreed to answer questions after calling the hot line said a partner had pressured them to become pregnant, told them not to use contraceptives, or forced them to have unprotected sex.

The report was based on answers from more than 3,000 women, but it was not a research study, those involved said.

“It was very eye-opening,” said Lisa James, director of health at the Family Violence Prevention Fund in San Francisco, which worked with the hot line on the report. “There were stories about men refusing to wear a condom, forcing sex without a condom, poking holes in condoms, flushing birth control pills down the toilet.

“There were lots of stories about hiding the birth control pills — that she kept ‘losing’ her birth control pills, until she realized that he was hiding them,” Ms. James added.

One respondent described having to hide in the bathroom to take her pill. Another said that when she got her period recently, her partner was “furious.”

The hot line’s report did not include a comparison group and did not gather information about the participants, who were questioned anonymously; nor was it published in a peer-reviewed journal. It was based on answers to four questions posed to 3,169 women around the country who contacted the domestic violence hot line between Aug. 16 and Sept. 26, 2010, who were not in immediate danger and who agreed to participate. About 6,800 callers refused to answer the questions.

Of those who did respond, about a quarter said yes to one or more of these three questions: “Has your partner or ex ever told you not to use any birth control?” “Has your partner or ex-partner ever tried to force or pressure you to become pregnant?” “Has your partner or ex ever made you have sex without a condom so that you would get pregnant?”

One in six answered yes to the question “Has your partner or ex-partner ever taken off the condom during sex so that you would get pregnant?”

The questions were devised by Dr. Elizabeth Miller, an assistant professor of pediatrics at the School of Medicine at the University of California, Davis, whose earlier papers on reproductive coercion prompted interest in the subject.

“It’s really important to recognize reproductive coercion as another mechanism for control in an unhealthy relationship,” Dr. Miller said. At the same time, she added, younger women and girls dating older men may be confused by the pressure to become pregnant.

“If you can put yourself in the shoes of a 15-year-old dating an 18- or 19-year-old man, which is not an unusual scenario, and he says to her, ‘We’re going to make beautiful babies together,’ that’s pretty seductive.”

But Dr. Miller said more research was needed to understand the men’s motivations.

“One of the things that comes up a lot is: What are the guys thinking?” she said, adding that her own research suggested some answers.

“Some have an intense desire for a nuclear family, and many who had experiences of a dysfunctional family home want something better,” she said. Some young men, she said, “want to leave a legacy, and say, ‘I’m not sure how long I’m going to be around.’ Gang-affiliated young men want the status that comes with having babies from multiple women.”

Dr. Miller’s paper, published last year in the journal Contraception, reported that at five family planning clinics in Northern California, one-third of 683 female patients whose partners were physically abusive said the men had also pressured them to become pregnant or had sabotaged their birth control. Of 191 women who reported birth control sabotage, 79 percent also reported physical abuse, the study found.

The associations help explain why young victims of violence by intimate partners are at an increased risk for unplanned pregnancies and for sexually transmitted diseases.

Ms. James, of the Family Violence Prevention Fund, said that despite the new attention to reproductive coercion, she doubted it was a new phenomenon.

“I just think not enough people have been asking the question,” she said.

A version of this article appeared in print on February 15, 2011, on page D6 of the New York edition.

Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T09:45:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day! The hubby and I decided to celebrate on Saturday given tonight might be too hectic to go out to dinner. We ended up at our favorite sushi place. Guess who was there.... If you guessed Dr. Douche, you'd be right. He was still wearing scrubs from doing whatever it is he does. God strike me dead if he ever delivered a child of mine. We were seated in the adjacent booth but that seemed to be OK, he just neglected to say goodbye when he and his female companion left. Other than that, it was a great date.

I'm getting better at embracing childlessness. I don't let the angst of disappointment and a desire for motherhood to do a job on my mood. We have a cross country ski trip scheduled for March and we're enjoying the freedom to do what we want. I'm already cooking some ideas about having a romantic weekend by the beach on Mother's Day.

All this positivity on my part is strange in that my husband is more sympathetic than ever to my infertility. In bed this weekend, he said he was sorry that I couldn't get pregnant. I told him I appreciated his sympathy but that I was doing OK. It's a good feeling to know you tried everything you could to solve a problem but some problems are unsolvable.

Going tech

2011-02-11T14:33:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about getting a new cell phone the last few months and was planning on buying a Dr.oid X, but I turned a corner after some research. My issue is that I love surfing the Web on my phone when I'm in boring situations. And, because of my line of work, boring situations abound pretty much weekly. So, I used my Blac.kberry to read lengthy news articles and browse when trying to find some random fact whilst on road trips. But, the screen is just too dang small and I got annoyed when having to scroll to read tiny text on sites not compatible with mobile devices.

A bunch of people have iP.ads and I gave up a long time ago trying to keep up with Appl.e's gimmicks. You know, buy the super cool thing now only to have a new version come out five months later. Instant lost investment. I still have my working iP.od from six years ago. I wanted a big screen that made reading comfortable but mini laptops seemed unnecessary and the iP.ad looked really bulky. The people I know carry it around it their leather flap case and dramatically scroll through who knows what on the massive screen. It also looked heavy and attracted too much attention. So, after using my handy online consu.mer repor.ts subscription, I found the Sam.sung Gal.axy Ta.b.

Sure, people knock the Tab as being too small with a seven inch screen, but small is good here. I can hold it in one hand and reading should be really convenient. I ordered it through Cos.tco so the price was $100 less than what Veri.zon is selling it for so I think it was a good deal. Now, I just have to downgrade my cell phone to something that's just a phone, no email, web, etc. since I'm getting that with the Tab.

So, I'm excited to get it delivered early next week.

Break on Wednesday

2011-02-10T10:09:00.000-08:00

It's so nice to take a random Wednesday off work. We left early yesterday to watch friends of ours compete in a motor race. And we got home by 1:30pm so instead of going back to work (well, I did reply to a few work related emails) I cleaned up around the house and baked cupcakes. I went for a cake mix this time as I was shaken by the poor taste of my last made-from-scratch chocolate cake. At least the frosting this time was from scratch.

A true test of priorities for sanity came yesterday. I have a lingering ye.ast in.fection (damn you, Biaxin) so even though I'm in the potential ovulation time zone (although five days of Clomid finally killed my CM even though I'm taking Ferti.le C.M) I decided to treat the infection rather than hold out hope for BDing. My husband made a funny joke about switching priorities in that department if you get my drift. It feels good to not try this month and I don't really feel bad about ditching any opportunities Clomid might have created.

Mincing words

2011-02-07T16:57:00.000-08:00

I do very much appreciate your compassion towards my experience with clomid this last go around. However, I shouldn't lead you to believe that I was having "just a bad reaction." It was as close to an experience with ps.ych.osis as I'd ever seen. And I can't have that in my life. And I'm not willing to trade my sanity for fertility because that's exactly what it is. I've often counselled my friends against getting psychia.tric drug.s from internists. Mood and hormone altering drugs can cause serious emotional side effects that I don't think general practitioners are equipped to address it. I believe people who needs those kinds of pharmaceuticals need doctors who know the drugs and are very familiar with drug combinations.

We all put some sort of limits on infertility testing and treatment. I'm one that will be pulling the plug much sooner than others. I did all I could do to find the cause, and I will not push my body to do things it doesn't want to do. This is not the story of my life; it's not a saga.

For the record

2011-02-04T12:06:00.000-08:00

I hate to disappoint but I'm writing this more out of a need to record to remember what my last cycle on Clomid felt like. For the first four days, I was elated. Truly happy and was jumping around and feeling super grateful. Perhaps that was a manic phase. Then on day five of the Clomid, something snapped. I went from happy and content to a very bad place in about two minutes. Too bad my husband was around to witness it. He kept telling me it was the drug that was making me act like that but I told him that was not true. I may have had some good reasons to be angry or hurt, but expressing it in the way I did was very bad.

I suppose I have no one to blame but myself (especially since I went to five days from three without consulting the doctor) but I feel resentful that I was prescribed a drug that I might not have needed. It was more for convenience, I believe. Mine or hers or both. So, I'm happy to be back to feeling normal but left with great remorse over what I did.

So, me and Clomid are over. Finito. My constitution and drugs are not a good match. I can't do it, fertility drugs are not for me. I guess that will save me money at the very least and at the most, help me to not be a friggin' jerk.